And my whole world, it begins and ends with you

"So when you drive As the years go flying by I hope you smile If I ever cross your mind It was the pleasure of my life And I cherished every time And my whole world Begins and ends with you." This weeks post isn't done. I would apologize, but to be honest, I'm not really sorry. I don't say that to be offensive, because I've really started to enjoy writing again, but I did spend the week doing far more important things, and I think you all would agree. My baby boy turned four on Friday. Here it comes, the cliche, where did the time go? I don't know. No one ever knows. I feel like I spent my whole life waiting to grow up, and then I did and now someone hit the fast forward button and I'm scrambling to find a way to make it stop. I had a really hard time with this birthday. Don't get me wrong - I always get weepy on his birthday, but this year it was much much worse. I don't know why - maybe because my mind always jumps to the next year and next year he's going to be five, and that just seems like such a BIG DEAL, doesn't it? Five is just the start to so many big things - like all day school and just. Man. Five. Four years ago today, I was in a hospital room. Scared, in pain, but also in love, cuddling a new baby and taking an obscene amount of photos. Four years isn't that long of a time, really, until you're talking about YOUR baby. But then you also think... He's only been here for four years?? What was my life like before him? I can't remember. Maybe it's because I don't want too. Oh, I don't want to be one of those mom's who claims everything is perfect. My son hits and gets frustrated far too easy. He writes on the wall. He doesn't listen. He's still not a great sleeper, even four years later. But, he's my heart and soul and you don't ever want to imagine what it's like living without that. He has the ability to make me laugh even when I'm incredibly angry. He and his brother are the only two I willingly wake in the mornings for, even if I've only fallen asleep a few hours before. And, as frustrating as he can be, he loves me. I know he loves me. He can kick me, yell at me, give me attitude, and tell me he doesn't love me - but who's the first person he calls when he's scared? When he's hurt? When he needs someone, he calls on me, because he knows I'll be there, and he knows he can trust me to keep him safe and make him feel better. I know some people don't like it when people go on and on about their kids, but I don't care. They're my life, they're my world, they're my passion, they're my reason. Some people might find that boring or pathetic, and that's OK. We can like different things. But I do think I'm incredibly lucky to have been blessed with two such amazing little boys. I love them both more than anything.

Forever

“That’s like, the stuff fairy tales are made out of.” Sunny said, sighing dramatically and flinging herself back onto my bed.
“Right, because it’s every girls dream to hear ‘I just don’t know if the timing is right.’” I said, glancing back at her through my mirror where I sat, putting on my makeup.

It was finally Sunday, the day of the proposal, and I was in my room getting ready to go. I was anxious to see John again, even though we had spent all day yesterday texting and spent last night talking on the phone.

“That does concern me a little.” She said, popping her head up on her arm to look at me seriously. “I mean, you deserve a commitment Mel. Friends with benefits can – and usually does – backfire.”
“I wouldn’t call us friends with benefits. I just think we’re getting to know each other. Seeing where things go.”
Sunny kept her gaze on me and pursed her lips together. “Just… Promise me that if you start to get in too deep, you give him an ultimatum, OK?”
I rolled my eyes again. “OK. You know, Noah and John are going to be here to pick us up any minute, you better start getting ready. You know Noah gets pissy when you make him wait.”
“I am ready to go.” She said. I eyed her sloppy tee shirt (she slept in it last night.) Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and I doubt she had even brushed it. “Don’t give me that look, Mel. Noah and I have been together forever, I don’t need to impress him like you do with John. Plus, he’s going to dump me anyway. Maybe this will speed up the process.” She grumbled.
“Maybe part of the problem is that you two have gotten so comfortable with each other. When was the last time you dressed up for him? Put a little effort into it.” I said, not unkindly. Sunny would kill me if I let her go out looking like a slob when she was about to get proposed too.
“It’s not that easy. It’s just… It’s not exciting any more.”
This caused me to pause, mascara halfway to my eye. “Do you still want to be with him?” I asked. Maybe that was the issue. Maybe I should call Noah and tell him to call the whole thing off.
“Of course I do. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here. It’s just… We did get comfortable. It’s not new anymore. And the way people think about love, they just assume it’s easy all the time. Romance all the time. That’s not true. There’s no one I’d rather be bored with, or miserable with, then with Noah, but every time we hit a rough patch like this I get scared that he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Go put on something cute. Brush your hair. Put on some make up. Fake it till you make it.” I said, and she nodded and left my room.

“Sunny! The boys just texted, they’re downstairs.”
“Nice of them to come up and get us.” She grumbled again. Her mood wasn’t much better, but she did look better – jeans and sneakers still, but she had put on make up, fixed her hair, and changed into a more form fitting white v-neck that was at least clean.
“Sunny, can you just pretend like you’re having a good time? I really hate to make it all about me, but I don’t want it to be all awkward with John and I think it will be if you and Noah start fighting…”
“I’m sorry. I’ll behave, I promise.” She said, linking her arm with mine and plastering a smile on her face.

True to her word, Sunny behaved the whole trip. Noah, however, I wanted to throttle. I knew it was just nerves but he was being so distant. Every time Sunny tried to interact with him, he pulled back and it became harder and harder for Sunny to recover. I knew he was working her nerves – so even though we had planned on doing the proposal later, I shot John a look.

“Let’s ride some stuff guys.” John said, catching on.
“You guys go on, I’ll play some games.” I said, following along with the script we had planned out the night before.
“You aren’t afraid of a little water, are you Lanie?” He asked. Then he flapped his arms up and down and bawked like a chicken.
“Afraid of the water, no. Afraid of the drop at the top, yes.”
“So let’s play some games instead.” Sunny suggested. “That way we can hang out for a little bit longer together. We can do rides later.”
“Bet you I kick your ass at the water guns.” John prompted.
“Care to put your money where your mouth is?” I asked.
“Sure. If I win, you have to get on the log ride with us.”
“Lanie doesn’t do rides.” Sunny interjected again.
“Lanie doesn’t lose, so it’s a moot point. WHEN I win, you have to ride the merry-go-round and I am your queen for the day.”
“Let’s do this.” John said.
“Maybe we should eat lunch first guys…” Noah said. John and I both knew he knew what we were up too, and he was stalling.
“Nope. I want to win so I can go ahead and collect my reward. Let’s go.” I said, marching us over to the water gun stand.

I’m sure if you’ve been to any kind of fair or amusement park, you’ve seen this game. Basically you have a gun and you have to shoot it into a mouth of some plastic clown (or something of the like), and you race to see who can fill it up the fastest. It was going to be tricky to lose this game on purpose – I had to keep it close to at least look like I wanted to win, but also make sure that I didn’t win. Luckily, Sunny and Noah decided to play as well (not because they were in on the bet, but because the more people playing, the bigger the prize we won, and Sunny has a thing for crappy carnival stuffed animals.) I at least didn’t have to worry about Sunny paying too much attention to me.

You already know who won – and he made a good show of it too – jumping up and down, pumping his fists, doing a victory lap. Even though it was fixed I still wanted to slap him. He picked his prize – a bright orange stuffed monkey with velcro on it’s hands so you could hang it from things – and walked it over to me. Wrapping it’s arms around my neck, he leaned in to whisper in my ear.

“He can hold you when I’m not around.”

I felt myself blush way down to my toes, but I didn’t have much chance to react before he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the log ride.

“C’mon, I’m ready to collect.”

It was the end of the season for the park, and so there weren’t many people there. We didn’t have to wait in line long. On one hand, I was relieved. Less time to dwell and I would get the ride over more quickly. On the other hand, I didn’t want to do it at all. I tried to calm my breathing, but as I stepped into the log it took everything I had not to step back off.

“This is for Sunny. You’ll be fine. It’s just a few minutes.” I mumbled to myself.
“You OK there, Chicken?” John said, turning around. He was trying to razz me in front of Sunny for show, but I saw the concern in his eyes.
“I wish I was next to you.” I blurted out, my nerves clogging up my filter.
He slipped his hand back and took ahold of mine, giving it a squeeze. I knew he’d have to drop it in a moment, we’d have to hold up the signs – but for now I clung to it, not even thinking about how sweaty my hand had gotten.

I was sitting in the back. Originally, I had wanted to be in the middle – things felt safer in the middle. However we realized that if anyone was going to mess up their sign holding, it would be me (paralyzed with fear), so they stuck me in back to hold up the sign that simply said “Sunny”. John had “Will you” and Noah would be holding “Marry Me?” If we lost the Sunny, we’d be OK.

The ride started with a bump and a lurch. We twisted through some turns, and I was fine. I was actually thinking it was quite fun. I was OK when John dropped my hand, and I reached for my own sign to get it ready. I think I even laughed once. But then we reached the top, and we slowed just long enough for me to see how high we were.

“Oh shit.” Was all I managed before we were falling.

I thrust up my sign with one hand, hoping it’d be visible to the cameras, and with the other hand I clung on to the seat. This was not going to be an attractive picture of me – my mouth was open, my eyes were closed, but the thing about falling is that it’s always over fast. My eyes were still closed when I felt my sign being taken from me. John had grabbed it and stashed it back down below his feet before Sunny could see. He stepped out of the ride back on to the platform where he offered me a hand out.

“You’re shaking.” He said, pulling me to him and wrapping an arm around him.
“I wasn’t kidding about being terrified.” I said flatly.
“But you did it. As always, I am surprised by you.” He gave me a squeeze, and then to my disappointment, dropped his arm.
“Let’s go see the picture!” Sunny said. “It’s gotta be great, I want to see your face Mel. I heard you screaming all the way up front.”
Noah positioned himself behind Sunny, and dropped down to one knee. Sunny was too busy looking for our picture to notice.
“Oh, there we are!” She said. “Wait. What are you guys holding…” Then she gasped, and turned to find Noah.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so weird these past couple of days. My mind has been a little preoccupied and I didn’t mean to be so distant. I just know how lucky I am to have you, Sunny, and I wanted to make sure I had something that was worthy of you, because I’m requesting to have you for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve you, but if you’ll have me, I’ll take you.”
Sunny dropped to her knees in front of him, and wrapped her arms around him. “Oh Noah. You know you don’t even have to ask. Yes. Of course. Forever.”

One day at a time

“I just need the posters, John, and I can get going. I told Noah I’d drop them off.” I said, surprised at the cool and even tone of my voice.
“Well just give me a second and I can run and get my stuff and…”
“No.” I cut him off again. “I have stuff to do and I wasn’t expecting to wait so long. I really just need to run up and drop them off and be on my way.”
“You’re mad.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“I’m a little annoyed that I was kept waiting so long, especially with no notice, but I have nothing to be angry about.”
“You’re talking in a really clipped tone. Noah warned me about that.”
I raised an eyebrow, wondering when he and Noah had discussed me.
“I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I really am. I could have called and texted you, but honestly I forgot we were even meeting today – I forgot today was even Friday. You have every right to be angry but let me make it up to you. I’ll go get the posters and we can go out there and I’ll buy you a corn dog.”

I eyed him carefully. I didn’t really buy it. Didn’t appreciate being left waiting. Didn’t know who the girl was. But we had promised Noah we’d get those posters up there – he didn’t want to risk Sunny finding them on the drive up. I didn’t think John was going to let me have them unless I brought him along.

“You have five minutes to get the stuff and then I’m gone and you’ll have to explain to Noah on why they didn’t get there.”
“Yes m’am!” He saluted, and then turned and jogged into his house.

I had originally planned on him driving, but as soon as he slid into the seat next to me I was glad for the distraction. I was dying to question him about the girl, comment on how she was so pretty, but I knew that would give me away. It was none of my business, and while that normally wouldn’t be enough to stop me, I also didn’t want to seem like I cared.

I had expected John to try to make conversation, but he didn’t. All he did was apologize again, and then told me to excuse him while he returned some work emails on his phone. I bit back my snarky reply. Sunny was wrong, so very wrong. John and I were just friends and honestly he was barely treating me as that.

The silence was making me uncomfortable, so I decided to put on my headset and make some work calls of my own. John raised an eyebrow when I started, but said nothing. I didn’t care if he thought it was rude – he had made me miss hours of work for nothing, the least I could do was make some of it up on the way up.

Finally we arrived, and after some confusion, we were instructed to leave the posters in the control room of the log ride we would be doing.

“Wanna go for a test run?” John said nodding his head towards the log ride.
“No.” I answered quickly and firmly.
“Why not? It’s just one little ride.”
“I don’t do rides.” I answered. “You can go if you want. I’ll wait here.” I said, heading towards a bench.
“Why not?” He asked, sitting down next to me.
“Why would I want too? The whole point of rides like that is to make you feel like you’re about to die. It’s supposed to be thrilling. But I just think that life is scary enough. I like feeling safe.”
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “And you don’t feel safe on a day to day basis?”
“I…” I faltered. John had a knack for throwing me off guard by taking things in a direction I didn’t expect them to go. “I wouldn’t say I don’t feel safe. I feel…” I trailed off, searching for a word. “Unstable. The business is… I just didn’t… I’m not where I expected I’d be and sometimes it’s a little unsettling.”
“Where did you expect to be? I mean you’re what, twenty-six?” He looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. “And you own your own business? A pretty successful business too. Where else would you expect to be?”
“The business wasn’t mine, I had other plans, but things changed.”
“Your uncle?” He asked.
“You know about that, huh?”
“Not much. He died, he left you the business.”
I nodded. “I was in college. I had my own plans. Things changed.” I shrugged and looked away. “That’s what I mean – life has it’s own thrills. I have a hard enough time navigating them, I don’t need a ride.”
“But you could quit. Sell the business, right? If you aren’t happy…”
I shook my head. “We tried. No one wanted it, not whole anyway…”
“So piece it out. I mean it shouldn’t be your burden, so why are you carrying it if you don’t want it?”
“It’s not that I don’t want it. I just didn’t expect it. I mean when I was six I’m sure I said I wanted to own my own pizza place, that’s a six year olds dream. But then I grew up and got my own plans…”
“So continue on with your own plans.”
“It’s not that easy…” I said, feeling my annoyance rise.
“Yes it is. You only get one life and…”
“You think I don’t know that? My Uncle died John, I’m aware that there are no second chances.” I couldn’t keep the bite out of my voice.
“He died, but you didn’t, so why aren’t you doing what YOU want?”
“Because.” I said, not wanting to divulge so much so soon, especially to someone who had pissed me off so recently. I felt the tears building up behind my eyes, angry and hot.
“Because why?” He asked.
“Because it’s all I have left of him. Because I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. Because I miss him. Because sometimes life changes and all you can do is roll with the punches. Take your pick John. There’s lots of reasons.”
“Hey now.” He said, gently as the first tear slid down my face slowly, like a traitor. “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
“Well you’ve been pretty good at doing it all day long. Can we just go? I really didn’t expect to be here so late.”
He studied my face for a moment, then nodded slowly. “Do you have time for me to take you somewhere? If you don’t, I understand, but I’d like too. I’d like to make it up to you.”
I shrugged, suddenly not caring any more. I wanted to go home, but I also wanted to save face and not give the impression that I was so upset.

When we got to the parking lot, he took my keys from me, and started to drive home, or at least I thought was home. But he passed our exit, and drove for another twenty minutes, not talking, and turned off onto a bumpy dirt road. Finally he stopped – we were out in the country somewhere. Without saying a word, he parked the car, got out, and sat on the hood. I waited a minute, and then followed his lead. The stars were out in full force, and he was looking up at them when he started talking.

“When I was growing up, I had a best friend named Chad. We did everything together, until we turned thirteen and entered high school. I can’t tell you when, exactly it had changed, or what changed between us but… I was making new friends and trying new things and Chad was just… Stuck. I got busy, and Chad. Well, I guess Chad was just alone a lot. We didn’t have a major falling out or anything, no fights, we were still friends. I just didn’t spend every weekend with him like before because I had football or basketball or homework. I guess there must have been signs, but I didn’t notice because at thirteen you can’t see past your own face in the mirror. Practice ended early one Saturday and I decided to swing by Chad’s because… Well I don’t even remember anymore. His Mom wasn’t home, but I knew they left their side door open, so I went in and went on down to the basement where I knew he hung out.” He stopped for a moment, no longer looking at the sky but out into the distance. “He was just… Hanging there. I remember it felt like I had been standing there for an hour, just trying to process what was going on – his feet weren’t touching the floor and his face was puffy and…” He trailed off, running a hand through his hair, mussing it. “I just left him there. I ran home and I didn’t tell anyone I had been there. His Mom called my Mom later that day after she found him and I pretended like I didn’t know. And maybe I didn’t really know – I had spent the whole day telling myself that it was just some weird prank Chad was playing…” He trailed off again, and I was wondering what to say, when he picked back up.
“Anyway. I had a rough go of it. I wondered if I had been around more… I felt guilty about not telling anyone, because how horrible was it for his Mom to find him like that? I spent a lot of time in my room, by myself. Scared the hell out of my Mom. She called my Granny, and my Granny picked me up one night and took me out to a place where we could see the stars, and she told me that there’s an Eskimo saying that goes “perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines upon us to let us know they are happy.” She told me Chad was very unhappy on earth, but now he was happy, except for me being so sad. Let it go she said. It wasn’t easy to do. It didn’t happen that day, or even that year. But slowly, I did let him go. I miss him. I love him, but I don’t feel guilty any more.” He looked at me, expectantly, and I knew I was supposed to tell him about my Uncle.

“I just think about him, and how sad he must have been, and what was I doing? Partying? Worrying about some boy who didn’t matter? I didn’t call home nearly as often as I should and when I did, I never asked about him or how it was going for him. I was selfish. I can forgive myself for that – I was young, but what I can’t get over is that he was my whole world and he obviously had no idea because if he did, he never would have left me. I just think about how sad he must have been and I just…” My voice cracked here, and I can’t continue. When I think about how sad my Uncle was I get overwhelmed – I feel his sadness crushing me.
“Shhh Mel. Don’t cry. Don’t – it’s not your fault…” John has my face in his hands, brushing away tears with his thumb. “Oh, you’re so beautiful, even when you’re sad…” He mummers, and the next thing I know, his lips are on mine, and my arms are holding on to him for dear life.

Far too soon, he broke away with a small growl.
“I’m sorry Melanie. I shouldn’t have done that. It was an emotional moment and I took advantage of it.”
“You didn’t want to kiss me?” I asked, confused.
“No, I did… It’s just…” He sighed.
“Do you have someone else? The girl from earlier?” I asked.
“Who?” He said, looking confused. “Oh, her? No. I told you, she’s a co-worker. I’m single, I just…” He trailed off again.
“You don’t like me.” I said, hoping I didn’t sound as sad as I felt. “It’s OK… Maybe we should just…”

He turned and kissed me again, less urgently this time, but I still felt the same the same heat as I had moments before. Then he leaned his forehead up against mine.

“I like you. And I really like doing that.”
“Then what is it?” I asked, confused.
“I just got out of something, and I’m not sure I’m ready for anything… And I’m a little nervous about being anyone’s first boyfriend… I just don’t know if the timing is right.”
“Look, I’m not expert in stuff like this, but… Why do we have to decide now? Can’t we just see how it goes, get to know each other a little better? Friends… With maybe some benefits? If things get more serious we can reevaluate then. Right now we don’t have to commit to getting married.”
He studied me for a minute and then smiled slowly. “You always take me by surprise, Lanie.”
I returned his smile, and then leaned back on the hood of the car, looking up at the stars, and a few minutes later, John joined me. He didn’t say a word, just took my hand in his, as we laid side by side watching the stars.

Expect a post late tonight or at some point tomorrow - last week was crazy (Cayden didn't want to go to school, then Thursday we took him out of school to have an early birthday celebration for him, then Jer and I finally got a date night on Friday and we were out and about till late Saturday, then Sunday we took the kids to an apple farm, blah blah blah I know, but basically we've been running around all last week and this weekend) I'm not feeling so hot today so I'm trying to chill out a little. I also might bump up posting to twice a week - I feel like we're moving so slowly but I also don't want to over commit, so we'll see how it goes.

He's my son

I have a friend who is one of my close friends, and her son is Cayden's best friend. We met up a last week or maybe it was the week before, just to catch up and let the boys play. She told me a story about a co-worker who is also her landlord. His four year old had a bump on his side. They didn't think much of it, but decided to go get it checked out. Long story short, they find that he has cancer. I don't know the specifics - I'm not close to this family by any means (I think our boys played in the same soccer league, but his older son was in a different age group and I'm not sure his 4 year old played. I think she pointed him out once at a game.) But it rocked me. Four year old's can't get cancer. It shouldn't happen. Four year olds should get scraped knees, bruises. Maybe a broken arm if something drastic HAS to happen, but they don't get cancer.

Again, I don't know the specifics, but what my friend told me isn't good. The little bump? Is the size of a cantaloupe on the inside. The cancer is very rare, something like only 600 cases of it have been reported or whatever. It's going to be difficult and dangerous to operate. There's a 30% chance of survival.

Did I mention he's four?

This is Cayden on his first day of school:



Cayden is about to turn four, and this is what four year olds should be doing. Going to school. Playing outside with friends. Giving attitude to Mom and Dad. Not getting chemo. Not losing their hair. School - not cancer.

I know it's selfish of me to think of Cayden while all this is going on, but that's my first thought. What would I do if I took him to the doctor for something that I assumed was something no big deal - a bump, maybe one of those water filled cysts. Only to find out everything this family has found out? My gorgeous, bright, sometimes annoying but so very alive and wonderful baby boy - how could I watch him get sicker because that's the only way we might have a chance at making him better... How could I possibly explain to him what was going on?

And what if it were Eli?

How would I deal with everything Eli was going through, but then also be expected to not only care for my older boy, but to be able to find the words to explain what was happening to his younger brother - someone that he fights with, but also cuddles and loves and explains things too and plays with?



Honestly I can't even wrap my head around it. I just keep saying, what the fuck? Four year olds do not get cancer.

But, of course they do. I've heard plenty of stories, and I've seen the St. Jude's commercials. It's not fair, it's not the tiniest bit fair at all, but it happens. It happens all the time.

All I can hear in my head over and over again is the song "He's my son" by Mark Schultz. It was popular when I was younger, and it's a religious song (which I kind of smirk at, because I'm not very religious.) But it's such a moving song about a man who is begging with God to let him take his son's place - because "he's not just anyone, he's my son."

I didn't want to be a debbie Downer, but I'm just so sad for this family, and every time my friend gives me an update, I have to let the boys sleep with me, because I just, I can't imagine. I don't want to imagine, and though I'm not very religious, I thank every religious figure out there that so far both my boys are healthy. I know I'm the ultimate complainer, but really health is something that I take for granted so often, and I just. I don't know.

Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers (if you're the praying kind.) If you are at all interested in donating to them, please let me know. I know they are doing a walk on Sunday, but I'm not sure if they have a website for donations or not.

And if you have them, hug your kids extra hard tonight.

Stood up

I was surprised – and embarrassed – when I woke up the next morning to John softly calling my name.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” I said, shooting up. “I totally passed out on you.”
“It’s OK, you were tired. I ended up falling asleep too. I didn’t want to wake you, but I have to go, I’m late for work. I didn’t want to just run out on you and I wasn’t sure if you’d have time to check my texts.” He said with a wink.
“Well, if every time I don’t respond to a text you’re going to come over and cook me dinner, then I may never reply to any texts again.” I said, smiling.
“I knew I set the bar too high.” He said. “But seriously, text me later. And I hope today is better than yesterday.”
“Thanks.” I said, leaning up to give him a hug. “Still on for Friday?”
“Of course. See you then.” He said, and with a little wave he walked out of my room.

I lay in bed for a moment, processing everything. Then I threw back the blankets and got out of bed myself. I felt much more refreshed, but I knew I needed to get going. Today was probably going to be yesterday’s twin.

I padded out to go to the bathroom, but stopped when I saw Sunny sitting at the bar where I had sat last night, cup of coffee in front of her.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised.
“What was John doing here?” She asked, looking up and smirking at me.
“You first.” I said, plopping down next to her.
She sighed. “I think your story is probably more fun than mine. Noah and I got into it again. I left and came home. I was waiting here to talk to you about it when Mr. John came strolling out.”
“You didn’t say anything to him, did you?”
“Good morning. Was that allowed?” She answered, a little bite to her sarcasm.
“Sorry Sun. It’s just… We’re just friends. He came over last night randomly because I didn’t answer his texts yesterday because we were so swamped. He thought I was mad. He saw I was tired, made me dinner, then we went in to watch a movie and we both fell asleep. I know you want us to be together but I think all we’re going to be is friends.”
“You think he came all the way over here because he has just friendly feelings for you?”
I sighed, and finally decided to cave. “I don’t know. You know me, I suck at these sort of things. But I mean, he didn’t kiss me. And if I thought I had offended you and couldn’t get a hold of you, I would have stopped by to check too.”
“Yes, and I would have as well, but we’re girls. Guys operate differently than we do. If he was friends and thought he offended you, as a guy he would have tried to contact you, and then when he didn’t reach you, let it go. That’s what guys do. They ignore problems, it’s like, in their DNA. However, when they like you they put in far more effort. Not to mention, I guess I could maybe see you guys being just friends if he had just stopped by. But he stopped by, made you dinner, and then slept here.”
“He said he fell asleep.”
“And he might have, but I highly doubt he fell asleep at the same exact time you did. Which means he stayed even though you were asleep. He wanted to stay here.”
“I don’t know Sunny.” I hesitated.
“I know you don’t. But I do. I’m not saying it’s love or anything yet, Lanie. But it’s definitely the start of like-like.”
“Like-like?” I said, laughing. “What is that?”
“Oh shut up. You know what I mean.” She said, swatting at me.
“I know, but you sounded about twelve. So what’d you and Noah fight about?”
She sighed again. “Same stuff I told you about. He’s just so distant. Distracted, and snappy. So I told him there was no point in me being there and came home. I think I’m just going to avoid him for a few days.” She twirled her coffee cup in her hands for a moment. “Mom’s convinced he’s going to propose. She’s crazy – he’s not acting like a man who’s so in love he wants to get married. He’s acting like he wants to break up.”

I had to work at hiding my smile. Of course Sunny’s Mom knew about the proposal. Noah, in an attempt to make things old school, had asked for her parent’s permission first. I know other people would think that by mentioning it to Sunny, her Mom was trying to sabotage the proposal, but that wasn’t the case. It just demonstrated how well Susan (Sunny’s Mom) knew her daughter. Sunny was pretty much an only child. She had had an older brother who Sunny’s Mom had had very young (and with a different man than her father), but his relationship with her parents was rocky. He had left one night when Sunny was about five, saying goodbye only to Sunny, and they hadn’t seen or heard from him since. Sunny’s Mom was torn up about it, felt extremely guilty that she just couldn’t connect with her son, couldn’t “fix” him, and for a little bit went a little crazy trying to find him (understandably so). When she realized her search was coming up empty and that she was neglecting the daughter she still had and her husband, she eased up a bit (though she still searches for him, it’s not to the extent that she once did.) Desperate not to make the same mistake twice, she really worked on hers and Sunny’s relationship, and they were close. However, even though she’d never admit it, I think Sunny resented just a tiny bit that she didn’t have the typical, volatile Mother-daughter relationship that so many of her friends have. She’d make it a point to do the opposite of whatever her Mother’s advice was. It wasn’t hard to see this pattern emerging, so of course Susan had caught on quickly and she always advised Sunny in the opposite of what she thought she should really do – in this case, she didn’t want Sunny to find out Noah was going to propose, so she put it out in the open.

“What do you think, Mel?” She asked, looking up at me. I hadn’t realized she had been talking, and now she was looking up at me, expectantly.
“I’ve never been in this position before, Sun, and I’m sure if I was I would feel hurt and scared and angry like you do. But, as an outsider and one who knows Noah well, I think it’s just a phase. You know how he internalizes everything. Something probably happened at work or with one of his friends and he’s taking it out on you because you’re the safe one. I’d give him some space. He’ll realize he’s pissed you off and apologize and let you know what’s going on.”
“Maybe I should skip our trip on Sunday.” She said, biting a nail.
“NO!” I said, a little too quickly. She looked up at me, confused. “If you skip it, then I’ll have no reason to go. And I want to see John.” I covered, quickly.
She smiled. “I’m happy you finally found someone, Mel. Let’s just hope my relationship doesn’t fizzle while yours is starting. I’m going to go shower. Wanna ride to work together?”
I nodded, and watched her go. As soon as I was sure she was safe in the shower, I picked up the phone and dialed Noah.

“Hello?” He answered. “I can’t talk, class starts soon.”
“You need to cool it, buster. Sunny thinks you’re going to break up with her, and she might try to beat you to the punch if you aren’t careful.”
He sighed. “I know. I know. I’m spacey and then she asks me about it and I don’t know what to say so I just snap at her. I don’t mean it, but all I can think about is the proposal and not letting things slip before Sunday.”
“Well, I advised that she give you some space. Send her flowers with an apology – and before you ever complain, yes this warrants flowers. Then, when she calls to thank you, tell her you’re having some stresses at work and to maybe give you some space until Sunday because you don’t want to take it out on her.”
“What kind of stresses?” He asked.
“I don’t know. Tell her you’re butting heads with the principal – he wants you to reworks some lesson plans or something. Nothing major though because then she’ll worry you’re going to get fired. I have to go, if I’m not in the shower when she gets out, she’ll know somethings up.”
“Thanks Mel. Bye.”
I shook my head while heading to my bathroom – already I had started my morning dealing with crises.

The day was a repeat of yesterday. The bakery was still closed for clean up, so we had their overflow again, but at least this time we were prepared (I had called Rachel to make up extra muffins, which were a hit.) People were still coming in and applying as well, and their dress code hadn’t gotten any better. It was stressful, but I found I was in a much better mood that I was the day before (helped by the string of texts John and I sent back and forth.) Sunny’s mood also improved once she got the flowers and explanation from Noah.

I maintained my good mood until Friday, when I cheerfully told Sunny that I had a doctor’s appointment and left early, and drove myself to John’s house, where we had agreed to meet. He wasn’t there yet, which was no big deal. He was coming from work, so maybe he got caught up. I sent him a quick text to let him now I was here, and then went to shoot off some quick emails.

I glanced at the clock on my dash – ten minutes had gone by. No John. No return text. I drummed my fingers on the dash and tried to decide if I should send him another text or if that would seem pushy. I postpone. He should be here any minute, right?

….An hour later, I gave up on texting and tried to call. Voicemail. Was he OK? Was there an accident? I could totally understand getting stuck at work, but he couldn’t send me a text to let me know?

Still, I waited. Waited longer than I cared to admit. I was just about to pull off when another car pulled in front of me. I glanced, noticing that it wasn’t John’s, but then on a second take, I saw that John was in the car. Next to what looked to be a gorgeous brunette.

The first thought I had was to blow the horn and give them both the bird as I pulled away, but I realized that that was probably a little over dramatic (but would have felt good, especially after being kept waiting as long as I had been.) I ended up going with my next plan. I waited (and watched, though that sounds slightly creepy) as John talked to the girl – him laughing, her tossing her hair – until he got out and waved as she drove away. Then I beeped the horn, watched him jump, and turn to face me, a look of surprise on his face.

“Mel!” He yelled, slapping his forehead as I rolled down the window. “I’m so sorry! I got caught up in a meeting and totally spaced, and then my car wouldn’t start so…”

Bad days don't always end badly

Believe it or not, as excited as I was about that blinking message, I forgot all about it. First we got slammed. Usually breakfast wasn’t bad – a trickle, then a stream, then a trickle again, but nothing we couldn’t manage. However, the bakery that usually took a good chunk of breakfast traffic was closed (I found out later that morning due to word of mouth that they had had a water line burst), so we got all their customers, plus our own. Normally after breakfast there’s a calm, but Sunny had neglected to tell me that she had already placed an ad for extra help and told people to come by to fill out an application – an application that we didn’t even have, by the way, because we only really hired students from the high school.

It also didn’t help that it seemed like every person who came in to apply was someone I would never in a million years hire. I know we’re just a pizza place, and I wasn’t expecting people to show up in a suit and tie or anything, but we had girls come in with shorts that didn’t cover their ass and guys who looked like they didn’t even bother to shower in the last century. One girl came in wearing her pajamas!

So, I had to talk to everyone who came in and take down information longhand – basic things like phone number, age, hours of availability and so on, until we got a break and I could get to the internet to try to find real application that could use.

Only I never got a break, because by now the lunch rush was here and we were slammed again because of the bakery (they made breads and served sandwiches at lunch.) I’m sure you all have had days like these – where everyone wants something NOW and you seem to just be going from one crises to another? Yeah. Basically anything that wasn’t the shop left my mind and I was running in survival mode.

By the time I DID get a break it was time to go home, and I barely remembered to even grab my cell phone before I left let alone remember to check it. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl in to bed. I didn’t want food, I didn’t want to talk, I wasn’t even sure I was going to change out of my clothes.

I had just thrown myself face down on my bed when I heard the knocking on the door. I wasn’t going to answer it, I wasn’t even sure I could open my eyes if I wanted too. However, the knocking continued – steady and unyielding.

It might be Sunny. I thought to myself. She was staying with Noah tonight but she often forgot things, including her keys. I shuffled to the door, trying to hold down the snark that was threatening to bubble out of my mouth as I threw open the door.

“John?” I asked, confused. Then my hand flew to my hair – which I had messily piled on top of my head while in the kitchen earlier, and I could only imagine how my face looks. “What is with you stopping by when I look like crap? Do you have some sort of ESP for that kind of thing?” I blurted before I could stop myself.
“You don’t look like crap.” He said, as if my outburst was totally normal. “You just look tired. And I am sorry about busting in, but you didn’t answer my texts or my phone call and I was worried I offended you.”

I opened the door wider and motioned for him to come in. “Tired is code word for shit, so when someone says you look tired, they mean you look like shit.”
“Or it could just mean that you look tired. You sound like you might be angry with me.”
“No, I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day. I’m sorry.” I said, collapsing in a chair.
“I can go, so you can go to sleep.”
Just then, my stomach growled loudly. John eyed it.
“Have you eaten?” He asked.
“Too tired to fix anything to eat, and I didn’t want to look at another pizza.”
“Let me make you something – least I can do for busting in on you like this.”
I wanted to protest. I wasn’t used to people taking care of me. But I didn’t. Instead I just nodded.
“That would be amazing. I have no idea what we have in the kitchen, Sunny grocery shops, but you can help yourself to whatever.”
“Why don’t you lay on the couch and veg out in front of the TV? I’m no gourmet, so don’t get your hopes up, but I won’t give you food poisoning either.”
“Peanut butter and jelly would be good at this point.” I said, shuffling over.
“Whoot. A girl with low standards is my kind of girl.” He said, winking at me before entering the kitchen.

I meant to lay down on the couch and veg like John had suggested. And I tried to do just that. But as soon as I laid down, my brain started buzzing. Why was he here, exactly? What did this mean? He must like me, he drove all the way over simply because he thought I was offended. And if he thought I was offended, he must have said something borderline offensive in his text. I popped off the couch and went in search of my phone.

I had two missed calls from him and three texts.
John: I deleted it so crazy chicks couldn’t facebook stalk me.
John: I was joking.
John: You aren’t mad at you?

I walked back into the livingroom and sat at the bar which had a window into the kitchen. John glanced up from where he was chopping vegetables.

“I thought I told you to veg out?”
I shrugged in response. “You thought I’d be offended by this?” I asked, holding up my phone.
“I hoped you wouldn’t be, but then when you didn’t answer, I wasn’t sure. I’ve had girls get crazier over less.”
“Oh-ho. This is a story I need to hear.” I said, propping my head up on my elbow.
He sighed in mock exasperation, but then smiled. “I have tons of stories, but I guess the most recent was this girl I had gone out with a couple of times. One night we were out at a bar, and she’s cracking jokes on me. Then she said something – I can’t even remember what she said or what I said, but I was able to turn the tables and crack on her. She got really quiet and started to cry. Even though I thought she was being a bit dramatic and over re-acting, I apologized. She excused herself to the restroom and when she came back she was composed and I thought she was OK. Until she took the butter knife and started trying to cut her wrists.”
I raised my eyebrows. “So basically you came over here to remove all my butter knives?”
“Yup.” He said, popping a chopped piece of broccoli into his mouth.
“So why did you really delete facebook?” I asked. “Was it really crazy girls stalking you?”
“Kind of.” He said, turning to drop the vegetables into a hot pan where they sizzled.
“Care to elaborate?” I asked.
“It was a year or so ago, and I had just returned back here from a visit from home. Some girl I went to high school with kept texting me asking if I had checked my facebook page yet. I hadn’t, I had just gotten home. She just kept bugging me. I thought maybe she had shared a cool picture or had some news – I don’t know, maybe she was pregnant or getting married. Nope. She had just written on my wall that she missed me. That was it. I got like, seven texts from her to check my wall for that. So I deactivated my account and haven’t been back since. People want to talk to me, they can call.”
“But how will they see all the pictures your friend took of you while you were drunk?” I asked, smirking.
“I don’t get drunk. So that’s a moot point.” He set a steaming plate of stir fry in front of me.
“This smells amazing.”

We didn’t end up talking much during dinner. I was hungrier than I thought and I was too busy inhaling my food. John watched me, impressed when I finished in what felt like mere minutes after setting the food in front of me.

“Did it taste good?” He asked, an amused smile on his lips.
I nodded. “Sorry. Normally I chew.” I said, slightly embarrassed.

He finished his not long after I finished mine and placed the plates in the sink.

“I can get on, so you can go back to sleep. If you want.”

The way he said it, I knew he didn’t want to go. And to be honest, I didn’t really want him to go either. It was a weird feeling. I was used to being on my own. Sure, I lived with Sunny and she was around a lot, but she also had Noah and there were chunks of time where she was with him and I was alone. If you had asked me before John had come over I would have told you that I LIKED being left alone. But thinking of him leaving and me being alone suddenly felt… Well, lonely.

“You can stay. I mean, if you want. I’m not up for much, but we can watch some TV. The blu-ray player is in my room, we can go in there and watch something.”
“Sounds good. What are we watching?” He asked.
“I don’t care, you pick. I’m going to go change really quickly.”

He went over to our blu-ray collection, and when I came out of the bathroom, he had made himself comfortable. I crawled up on the bed, and he opened his arms. Without thinking, I crawled up and laid my head on his chest.

I didn’t even make it five minutes into the movie before I passed out.