Monday, December 22, 2014

Happy Holidays Y'all

I really did have every intention of coming back, and it was something that I was looking forward to. This year has been really such an insane whirlwind of WTF moments, but Jeremy and I seemed to be doing better and I figured what else could go wrong - I figured I'd be ending the year off well. I just needed to keep a positive attitude. And then I found out Jeremy cheated. We won't get into the details because it really doesn't matter, but it was multiple times, multiple people and has probably been going on for... Well, lets just say awhile. So I really didn't mean to come back and give false promises. It's just that he moved out and now I'm just. Juggling things and trying to figure it all out. I'm not feeling very positive. I'm not a lot of fun to be around right now. India Arie does a great cover of Don Henley's "Heart Of The Matter" and in it there's a line that says "There are people in your life who've come and gone/They've let you down, you know they've hurt your pride/better put it all behind you 'cause life goes on/you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside." The whole song is about Forgiveness - how life is complicated and hard and you need to move on and forgive. And that's too hard for me right now - I'm so angry and hurt. But I'll get there, because it'll do so much good for me. I'm just... Not there yet. I may be back some time - but I really can't give a date and I can't say yes or no and at this point I know there is no way I could promise any sort of consistent posting, and I don't want to bail on y'all yet again. I'm sorry. I hope y'all have a very happy holiday. Here's to kickin ass in 2015, cuz it's gotta be better than this, right? Thanks for everything y'all.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Sunshine Blues

First of all, you guys are so sweet, I really appreciate all the love and support!

To give you all a brief background on my summer (to sort of explain where I'm at right now) here it is:

It started in June, shortly after Cayden got out of school for the summer. I grew up with a girl named Shannon - we met in first grade, and we were good friends from then on. After high school we drifted apart. I always hoped to get back in touch with her, and I always thought we would, but Shannon was the type of person who had to be the one to reach out to you, and so I kept tabs on her through her Mom and sister. Anyway, end of June her Mom posts on facebook that Shannon was in the hospital. I didn't know what for, and didn't think it was my place to ask, but I did ask if she wanted visitors - her Mom said no, but she would let Shan know I asked about her. I didn't think anything was majorly wrong. I followed updates and that first week things seemed promising - her Mom posted that the meds seemed to be working and Shannon might get to go home.

Saturday morning I woke up to a message from her sister. Shannon is dying, Doctors have asked for people to come say their goodbyes. She knew I loved Shannon and she said Shannon loved me - so to please come. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement. I hadn't seen Shannon for ten years at this point, and now I'm supposed to go say goodbye to her?

I went, of course. Shannon was on life support. She was not conscious. Another friend from middle school was there, and we talked and shared memories of Shannon and stayed for a long time. We both went home promising to be back tomorrow - not knowing if there would be tomorrow.

Shannon held on almost another week. I went to see her every day, and I was there with her family when she passed - which was one of the hardest things I ever had to witness. We then went through the funeral and burial, where I was honored to be a pallbearer. There were a lot of complex feelings to deal with. Initially, I thought she might get better still - the second day I went and saw her she looked better. And then the day after that was a bad day - it was an emotional rollercoaster. I finally accepted a few days before her death that everyone was just waiting on the 'when' of death, and hers was coming a lot sooner than the rest of ours. I worried that she wouldn't want me there if she was awake (she probably wouldn't have - she would have hated anyone seeing her like that, but I was more afraid she wouldn't want me there because she didn't like me any more.) I was worried I didn't have a right to be so fucking sad over someone I hadn't seen in ten years. I was mad that this was how it ended. I was also upset due to the actions of some of the people we grew up with.

It still hurts. And it's odd to miss someone you haven't seen in ten years. It's not like I was used to seeing her daily, but just the thought that she's no longer in this world, that we'll never have a chance to reconnect - it hurts. And I still worry that people will think I'm being dramatic because I miss her, but... The thing about the people you grow up with is that they know you before you know yourself. The witness you growing, trying on new personalities, figuring things out. They often see you at your worst, your most raw. And that's important. Losing Shannon is losing a huge chunk on my childhood. Not to mention, she was a damn good person, and the world is a sadder place without her.

Shannon died of liver failure. There is some speculation on why - the hospital labeled her an alcoholic (when she was admitted, she was drunk.) Her Mom said that the drinking had just started recently - she was depressed because she had gone on disability due to a foot injury. I wonder if Shannon had been drinking longer - a lot of stories told about her from different people involved getting drunk with her. Her sister also said she was taking a lot of prescribed medicine. Shannon also ignored the signs that someone was wrong with her health and did not seek medical attention until it was too late. The last words she spoke to her Mom were "I know I did this to myself."

I don't tell you that last part to be dramatic, but because it's important to know that these things happen to young people. Shannon is three months older than me - I'll be 29 in January. She didn't make it to her 29th birthday. Please, be careful when drinking.

In July, my brother went crazy, again. It's really not worth detailing much, but I've been dealing with him and his issues for awhile now, and again my family wanted me to drop my life and get involved in his self created drama, and I just couldn't do it. I know a lot of people would probably judge me for this, and I judge myself a little too, but I just had my own shit going on, and I just... Couldn't. There's a zen saying that goes "Not my circus, not my monkeys." And that's how I felt about it. But still, I felt guilty about it and my Mom was hounding me to get me involved and it was a frustrating thing. My brother had also been pretty selfish and rude in the events leading up to this, and I ultimately felt it was just not healthy for me or my kids to be around. We still talk, I still see him, but his drama is his drama.

To add to the fun in July, Jeremy and I are having marital problems. It came to a head in July and divorce was (and still is being) seriously discussed. I don't know what we're doing, I suppose we'll figure it out, but it's just never fun to be in limbo.

I thought with all that happening, I was due for a break. I hadn't done much with the kids this summer so I thought, August. We'll get a ton of stuff done before we go back to school.

Then I ended up in the hospital for seven days. It started with a pain in my side - very acute, and googling I saw it was in the area of my spleen. I thought maybe it was a weird muscle cramp, but it hurt 3 days later and I felt weak, and now it was starting to hurt when I took deep breaths in, so I went into the ER. I sat in the ER forever, to be told that I had an enlarged spleen and something called a spleen infarction - blood flow had been cut off to a part of my spleen - that was the pain. They didn't know why blood flow had been cut off - they suspected a blood clot. They were admitting me to the observation floor - I'd be there one day, two days tops for some testing, and then I could go home.

My second night there a doctor came in at 1 am and said we're moving you floors, you shouldn't really be on this floor (it's an insurance thing, I guess the observation unit isn't technically being admitted, but if they keep you there for more than 2 days, you have to actually be admitted. I know, I don't get it either.) Long story short, they think I have a blood clot. They do a bajillion tests (including one that involved putting a tube down my throat) and draw a million vials of blood. End result: No blood clot was found. Must have just gone away. However, they did find a hole in my heart. Super common, we all have them when we're babies, and 1 in 4 people have them now. No big deal normally. However, IF I had a clot, it becomes dangerous. They have to plug the hole. So, surgery to do that. I finally get to go home.

I then start to realize that this whole summer has been shit, and I am just sad all the time. No motivation to do anything, short temper with my kids. I realize this has been going on for awhile but I've been dealing with stuff that I just haven't noticed. I go to the doctor for my follow up - she puts me on an anti depressant. It's working (thank Jesus) and I feel a million times better.

I've also been having another issue where my hands randomly go numb. They're doing some testing for that on Thursday. I'm telling you both those things because while I want to commit to picking the blog back up, I also don't want to disappoint you if health or depression issues arise. I'll always keep you guys in the loop if I can of course, but you know. Health comes first.

Lastly, Cayden's birthday is the 28th and his party is the 27th. I've got a lot of prep to do for that, so if I come back, it probably won't be until after - but I'll see what I can do before hand :-)

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

To be honest

Hey y'all,

When I decided to quit, I ran away. I didn't check comments, I didn't check emails. I shut it out. I did it because I was totally afraid that someone would say something nasty, and I'd feel guilty about leaving. To be honest, I would have deserved it - I've talked my fair share of shit about other bloggers. The thing is, writing can be fun - but it can be hard, and when real life creeps in... I obviously couldn't have been more wrong - you all were totally supportive and for that I'm grateful

I stumbled across a part of the blog saved on my computer last night and I re-read it and I missed it - and I found myself wondering what happened. I feel like I left Matt and Lanie in some sort of suspended time.

To be honest though, I'm going through some stuff. I had a bit of a rough summer and I'm having a hard time recovering from it. I'm a little bit afraid of taking something on that I'm honestly not sure I can finish. I want to finish this story, and I have an idea for another one, but. That fear of disappointing people (if there is even anyone left.)

So. I'll try. I'm not going to have a schedule, and I'm not making any promises, but I would like to try if y'all will let me.

As for the boys - they are good. Cayden is in FIRST grade (Crazy, right?) Eli is in preschool. Cayden turns SIX at the end of the month, and Eli will be four in November.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

I may be done. I have half a post written and then I got sick and have been on the couch the past few days. I don't know why in my right mind I thought I'd have more time once Cayden was out of school because while it means no pick up or drop off, it means all day with four kids. Quite frankly, I just don't have the drive any more to do it. I realize I'm letting people down, but frankly it's just not getting done.

Part of me wants to take another break until this winter, when I should have more time once Cayden is in kindergarten and Eli starts preschool. But I've taken breaks before and to be honest even after the break things haven't gotten better.

So basically all I can say is keep checking back but I'm not making any promises.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I am planning on coming back. Last week Cayden was home from school all week. He'd seem fine and then he'd randomly spike a really high fever and get all lethargic and grumpy. He had cold symptoms, including a nasty sounding cough so we took him in to make sure it wasn't bronchitus or anything. They said it was just a virus going around.

Friday he finally seemed to be feeling better. I regretted not sending him to school, in fact. Then right before bedtime he starts crying that his ear hurt. I kind of figured he just wanted to prolong bedtime, but still with all he had been going through, I did give him some medicine. I knew when he cried himself to sleep that he wasn't faking - but I figured we'd just get into the pedi the next morning.

He went to sleep, I finally got Eli to sleep. Then Cayden woke up crying again. Then I'd get Cayden to sleep and Eli would wake up crying. They switched off a couple of times and finally I decided that since we weren't going to sleep anyway, we might as well head to the ER (and honestly, Cayde was crying so hard and so loud at this point I was afraid his ear drum was going to burst or something - I didn't know if it could come on that quickly. His ears had been checked Monday at the doctor and he hadn't complained at all about them hurting until right before bed that night, but basically I didn't want to find out.) Jeremy was at work so I had to lug both boys down to children's hospital at midnight by myself.

The boys are fine now (though they both did have ear infections.) However, I'm pretty wiped (we got there at midnight, didn't get home till four am, and both boys were up at nine.)

I know you guys are understanding, I just didn't want you to worry. I'm hoping to get at least one if not two posts up this week, but Cayden's graduation is Friday and we also have friends coming in from out of town, so worst case scenario posting will resume next week and I'm hoping with the better weather, none of us will be sick for awhile.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Not really sure how to feel about it

"I kissed Matt." I blurted out to Sunny.

She had come into work that morning, back from her honeymoon, looking tan and in love. I had listened to her gush about how great the trip was, and then she dived into work, while I pretended to work and really freaked out over the fact that I knew I had to tell her everything that went on when she was gone and that she'd most likely be upset about most of it.

"You what?" She said, turning to me slowly in her office chair.

"I mean it wasn't a real kiss. It was just on his forehead. I...." I was speaking too quickly. I took a deep breath. "Let me start at the beginning."

I talked about how Steph had come into town, how we had fought. I told her about running into John at her house - which she cringed at - and then how Matt and I had fought and then how he skipped class and I busted in on him at his house.

"He was just laying there and he looked so cute and so..." I trailed off. "I mean I like him Sunny."

"Oh Lanie. This is not good at all. First of all, you should have called me!"

"You were on your honeymoon! I wasn't going to bust in all 'hey I have a problem!'"

"That's what friends are for, and it's not like you were dealing with a minor crises. You got hit pretty hard. Look, about Steph... I don't like her. You know this, and I'm not going to bad mouth her because she is still your family. But, I think she's jealous and that she wants to claim all the pain for herself and have people feel sorry for her. I'm not saying you should give up on her, but... I'm going to say this and you can't get mad, alright?" She looked at me seriously. I nodded.

"I think you chase relationships you know are unattainable. I mean you keep trying wit Steph, even though ever since your Uncle died she's always kept you at a distance. You fell for John even though the whole time he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship, and now you're moving on to Matt, who at the very least isn't going to hook up with you and then dump you, but he's been very clear on where he stands."

"I don't know. Maybe you're right. But there's also the fact that it's not like this place is booming with choices. Maybe I'm just falling for what's available."

"Have you talked at Matt at all since? I mean did you freak him out or how did he respond?" Sunny asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"He was sleeping, or so I thought. He woke up and smiled at me when I did it. But no, I haven't talked to him. Maybe he won't even remember? I don't know. I guess I should check on him. I told him I would. Should I call him or...."

"Text him. Keep it simple." Sunny said.

I picked up my phone. 'Hey. How ya feeling?' I typed. I hit send before I could change my mind, and then I threw my phone in my drawer.

"You always do that." Sunny said, laughing. "You know you'll get a text whether or not it's hidden, right?"

"I know, but this way I don't obsess over it."

"Hey... I am sorry, about not telling you John was watching the house. I didn't think you'd have a reason to go over there... I just felt sort of weird about it. I mean he screwed you over and I have the guy watching my place." Sunny examined an end piece of her hair, avoiding eye contact with me.

"It's fine." I said, waving her off. "Seriously. We're not in third grade and nobody has to pick sides. John was Noah's friend. I understand."

With that, we went back to work, and I didn't allow myself to check my phone until lunch. I finally caved at lunch and was relieved to see that I did have a blinking light.

Matt: I live! Going out for drinks tonight wanna come?

"He wants to meet for drinks!" I said, showing Sunny my phone. She frowned at it.

"Don't get too excited. That just means he either doesn't remember what happened, or he wasn't freaked out by it."

I shot her a look. "Thanks, Debbie Downer."

"I'm not trying to down you, I'm trying to ground you. I don't want you to get your hopes up and have them dashed to floor."

Matt and I made plans to meet up later, after work, and I used the rest of my lunch break to run home to make myself actually look presentable. Sunny rolled her eyes at me when I told her where I was going, but honestly even if I hadn't been crushing on Matt, I still probably would have made the mad dash home.

We arranged to meet at the same bar I had fought with Steph in. I arrived a few minutes before our scheduled meeting time and knew I'd be the first one to arrive. Normally I hated being the first and probably would have hung back in the car for a few more minutes, but I decided a drink to calm my nerves was exactly what I needed.

The place was more lively than the last time I had been, but not exactly crowded either. I scanned the bar for Matt - he's pretty hard to miss - and not seeing him, I sat down at a table. The waitress came by and took my order, and a few minutes later a guy approached my table.

"Hey... Are you waiting for Matt too?" I looked up, and it was his friend from the last time. My heart sank a little - this wasn't a single thing. But Matt did say he was going out for drinks so...

"Yeah, you too?" I said. "Sit down. Chris, right?"

He sat. "Yeah, Lanie?"

I nodded. "I owe you an apology - about last time. It's pretty embarassing. Normally I don't act like that."

He waved me off. "I have cousins too. And siblings. Family is complicated. You're supposed to love them all the time but sometimes you just want to shoot them."

I laughed. "Yeah. That's right."

The waitress came back at this point, bringing my drink and taking Chris' order. Just as she walked away, my phone buzzed.

Matt: Sorry, not feeling well again. Can't make it. I frowned.

"That was Matt. He cancelled."

"Oh well... Do you have anywhere to be? I mean, at least finish your drink wit me?" He asked, pointing to my full bottle.

I felt weird about it - I wasn't great with new people. But even though things with Chris had been weird the first time, he put me at ease. He took control of the conversation, which I appreciated, and he made me laugh. I also noticed what a nice smile he had, and soon one beer turned into two, and then three, and then I was sipping on some water and we were still talking.

"I better go." I said, glancing at my cell phone. "Mornings come early."

He nodded, and waved the waitress over. Despite my protests, he paid, and then he stood. "Let me walk you to your car."

We stood at y car, a little awkwardly.

"I have a confession to make." He said, looking down. "I asked Matt to set this up. I wanted to talk to you more and last time didn't end so well."

"Oh..." I said trailing off. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was flattering that someone would do something like that to talk to me, but I couldn't shake the disappointment I felt that Matt was trying to set me up with someone else.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked.

Again, I felt put on the spot. I'm sure some girls would have considered it romantic to ask for permission, but I just felt like I had to say yes. So I nodded, and he reached up to touch my face and lowered his lips to mine. I was surprised with how soft and warm his lips were.

He pulled away slowly. "I'll let you go. I'll call you, OK?"

I just nodded and then got into my car. I sat, watching him walk away, realizing that I never gave him my number. I was about to call him back to tell him that but then realized that he'd probably just get it from Matt.

I wondered if he'd tell Matt about the kiss.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

It was only just a dream?

I hadn't expected to fall asleep. I had felt wired before I laid down, so I had planned on making sure Matt was asleep and then extracting myself and heading home.

However, the next thing I realized, I was waking up. Matt was still asleep, an arm firmly around me. I studied his face for a minute - the flush of his cheeks, the way his eyelashes rested on his cheek, the slight bump in his nose, the fullness of his lips... I reached up and touched his face - I was telling myself I was checking for a fever, but I knew differently - and then I ran my hand through his hair. His eyes fluttered, and I snatched my hand back.

"Hello there." He said, his words full of sleep.

"Hey. I was getting ready to go. You feeling any better."

"Yeah." He said. And then he seemed to notice our closeness and pulled back a little. I took this as my cue to sit up. "You don't have to go. I mean it's late. You can just stay in my bed. I'll crash on the couch."

"No, I really should go. Work and such in the morning and it's Sunny's first day back and I don't want to be late." Was it me or was there a hint of disappointment on his face?

"OK. Well... I wanted to apologize for how I reacted to you and John. If you two are going to hook up or whatever, it's none of my business. I just don't want to see you get hurt. But you can make your own choices." Matt said. He wouldn't look at me, staring off instead at the TV.

I laughed - I couldn't help myself. "That's what that was about? Trust me, we aren't hooking up. After I left the bar I realized I had no place to stay. I figured I could use the spare key and stay at Sunny and Noah's for the night. I hadn't realized they had asked John to watch the place. I didn't call him, and if I knew he had been there, I would have gone some place else. We talked and then I left."

"You didn't stay with John?" He asked, looking confused.

"No. That would have been the last thing I needed that night. More drama. I went and slept in my office."

He laughed, and then started couging. I reached over and rubbed his back lightly. "Do you need some water?" I asked.

He shook his head. His coughing fit finished. "That must have sucked."

"It did. That whole night was a mess. How about you? Spend the night with Steph?"

Matt turned a little red.

"Ooooh." I teased, trying to hide my hurt feelings. "Someone did spend the night with someone."

"Not like that." Matt said. "I don't do that. She was upset. I was just... I jumped to conclusions with you and John, got angry with you, and left you for someone I had just met a few days prior. It's embarassing."

I shrugged. "That night was pretty... Intense. I was mad, but things happen. How was Steph?"

"It's obvious she cares a lot about you. She's just hurt by the whole situation. She feels like you think you loved her Dad more because you took over."

"I've never said anything of the sort." I said, feeling my defenses rise.

"I know. I think she knows that too. I think sometimes when people are in painful situations they look for someone to blame. Her Dad isn't here to blame anymore and so..."

"I don't think we'll ever get over it."

"Maybe." Matt said. "Anyway..." He trailed off.

"You should lay back down. You're looking pale again." I said.

"Nobody's ever taken care of me like this." Matt said as I covered him with a blanket.

"It's not a big deal." I said, going into the kitchen to grab him a cold gatorade. "I'll swing by after work and check on you. See how you're doing. Call me if you want me to bring anything."

Matt didn't answer, and as I walked back into the living room, I saw the reason - he was already passed out. I set the gatorade on the table next to him and studied his face for a minute. He looked so young, so peaceful, and I couldn't help myself, I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

Matt's eyes fluttered open, and my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, worried about what his reaction might be. He smiled, and his eyes closed again.

I left, hoping in the morning he wouldn't remember.