Sunshine Blues

First of all, you guys are so sweet, I really appreciate all the love and support!

To give you all a brief background on my summer (to sort of explain where I'm at right now) here it is:

It started in June, shortly after Cayden got out of school for the summer. I grew up with a girl named Shannon - we met in first grade, and we were good friends from then on. After high school we drifted apart. I always hoped to get back in touch with her, and I always thought we would, but Shannon was the type of person who had to be the one to reach out to you, and so I kept tabs on her through her Mom and sister. Anyway, end of June her Mom posts on facebook that Shannon was in the hospital. I didn't know what for, and didn't think it was my place to ask, but I did ask if she wanted visitors - her Mom said no, but she would let Shan know I asked about her. I didn't think anything was majorly wrong. I followed updates and that first week things seemed promising - her Mom posted that the meds seemed to be working and Shannon might get to go home.

Saturday morning I woke up to a message from her sister. Shannon is dying, Doctors have asked for people to come say their goodbyes. She knew I loved Shannon and she said Shannon loved me - so to please come. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement. I hadn't seen Shannon for ten years at this point, and now I'm supposed to go say goodbye to her?

I went, of course. Shannon was on life support. She was not conscious. Another friend from middle school was there, and we talked and shared memories of Shannon and stayed for a long time. We both went home promising to be back tomorrow - not knowing if there would be tomorrow.

Shannon held on almost another week. I went to see her every day, and I was there with her family when she passed - which was one of the hardest things I ever had to witness. We then went through the funeral and burial, where I was honored to be a pallbearer. There were a lot of complex feelings to deal with. Initially, I thought she might get better still - the second day I went and saw her she looked better. And then the day after that was a bad day - it was an emotional rollercoaster. I finally accepted a few days before her death that everyone was just waiting on the 'when' of death, and hers was coming a lot sooner than the rest of ours. I worried that she wouldn't want me there if she was awake (she probably wouldn't have - she would have hated anyone seeing her like that, but I was more afraid she wouldn't want me there because she didn't like me any more.) I was worried I didn't have a right to be so fucking sad over someone I hadn't seen in ten years. I was mad that this was how it ended. I was also upset due to the actions of some of the people we grew up with.

It still hurts. And it's odd to miss someone you haven't seen in ten years. It's not like I was used to seeing her daily, but just the thought that she's no longer in this world, that we'll never have a chance to reconnect - it hurts. And I still worry that people will think I'm being dramatic because I miss her, but... The thing about the people you grow up with is that they know you before you know yourself. The witness you growing, trying on new personalities, figuring things out. They often see you at your worst, your most raw. And that's important. Losing Shannon is losing a huge chunk on my childhood. Not to mention, she was a damn good person, and the world is a sadder place without her.

Shannon died of liver failure. There is some speculation on why - the hospital labeled her an alcoholic (when she was admitted, she was drunk.) Her Mom said that the drinking had just started recently - she was depressed because she had gone on disability due to a foot injury. I wonder if Shannon had been drinking longer - a lot of stories told about her from different people involved getting drunk with her. Her sister also said she was taking a lot of prescribed medicine. Shannon also ignored the signs that someone was wrong with her health and did not seek medical attention until it was too late. The last words she spoke to her Mom were "I know I did this to myself."

I don't tell you that last part to be dramatic, but because it's important to know that these things happen to young people. Shannon is three months older than me - I'll be 29 in January. She didn't make it to her 29th birthday. Please, be careful when drinking.

In July, my brother went crazy, again. It's really not worth detailing much, but I've been dealing with him and his issues for awhile now, and again my family wanted me to drop my life and get involved in his self created drama, and I just couldn't do it. I know a lot of people would probably judge me for this, and I judge myself a little too, but I just had my own shit going on, and I just... Couldn't. There's a zen saying that goes "Not my circus, not my monkeys." And that's how I felt about it. But still, I felt guilty about it and my Mom was hounding me to get me involved and it was a frustrating thing. My brother had also been pretty selfish and rude in the events leading up to this, and I ultimately felt it was just not healthy for me or my kids to be around. We still talk, I still see him, but his drama is his drama.

To add to the fun in July, Jeremy and I are having marital problems. It came to a head in July and divorce was (and still is being) seriously discussed. I don't know what we're doing, I suppose we'll figure it out, but it's just never fun to be in limbo.

I thought with all that happening, I was due for a break. I hadn't done much with the kids this summer so I thought, August. We'll get a ton of stuff done before we go back to school.

Then I ended up in the hospital for seven days. It started with a pain in my side - very acute, and googling I saw it was in the area of my spleen. I thought maybe it was a weird muscle cramp, but it hurt 3 days later and I felt weak, and now it was starting to hurt when I took deep breaths in, so I went into the ER. I sat in the ER forever, to be told that I had an enlarged spleen and something called a spleen infarction - blood flow had been cut off to a part of my spleen - that was the pain. They didn't know why blood flow had been cut off - they suspected a blood clot. They were admitting me to the observation floor - I'd be there one day, two days tops for some testing, and then I could go home.

My second night there a doctor came in at 1 am and said we're moving you floors, you shouldn't really be on this floor (it's an insurance thing, I guess the observation unit isn't technically being admitted, but if they keep you there for more than 2 days, you have to actually be admitted. I know, I don't get it either.) Long story short, they think I have a blood clot. They do a bajillion tests (including one that involved putting a tube down my throat) and draw a million vials of blood. End result: No blood clot was found. Must have just gone away. However, they did find a hole in my heart. Super common, we all have them when we're babies, and 1 in 4 people have them now. No big deal normally. However, IF I had a clot, it becomes dangerous. They have to plug the hole. So, surgery to do that. I finally get to go home.

I then start to realize that this whole summer has been shit, and I am just sad all the time. No motivation to do anything, short temper with my kids. I realize this has been going on for awhile but I've been dealing with stuff that I just haven't noticed. I go to the doctor for my follow up - she puts me on an anti depressant. It's working (thank Jesus) and I feel a million times better.

I've also been having another issue where my hands randomly go numb. They're doing some testing for that on Thursday. I'm telling you both those things because while I want to commit to picking the blog back up, I also don't want to disappoint you if health or depression issues arise. I'll always keep you guys in the loop if I can of course, but you know. Health comes first.

Lastly, Cayden's birthday is the 28th and his party is the 27th. I've got a lot of prep to do for that, so if I come back, it probably won't be until after - but I'll see what I can do before hand :-)

To be honest

Hey y'all,

When I decided to quit, I ran away. I didn't check comments, I didn't check emails. I shut it out. I did it because I was totally afraid that someone would say something nasty, and I'd feel guilty about leaving. To be honest, I would have deserved it - I've talked my fair share of shit about other bloggers. The thing is, writing can be fun - but it can be hard, and when real life creeps in... I obviously couldn't have been more wrong - you all were totally supportive and for that I'm grateful

I stumbled across a part of the blog saved on my computer last night and I re-read it and I missed it - and I found myself wondering what happened. I feel like I left Matt and Lanie in some sort of suspended time.

To be honest though, I'm going through some stuff. I had a bit of a rough summer and I'm having a hard time recovering from it. I'm a little bit afraid of taking something on that I'm honestly not sure I can finish. I want to finish this story, and I have an idea for another one, but. That fear of disappointing people (if there is even anyone left.)

So. I'll try. I'm not going to have a schedule, and I'm not making any promises, but I would like to try if y'all will let me.

As for the boys - they are good. Cayden is in FIRST grade (Crazy, right?) Eli is in preschool. Cayden turns SIX at the end of the month, and Eli will be four in November.