Excuse me while I word vomit

I'm sure most of you all know about Sandy Hook Elementary and what occurred there yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it - and therefore I've decided to come here, just to word vomit a little, because... I don't know, I'm hoping it might make me feel a little better.

Cayden started preschool this year, and it was hard to let him go. I know it's good for him, he's learning so very much, and he's having fun. I'm getting a little space, and that's good for me too, but I've been home with Cayden since the day he was born and the only people who have watched him have been close family - mainly my mother and my sister. I think I've left him once with a family friend. To walk in the morning of his first day and just leave him there with complete strangers was rough - I knew they had training, and I knew they were good at their job, but I am his mother, and nobody can take care of him like I can. I was worried about what would happen if he fell down and scraped his knee - I was not thinking about what would happen if someone went into his school and opened fire.

Yesterday when the details came out, I left home and went and got him. I wasn't worried about his safety - I just needed to see him, needed to hug and hold him. I couldn't stop thinking about those parents who dropped their kids off at school and would never pick them back up again. What were the last word they said to their child? Were they spoken in frustration and anger - perhaps they were running late and didn't have time for a goodbye kiss that morning? I think about all the times I'm short with my kids: Can I just go to the bathroom by myself for once?!? Can I just eat my dinner in peace?!? Can I just have five minutes to myself?!? Anyone who is a parent knows sometimes you just are frustrated and need space - and there's nothing wrong with that. But what happens when you ask for space and don't realize that something is about to happen to give you nothing but time away from your baby?

I don't want to be morbid and sad when everything is morbid and sad enough, but I just wanted to say that in that moment, I was so Goddamned grateful to have a child to argue with, a child who didn't listen to me, a child who is a shadow and follows me everywhere. For a messy house that never stays clean, for crumbs and spills, for sticky hands, for another late night followed by an early morning, for a voice that talks too much, too loud and asks way too many questions - for the tickles and the hugs and the kisses, for the cuddles, for the laughs and the smiles, the good and the bad, I was just so grateful for it all.

We didn't go home and watch the news. We went out to a park and I got on the ground and I played with my kids like I haven't played in awhile. I chased them and I kissed them, and I climbed with them and I swung them around. Then I got them ice cream and a movie and we went home again, not to watch the news, but to pile up on the sofa and be together.

I'm sorry this had to happen - and sorry doesn't really even begin to cover it, but I'm not sure what else to say except that I plan to suck up the only positive that I can out of this situation: My children are alive, and they are healthy, and I will kiss them over and over for all the parents who no longer can kiss their children. I will be more patient for them for the parents who no longer have a child to lose patience with. I will spend extra time with them, I will cuddle them longer, I will laugh with them more, I will listen to them more intently. I will remember not the gunman, but the teachers who did whatever they had to do in order to protect children that were not even "theirs". There was only one man doing evil, but so many others who stepped up and tried to stop him, protected those they could, some at the expense of their own lives and THAT should show us that while evil is in this world, the good still outweighs it. I will be kinder and more patient with people in general, because I don't know what they're going through right now, and their behavior towards me should not affect my behavior towards them. I will turn off the TV and spend more time with my kids instead, to try my damndest to raise children who will contribute to the good of this world.

I just had to word vomit a little. My heart breaks, over and over again, and I can't even imagine what it must feel like, but as selfish as it may sound, I'm so grateful that right now at least, I don't have too. I hope everyone out there is well, I hope your children and family are well.