Tis the season

I hope you all had a nice thanksgiving! Just a little heads up - there will be a post this week, it will not be on Monday. Cayden has an ear infection in both ears, Eli has it in one, and all three of us have this total ass kicking cold (complete with fevers and coughing so much that you throw up.)

I have my hands a little full AND it's Eli's birthday on Friday so I'm really trying to get us all better before his birthday.

Dark Windows

It was a week after the “incident” with John. The next day we both woke up and acted like nothing had happened, but honestly I had avoided being alone with him since. I had feigned a busy week at the business and he had let it slide, but I knew it wasn’t going to last much longer. Tonight I got a reprieve because I was teaching my first session with Matt’s kids and he had a party with some friends.

“First rule of starting any business: have a good product. Doesn’t matter what that product is, it has to be good.” I said, standing in front a group of kids I had just met. I was nervous as hell, and I looked back at Matt, who nodded encouragingly.

“But there are plenty of crappy products out there.” A girl chimed in. I think her name was Beth, but Matt had thrown their names at me so quickly that I didn’t catch them all. She was tall, skinny, with unruly red hair and pale skin.

“Bethani…” Matt warned from the back of the room. There were six kids total, four girls and two boys – and it was clear by their behavior that they had been warned by Matt to be polite. He was keeping them on a short leash.

“No – it’s fine.” I said to Matt, and then I turned to the girl. “You’re totally right. There are a lot of crappy products out there. But when it comes to small business, in order to survive you really need a good product, and you also need great customer service. Customer service is one thing that the big box stores don’t have. Sure, people may be nice, but I’ve been shopping at the same wal-mart my whole life, and nobody there knows me by name. It is nice to walk in to a place and have someone call you by your name, ask how your family is.” I caught Matt’s eye, who was smiling at me, and it threw me off my groove for a moment. Quickly I shook my head and clapped my hands together. “So. I’m going to show you guys how to make my good product.”

I lead the kids threw the steps for making pizza dough, and then we layered on their toppings. The time ended up passing so much more quickly than I had ever anticipated when I had agreed to this, and before I knew it, Matt was calling for the kids to clean up and get their coats on.

“Do you want to see where they’re from?” He asked, cocking his head towards the door. “I mean, I understand if you’re busy…”

I glanced at my watch and then around the shop. The kids did a good job of cleaning up their mess, and as an apology for missing this meeting, Sunny had done most of the cleaning before she left to meet Noah. All that was left were a few dishes in the sink and those could wait until tomorrow.

“Sure. I’d love too.” I said.

The music in the van was up so high and the kids sang along so loudly that conversation was impossible on the way back to the center. I settled in to the old van and watched out the window as my small town faded into city. The streets became dirtier, there were more broken windows, more empty houses, more people loitering out on the street in shabbier clothing. I watched as Matt dropped the kids off, house by house, most of them empty and dark – no one was waiting for them. I wondered if they had anyone to cook them dinner, anyone to check their homework, anyone to ask about their day, but knew by the way Matt waited to make sure they got inside that they did not. And my chest became so heavy – so sad. My Mom worked a lot, that was true, but she was always home at night, and if she wasn’t she arranged for a neighbor or family member to be there. These kids were so young, so small, and yet they were left to fend for themselves.

“You can see,” Matt said, as we dropped the last kid off. “That what you’re doing is a good thing. You’re giving them a place to go at night.”

“I don’t know if I could do what you do, all day every day. Don’t you get sick with worry?” I said, wondering how I was going to be able to let those kids go home every session when I knew they were going to empty houses.

“It’s hard sometimes. Bethani… I worry about her especially. She’s not from here. She just came in to the program and was used to a pretty cushy life. But, her Dad died and with the medical bills her Mom lost everything and now they’re here. But, I can either say it’s too hard for me and abandon them all together, or I can try to be there for them when I can.”

“Save the last dance.” I said. And then I felt stupid.

“What?” He asked, glancing over to me, the street lamps illuminating his face.

“Oh, it’s dumb. Bethani’s situation reminds me of save the last dance. I mean, it’s a movie, so of course it’s more flowery and probably ends better but…”

“I’ve never seen it.”

“It’s a teen movie. I loved it – of course I did, I was a teenaged girl when it came out. But, a ballet dancer lives in the burbs until her mother dies and then has to move in with her Dad in the hood.”

“It sounds… Interesting.” He said, unable to hide the smirk on his face.

“Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve seen it!”

“Is that an invitation?” He asked.

“An invitation for what?” I asked, confused.

“To watch it with you sometime?”

“Oh… Like a…” I trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. Was he asking me on a date? Was he thinking I was asking him on a date? With John could I even…

“No.” Matt said, firmly, interrupting my thoughts. “Not a date. I don’t date Lanie, and if we’re going to be friends – which I hope we are – you need to remember that. Besides, I thought you had your… Thing.”

“I do. I just didn’t want to send mixed messages or anything. Sure. We can watch it sometime.”

“Alright, well. You have my number, you let me know when.” Matt said, pulling in front of the pizza shop.

“Will do. Have a good night.” I said, hopping out.

"Hey Melanie?" He called.

"Hmm?" I asked, stopping and turning to look at him.

"You're helping a lot already, but if you feel like doing more... Thanksgiving is next week and we could always use more volunteers to help us serve dinner. It's not a date though." He said, laughing.

I laughed too. "Sure thing. Just email me with the details." And with that, I turned and headed for my car.

I expected Matt to drive off when I got out, but to my surprise he waited until I was safely in my car before he gave me a head nod and drove off. I was surprised to find myself smiling at the thought of Matt standing watch – protecting me against the non-existent evils of my small town, just as he watched out for the kids he worked with.

I drove home and was surprised to find Sunny sitting in our living room. She paused what she was watching on TV.

“You aren’t with Noah tonight?” I asked, dropping my coat on the bar stool and placing my keys on the hook by the door.

“No, he had a thing with some friends so I decided to stay here. This place won’t be mine for too much longer so I figured I should enjoy it while I have it.” She stretched. “No John?”

I shook my head. “He must be at that same thing.” I said, walking in to the kitchen and grabbing a water from the fridge.

She nodded. “Where have you been? That class didn’t just let out, did it?”

“No. I went with Matt to drop the kids back off.”

She laughed. “Oh Mel. You do like them damaged don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, walking back into the living room and sitting on the sofa. I tucked my legs up under me.

“You know Matt doesn’t date, right? And John isn’t dating…”

“Sunny! It’s not like that with Matt. He’s just a friend.”

“Women and men can’t just be friends.” Sunny said, reaching forward to get her wine glass from the coffee table.

“What have Noah and I been all these years then?” I asked, reaching for Sunny’s wineglass. I took a sip.

“That’s different. He had me and you and I were friends.” She said, stealing her wine glass back from me. “Really though Melanie, I am worried about you…”

“Not this song and dance again Sun.” I whined, only half joking. “I’m fine. I know Matt doesn’t date, and I’m fine with that. John DOES date, he’s just not sure of what he wants right now, and I’m fine with that. I told you when I become un-fine I will let everyone in the world know, but until then can you just back off?” I said, unable to keep the bite out of my voice.

“Geez, I’m sorry Mel. I’m just worried about you, calm down.” She said, looking hurt.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry I snapped. It’s just… Long day.” I said, forcing a smile.

I wasn’t sure why I was lying to Sunny. It hadn’t been a long day at all, it was just that I knew she was right. Not about Matt, and I did believe men and women could be friends, but… I had feelings for John. Strong feelings, and I was starting to realize that they were so strong that I was too afraid to lay it on the line and issue an ultimatum. Being with John this way was far better with not being with John at all, and I knew that with time, he’d come around. I mean didn’t we have fun together? Didn’t we click? I settled back on to the couch to watch the show that Sunny had now un-paused. That was it. I just needed to give this some more time.

Once again, I'm sorry I'm late. I had planned on being a day late, but then our internet was out all day yesterday (we switched providers, and we're STILL having issues. I guess they switched billing programs and it messed up things, but at the same time our box thingy crashed and yada yadaa yada.) I planned to post first thing this morning, and then I woke up sick and basically went right back to sleep and slept the day away. I'm really trying to post regularly.

No?

I kept trying to shoot Sunny looks, to let her know that this conversation was not over, but she got in the car and leaned her head against Noah’s arm, refusing to look back at me.
“You girls have a good time?” Noah chuckled, kissing the top of Sunny’s head.
“Uh huh. Lots of pretty boys buying us lots of pretty drinks.” She said, her words slightly slurred.
“Well it’s a good thing I put a ring on it then, huh?” Noah said, laughing and pulling away from the curb.
“I didn’t know I’d see you tonight.” I said, deciding to set my focus on John instead.
“I didn’t want to interrupt girl time, but I was with Noah when we got the call.”
“Are you coming back to my place?” I asked, placing my hand on his knee.
“I planned on it. I mean if you wanted me too.” He said, placing his hand on top of mine.

I nodded, and suddenly I knew – tonight was the night. I had been afraid to have sex with John. I wasn’t a prude, and I didn’t have a problem giving it up, but I also didn’t have much experience – I was more afraid of letting him down and embarrassing myself than anything else. But, here I was, drunk, and liquid courage was what I needed to get what I wanted.

Noah dropped us off while Sunny pretended to have fallen asleep on his arm. I rolled my eyes, but in the dark parking lot, nobody could see. It was just like her to drop a bomb and then run away. No use dwelling over it – I’d make sure I got my answers tomorrow.

“Are you OK to walk?” John asked as I stumbled up the curb.
I laughed at this. “What are you going to do if I’m not? Carry me?” I asked.
“You don’t think I can?” He asked, and even without seeing his face, I knew he had one eyebrow arched and that he was smiling that half smile that gave him only one dimple.
“No. I don’t think you can. Not up a flight of stairs and I’m not sure I want you to…” Before I could finish my sentence, he had wrapped his arms around me, hoisting me up, almost carrying me on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes but I wasn’t leaning far enough over for it to be considered that kind of carry.
“John!” I squealed, forgetting to keep my voice down. “Put me down!” I laughed. “Uh uh.” He said, already slightly out of breath, “you don’t think I can, so now I have to prove it to you.”

Up the stairs he went – and I was certain he was going to drop me or fall, but I still couldn’t stop laughing. He wouldn’t even set me down so I could unlock the door, he made me fish the keys out of my bag and hand them to him. He didn’t set me down until he tossed me on my bed – throwing himself beside me. We were both out of breath, me from laughing and him from the exertion of carrying my tubby butt up a flight of stairs.

I was going to say something, make a stupid joke, but the look in his eyes caught me off guard, and I had to lean over and kiss him. It was soft at first – tentative – but slowly deepened, and when we finally broke apart I moved to straddle him.

He ran his hands up the outsides of my thighs, pushing up my dress, as I slowly almost unconsciously started to grind my hips against his. He groaned. And then to my shock, he gently pushed me off of him.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused. Every time before this, I had stopped John, and while he had been understanding it had been clear that if I hadn’t of stopped him, he wouldn’t have. So why now?
“I can’t do this while you’re drunk.” He said, eyes closed, running a hand through his hair, causing it to muss in the front.
I sat up. “Are you serious right now John?”
“Yes.” He said, opening his eyes to look at me.
“Why not? We’ve gotten to this point a hundred times before – why stop now?” I said, my voice rising. I pushed myself off the bed and went to the closet to find clothes to change into.
“Don’t be mad at me, I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”
“Right thing HOW?” I said. Suddenly I felt very stupid – I put the moves on a guy and he turned me down.
“You’re drunk, Lanie. You also haven’t had a lot of experience, I just don’t want you to wake up in the morning and regret this.”
“I won’t regret it John. I like you. I like you a lot, and I want to do this with you.” I said, unable to keep the emotion out of my voice. I rolled my eyes up, hoping that would keep the tears in.
“Lanie…” He said, sighing and sitting up himself. “I was afraid it would come to this. I just… You know I’m not sure what I want and I don’t want anyone getting hurt… Maybe I should just go.”
I nodded. “Maybe you should. I know what you said in the beginning, but… I like you. A lot. And I feel a connection with you – and I feel like you feel it too. Perhaps I’m way off base here, but if you don’t know by now if you want to be with me, then either you just don’t want to be with me, or you’re an idiot who is going to miss out on a damn good thing because he’s scared. Either way, I deserve more than this.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“You’re blaming me for being up front and honest with you, and also for trying to protect you?” John said. His voice was still steady and calm, but I knew he was irritated.
“No!” I shouted. “How are you trying to protect me at all? You can’t even give me a firm decision on what you want!”
“Don’t yell Lanie, there’s no reason for it. I’m not yelling at you. And I am trying to protect you. If all I cared about were my needs, I wouldn’t be pushing you away right now. Don’t you think I want to have sex with you? I just don’t want our first time to be some drunken night you don’t remember. I tried to break it off with you the first time, I told you I wasn’t ready and YOU suggested this arrangement. If you’re not OK with it anymore, that’s fine – but be a grown up and tell me. Don’t pick a fight and accuse me.”

I sat there, studying him for a moment, not really sure what to say or do. I did suggest this arrangement. And I should appreciate the fact that he wanted our first time to be special but… What did that mean? If this was just a fuck buddy situation, why would he care? And since he does care, what does it mean?
“I’m just… Confused. I don’t know where I stand with you. What we are. People ask and I just don’t know.”
“Why does it matter what other people think we are? If you’re happy with this situation, that’s all that matters. If you’re not, well then we can talk about it. But other people shouldn’t factor in to something that is between you and I.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m just… I’m drunk. I’m sorry.” I said, moving over to hug him.
“Lanie if you’re not OK with this…. You need to tell me. I don’t want to ruin a friendship or hurt you.”
“Are we ever going to be together?” I asked, looking up at him.
“We’re together right now.”
“You know what I mean.” I said, rolling my eyes and pulling back from him a little. “You know. Facebook official or whatever.”
He laughed. “I don’t even have a facebook, so no. We’ll never be facebook official. But, if you mean like in a relationship… I can’t answer that. I like you, a lot. Right now I can see it going somewhere, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. We’ll just have to see. Can you handle that?”
I nodded. “Will you let me know when you’re ready?”
“Yeah. I can do that.” He said, kissing the top of my head.

We then got undressed and climbed in to bed together. There was no fooling around. John rolled over and fell right to sleep, and I should have too, but I didn’t. The room was spinning and my thoughts were swirling around with it. I felt unsettled, uneasy. But I just wasn’t sure why.

Saying yes to the dress

“I miss you.” Sunny said, sitting down at her desk.
“How can you miss me, I’m right here?” I said, looking up from the paperwork I had been working on. We had made some new hires, but now came the paperwork of getting them on our insurance and all that jazz.
“I know, but it’s like, the only time I see you anymore is here, at work. You’re either at John’s house, or he’s over, or I’m with Noah…”
“Jealous?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No. I’m happy for you – John makes you laugh in a way that I haven’t seen you laugh in a while. I just mean… I mean is this it for us? I get married, you get a boyfriend, and we cease to see each other outside of work?”
I laughed. “Sun, I think you’re being a tad dramatic – first, John isn’t my boyfriend. Secondly, it’s been like, two weeks.”
“Yeah, right, because seeing someone every night isn’t very boyfriendly.”
“I used to see Noah every night, does that make him my boyfriend?”
“If you were doing the things that you’re doing with John, then…” She said, wiggling her eyebrows.
I blushed.
“I knew it!” Sunny said, pointing at me and then clapping her hands. She then started to do the cabbage patch. “Lanie is getting some!” She sang.
“No, Lanie is not.” I said, blushing still.

It was true, John and I hadn’t had sex yet, but we had come pretty close. My mind flash back to the night before, John in my bed, my skin sliding against his, his hands on my waist, his breath in my ear… I shivered.

“Well if you haven’t, by the look on your face I can tell you’re pretty close.” Sunny said, smirking. Then she bit her lip, and I knew what she was going to say next. “Have you… I mean. Are you still OK with how things are?”
“I’m still good with how things are.” And that was true, for the most part. I never knew quite how to introduce John to people – did I just call him my friend? But he was spending all of his free time with me. Did I really need the girlfriend label slapped on it?
“OK, well…” She trailed off. I knew she wanted to say more, but I also knew she wouldn’t. “So. Anyway. Back to us – I know it’s only been a week, but it’s probably the longest we’ve been apart. And I don’t want to make this a habit, so how are we going to fix this?”
“I don’t know. Girls night out?”
“How about girls day out? My Mom wants to go look at wedding dresses. I have an appointment for Saturday. I thought we could make a whole day out of it, shopping, dinner, maybe go grab drinks? And before you say no, I already talked to the Mo’s, and we have hired some new help so…”
I sighed. “I’ve never left the shop for the whole weekend before. If we go out drinking the chances of me dropping in here on Sunday are slim. I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
“But that’s what we hired help for, Mel. So that you and I could have a life.” “I know, but they haven’t been here that long and…”
“And you have no idea how to let go. The Mo’s will be here. They’ve got more experience with this place than you and I combined. I know you’re nervous, but it’s sink or swim for them and for you. You’ve got to let go.” She looked at me sternly, and then pouted her lip. “Please Lanie? For old times sake?”
I sighed. “Fine. But not because of that pouty lipped bullshit you’ve got going on there. That does nothing for me.”
“Sure it doesn’t.” She said, leaning back and winking.

Saturday morning I kissed John goodbye and left from his place to go meet Sunny and her Mom at the boutique she had chosen. The place was filled from top to bottom with gorgeous white dresses in every style imaginable. Sunny wasted no time diving in to the dresses – instructing her Mother and I that she had no problems trying on anything and to get started picking. Sunny and her Mom seemed to have no issues finding dresses to try on, but I on the other hand just couldn’t come up with one. They were beautiful, but they weren’t Sunny.
Sunny saw the look on my face and laughed. “Go over there and look at bridesmaids dresses Mel. I’ll call you when I’m ready to try this stuff on.”
“Any particular style you’re looking for?” The assistant asked her, while leading me across the small store to a smaller selection of colored gowns.
Sunny shrugged. “Nope. She’s my maid of honor. She gets whatever she wants.”

I wasn’t much better at finding a dress for me. Everything looked either too slutty for a wedding, or too matronly. I was starting to get frustrated and was about to give up when I saw it. The color is what caught my eye first – a dusky midnight blue. Sunny had planned a short engagement, their wedding was set for the end of February (I know – crazy right? She and her Mother had dived head first into planning) Her wedding theme was basically winter – and silver and midnight blue were her colors. I pulled it off the rack and was disappointed to see that it wasn’t what I had pictured in my head. It was shorter than I had planned (knee length) and the bottom was jagged, the skirt looked like it had been made of several ripped and ruffled pieces of fabric. It was also sleeveless – it wouldn’t work for a winter wedding.

“Hey Lanie, I’m ready!” Sunny called from across the floor, and absent-mindedly I carried the dress over to the dressing rooms.
“What did you find?” Susan, Sunny’s Mom asked.
“Oh, nothing I just…” I held it up. “It’s not really my style but I thought the color would match.”
“You have to try it on. That’s the rule – even if you don’t think it’s your thing, you have to try.” Sunny said, pushing me into what was supposed to be her dressing room.
“Alright.” I said, realizing there was no use arguing with her. “But it’s going to look dumb on me.”

As soon as I slipped the dress over my head, I knew it was the dress for me. The top hugged my chest, giving me the appearance of pretty sexy (but not slutty) cleavage. The skirt danced every time I moved – it was going to look awesome on the dance floor. I stepped out and Sunny nodded.

“Now let’s see if I can find my dress just as easily.”

It wasn’t easy. There were plenty of pretty dresses, but as I had noticed earlier, none of them were Sunny enough. We were getting to the bottom of her pile, the ones we had saved for last because they were more to try on for fun rather than dresses we thought were serious contenders. Sunny was trying to keep a brave face on – cracking jokes about each dress she walked out in – but I could tell she was getting disappointed.

“It’s not a big deal if you don’t find the dress today Sun. I mean there are other stores…” I said, helping her in to a dress that was way too princess-y to be Sunny. She pulled it up, and I held the back together and zipped it for her. I glanced up over her shoulder to look at her reflection in the mirror and let out an involuntary gasp.

The dress was strapless like mine. The top was pretty plain – it had a few crystals on it, but not many. However, the skirt poufed out in to what I imagine a princesses dress would look like. It had a layer of tulle that was covered in crystals, and it gave the appearance that her dress was covered in snowflakes that were glinting in the sun.

Sunny looked amazing. Everyone agreed – but just to be sure, she tried on the other dresses in her pile. In the end, she ended up back in this princess dress.

“We can get you a tiara.” Her Mom said. “You should wear your hair down. Maybe they can put some crystals in it too.” She was standing behind Sunny, her eyes already welling with tears. “I’m so happy for you.” She said, squeezing Sunny from behind.

“Me too, Momma. Me too.”

Sunny’s Mom bought her dress, and much to my surprise, bought mine as well. Then she bid us goodbye, telling us we deserved girl time and to have fun. Sunny and I spent the rest of the day shopping, stopping only for dinner. After dinner we went home to change quickly and then headed out to our favorite bar – live music and plenty of guys. Just because Sunny was off the market didn’t mean guys stopped wanting to buy her drinks, and we both took advantage of that. Pretty soon we were hitting the dance floor and really having a good time (and also making pretty good fools of ourselves.) Around two in the morning when they called for last call, we decided we had enough (and couldn’t get more if we wanted) and called Noah to come get us.
We sat on the curb, waiting, huddled together for warmth against th
e cold autumn air when Sunny turned to me.
“Why haven’t you slept with John yet?” She asked, her bloodshot eyes on me. She had stolen some guys sunglasses and they were perched on her head, holding her hair back.
“I don’t know.” I said.
“Are you scared?” She asked.
“A little bit.” I answered honestly.
She nodded. “I’m scared to marry Noah, a little bit. I mean, I love him. I know I do. I know he’s it for me. But I also fear that in five years from now he’ll wonder if there’s something better out there. Leave me behind.”
“You know Noah would never do that.” I said.
She nodded. “I know. But sometimes it scares me.” Then she paused, peering down the street. “Can I tell you a secret?”
I nodded. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”
“I found my brother. I want to invite him to my wedding.” My mouth dropped open – and of course, that’s when Noah pulled up. John was in the passenger seat, and he slid out to let Sunny in – but not before she shot me a look that said “keep your mouth shut.” I was guessing Noah didn’t know about this.

New post tonight or tomorrow

I have a new post alllllmost done (it actually is done but I decided I don't like the end of it, so I'm going to tweak that a little. Shouldn't take me long at all.) I was going to put it up last night but I got wrapped up in election stuff and just didn't get around to it. I'm shooting for tonight but my in laws are heading over so we shall see how that goes, ha ha.

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5806973741094582668#editor/target=post;postID=3656679643044392275

That's the link to the last entry, if you need a refresher, the new entry is below this one. You'll have to copy and paste - it seems every time I try to directly link it messed it all up.

October is over, so I'm hoping stuff stops sucking, lol. My brother had his arraignment and while it's not over, they did let him go home (I was worried about them wanting to keep him until trial.) Hopefully, everything remains OK. But his trial is supposed to start in 6-8 weeks they said, so. If anything, expect another melt down then.

My Mother in law and I got into it, which actually needed to happen, because it's been brewing for five years now. Basically, she was "sick" for Cayden's last birthday party and hasn't seen the boys in 2-3 months. They live 10-15 minutes away - there's really no excuse for going that long between seeing them, especially when they pretty much have nothing to do. I was already irritated by this (I'm assuming you're all readers from the last blog and now that this is a habit. She missed Eli's first birthday party and hasn't been to one of Cayden's since he was 2.) It was made worse by the fact that she called him and went on and on about how Nana misses him, and how she was sick, and how "maybe I just need to see you to feel better." And then the next day went to the casino.

Yeah. I hate her. Anyway, trying to make a long story at least a little shorter - I told Jeremy he needed to say something to her. Either she puts in an effort to be in their lives, or she takes herself out of their lives, because Cayden is getting to an age where he's noticing she's not there and he asks why and gets sad. And I'm the one who has to explain, and has to make excuses for her (when I really don't want too, but I'm trying to protect his feelings.) Anyway, she finally calls and asks if we can get together this week. Jeremy tells her yes, but it has to be Tuesday. Monday Jer has class, Wednesday we were trick or treating with our friends who were moving, and Thurday and Friday Jeremy works evenings at his other job. She says OK. Jer lets her know that we will be there by four, the kids go to bed around 8, and since they'd be staying up late for trick or treat, we didn't want to keep them up late that night. She says she'll run it by George (who fell asleep at 6PM) and call us back.

We called at 10. Both phones were off, meaning they were both asleep. Jeremy called four times the following morning, and we were actually worried something happened. One o'clock rolls around, and guess who calls? Where were they? In bed. They had fallen asleep the night before at like, 6 and 8 PM, and didn't get out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. Which would have been fine - except she said that before she could meet us they had to get a haircut and get dinner. Which, for anyone normal, 3 hours might be enough time to do this. For my in laws? 3 hours isn't long enough to eat dinner.

So Jeremy tells them to forget about it. And he's trying to talk to her about everything going on, and all she keeps focusing on is this particular incident, and when Jeremy keeps trying to bring up the past incidents (missing birthday parties, cancelling plans last minute, showing up late, not showing up at all, ect.) She tries to give him to his Dad, even though he said the problem was with her, and not his father.

Well. I can't keep my mouth shut. So I'm saying things in the background - nothing mean, just bringing up points. And she goes "Tell that bitch to shut up."

Uh. Excuse me? The mature thing would have been to ignore it. I did not respond to it very maturely (I believe my response was, I'd rather be a bitch than a psychotic self centered cunt. Am I proud of what I said? No. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel a little good.) Then I said I had been putting up with her stuff for five years and I was done - to which she responded "I've been putting up with HER for five years. And don't even get me started on her family."

Now. My family and I fight. We aren't perfect. I don't always like them, and they know how to work my very last nerve. But every single time that Jeremy or I needed something, my family has been there. Whether they were angry with me, whether we were fighting - it didn't matter. So when she said this - I saw red. Especially considering that my Mother has helped Jeremy out more than his own parents. When we lost our townhouse and had no place to go? My Mom told us to move in with her (Jeremy's parents never once offered.) When I was super pregnant with Cayden and Jeremy had his knee surgery, it was my Mom who came over daily to check on us and bring food so I wouldn't have to cook. My Mom put Jeremy's car in her name after only knowing him a few months (because his parents refused for no reason.) Jeremy's parents kicked us off their family cell phone plan (again, for no reason. We had never been late and actually covered their side of the bill a couple of times) my Mom allowed us to join hers. My Mom, as much as she works, makes time to see the kids every weekend usually, has been to all of their birthday parties. I mean I could go on and on. And I know she said this because she's jealous of my Mom and how close she is with the boys, but my Mom is that close not because I offer preferential treatment, but because she makes time to be there. I have NEVER cancelled plans with Jeremy's parents in order to see my family, but I HAVE cancelled plans with my family because the in laws decided they wanted to see the boys and it had been so long since their last visit. The only thing I don't do for them is to call them - but I used too. And after getting ignored so many times, I stopped.

Sorry, this was supposed to be a short story and I went off on a tangent. But basically, when she said that, I went off. I said some things I didn't mean just because I was angry, but I also said some things I did mean. This has been a long time coming, and I really am done with her stuff - she can blame me if she wants too (she tried. I tried to mention how many events she's missed, and I started with our wedding, since that's where it started and she was all "so this is what this is about, you're mad I missed your wedding." Uh, no. Stop deflecting and focus on the point at hand.) I want them in my kids lives - I don't like her, but my kids do, and when they are around they don't treat them horribly, but this in and out and making everything about her has got to stop, or else they can just be out. She tried to make me feel guilty since George is sick, but really he's been sick for awhile and hasn't done anything to improve his health or his relationship with the boys. If he's not going to do it, then I can't make him. And I am honestly trying to fix this so that everyone can see each other. I just can't continue to have this relationship with them.

Funniest part of the convo though: Jeremy mentioned how she missed Cayden's birthday party, and how George came. She said "George didn't even want to go!" ...First, way to throw your husband under the bus, secondly NOBODY wants to go to a kids birthday party except for other kids. The fact is, he didn't want to go and he showed up anyway. That's what you do when you love someone.

Anyway. My friend moved and that was sad - I'm still waiting for it to hit Cayden. I don't think it will until he wants to play with Tyler and I have to remind him that we can't. We probably won't see them until Eli's birthday party, and I really think a month will be the longest we've gone without seeing each other. It makes me so sad, especially since people always say they'll keep in touch, and rarely ever do. I'm hoping we can be the exception though.

Alright. I've written a book and stayed up later than I meant too, and this weekend is going to be crazy busy (Cayden has school tomorrow and I'm expecting another freak out since I let him stay home today, and his teachers are coming for a home visit on Monday which means I need to clean my whole house and that's not going to be an easy feat, and Jeremy works both jobs tomorrow so he's going to be gone all day. Look for a post next week - I'm not sure it'll be Monday, but I'll try.

Thanks so much for hanging in there with me guys <3

Bitter things

I tapped my foot, glancing at my watch. I was annoyed. Tonight was the night we were supposed to meet Matt. Sunny had left to run some errands and had been gone the whole afternoon. She had been floating in the clouds ever since we left the park after her proposal, which was understandable, but now it was starting to affect work and we couldn’t afford to do that. Still, I wasn’t quite sure how to say “stop being so damn happy and come back down to earth please.”

I heard a tap on the door and looked up to see a very tall blonde man standing outside – we had been closed for about a half hour now, so the door was locked.
“Matt?” I asked, through the glass, noticing shockingly blue eyes. I had never met Matt before – he was Noah’s friend from school, and our paths just had never crossed. He nodded, and I unlocked the door and let him in. “Sorry, I’m not sure where Sunny is, but come on in. It’s nice to meet you.” I shook his hand and then reached for my phone to send Sunny a text that said ‘Matt is here, where r u???’

“Hi, Lanie, right?” He said. I never thought I had small hands before, but his dwarfed mine.
“Lanie, Mel, Melanie. I go by many different names. Are you hungry? I have some leftover pizza or I could make a salad really quick. There’s also drinks in the cooler, feel free to help yourself.”
“Pizza sounds great, thanks. I rushed over here from work and I’m starved. Noah says your pizza is the best.”
I laughed as I walked back to the kitchen, motioning for him to follow me. I noticed he had to duck to fit through the kitchen door. “Noah has to say that. He’s marrying a part owner. And it was nice of you to be on time, even though Sunny’s not.”
“It’s no big deal.” He said, leaning against a stool set by the counter.
“So.” I said, turning to plate his pizza. “Sunny hasn’t told me much about this. Has she discussed anything with you?”
“Well. Let me do my little spiel for you.” He said, smiling a half smile. “I work with inner city kids. Right now I’m working with our teen group, and one of our goals is to expose them to new things and skills. We sometimes ask businesses to sponsor things, like trips, but we also need people to volunteer their time to teach their kids their skill.”
“I don’t think I have a skill. I just make pizza.” I said, setting the plate down in front of him.
“You’re young and you own the place. You run your own business. That’s a skill.”
“Kind of. But it’s not like I built it from scratch. I kind of got it by default.”
He nodded. “Sunny told me the back story, and while I’m sorry for your loss, I still think you’ve managed to accomplish quite a bit here. Just letting the kids come and see the place would show them that being a business owner isn’t out of their reach.”
“Here’s the thing. I want to help. My uncle used to do all kinds of things for the community and I feel like a way to honor him would be to start that tradition back up. The reason we haven’t is because frankly we haven’t had the money. My time is also scarce, but I would be willing to give up some of my nights to do this – but if you want them to cook… I’m just not sure how much money I can put into that.”
“I understand completely. The economy sucks.” He said, shrugging a little sadly.
“I’m not saying no.” I correctly myself quickly. “I’m just saying it would be a trial basis, if that’s OK? One day a week for a month, and then we can re-evaluate and see where we’re at.”
He nodded. “That also gives me time to look into grants.”
“What day works best for you?” I said, reaching over to pull out my planner. “I’m not sure. I’d need to go back and talk to the agency to see when we could get the van. I also need to talk to my kids, some of them have practice and such.”
I handed him a card. “Email might be the easiest way to reach me. I tend to avoid the phone.”
He laughed. “Me too. My friends are always getting on me for just texting, but…”
“Well, apparently my friends can’t even text me back.” I said. “Sunny’s been on cloud nine since the proposal. I bet she forgot you were coming tonight.” Even though I had reminded her, twice.
“Love makes people stupid. Not a big deal.”
“So. I don't know much about you, personally.” I said, tapping my nails on the counter. “Girlfriend?”
He snorted. “No.” He said very definitely.
“Boyfriend?” I ventured – his reaction to the girlfriend question had been so strong I worried I had offended him.
This time he laughed a real laugh. “No. I’m straight. I just… Am bitter I guess.”
“Well. That’s no good.” I said, not quite sure how to respond.
He chewed his pizza for a moment. “What about you? Boyfriend? Girlfriend?”
“I have a…” I trailed off. I don’t know what to categorize John as. I was meeting him after this meeting for Matt – he wanted to cook me dinner. That wasn’t just a friendly thing, was it? “A thing.”
“Ohhh. One of those.” Matt said. “My one of those made me bitter.”
“It’s not…” I trailed off. Again, I was left stumped with how to respond.
“Oh. I see. I’m sorry, I just assumed… I’m sure it’s not…” He got awkward then. “How’d you meet him?” He asked, clearly at a loss.
“He’s one of Noah’s friends. Actually he went to school with Noah too. John?”
“Yeah. I know John. I just didn’t realize he had a girlfriend.”
“He doesn’t, we’re just…”
“A thing.” He completed for me with a nod. “John’s a good guy.”
“I’m seeing him tonight. I’ll tell him.”
“Am I keeping you?” He asked, starting to stand.
“No. Not at all.” I was lying. I was dying to head over to John’s house, but I didn’t want to seem like I was kicking him out yet. I had planned on Sunny being her and ditching him with her to work out the details.
“Well. It is getting late.” He said, glancing at his watch. “I was trying to wait for Sunny to show up, but I don’t think she’s coming any time soon. You tell John I said hi, and…” He reached into his pocket. “Here’s my card, just in case you have any questions before I contact you to hammer out the schedule. Thank you for your time, Lanie. I appreciate it.” He said, holding out the card.
I took it and examined it. “No problem.” I said, suddenly feeling very awkward.
“Thanks for the pizza.” He said, throwing a wave over his shoulder.
“No problem.” I echoed again, only this time, he was out the door.

I walked over and turned the lock, listening to this silence of the store. I felt uneasiness settle in the pit of my stomach, and couldn’t place it. Matt had left me unsettled, and I couldn’t figure out why. His thing had left him bitter? What did that mean? And was it just me, or did he hesitate when he said John was a good guy? I had been OK with the choice to not label it was I was doing with John. We were getting to know each other, relationships take time, right? But with Matt’s reaction and Sunny’s warning a few days prior ringing in my ears, I suddenly wasn’t so sure.

I felt my cell phone buzz and was jolted back to reality. Sunny, finally.
But no.

John: Dinners ready and I miss you. Come soon?

And suddenly I didn’t care what the rest of them thought. I was happy for now, and that’s what mattered, right?