Shoulda said no

Matt left shortly after, telling me to call him when I felt better in order to go over plans for class. I knew he was giving me space to read the card and call John, but after he was gone, I flopped on my stomach and ignored the flowers. My head was aching, and I was a little ticked off.

Was it an apology? Did it matter if it was? Why flowers, why now? Maybe I was being irrational, but if it was an apology, it should have been done in person. Finally I sighed, got up, and took out the card.

It was a plain white card with “Get Well Soon” across the top. On the bottom was simply scrawled “John”.

“What the fuck?” I said out loud to myself, my voice cracking. I started to cough, and when I finally managed to stop, I turned it over to make sure there was nothing on the back. Nope.

Who does that? We had essentially broken up the day before, and now he sends me flowers? I appreciated the gesture, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but really isn’t a little much? I had never received flowers before in my life, and now I was getting them from a guy who didn’t want to be my boyfriend, all because I had a cough? I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I should, but finally I decided that I should say something, so I texted him.

Me: Got your flowers. Thanks.

I put my phone on the nightstand thinking it would be awhile before he answered, but almost immediately it buzzed on the nightstand.

John: You’re welcome. Feeling better?

Me: A little, but have a feeling it’s going to get worse.

John: I’m sorry. Can I stop by later and bring you anything? Soup?

Me: Sunny just had Noah drop off some soup.

John: Tylenol? Kleenex?

Me: I’ve got it all covered, but if you really want to stop by, go ahead. Be warned, I look like crap and you might get sick.

I thought that would deter him from coming, why would he want to get sick? But to my surprise he wrote:

John: I get off at five, I’ll head over.

I didn’t respond. He obviously wanted to come over, but why? Did he think I’d see him and just forget that he didn’t want to be with me, fall back into the same old pattern of things? That wasn’t going to happen.

I was starting to feel worse, so I took some more medicine, set an alarm, and snuggled back down into the covers. My alarm woke me a little while later, and I dragged my butt out of bed and in to the shower. I knew a cold shower would help bring down my fever, but I also didn’t want to look like total crap in front of John – at the very least I could smell nice. I changed back into a cute pair of pajamas, and picked up the crumpled tissues all over the bed. I had just fallen back in to bed when the knock came on the door.

“Come in!” I yelled, too tired to get out of bed. The yelling caused me to start coughing, and the lovely sight of me hacking up a lung is what John walked in on.

“You been to a doctor?” He asked, looking concerned. He was wearing a suit, and he looked good. He never wore a suit – usually a polo and jeans. He worked in an office but often had to go out to job sites and needed to be comfortable and also able to get dirty.

I shook my head. “It’s a cold John, it’s a bad one, but all the doctor is going to tell me is rest, and fluids.” And with that I took a long swing from the orange juice Sunny had left for me.

He stood there, at the door of my room, just watching me, and I began to feel shy. My head was also beginning to pound and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.

“Did you just come over to look at me and make sure I’m alive? Because I assure you that I am still alive.” I said, coughing again. I rubbed my head, trying to ease the pounding.

“Head hurt?” He asked. I nodded, and he crossed the room to my bed side, shrugging off his jacket and unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeves. “May I?” He asked, gesturing to the bed.

I eyed him suspiciously. “What do you want John?”

“I want to sit down right now, rub your head, and talk to you.”

I didn’t feel like I had the strength to argue with him, so again I nodded, and he slipped off his shoes and slid next to me on the bed.

“Put your head in my lap.” He said. I shot him a look, and he laughed. “Nothing sexual, just put your head in my lap.”

“What’s with the suit?” I said, looking up at him from his lap. He smiled, and that one dimple made my heart flip and then sink – he would never be mine.

“I had to interview someone at work today, the boss wanted me looking fancy. You don’t like it?”

“It’s alright.” I said, trying again to not give him too much information. The fact of the matter is, a man in a good suit is such a turn on, especially with his sleeves rolled up – something about muscular forearms just get me going. He start to work his fingers over my scalp, and instantly my eyes shut.

I felt myself start to fall asleep, and knew I couldn’t – I couldn’t just let him get off like that, not knowing why he sent the flowers, or why he was here. I opened my eyes and sat up.

“Thanks.” I said. “I feel better. So, um, the flowers… They’re nice, but…. Why?”

John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it all up in the front – the way that I loved.

“Last night when you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay and take care of you. I understand why you didn’t want me there, which is why I left, but it wasn’t easy. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, that I care about you and how you feel. I don’t know, I guess flowers were a stupid way to do it.”

“Not to sound redundant John, but if you want to show me you think about how I feel, being my boyfriend would be a good start.”

“I know Mel, and I want to do that for you, but I just… I can’t. And I know it sounds really cliché, but it’s not you. I love everything about you – you’re beautiful and you’re funny and you say things that surprise me all the time. It’s like every time we hang out I have a good time and I learn something new about you. You keep me on my toes.”

“But?” I asked, because I knew it was coming.

“I just got out of that relationship, and you haven’t even had a relationship yet. I don’t want to be a rebound for you. I don’t want your first relationship to be a rebound, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything serious again.”

“Then I guess we are where we are John.” I said, shrugging.

“Not necessarily… You told me you didn’t like you couldn’t get mad at me if I started messing around with someone else. What if I promise you that I won’t mess around with anyone else without telling you first?”

“Isn’t that basically a relationship John? Where you just break up with me when you don’t like me anymore?” I was getting annoyed, I felt we were just running in circles, and it hurt. If it was going to be done, I wanted it done so I could just get on with being alone. Which I realized sounded bitter and jaded, but in the past I could never understand how girls could just drag it on and on with a guy.

“Melanie…” He said, and then he looked away. “I’m trying, OK? I know it’s not what you deserve, and I know I’m asking a lot from you, and if you say no…. Well I’ll have to be OK with that. But I have to try, because I don’t want to lose you and I’m just trying to figure out a compromise for both of us.”

His words struck a chord with me. I know they shouldn’t have, because he was right, I did deserve more. But, the fact that he was trying…

“I can’t do this forever John.”

“I know.” He said. He pulled me to him. “Is this OK?” He asked, softly.

I laid my head on his chest, and nodded.

“I missed you.” He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head.

“It was one day!” I said, smiling up at him.

“I know. Crazy, huh?”

“Not really.” I said, snuggling closer. “I missed you too.”