You get what you need

Subtle Sunny dropped her plate which shattered when she saw John and the girl.

“Oh, shit.” She said.

“Melanie, where’s your broom? I’ll clean it up.” My Mom said, taking over as she usually did.

“I’ll get it, it’s fine. You sit down. Everyone this is John, a friend of ours, and his…. girlfriend?” I asked. I knew she wasn’t his girlfriend, but I couldn’t help getting putting him on the spot as I had felt.

“No, this is a co-worker of mine. Rachel.” John said, shooting me a look.

“I hope it’s alright I came – John said the more the merrier, but I didn’t want to crash anything.” Rachel spoke, putting an arm on John’s.

“Oh no, it’s totally fine. Plenty of food and all. C’mon Lanie, let’s go get that broom before anyone gets cut. Noah, why don’t you introduce everyone.” Sunny said, pulling me into our office.

“Who IS she?” Sunny burst out as soon as the office door closed behind us.

I shrugged, going for the utility closet. “You heard him, she’s a co-worker.” I said, my words clipped to keep from exploding.

“I don’t touch my co-workers like that.” Sunny said, following me into the closet.

“Thanks Sun, because I hadn’t noticed or anything.”

“Oh man, Mel, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

“You know what? It’s fine. He and I… We aren’t, so I mean…” I trailed off, not being able to say what I felt.

“I hate to say it, but it’s time to cut this off Lanie, before you get hurt.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but realized I had nothing to say. Sunny had known me my whole life practically, and she wasn’t an idiot. She knew just as well as I did how jealous I was right now. I wanted to tell myself that even if John and I were official, there would still be other girls so I’d still have to deal with jealousy but I knew it wasn’t the same. He had no commitment to me now, he could do as he wished, and that’s what bothered me. I wasn’t OK with it and I couldn’t pretend like I was anymore.

I followed Sunny back out into the dining room and sat down next to Matt, watching Sunny clean up the broken plate so I didn’t have to look at John.

“You alright?” Matt asked quietly, so no one else could hear.

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I snapped. “Sorry. I’m just a little tired.”

Matt looked at me for a moment, and then nodded, saying nothing.

I tried to participate in the conversation – it’s been awhile since my family was in the same room together, but I just couldn’t focus. It seemed like any time I started too, I’d catch a glimpse of Rachel, who was either flirting with John or just a very touchy feely person – and either way I didn’t like it. Finally I stood.

“I’m sorry guys, I volunteered with Matt today really early and I’m just so tired, I think I’m going to bail.”

“I’ll go too, that way you can run me home.” Matt said, standing.

I gave hugs to my family, attempting to avoid John, but as I was turning to leave, he called my name. I sighed, and walked over to him.

“You sure you’re OK?” He asked, concern on his face.

My eyes slipped to Rachel and then back at him. “I’m fine, I’m just tired and I need to run Matt home.”

His eyes searched mine for a second, and I knew he was struggling with what to say. “Can I stop by later?” He sounded unsure – as if I’d say no.

It was the first time he’s ever really asked – every other time he’s just sort of told me when we’d have plans. Not in a demanding way, but not in a passive way either.

I shrugged. “You look pretty busy.” I said, resisting the urge to once again look over at Rachel, who I could feel watching us.

“Don’t be like that, she’s just a co-worker.”

“I’m not being like anything. You can text me, if I’m awake you can come over.”

“Fine.” He said, his jaw clenched in what I assume was anger or frustration.

I braced myself in the car, for either questions or a lecture from Matt, but he said nothing other than to give me directions to his apartment. I did see him open his mouth a few times, as if he wanted to say something, but each time he shook his head and closed it.

“Thanks.” He said, as I pulled up in front of his building. He started to get out, but then he turned. “And Melanie?”

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Good luck.” He said, and he shut the door before I could ask him for what.

I got home and I crawled into bed, feeling so miserable I wasn’t sure I could fall asleep, but I must have passed out because before I knew it, I was being shaken gently awake.

“Hey. You feel really warm.” John said, sinking down on the bed next to me. “I don’t feel so hot.” I said, starting to sit up and the feeling the room spin. I fell backwards, and then winced as my head started to pound.

He got up and left the room, coming back a few minutes later with a thermometer, a bottle of water, and some Tylenol. He took my temperature and then immediately handed me the water and the pills.

“Take these.” He said.

“What was it?” I asked, before popping the pills in to my mouth and taking a long sip of the cold water.

“103.3. Is this why you were so weird at dinner? You didn’t feel good?”

I swallowed, and closed my eyes, wondering how to answer that. I knew I needed to tell him, but I didn’t know if I was ready for the fight right now, feeling like I did.

“Mel?” He prompted, stretching out on the bed beside me.

“I can’t do this anymore John.”

“Do what?” He asked, propping his head up on his hand to look down on me.

“What we’re doing. I thought I was OK, but I’m not. Seeing you with Rachel….”

“She’s just a friend Melanie…” He interrupted.

“I know. But the fact is, if she wasn’t… It wouldn’t matter. I’d have no say in it, no reason to protest, I can’t tell you not too and I don’t want that. I want you John. Just you, that’s it, no one else. I told you when I’d had enough I would tell you, and I’ve had enough.”

He watched me for a moment, his eyes searching mine. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“What I want you to say is that you’ll be with me. That’s what I want – but because you want to be. Not because I threatened you, or because I issued an ultimatum. If you don’t want too, I’ll understand, but I need it to stop now before I get too bitter and angry.”

“You surprise me Melanie… As always…”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean it’s pretty gutsy to be honest like that. Most people aren’t. I’m not sure I can be…. I just. I don’t know if I’m ready or not.” He was toying with a piece of my hair as he said this, nervous, un sure. I took his hand and gently pushed it away.

“Then this is over. We can be friends, John, but that’s it.”

“Is this what you want?”

I shook my head. “I told you what I want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Anyway, you better go. Thanks for the Tylenol.” I said.

“Lanie…” John started.

“Goodnight John.” I said, rolling over.

I felt him rise from the bed, go to the door, and softly shut it. Once I was sure he was gone, I began to cry.