New post below. It sucks - and no, that's not a hint for compliments to tell me it's awesome. I wrote it on nyquil, so I can only hope that it makes sense. The Nyquil isn't totally to blame, I'm just at a point where I know where I want it to go, I just don't know how to get it there.
Post next week - I'm hoping Monday, but this cold just keeps getting worse, so we shall see.
Oh yeah, and someone asked about Cayden's eye appointment... He was referred to the eye doctor because the pedi noticed his pupils are two different sizes - which I've noticed before but I dunno, I just thought sometimes body parts are different sizes sometimes (it wasn't a HUGE difference.) I guess it's a sign of glaucoma, and she said she doubted it was it, but she wanted to have it looked at to be safe. He went in and at first they said that yes, they were two different sizes, but that it didn't mean anything (there's a big long name for it, but basically it's "they're two different sizes, it doesn't affect anything, and we don't know why it happens.) Then they dilated his eyes. She said his whole right eye is actually bigger than his left, and there are breaks in the cornea, which is usually due to trauma to the eye, or high pressure in the eye. The trauma can be a hit to the eye, or delivery by forceps, neither of which has happened to Cayden. However, they checked his eye pressure and it was fine. She said it was unlikely, but he could have had high pressure and it just fixed itself. She says it's more likely that he has issues regulating his eye pressure and they just caught him on a day where it's regulated. She's also worried that the vision in his right eye is a lot worse than in his left. The good news is that there's no damage to his optic nerve, the bad news is he has to wear eye patches for a couple of hours every day for four weeks over his left eye - they're trying to get him to rely on his right eye more to see if it strengthens his vision. We go back in four weeks to get retested and to also test his pressure again. I'm thinking she's worried it is glaucoma, which isn't great but at least it's better than I originally thought (I know nothing about glaucoma except old people get it, so I assumed he'd go blind.) I do need to send the pedi a thank you card though because I guess with glaucoma, 80% of cases in children are diagnosed by the time they're a year old, and it also said that older kids are usually not diagnosed until later stages because there are no real symptoms.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Christmas Stress
I was a little scared to tell Sunny that I was back with John – so I planned on ignoring it. Of course, Sunny and John both left the house at the same time the next morning. I didn’t realize this until I dragged my butt into work and Sunny was sitting at her desk.
“So. John stayed over?” She asked, not turning away from her computer screen to look at me.
“Uh huh.” I said, deciding less was more and to let her ask the questions.
But she only nodded, and said nothing more about it. I knew she wasn’t happy, but I also think she realized anything she said to me wouldn’t do any good – she was trying to avoid a fight, and I appreciated it.
Life went on. I was making connections with Matt’s kids, and I found myself actually looking forward to class night. Matt, however, had distanced himself from me a little. It was one of those weird situations where I didn’t feel like I could ask him about it – he wasn’t treating me meanly, it’s just we used to talk a lot more, and I used to ride with him to drop the kids off at night and then he stopped asking me and stopped talking to me so much.
It was pretty much a routine of hanging out with John, working, and getting ready for Christmas, which is what I was out currently doing. Shopping with Sunny, in one of our rare moments of time spent together outside of work. She had been with Noah a lot, planning the wedding that was only a couple months away, while I was spending all of my free time with John.
“What are you getting Noah for Christmas?” I asked, as we browsed the jewelry counter at Macy’s.
“A watch he’s been hinting at. I was also thinking… I don’t know, it’s kind of dumb.”
“What?” I asked, looking up from the watches I had been looking at.
“OK, don’t laugh, but I was thinking about getting some dirty-ish pictures taken for him.”
“…You don’t want me to take them, do you?” I asked.
“No! There’s a photography place that does them. It’s not like, porn, but just… Sexy pictures. I don’t know, it seems dumb, but we’re getting married and you know there will probably be kids. I want him to remember what I looked like when we first got married and I was young and hot.”
“I think that’s kind of sweet, actually. Though I’m sure Noah will always think you’re gorgeous.”
“Oh please Mel. I’m going to pop out the first kid and it’s all going to be downhill from there.”
“Whatever. Just don’t give him it in front of his parents.” I said, laughing.
“That’s what the watch is for, I’ll give him that in front of the family. Are you getting John anything?”
“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I asked, this was the first time Sunny had brought up John in awhile.
“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.” An awkward beat passed. “So, what are you getting him?”
“Dirty pictures. Think the place you’re going too will cut us a deal?” I joked.
“Ha ha.” She said, walking over to the purses. I followed, looking at a few wallets.
“I don’t know what to get him. I thought about a watch but he has a nice one that was like, his Grandpa’s or something. A tie seems lame and he never wears them. I don’t know Sun, help me out! I’m a girl whose never had a father, I have no idea what to buy for boys.”
“Well what do you buy Noah?”
“I get him a gift certificate. Same thing I get my brother – but that’s so impersonal and I want it to be special.”
“I mean, impersonal is OK. Isn’t that what you guys are?”
“What?” I asked, setting down the wallet I had been looking at for my Mom, and looking right at Sunny.
“I don’t mean that in a bad way, but I just figured this is what your situation was – impersonal. You know, no strings attached or whatever.” She said, flipping her hand as she said ‘whatever’.
“OK. I’ll ask someone else then.” I said, feeling my anger rise.
“Why? Melanie I’m not trying to be mean…”
“But you ARE being mean. I get it, you’re my friend, you love me, you’re concerned about me, and I appreciate that. But this is what I’m doing, and either you’re going to be supportive, or you and I just won’t talk about it.”
“OK then.” She said, biting her lip – a giveaway that she wanted to say more.
We left Macy’s, the wallet I was going to buy for my mother forgotten. I was irritated and Sunny wasn’t saying anything either, which meant she wasn’t happy with me either. I almost wondered if we should cut our visit short when she pulled me into a sports store to find something for her Dad.
It was in the back where I saw it – and I almost missed it. It was a Chicago Bulls leather jacket – and it was huge. The first thing that popped into my head was ‘Matt would love this, and it actually looks like it would fit him.’ I fingered the leather, wondering if it would be weird to get Matt a Christmas gift. I considered him a friend – at least I did before the weirdness – and I always get all my friends a gift. Would he think it was weird? It was kind of expensive, but I had the money (considering all I did was work, I never had the time to spend any money.)
“What’s that?” Sunny asked, glancing over from a case of autographed stuff.
“It’s a coat, I was thinking it’d be perfect for Matt.”
Sunny laughed. “You can’t figure out a gift for your boyfriend, brother, or best male friend, but Matt you can?”
“Is that weird?” I asked.
“I think it says something.” Sunny said, walking over to me to check out the coat.
“Says what?” I asked, confused.
“That maybe you know Matt better than those guys. I don’t know. It is a nice jacket, and oddly enough looks like it would fit him.”
“I know. But it’s expensive. I have the money but would it be weird to give it to him?”
“See if they have something less expensive in his size?” She asked.
“We don’t carry anything else in that size in stores. It’s actually an internet return.” A worker said, overhearing our conversation.
“It’s like it’s meant to be.” Sunny said.
“Yeah but again, would it be weird? I mean I don’t mind, he works so hard with those kids, he deserves something nice…”
“So tell him it’s from the group? I mean he’ll know they don’t have the money to pay for it, but still makes it a little less weird.”
“Good idea. I knew I kept you around for a reason.”
Sunny bought some signed something or other for her Dad, and I bought the coat for Matt. The rest of our shopping trip was weird – Sunny was trying, I could tell, suggesting gifts for John, and even asking if I wanted help picking out a cute outfit for our New Years Eve party - but I could also tell she didn’t mean it. I had asked her to be supportive, so I couldn’t get angry, but it was so fake I wished she would just shut up already.
I picked up a few more things, but eventually left the mall with nothing for John and only a few more days to find something. I was beginning to feel hopeless – like I should just give up and buy him a giftcard or something stupid. I wish I could ask Matt, maybe he would have some good ideas.
“So. John stayed over?” She asked, not turning away from her computer screen to look at me.
“Uh huh.” I said, deciding less was more and to let her ask the questions.
But she only nodded, and said nothing more about it. I knew she wasn’t happy, but I also think she realized anything she said to me wouldn’t do any good – she was trying to avoid a fight, and I appreciated it.
Life went on. I was making connections with Matt’s kids, and I found myself actually looking forward to class night. Matt, however, had distanced himself from me a little. It was one of those weird situations where I didn’t feel like I could ask him about it – he wasn’t treating me meanly, it’s just we used to talk a lot more, and I used to ride with him to drop the kids off at night and then he stopped asking me and stopped talking to me so much.
It was pretty much a routine of hanging out with John, working, and getting ready for Christmas, which is what I was out currently doing. Shopping with Sunny, in one of our rare moments of time spent together outside of work. She had been with Noah a lot, planning the wedding that was only a couple months away, while I was spending all of my free time with John.
“What are you getting Noah for Christmas?” I asked, as we browsed the jewelry counter at Macy’s.
“A watch he’s been hinting at. I was also thinking… I don’t know, it’s kind of dumb.”
“What?” I asked, looking up from the watches I had been looking at.
“OK, don’t laugh, but I was thinking about getting some dirty-ish pictures taken for him.”
“…You don’t want me to take them, do you?” I asked.
“No! There’s a photography place that does them. It’s not like, porn, but just… Sexy pictures. I don’t know, it seems dumb, but we’re getting married and you know there will probably be kids. I want him to remember what I looked like when we first got married and I was young and hot.”
“I think that’s kind of sweet, actually. Though I’m sure Noah will always think you’re gorgeous.”
“Oh please Mel. I’m going to pop out the first kid and it’s all going to be downhill from there.”
“Whatever. Just don’t give him it in front of his parents.” I said, laughing.
“That’s what the watch is for, I’ll give him that in front of the family. Are you getting John anything?”
“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I asked, this was the first time Sunny had brought up John in awhile.
“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.” An awkward beat passed. “So, what are you getting him?”
“Dirty pictures. Think the place you’re going too will cut us a deal?” I joked.
“Ha ha.” She said, walking over to the purses. I followed, looking at a few wallets.
“I don’t know what to get him. I thought about a watch but he has a nice one that was like, his Grandpa’s or something. A tie seems lame and he never wears them. I don’t know Sun, help me out! I’m a girl whose never had a father, I have no idea what to buy for boys.”
“Well what do you buy Noah?”
“I get him a gift certificate. Same thing I get my brother – but that’s so impersonal and I want it to be special.”
“I mean, impersonal is OK. Isn’t that what you guys are?”
“What?” I asked, setting down the wallet I had been looking at for my Mom, and looking right at Sunny.
“I don’t mean that in a bad way, but I just figured this is what your situation was – impersonal. You know, no strings attached or whatever.” She said, flipping her hand as she said ‘whatever’.
“OK. I’ll ask someone else then.” I said, feeling my anger rise.
“Why? Melanie I’m not trying to be mean…”
“But you ARE being mean. I get it, you’re my friend, you love me, you’re concerned about me, and I appreciate that. But this is what I’m doing, and either you’re going to be supportive, or you and I just won’t talk about it.”
“OK then.” She said, biting her lip – a giveaway that she wanted to say more.
We left Macy’s, the wallet I was going to buy for my mother forgotten. I was irritated and Sunny wasn’t saying anything either, which meant she wasn’t happy with me either. I almost wondered if we should cut our visit short when she pulled me into a sports store to find something for her Dad.
It was in the back where I saw it – and I almost missed it. It was a Chicago Bulls leather jacket – and it was huge. The first thing that popped into my head was ‘Matt would love this, and it actually looks like it would fit him.’ I fingered the leather, wondering if it would be weird to get Matt a Christmas gift. I considered him a friend – at least I did before the weirdness – and I always get all my friends a gift. Would he think it was weird? It was kind of expensive, but I had the money (considering all I did was work, I never had the time to spend any money.)
“What’s that?” Sunny asked, glancing over from a case of autographed stuff.
“It’s a coat, I was thinking it’d be perfect for Matt.”
Sunny laughed. “You can’t figure out a gift for your boyfriend, brother, or best male friend, but Matt you can?”
“Is that weird?” I asked.
“I think it says something.” Sunny said, walking over to me to check out the coat.
“Says what?” I asked, confused.
“That maybe you know Matt better than those guys. I don’t know. It is a nice jacket, and oddly enough looks like it would fit him.”
“I know. But it’s expensive. I have the money but would it be weird to give it to him?”
“See if they have something less expensive in his size?” She asked.
“We don’t carry anything else in that size in stores. It’s actually an internet return.” A worker said, overhearing our conversation.
“It’s like it’s meant to be.” Sunny said.
“Yeah but again, would it be weird? I mean I don’t mind, he works so hard with those kids, he deserves something nice…”
“So tell him it’s from the group? I mean he’ll know they don’t have the money to pay for it, but still makes it a little less weird.”
“Good idea. I knew I kept you around for a reason.”
Sunny bought some signed something or other for her Dad, and I bought the coat for Matt. The rest of our shopping trip was weird – Sunny was trying, I could tell, suggesting gifts for John, and even asking if I wanted help picking out a cute outfit for our New Years Eve party - but I could also tell she didn’t mean it. I had asked her to be supportive, so I couldn’t get angry, but it was so fake I wished she would just shut up already.
I picked up a few more things, but eventually left the mall with nothing for John and only a few more days to find something. I was beginning to feel hopeless – like I should just give up and buy him a giftcard or something stupid. I wish I could ask Matt, maybe he would have some good ideas.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Haven't forgotten about you guys. My laptop crapped out on me on Sunday or Monday. My keyboard randomly stopped working. It popped back on randomly yesterday (right after we bought a new keyboard for it to see if that would work, isn't that how it goes?) So I couldn't write until yesterday, which didn't help me much because I was in the doctors office in a snow storm with both boys who had matching ear infections. Today we spent the morning at an eye appointment for Cayden getting so not so great news, and the rest of the day with Jeremy's family celebrating Christmas with them. I know of course am developing another cold
Working on the post tomorrow (I would say tonight but I' taking my tired sick butt to bed) Hopefully it'll be up late tomorrow, at the latest Saturday. Just wanted to keep y'all updated.
How was your Christmas? Ours went pretty good - it was just really exhausting, but in a totally good way :-)
Working on the post tomorrow (I would say tonight but I' taking my tired sick butt to bed) Hopefully it'll be up late tomorrow, at the latest Saturday. Just wanted to keep y'all updated.
How was your Christmas? Ours went pretty good - it was just really exhausting, but in a totally good way :-)
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sorry it's a little late - we're in the "Oh shit it's almost Christmas" crunch here, so I had some stuff to do.
There will be a post next week, I cannot promise it will be on Monday. I have a lot to get done, and I'm volunteering at C's school on Thursday, so I'm just not sure if I'll have time to get it done before Monday - I'm hoping though :-)
There will be a post next week, I cannot promise it will be on Monday. I have a lot to get done, and I'm volunteering at C's school on Thursday, so I'm just not sure if I'll have time to get it done before Monday - I'm hoping though :-)
Shoulda said no
Matt left shortly after, telling me to call him when I felt better in order to go over plans for class. I knew he was giving me space to read the card and call John, but after he was gone, I flopped on my stomach and ignored the flowers. My head was aching, and I was a little ticked off.
Was it an apology? Did it matter if it was? Why flowers, why now? Maybe I was being irrational, but if it was an apology, it should have been done in person. Finally I sighed, got up, and took out the card.
It was a plain white card with “Get Well Soon” across the top. On the bottom was simply scrawled “John”.
“What the fuck?” I said out loud to myself, my voice cracking. I started to cough, and when I finally managed to stop, I turned it over to make sure there was nothing on the back. Nope.
Who does that? We had essentially broken up the day before, and now he sends me flowers? I appreciated the gesture, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but really isn’t a little much? I had never received flowers before in my life, and now I was getting them from a guy who didn’t want to be my boyfriend, all because I had a cough? I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I should, but finally I decided that I should say something, so I texted him.
Me: Got your flowers. Thanks.
I put my phone on the nightstand thinking it would be awhile before he answered, but almost immediately it buzzed on the nightstand.
John: You’re welcome. Feeling better?
Me: A little, but have a feeling it’s going to get worse.
John: I’m sorry. Can I stop by later and bring you anything? Soup?
Me: Sunny just had Noah drop off some soup.
John: Tylenol? Kleenex?
Me: I’ve got it all covered, but if you really want to stop by, go ahead. Be warned, I look like crap and you might get sick.
I thought that would deter him from coming, why would he want to get sick? But to my surprise he wrote:
John: I get off at five, I’ll head over.
I didn’t respond. He obviously wanted to come over, but why? Did he think I’d see him and just forget that he didn’t want to be with me, fall back into the same old pattern of things? That wasn’t going to happen.
I was starting to feel worse, so I took some more medicine, set an alarm, and snuggled back down into the covers. My alarm woke me a little while later, and I dragged my butt out of bed and in to the shower. I knew a cold shower would help bring down my fever, but I also didn’t want to look like total crap in front of John – at the very least I could smell nice. I changed back into a cute pair of pajamas, and picked up the crumpled tissues all over the bed. I had just fallen back in to bed when the knock came on the door.
“Come in!” I yelled, too tired to get out of bed. The yelling caused me to start coughing, and the lovely sight of me hacking up a lung is what John walked in on.
“You been to a doctor?” He asked, looking concerned. He was wearing a suit, and he looked good. He never wore a suit – usually a polo and jeans. He worked in an office but often had to go out to job sites and needed to be comfortable and also able to get dirty.
I shook my head. “It’s a cold John, it’s a bad one, but all the doctor is going to tell me is rest, and fluids.” And with that I took a long swing from the orange juice Sunny had left for me.
He stood there, at the door of my room, just watching me, and I began to feel shy. My head was also beginning to pound and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“Did you just come over to look at me and make sure I’m alive? Because I assure you that I am still alive.” I said, coughing again. I rubbed my head, trying to ease the pounding.
“Head hurt?” He asked. I nodded, and he crossed the room to my bed side, shrugging off his jacket and unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeves. “May I?” He asked, gesturing to the bed.
I eyed him suspiciously. “What do you want John?”
“I want to sit down right now, rub your head, and talk to you.”
I didn’t feel like I had the strength to argue with him, so again I nodded, and he slipped off his shoes and slid next to me on the bed.
“Put your head in my lap.” He said. I shot him a look, and he laughed. “Nothing sexual, just put your head in my lap.”
“What’s with the suit?” I said, looking up at him from his lap. He smiled, and that one dimple made my heart flip and then sink – he would never be mine.
“I had to interview someone at work today, the boss wanted me looking fancy. You don’t like it?”
“It’s alright.” I said, trying again to not give him too much information. The fact of the matter is, a man in a good suit is such a turn on, especially with his sleeves rolled up – something about muscular forearms just get me going. He start to work his fingers over my scalp, and instantly my eyes shut.
I felt myself start to fall asleep, and knew I couldn’t – I couldn’t just let him get off like that, not knowing why he sent the flowers, or why he was here. I opened my eyes and sat up.
“Thanks.” I said. “I feel better. So, um, the flowers… They’re nice, but…. Why?”
John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it all up in the front – the way that I loved.
“Last night when you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay and take care of you. I understand why you didn’t want me there, which is why I left, but it wasn’t easy. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, that I care about you and how you feel. I don’t know, I guess flowers were a stupid way to do it.”
“Not to sound redundant John, but if you want to show me you think about how I feel, being my boyfriend would be a good start.”
“I know Mel, and I want to do that for you, but I just… I can’t. And I know it sounds really cliché, but it’s not you. I love everything about you – you’re beautiful and you’re funny and you say things that surprise me all the time. It’s like every time we hang out I have a good time and I learn something new about you. You keep me on my toes.”
“But?” I asked, because I knew it was coming.
“I just got out of that relationship, and you haven’t even had a relationship yet. I don’t want to be a rebound for you. I don’t want your first relationship to be a rebound, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything serious again.”
“Then I guess we are where we are John.” I said, shrugging.
“Not necessarily… You told me you didn’t like you couldn’t get mad at me if I started messing around with someone else. What if I promise you that I won’t mess around with anyone else without telling you first?”
“Isn’t that basically a relationship John? Where you just break up with me when you don’t like me anymore?” I was getting annoyed, I felt we were just running in circles, and it hurt. If it was going to be done, I wanted it done so I could just get on with being alone. Which I realized sounded bitter and jaded, but in the past I could never understand how girls could just drag it on and on with a guy.
“Melanie…” He said, and then he looked away. “I’m trying, OK? I know it’s not what you deserve, and I know I’m asking a lot from you, and if you say no…. Well I’ll have to be OK with that. But I have to try, because I don’t want to lose you and I’m just trying to figure out a compromise for both of us.”
His words struck a chord with me. I know they shouldn’t have, because he was right, I did deserve more. But, the fact that he was trying…
“I can’t do this forever John.”
“I know.” He said. He pulled me to him. “Is this OK?” He asked, softly.
I laid my head on his chest, and nodded.
“I missed you.” He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head.
“It was one day!” I said, smiling up at him.
“I know. Crazy, huh?”
“Not really.” I said, snuggling closer. “I missed you too.”
Was it an apology? Did it matter if it was? Why flowers, why now? Maybe I was being irrational, but if it was an apology, it should have been done in person. Finally I sighed, got up, and took out the card.
It was a plain white card with “Get Well Soon” across the top. On the bottom was simply scrawled “John”.
“What the fuck?” I said out loud to myself, my voice cracking. I started to cough, and when I finally managed to stop, I turned it over to make sure there was nothing on the back. Nope.
Who does that? We had essentially broken up the day before, and now he sends me flowers? I appreciated the gesture, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but really isn’t a little much? I had never received flowers before in my life, and now I was getting them from a guy who didn’t want to be my boyfriend, all because I had a cough? I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I should, but finally I decided that I should say something, so I texted him.
Me: Got your flowers. Thanks.
I put my phone on the nightstand thinking it would be awhile before he answered, but almost immediately it buzzed on the nightstand.
John: You’re welcome. Feeling better?
Me: A little, but have a feeling it’s going to get worse.
John: I’m sorry. Can I stop by later and bring you anything? Soup?
Me: Sunny just had Noah drop off some soup.
John: Tylenol? Kleenex?
Me: I’ve got it all covered, but if you really want to stop by, go ahead. Be warned, I look like crap and you might get sick.
I thought that would deter him from coming, why would he want to get sick? But to my surprise he wrote:
John: I get off at five, I’ll head over.
I didn’t respond. He obviously wanted to come over, but why? Did he think I’d see him and just forget that he didn’t want to be with me, fall back into the same old pattern of things? That wasn’t going to happen.
I was starting to feel worse, so I took some more medicine, set an alarm, and snuggled back down into the covers. My alarm woke me a little while later, and I dragged my butt out of bed and in to the shower. I knew a cold shower would help bring down my fever, but I also didn’t want to look like total crap in front of John – at the very least I could smell nice. I changed back into a cute pair of pajamas, and picked up the crumpled tissues all over the bed. I had just fallen back in to bed when the knock came on the door.
“Come in!” I yelled, too tired to get out of bed. The yelling caused me to start coughing, and the lovely sight of me hacking up a lung is what John walked in on.
“You been to a doctor?” He asked, looking concerned. He was wearing a suit, and he looked good. He never wore a suit – usually a polo and jeans. He worked in an office but often had to go out to job sites and needed to be comfortable and also able to get dirty.
I shook my head. “It’s a cold John, it’s a bad one, but all the doctor is going to tell me is rest, and fluids.” And with that I took a long swing from the orange juice Sunny had left for me.
He stood there, at the door of my room, just watching me, and I began to feel shy. My head was also beginning to pound and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“Did you just come over to look at me and make sure I’m alive? Because I assure you that I am still alive.” I said, coughing again. I rubbed my head, trying to ease the pounding.
“Head hurt?” He asked. I nodded, and he crossed the room to my bed side, shrugging off his jacket and unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeves. “May I?” He asked, gesturing to the bed.
I eyed him suspiciously. “What do you want John?”
“I want to sit down right now, rub your head, and talk to you.”
I didn’t feel like I had the strength to argue with him, so again I nodded, and he slipped off his shoes and slid next to me on the bed.
“Put your head in my lap.” He said. I shot him a look, and he laughed. “Nothing sexual, just put your head in my lap.”
“What’s with the suit?” I said, looking up at him from his lap. He smiled, and that one dimple made my heart flip and then sink – he would never be mine.
“I had to interview someone at work today, the boss wanted me looking fancy. You don’t like it?”
“It’s alright.” I said, trying again to not give him too much information. The fact of the matter is, a man in a good suit is such a turn on, especially with his sleeves rolled up – something about muscular forearms just get me going. He start to work his fingers over my scalp, and instantly my eyes shut.
I felt myself start to fall asleep, and knew I couldn’t – I couldn’t just let him get off like that, not knowing why he sent the flowers, or why he was here. I opened my eyes and sat up.
“Thanks.” I said. “I feel better. So, um, the flowers… They’re nice, but…. Why?”
John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it all up in the front – the way that I loved.
“Last night when you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay and take care of you. I understand why you didn’t want me there, which is why I left, but it wasn’t easy. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, that I care about you and how you feel. I don’t know, I guess flowers were a stupid way to do it.”
“Not to sound redundant John, but if you want to show me you think about how I feel, being my boyfriend would be a good start.”
“I know Mel, and I want to do that for you, but I just… I can’t. And I know it sounds really cliché, but it’s not you. I love everything about you – you’re beautiful and you’re funny and you say things that surprise me all the time. It’s like every time we hang out I have a good time and I learn something new about you. You keep me on my toes.”
“But?” I asked, because I knew it was coming.
“I just got out of that relationship, and you haven’t even had a relationship yet. I don’t want to be a rebound for you. I don’t want your first relationship to be a rebound, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything serious again.”
“Then I guess we are where we are John.” I said, shrugging.
“Not necessarily… You told me you didn’t like you couldn’t get mad at me if I started messing around with someone else. What if I promise you that I won’t mess around with anyone else without telling you first?”
“Isn’t that basically a relationship John? Where you just break up with me when you don’t like me anymore?” I was getting annoyed, I felt we were just running in circles, and it hurt. If it was going to be done, I wanted it done so I could just get on with being alone. Which I realized sounded bitter and jaded, but in the past I could never understand how girls could just drag it on and on with a guy.
“Melanie…” He said, and then he looked away. “I’m trying, OK? I know it’s not what you deserve, and I know I’m asking a lot from you, and if you say no…. Well I’ll have to be OK with that. But I have to try, because I don’t want to lose you and I’m just trying to figure out a compromise for both of us.”
His words struck a chord with me. I know they shouldn’t have, because he was right, I did deserve more. But, the fact that he was trying…
“I can’t do this forever John.”
“I know.” He said. He pulled me to him. “Is this OK?” He asked, softly.
I laid my head on his chest, and nodded.
“I missed you.” He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head.
“It was one day!” I said, smiling up at him.
“I know. Crazy, huh?”
“Not really.” I said, snuggling closer. “I missed you too.”
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Excuse me while I word vomit
I'm sure most of you all know about Sandy Hook Elementary and what occurred there yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it - and therefore I've decided to come here, just to word vomit a little, because... I don't know, I'm hoping it might make me feel a little better.
Cayden started preschool this year, and it was hard to let him go. I know it's good for him, he's learning so very much, and he's having fun. I'm getting a little space, and that's good for me too, but I've been home with Cayden since the day he was born and the only people who have watched him have been close family - mainly my mother and my sister. I think I've left him once with a family friend. To walk in the morning of his first day and just leave him there with complete strangers was rough - I knew they had training, and I knew they were good at their job, but I am his mother, and nobody can take care of him like I can. I was worried about what would happen if he fell down and scraped his knee - I was not thinking about what would happen if someone went into his school and opened fire.
Yesterday when the details came out, I left home and went and got him. I wasn't worried about his safety - I just needed to see him, needed to hug and hold him. I couldn't stop thinking about those parents who dropped their kids off at school and would never pick them back up again. What were the last word they said to their child? Were they spoken in frustration and anger - perhaps they were running late and didn't have time for a goodbye kiss that morning? I think about all the times I'm short with my kids: Can I just go to the bathroom by myself for once?!? Can I just eat my dinner in peace?!? Can I just have five minutes to myself?!? Anyone who is a parent knows sometimes you just are frustrated and need space - and there's nothing wrong with that. But what happens when you ask for space and don't realize that something is about to happen to give you nothing but time away from your baby?
I don't want to be morbid and sad when everything is morbid and sad enough, but I just wanted to say that in that moment, I was so Goddamned grateful to have a child to argue with, a child who didn't listen to me, a child who is a shadow and follows me everywhere. For a messy house that never stays clean, for crumbs and spills, for sticky hands, for another late night followed by an early morning, for a voice that talks too much, too loud and asks way too many questions - for the tickles and the hugs and the kisses, for the cuddles, for the laughs and the smiles, the good and the bad, I was just so grateful for it all.
We didn't go home and watch the news. We went out to a park and I got on the ground and I played with my kids like I haven't played in awhile. I chased them and I kissed them, and I climbed with them and I swung them around. Then I got them ice cream and a movie and we went home again, not to watch the news, but to pile up on the sofa and be together.
I'm sorry this had to happen - and sorry doesn't really even begin to cover it, but I'm not sure what else to say except that I plan to suck up the only positive that I can out of this situation: My children are alive, and they are healthy, and I will kiss them over and over for all the parents who no longer can kiss their children. I will be more patient for them for the parents who no longer have a child to lose patience with. I will spend extra time with them, I will cuddle them longer, I will laugh with them more, I will listen to them more intently. I will remember not the gunman, but the teachers who did whatever they had to do in order to protect children that were not even "theirs". There was only one man doing evil, but so many others who stepped up and tried to stop him, protected those they could, some at the expense of their own lives and THAT should show us that while evil is in this world, the good still outweighs it. I will be kinder and more patient with people in general, because I don't know what they're going through right now, and their behavior towards me should not affect my behavior towards them. I will turn off the TV and spend more time with my kids instead, to try my damndest to raise children who will contribute to the good of this world.
I just had to word vomit a little. My heart breaks, over and over again, and I can't even imagine what it must feel like, but as selfish as it may sound, I'm so grateful that right now at least, I don't have too. I hope everyone out there is well, I hope your children and family are well.
Cayden started preschool this year, and it was hard to let him go. I know it's good for him, he's learning so very much, and he's having fun. I'm getting a little space, and that's good for me too, but I've been home with Cayden since the day he was born and the only people who have watched him have been close family - mainly my mother and my sister. I think I've left him once with a family friend. To walk in the morning of his first day and just leave him there with complete strangers was rough - I knew they had training, and I knew they were good at their job, but I am his mother, and nobody can take care of him like I can. I was worried about what would happen if he fell down and scraped his knee - I was not thinking about what would happen if someone went into his school and opened fire.
Yesterday when the details came out, I left home and went and got him. I wasn't worried about his safety - I just needed to see him, needed to hug and hold him. I couldn't stop thinking about those parents who dropped their kids off at school and would never pick them back up again. What were the last word they said to their child? Were they spoken in frustration and anger - perhaps they were running late and didn't have time for a goodbye kiss that morning? I think about all the times I'm short with my kids: Can I just go to the bathroom by myself for once?!? Can I just eat my dinner in peace?!? Can I just have five minutes to myself?!? Anyone who is a parent knows sometimes you just are frustrated and need space - and there's nothing wrong with that. But what happens when you ask for space and don't realize that something is about to happen to give you nothing but time away from your baby?
I don't want to be morbid and sad when everything is morbid and sad enough, but I just wanted to say that in that moment, I was so Goddamned grateful to have a child to argue with, a child who didn't listen to me, a child who is a shadow and follows me everywhere. For a messy house that never stays clean, for crumbs and spills, for sticky hands, for another late night followed by an early morning, for a voice that talks too much, too loud and asks way too many questions - for the tickles and the hugs and the kisses, for the cuddles, for the laughs and the smiles, the good and the bad, I was just so grateful for it all.
We didn't go home and watch the news. We went out to a park and I got on the ground and I played with my kids like I haven't played in awhile. I chased them and I kissed them, and I climbed with them and I swung them around. Then I got them ice cream and a movie and we went home again, not to watch the news, but to pile up on the sofa and be together.
I'm sorry this had to happen - and sorry doesn't really even begin to cover it, but I'm not sure what else to say except that I plan to suck up the only positive that I can out of this situation: My children are alive, and they are healthy, and I will kiss them over and over for all the parents who no longer can kiss their children. I will be more patient for them for the parents who no longer have a child to lose patience with. I will spend extra time with them, I will cuddle them longer, I will laugh with them more, I will listen to them more intently. I will remember not the gunman, but the teachers who did whatever they had to do in order to protect children that were not even "theirs". There was only one man doing evil, but so many others who stepped up and tried to stop him, protected those they could, some at the expense of their own lives and THAT should show us that while evil is in this world, the good still outweighs it. I will be kinder and more patient with people in general, because I don't know what they're going through right now, and their behavior towards me should not affect my behavior towards them. I will turn off the TV and spend more time with my kids instead, to try my damndest to raise children who will contribute to the good of this world.
I just had to word vomit a little. My heart breaks, over and over again, and I can't even imagine what it must feel like, but as selfish as it may sound, I'm so grateful that right now at least, I don't have too. I hope everyone out there is well, I hope your children and family are well.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
When it's over
I fell asleep not long after, but it was an uneasy sleep. When I get sick and have a fever, I often have just really off the wall dreams – and I feel like I’m still awake for some of them, like my eyes are just closed with a movie playing in my mind.
The first dream I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure who the baby’s father was, but I was it’s Mother. I was in the hospital bed waiting for them to bring me my baby – only when they brought it to me it was just a plastic baby doll. Everyone kept trying to get me to feed it and cuddle it, and they acted as if it was real so I tried too as well, but I knew the baby wasn’t right, and I just couldn’t enjoy it.
The next dream I was getting married – but I was alone except for the limo driver, shoved into the back of this limo in a poofy white dress. We couldn’t find the church, we just kept driving and driving and driving and couldn’t find it.
I had a few others that I can only remember bits and pieces of, but after every dream, I woke up, hot and uncomfortable. I was too weak to climb to where John had left the thermometer to see what my temperature was. I was miserable, and sad, and if I could have made it to my phone I might have given in and called John just to have someone take care of me.
Finally morning came, and Sunny knocked on my door.
“Mel? I saw John leave last night, is everything OK? You look like crap.”
“I feel like crap. Please Sunshine, Tylenol and water.” I croaked, and Sunny left the room and returned with ice cold water that felt like heaven on my throat.
“This isn’t all because of John, is it?” Sunny asked, looking me over.
“No. Not all of it. I’m pretty bummed, but mostly sick. Sunny, I don’t think I can manage work today.” I said, uttering words I hadn’t spoken since we took over the business. I had never called off – I had taken a few pre-arranged days off, but never called off, and I hated doing it even now, but the brief conversation I was having with Sunny was wearing me out. I also knew that today was black Friday, and we usually weren’t that busy – people went to the bigger cities to shop and either ate food out, or stayed at home and ate leftovers from Thanksgiving.
“Oh you really must not feel well. Are you sure this isn’t about John?”
“Take my temperature if you don’t believe me, I really am sick Sunny.”
Sunny felt my forehead with the back of her hand, then nodded and left the room. She returned a few minutes later.
“Stay in bed as much as you can. Here are tissues and Nyquil – try to sleep it off. I didn’t think you’d feel like eating, so I just brought you some crackers, but in this cooler is bottle water and a bottle of OJ with ice packs to keep it cold, try to drink. And call me if you need anything, even if it’s just some soup, OK?”
“Thanks Mom.” I said mockingly, but really I was grateful to Sunny.
She supervised me taking the Nyquil and then handed me the remote to my TV and left the room.
I turned the TV on and channel surfed for a few, settling on some trashy daytime TV. My mind was wandering, an every once in a while, a line that John had said would pop into my head and sucker punch me.
“You’re beautiful in the morning. You’re beautiful all the time.” I mumbled to myself. “What a crock of shit.”
I didn’t want to think about John anymore, so I closed my eyes and let the Nyquil do it’s thing. This time I had even weirder dreams, fueled by Nyquil, my fever, and the fact that I had fallen asleep to the sounds of Jerry Springer.
I was on Jerry with my plastic baby. We were trying to figure out who the plastic baby looked like in order to know who the father was. My choices were Maurice, Matt, Noah, or John. I never even said that I hadn’t slept with anyone but John – I don’t know why, and even I agreed that the baby had Noah’s nose.
Next thing I know, Mona’s on stage doing some sort of strip tease and saying she’s here to confess she a senior stripper to Maurice. I hear her heels pounding on the floor as she danced – but then started to realize the pounding was coming from the front door.
I was going to ignore it – I had no idea who would bust in on me in the middle of the day and I didn’t particularly care to find out. But then I realized that whoever it was, wasn’t going away and I really needed to pee so I was going to have to get up anyway.
“Don’t you have a key?” I asked when I opened the door to reveal Noah.
“I do, Sunny said not to use it.”
“Why?” I asked, shuffling back into my room, into my bathroom.
“She said you had a fever and maybe you’d be naked trying to bring it down or something.” He called through the closed door.
“Really? Sunny thinks of the strangest things.” I called back.
“Yeah well…” Noah said, unable to come up with a response.
“I was sleeping.” I said, once I had finished my business in the bathroom and crawled back into my bed.
“I figured. Mona made you soup when she heard you were sick. Sunny wanted me to bring it to you and check on you. She said you had better have drank some water.”
I nodded as I started chugging the bottle she had brought me that morning. “See? Drinking. Like a good girl.”
“So.” Noah said, as he sat down on the edge of my bed. “Are you really OK, with this whole John thing? Because…”
“Because what?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I don’t know.” He fiddled with my bed spread. “You’re both my friends, but you were my friend first, and what he did wasn’t cool so…”
“Don’t be mad at him Noah. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“He shouldn’t have brought that woman to thanksgiving Mel.”
I shook my head. “Rachel being there was not why we split. And in fact, we didn’t even split – we weren’t together. That’s why we had to stop doing whatever it was we were doing, I just couldn’t do it anymore. John didn’t do anything wrong, nobody had to be mad at anyone, nobody has to choose sides. John and I will continue to be friends. It’ll be OK.”
“He likes you Melanie. I know he does, I don’t understand why he’s being such a tool.”
I shrugged sadly. “I’m not going to force someone to be with me. If he changes his mind, I might still be around.”
Noah nodded, and then looked uncomfortable – we had been friends for a long time, but he had never had to deal with me and guy problems before. It was clear that he was out of his element.
“Well. Eat your soup before it gets cold. I’ll tell Sunny you’re drinking, and we’ll bring you some dinner when the shop closes.” He awkwardly patted my leg and then stood up.
“Thanks. For everything.” I said. He nodded, and then turned and left the room.
What I said to Noah was true – it wasn’t anyone’s fault what happened. But, I was still a little mad at John, and I was more sad than I would really admit. I wanted John to be here taking care of me. Which was stupid, because even if I hadn’t of unofficially dumped him he still would have had to be at work. Still, every time my phone buzzed with a text message, I had hoped it would be John checking in on me. Each time I was disappointed when I would look and see that it was just Sunny.
I tried to tell myself I was lucky to have Sunny – she cared about me an awful lot, and a lot of people didn’t even have that. I also had Noah, and the Mo’s – Mona did make me soup. I wanted to look on the positive side of things, because focusing on the fact that I didn’t have John seemed so stupid when I looked at all I did have. But I was still sad, and try as I might, I just couldn’t will that sadness away.
I ate my soup. I drank some more water and took some more medicine. I channel surfed and watched old re-runs of sitcoms I used to watch when I was a kid. If I laid still, I felt OK – my chest still ached, but my head didn’t pound like it did when I moved. I dozed on and off, when I woke to more knocking on the door.
“Use your key!” I called, expecting it to be Noah again, but the knocking continued so I dragged my butt out of bed. “Matt? What are you doing here?” I said, opening the door wider so he could come in.
“I swung by the shop to give you these papers for the class. Sunny said you weren’t feeling well, she persuaded me to stop by to drop them off and check on you.” He said, following me as I shuffled back to my bed.
“Sunny is convinced I’m dying. It’s just a bad cold mixed with some wallowing and self pitying.” I tried to smile to make it look like I was joking, but I think my smile came out more as a grimace.
“Things with John didn’t go so well last night?” He asked, plopping next to me on the bed and stretching his long legs out in front of him.
“No. We’re done. I guess I can’t really call it a breakup because we weren’t together, but I couldn’t handle being just a thing before. However now I’m sad and feel stupid.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s over.”
“Let me tell you something, Lanie. If it is over, you should count your blessings that you got out as soon as you did, therefore you’re relatively unscathed. However….” He trailed off, suddenly looking like he should say no more.
“However?” I questioned after a few moment of him not saying anything.
“It’s rarely ever over when you think it’s over.” He looked pained when he said this, and I wanted to ask him what he meant, but wasn’t sure if I should pry or not.
Then, as if on cue, there was yet another knock at the door.
“Can you get that? It’s probably Noah again, and one trip out of bed every four hours is about all I can manage right now.”
He nodded and stood. I heard some muffled talking at the door, and wondered who it was – if it was Noah, they would have both just come back in here. Unless they were discussing me – possibly how stupid and pathetic I was, and what they needed to do about it. Just as I was considering trying to muster the energy to get up and spy, I heard the front door closed and Matt walked back in, carrying an armful on beautiful flowers.
“See, kid? Never really over.”
The first dream I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure who the baby’s father was, but I was it’s Mother. I was in the hospital bed waiting for them to bring me my baby – only when they brought it to me it was just a plastic baby doll. Everyone kept trying to get me to feed it and cuddle it, and they acted as if it was real so I tried too as well, but I knew the baby wasn’t right, and I just couldn’t enjoy it.
The next dream I was getting married – but I was alone except for the limo driver, shoved into the back of this limo in a poofy white dress. We couldn’t find the church, we just kept driving and driving and driving and couldn’t find it.
I had a few others that I can only remember bits and pieces of, but after every dream, I woke up, hot and uncomfortable. I was too weak to climb to where John had left the thermometer to see what my temperature was. I was miserable, and sad, and if I could have made it to my phone I might have given in and called John just to have someone take care of me.
Finally morning came, and Sunny knocked on my door.
“Mel? I saw John leave last night, is everything OK? You look like crap.”
“I feel like crap. Please Sunshine, Tylenol and water.” I croaked, and Sunny left the room and returned with ice cold water that felt like heaven on my throat.
“This isn’t all because of John, is it?” Sunny asked, looking me over.
“No. Not all of it. I’m pretty bummed, but mostly sick. Sunny, I don’t think I can manage work today.” I said, uttering words I hadn’t spoken since we took over the business. I had never called off – I had taken a few pre-arranged days off, but never called off, and I hated doing it even now, but the brief conversation I was having with Sunny was wearing me out. I also knew that today was black Friday, and we usually weren’t that busy – people went to the bigger cities to shop and either ate food out, or stayed at home and ate leftovers from Thanksgiving.
“Oh you really must not feel well. Are you sure this isn’t about John?”
“Take my temperature if you don’t believe me, I really am sick Sunny.”
Sunny felt my forehead with the back of her hand, then nodded and left the room. She returned a few minutes later.
“Stay in bed as much as you can. Here are tissues and Nyquil – try to sleep it off. I didn’t think you’d feel like eating, so I just brought you some crackers, but in this cooler is bottle water and a bottle of OJ with ice packs to keep it cold, try to drink. And call me if you need anything, even if it’s just some soup, OK?”
“Thanks Mom.” I said mockingly, but really I was grateful to Sunny.
She supervised me taking the Nyquil and then handed me the remote to my TV and left the room.
I turned the TV on and channel surfed for a few, settling on some trashy daytime TV. My mind was wandering, an every once in a while, a line that John had said would pop into my head and sucker punch me.
“You’re beautiful in the morning. You’re beautiful all the time.” I mumbled to myself. “What a crock of shit.”
I didn’t want to think about John anymore, so I closed my eyes and let the Nyquil do it’s thing. This time I had even weirder dreams, fueled by Nyquil, my fever, and the fact that I had fallen asleep to the sounds of Jerry Springer.
I was on Jerry with my plastic baby. We were trying to figure out who the plastic baby looked like in order to know who the father was. My choices were Maurice, Matt, Noah, or John. I never even said that I hadn’t slept with anyone but John – I don’t know why, and even I agreed that the baby had Noah’s nose.
Next thing I know, Mona’s on stage doing some sort of strip tease and saying she’s here to confess she a senior stripper to Maurice. I hear her heels pounding on the floor as she danced – but then started to realize the pounding was coming from the front door.
I was going to ignore it – I had no idea who would bust in on me in the middle of the day and I didn’t particularly care to find out. But then I realized that whoever it was, wasn’t going away and I really needed to pee so I was going to have to get up anyway.
“Don’t you have a key?” I asked when I opened the door to reveal Noah.
“I do, Sunny said not to use it.”
“Why?” I asked, shuffling back into my room, into my bathroom.
“She said you had a fever and maybe you’d be naked trying to bring it down or something.” He called through the closed door.
“Really? Sunny thinks of the strangest things.” I called back.
“Yeah well…” Noah said, unable to come up with a response.
“I was sleeping.” I said, once I had finished my business in the bathroom and crawled back into my bed.
“I figured. Mona made you soup when she heard you were sick. Sunny wanted me to bring it to you and check on you. She said you had better have drank some water.”
I nodded as I started chugging the bottle she had brought me that morning. “See? Drinking. Like a good girl.”
“So.” Noah said, as he sat down on the edge of my bed. “Are you really OK, with this whole John thing? Because…”
“Because what?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I don’t know.” He fiddled with my bed spread. “You’re both my friends, but you were my friend first, and what he did wasn’t cool so…”
“Don’t be mad at him Noah. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“He shouldn’t have brought that woman to thanksgiving Mel.”
I shook my head. “Rachel being there was not why we split. And in fact, we didn’t even split – we weren’t together. That’s why we had to stop doing whatever it was we were doing, I just couldn’t do it anymore. John didn’t do anything wrong, nobody had to be mad at anyone, nobody has to choose sides. John and I will continue to be friends. It’ll be OK.”
“He likes you Melanie. I know he does, I don’t understand why he’s being such a tool.”
I shrugged sadly. “I’m not going to force someone to be with me. If he changes his mind, I might still be around.”
Noah nodded, and then looked uncomfortable – we had been friends for a long time, but he had never had to deal with me and guy problems before. It was clear that he was out of his element.
“Well. Eat your soup before it gets cold. I’ll tell Sunny you’re drinking, and we’ll bring you some dinner when the shop closes.” He awkwardly patted my leg and then stood up.
“Thanks. For everything.” I said. He nodded, and then turned and left the room.
What I said to Noah was true – it wasn’t anyone’s fault what happened. But, I was still a little mad at John, and I was more sad than I would really admit. I wanted John to be here taking care of me. Which was stupid, because even if I hadn’t of unofficially dumped him he still would have had to be at work. Still, every time my phone buzzed with a text message, I had hoped it would be John checking in on me. Each time I was disappointed when I would look and see that it was just Sunny.
I tried to tell myself I was lucky to have Sunny – she cared about me an awful lot, and a lot of people didn’t even have that. I also had Noah, and the Mo’s – Mona did make me soup. I wanted to look on the positive side of things, because focusing on the fact that I didn’t have John seemed so stupid when I looked at all I did have. But I was still sad, and try as I might, I just couldn’t will that sadness away.
I ate my soup. I drank some more water and took some more medicine. I channel surfed and watched old re-runs of sitcoms I used to watch when I was a kid. If I laid still, I felt OK – my chest still ached, but my head didn’t pound like it did when I moved. I dozed on and off, when I woke to more knocking on the door.
“Use your key!” I called, expecting it to be Noah again, but the knocking continued so I dragged my butt out of bed. “Matt? What are you doing here?” I said, opening the door wider so he could come in.
“I swung by the shop to give you these papers for the class. Sunny said you weren’t feeling well, she persuaded me to stop by to drop them off and check on you.” He said, following me as I shuffled back to my bed.
“Sunny is convinced I’m dying. It’s just a bad cold mixed with some wallowing and self pitying.” I tried to smile to make it look like I was joking, but I think my smile came out more as a grimace.
“Things with John didn’t go so well last night?” He asked, plopping next to me on the bed and stretching his long legs out in front of him.
“No. We’re done. I guess I can’t really call it a breakup because we weren’t together, but I couldn’t handle being just a thing before. However now I’m sad and feel stupid.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s over.”
“Let me tell you something, Lanie. If it is over, you should count your blessings that you got out as soon as you did, therefore you’re relatively unscathed. However….” He trailed off, suddenly looking like he should say no more.
“However?” I questioned after a few moment of him not saying anything.
“It’s rarely ever over when you think it’s over.” He looked pained when he said this, and I wanted to ask him what he meant, but wasn’t sure if I should pry or not.
Then, as if on cue, there was yet another knock at the door.
“Can you get that? It’s probably Noah again, and one trip out of bed every four hours is about all I can manage right now.”
He nodded and stood. I heard some muffled talking at the door, and wondered who it was – if it was Noah, they would have both just come back in here. Unless they were discussing me – possibly how stupid and pathetic I was, and what they needed to do about it. Just as I was considering trying to muster the energy to get up and spy, I heard the front door closed and Matt walked back in, carrying an armful on beautiful flowers.
“See, kid? Never really over.”
Friday, December 7, 2012
New post below
It's a little late - sorry, crazy week that ended with me having to bake a bunch of cookies for a party tonight and clean my house for guests coming in tomorrow.
I don't know when the next post will be - my internet is probably getting shut off on Sunday, and I don't know when it will be back on. We're strapped for cash (tis the season, huh?) Good news is my kids will have Christmas presents (my neighbors kids might not be so lucky and I'm trying to get either money together to help or at least give her some of the boys old toys to re-gift) and Jeremy got a new job that pays more and has bonuses and all that jazz. Downside to that is that because of the holidays and waiting for a background check to clear, he won't start until the 29th of December - BUT hey, new better paying job whoot!
I will keep writing and when I go to my Mom's I will try to post, it's just my laptop is literally falling apart (the tabs broke off so I have it duct taped, lol)
Sorry about the whole mess - there's not a ton I can do about it though. I hope you all have a fantastic holiday though :-)
I don't know when the next post will be - my internet is probably getting shut off on Sunday, and I don't know when it will be back on. We're strapped for cash (tis the season, huh?) Good news is my kids will have Christmas presents (my neighbors kids might not be so lucky and I'm trying to get either money together to help or at least give her some of the boys old toys to re-gift) and Jeremy got a new job that pays more and has bonuses and all that jazz. Downside to that is that because of the holidays and waiting for a background check to clear, he won't start until the 29th of December - BUT hey, new better paying job whoot!
I will keep writing and when I go to my Mom's I will try to post, it's just my laptop is literally falling apart (the tabs broke off so I have it duct taped, lol)
Sorry about the whole mess - there's not a ton I can do about it though. I hope you all have a fantastic holiday though :-)
You get what you need
Subtle Sunny dropped her plate which shattered when she saw John and the girl.
“Oh, shit.” She said.
“Melanie, where’s your broom? I’ll clean it up.” My Mom said, taking over as she usually did.
“I’ll get it, it’s fine. You sit down. Everyone this is John, a friend of ours, and his…. girlfriend?” I asked. I knew she wasn’t his girlfriend, but I couldn’t help getting putting him on the spot as I had felt.
“No, this is a co-worker of mine. Rachel.” John said, shooting me a look.
“I hope it’s alright I came – John said the more the merrier, but I didn’t want to crash anything.” Rachel spoke, putting an arm on John’s.
“Oh no, it’s totally fine. Plenty of food and all. C’mon Lanie, let’s go get that broom before anyone gets cut. Noah, why don’t you introduce everyone.” Sunny said, pulling me into our office.
“Who IS she?” Sunny burst out as soon as the office door closed behind us.
I shrugged, going for the utility closet. “You heard him, she’s a co-worker.” I said, my words clipped to keep from exploding.
“I don’t touch my co-workers like that.” Sunny said, following me into the closet.
“Thanks Sun, because I hadn’t noticed or anything.”
“Oh man, Mel, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”
“You know what? It’s fine. He and I… We aren’t, so I mean…” I trailed off, not being able to say what I felt.
“I hate to say it, but it’s time to cut this off Lanie, before you get hurt.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but realized I had nothing to say. Sunny had known me my whole life practically, and she wasn’t an idiot. She knew just as well as I did how jealous I was right now. I wanted to tell myself that even if John and I were official, there would still be other girls so I’d still have to deal with jealousy but I knew it wasn’t the same. He had no commitment to me now, he could do as he wished, and that’s what bothered me. I wasn’t OK with it and I couldn’t pretend like I was anymore.
I followed Sunny back out into the dining room and sat down next to Matt, watching Sunny clean up the broken plate so I didn’t have to look at John.
“You alright?” Matt asked quietly, so no one else could hear.
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I snapped. “Sorry. I’m just a little tired.”
Matt looked at me for a moment, and then nodded, saying nothing.
I tried to participate in the conversation – it’s been awhile since my family was in the same room together, but I just couldn’t focus. It seemed like any time I started too, I’d catch a glimpse of Rachel, who was either flirting with John or just a very touchy feely person – and either way I didn’t like it. Finally I stood.
“I’m sorry guys, I volunteered with Matt today really early and I’m just so tired, I think I’m going to bail.”
“I’ll go too, that way you can run me home.” Matt said, standing.
I gave hugs to my family, attempting to avoid John, but as I was turning to leave, he called my name. I sighed, and walked over to him.
“You sure you’re OK?” He asked, concern on his face.
My eyes slipped to Rachel and then back at him. “I’m fine, I’m just tired and I need to run Matt home.”
His eyes searched mine for a second, and I knew he was struggling with what to say. “Can I stop by later?” He sounded unsure – as if I’d say no.
It was the first time he’s ever really asked – every other time he’s just sort of told me when we’d have plans. Not in a demanding way, but not in a passive way either.
I shrugged. “You look pretty busy.” I said, resisting the urge to once again look over at Rachel, who I could feel watching us.
“Don’t be like that, she’s just a co-worker.”
“I’m not being like anything. You can text me, if I’m awake you can come over.”
“Fine.” He said, his jaw clenched in what I assume was anger or frustration.
I braced myself in the car, for either questions or a lecture from Matt, but he said nothing other than to give me directions to his apartment. I did see him open his mouth a few times, as if he wanted to say something, but each time he shook his head and closed it.
“Thanks.” He said, as I pulled up in front of his building. He started to get out, but then he turned. “And Melanie?”
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Good luck.” He said, and he shut the door before I could ask him for what.
I got home and I crawled into bed, feeling so miserable I wasn’t sure I could fall asleep, but I must have passed out because before I knew it, I was being shaken gently awake.
“Hey. You feel really warm.” John said, sinking down on the bed next to me. “I don’t feel so hot.” I said, starting to sit up and the feeling the room spin. I fell backwards, and then winced as my head started to pound.
He got up and left the room, coming back a few minutes later with a thermometer, a bottle of water, and some Tylenol. He took my temperature and then immediately handed me the water and the pills.
“Take these.” He said.
“What was it?” I asked, before popping the pills in to my mouth and taking a long sip of the cold water.
“103.3. Is this why you were so weird at dinner? You didn’t feel good?”
I swallowed, and closed my eyes, wondering how to answer that. I knew I needed to tell him, but I didn’t know if I was ready for the fight right now, feeling like I did.
“Mel?” He prompted, stretching out on the bed beside me.
“I can’t do this anymore John.”
“Do what?” He asked, propping his head up on his hand to look down on me.
“What we’re doing. I thought I was OK, but I’m not. Seeing you with Rachel….”
“She’s just a friend Melanie…” He interrupted.
“I know. But the fact is, if she wasn’t… It wouldn’t matter. I’d have no say in it, no reason to protest, I can’t tell you not too and I don’t want that. I want you John. Just you, that’s it, no one else. I told you when I’d had enough I would tell you, and I’ve had enough.”
He watched me for a moment, his eyes searching mine. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
“What I want you to say is that you’ll be with me. That’s what I want – but because you want to be. Not because I threatened you, or because I issued an ultimatum. If you don’t want too, I’ll understand, but I need it to stop now before I get too bitter and angry.”
“You surprise me Melanie… As always…”
“What do you mean?”
“I just mean it’s pretty gutsy to be honest like that. Most people aren’t. I’m not sure I can be…. I just. I don’t know if I’m ready or not.” He was toying with a piece of my hair as he said this, nervous, un sure. I took his hand and gently pushed it away.
“Then this is over. We can be friends, John, but that’s it.”
“Is this what you want?”
I shook my head. “I told you what I want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Anyway, you better go. Thanks for the Tylenol.” I said.
“Lanie…” John started.
“Goodnight John.” I said, rolling over.
I felt him rise from the bed, go to the door, and softly shut it. Once I was sure he was gone, I began to cry.
“Oh, shit.” She said.
“Melanie, where’s your broom? I’ll clean it up.” My Mom said, taking over as she usually did.
“I’ll get it, it’s fine. You sit down. Everyone this is John, a friend of ours, and his…. girlfriend?” I asked. I knew she wasn’t his girlfriend, but I couldn’t help getting putting him on the spot as I had felt.
“No, this is a co-worker of mine. Rachel.” John said, shooting me a look.
“I hope it’s alright I came – John said the more the merrier, but I didn’t want to crash anything.” Rachel spoke, putting an arm on John’s.
“Oh no, it’s totally fine. Plenty of food and all. C’mon Lanie, let’s go get that broom before anyone gets cut. Noah, why don’t you introduce everyone.” Sunny said, pulling me into our office.
“Who IS she?” Sunny burst out as soon as the office door closed behind us.
I shrugged, going for the utility closet. “You heard him, she’s a co-worker.” I said, my words clipped to keep from exploding.
“I don’t touch my co-workers like that.” Sunny said, following me into the closet.
“Thanks Sun, because I hadn’t noticed or anything.”
“Oh man, Mel, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”
“You know what? It’s fine. He and I… We aren’t, so I mean…” I trailed off, not being able to say what I felt.
“I hate to say it, but it’s time to cut this off Lanie, before you get hurt.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but realized I had nothing to say. Sunny had known me my whole life practically, and she wasn’t an idiot. She knew just as well as I did how jealous I was right now. I wanted to tell myself that even if John and I were official, there would still be other girls so I’d still have to deal with jealousy but I knew it wasn’t the same. He had no commitment to me now, he could do as he wished, and that’s what bothered me. I wasn’t OK with it and I couldn’t pretend like I was anymore.
I followed Sunny back out into the dining room and sat down next to Matt, watching Sunny clean up the broken plate so I didn’t have to look at John.
“You alright?” Matt asked quietly, so no one else could hear.
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I snapped. “Sorry. I’m just a little tired.”
Matt looked at me for a moment, and then nodded, saying nothing.
I tried to participate in the conversation – it’s been awhile since my family was in the same room together, but I just couldn’t focus. It seemed like any time I started too, I’d catch a glimpse of Rachel, who was either flirting with John or just a very touchy feely person – and either way I didn’t like it. Finally I stood.
“I’m sorry guys, I volunteered with Matt today really early and I’m just so tired, I think I’m going to bail.”
“I’ll go too, that way you can run me home.” Matt said, standing.
I gave hugs to my family, attempting to avoid John, but as I was turning to leave, he called my name. I sighed, and walked over to him.
“You sure you’re OK?” He asked, concern on his face.
My eyes slipped to Rachel and then back at him. “I’m fine, I’m just tired and I need to run Matt home.”
His eyes searched mine for a second, and I knew he was struggling with what to say. “Can I stop by later?” He sounded unsure – as if I’d say no.
It was the first time he’s ever really asked – every other time he’s just sort of told me when we’d have plans. Not in a demanding way, but not in a passive way either.
I shrugged. “You look pretty busy.” I said, resisting the urge to once again look over at Rachel, who I could feel watching us.
“Don’t be like that, she’s just a co-worker.”
“I’m not being like anything. You can text me, if I’m awake you can come over.”
“Fine.” He said, his jaw clenched in what I assume was anger or frustration.
I braced myself in the car, for either questions or a lecture from Matt, but he said nothing other than to give me directions to his apartment. I did see him open his mouth a few times, as if he wanted to say something, but each time he shook his head and closed it.
“Thanks.” He said, as I pulled up in front of his building. He started to get out, but then he turned. “And Melanie?”
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Good luck.” He said, and he shut the door before I could ask him for what.
I got home and I crawled into bed, feeling so miserable I wasn’t sure I could fall asleep, but I must have passed out because before I knew it, I was being shaken gently awake.
“Hey. You feel really warm.” John said, sinking down on the bed next to me. “I don’t feel so hot.” I said, starting to sit up and the feeling the room spin. I fell backwards, and then winced as my head started to pound.
He got up and left the room, coming back a few minutes later with a thermometer, a bottle of water, and some Tylenol. He took my temperature and then immediately handed me the water and the pills.
“Take these.” He said.
“What was it?” I asked, before popping the pills in to my mouth and taking a long sip of the cold water.
“103.3. Is this why you were so weird at dinner? You didn’t feel good?”
I swallowed, and closed my eyes, wondering how to answer that. I knew I needed to tell him, but I didn’t know if I was ready for the fight right now, feeling like I did.
“Mel?” He prompted, stretching out on the bed beside me.
“I can’t do this anymore John.”
“Do what?” He asked, propping his head up on his hand to look down on me.
“What we’re doing. I thought I was OK, but I’m not. Seeing you with Rachel….”
“She’s just a friend Melanie…” He interrupted.
“I know. But the fact is, if she wasn’t… It wouldn’t matter. I’d have no say in it, no reason to protest, I can’t tell you not too and I don’t want that. I want you John. Just you, that’s it, no one else. I told you when I’d had enough I would tell you, and I’ve had enough.”
He watched me for a moment, his eyes searching mine. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
“What I want you to say is that you’ll be with me. That’s what I want – but because you want to be. Not because I threatened you, or because I issued an ultimatum. If you don’t want too, I’ll understand, but I need it to stop now before I get too bitter and angry.”
“You surprise me Melanie… As always…”
“What do you mean?”
“I just mean it’s pretty gutsy to be honest like that. Most people aren’t. I’m not sure I can be…. I just. I don’t know if I’m ready or not.” He was toying with a piece of my hair as he said this, nervous, un sure. I took his hand and gently pushed it away.
“Then this is over. We can be friends, John, but that’s it.”
“Is this what you want?”
I shook my head. “I told you what I want, but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. Anyway, you better go. Thanks for the Tylenol.” I said.
“Lanie…” John started.
“Goodnight John.” I said, rolling over.
I felt him rise from the bed, go to the door, and softly shut it. Once I was sure he was gone, I began to cry.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Giving thanks for what exactly?
I was not looking forward to thanksgiving. And it wasn’t even the thought of being with my family that did it for me – for the most part we all behaved around each other, and it was a good time to catch up while stuffing ourselves silly. But this year, things just didn’t seem to be going my way.
We decided to do Thanksgiving at the Slice. Noah’s family would be there, along with Sunny’s, the Mo’s, and mine. It was the only space big enough to hold it in, and I was looking forward to seeing everyone. Until I found out what time I would be volunteering with Matt.
I thought I’d be doing a good thing, and he told me that they have their dinner early so that the volunteers still had time to spend with their families, which worked out for my early afternoon plans with my own family. What Matt neglected to tell me though, was that I had to be there at five AM to start to help prepping everything.
Once I agreed, I couldn’t really back off and say no, right? ‘Sorry, I can’t help feed people who have no place else to go, because I’d rather stay in my nice warm bed, thanks.’ But I still dreaded having to get up that early. I was not a morning person, and I knew if I didn’t get home in time to take a nap before my family’s dinner, I was going to be a bear.
I had also sort of assumed that was something John and I could do together. He couldn’t go home to Utah, so I naturally assumed we would be together. Even though I assumed, I still figured I better ask, so I turned to him one night while he was over watching some TV.
“I’m volunteering with Matt on Thanksgiving. Do you want to come with me? It’s crazy early but then I figured but then afterwards we could take a nap before we head to Slice to meet up with everyone.”
“I didn’t realize we were hanging out that day.” He said, not even bothering to look at me.
“Uh…” I faltered, caught off guard. “I just sort of assumed… I mean you aren’t going home…”
“I know, but my boss invited me to his house and I told him I’d go. You had your family so…”
“I know, but I mean…. Sunny will be there too, along with Noah so… The more the merrier.”
“Well I can try to swing by after, maybe.”
“No. I mean it’s fine. Whatever you can do.” I said, and turned my focus back to the TV.
My problem was that I looked at John like he was my boyfriend, and just assumed we’d be together. John viewed me as a friend – a friend he hooked up with, but just a friend. I couldn’t be mad, this was the arrangement I had agreed too, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore that voice in the back of my head that said I wanted more than this.
Needless to say, I woke up the morning of thanksgiving already grumpy. It was early, and I laid in bed trying to talk myself in to getting out of bed. John rolled over and pulled me closer.
“Don’t go yet.” He said, planting light kisses on the back of my neck.
“I have too…” I said, gasping when he gently bit down on my shoulder.
“I want to show you what I’m thankful for first…” he said, sliding his hand up under my shirt.
I rolled over, facing him, and he kissed me deeply.
“You….” He said, planting kissing down my jawline. “Are so beautiful first think in the morning.” He pulled back in order to pull my shirt over my head. “So very beautiful.” He said, his eyes running up my torso, his hands following after.
I felt my face turn red – I still wasn’t used to the compliments, nor was I used to being naked in front of a man. We still hadn’t gone all the way – I had backed off after my last embarrassing attempt, and John had taken the hint and hadn’t pushed too much.
“Let me…” He said, slipping his hand down between my legs.
“Please…” I whispered, embarrassed.
“Please what? Do you want me to stop?” He asked, pulling back.
“No… Please.” I said more urgently, pulling him to me. I hoped he got the message – I didn’t want to have to ask.
He did get the hint, and as he hovered over me, he looked me in the eye and asked “are you sure?”
I just nodded.
Needless to say, I was late, and Matt was not happy when I arrived.
“I said five Lanie!” Was how he greeted me when I found him in the kitchen. “I’m sorry Matt, I overslept.” I lied. What I really wanted to say is that he could stop barking at me when I was doing him a favor and helping him out, but I bit my tongue.
He rolled his eyes in response. “How are you at cutting vegetables?”
“I run a pizza restaurant Matt. I can cut some veggies.”
But it turns out, I couldn’t cut them to Matt’s specifications. He was being totally manic – running all over the place and barking out orders to everyone. He left me alone in peace with my celery for all of ten minutes before he was back.
“Not like that Lanie!” He said, exasperated. He stood behind me and put his arms around me, holding my hand over the knife. “Like this.” He said, as he began to chop.
The feeling of his body against mine reminded me of how John’s felt against me this morning, and I closed my eyes for a moment, suddenly woozy.
And that was the moment I sliced down and Matt yelled out in pain. I opened my eyes and spun around to see Matt holding a finger that was gushing blood.
“Oh crap! I’m so sorry!” I yelled, and then I sprang into action.
Working in a kitchen meant I had dealt with my fair share of injuries, and I could handle cuts and burns. I grabbed a towel off the workstation and wrapped it around his finger. It quickly filled up with blood.
“Don’t remove the towel, we want to try to clot it.” I said, applying pressure. A few of the other volunteers had stopped what they were doing and moved in closer to try to help, one of them handing me another towel to wrap over the one that was now soaked in blood..
“Don’t. I’m fine, everyone go back to work.” Matt said. “We need to have dinner ready.”
“Matt, I think you’re going to have to go to the hospital.” I said calmly.
“I can’t leave Lanie, dinner….”
“You’re going to be of no use to us here, bleeding all over the place. Go on and get fixed up, we can manage.” An older lady said. Matt opened his mouth to argue, but before he could get a word out, she turned to me. “Can you take him?”
I nodded and took his arm. “C’mon, let’s go.”
I figured the emergency room would be empty, it being so early, but no – it was apparently the place to be on Thanksgiving. People with burns, or who were holding what I assumed was a ‘vomit bucket’, as well as people who looked fine but probably just wanted somewhere to be. I thought Matt’s injury was serious enough to get us called back right away, but by the time the triage nurse called us back, the bleeding had slowed and Matt’s vitals were fine, so we were sent back out into the waiting room.
“I’m sorry, for cutting your finger.” I said, as we sat back down.
“It was my fault, if I hadn’t of been so anal… This dinner is just my thing, you know? When I first arrived here, they served a dinner, but it was so bad that they couldn’t even get homeless people to show up. I mean we had literally four people show up, and I don’t even know if they ate of if they just sat around for the company. So, the next year I took over, and I changed our menu around, and we’ve been steadily getting more and more people. But, I get so wrapped up in it, because it’s sort of MY thing, and now it looks like I’m going to miss the whole deal.” He said, looking down at his hand.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think Matt was trying to make me feel bad, but I did feel even worse. We sat in silence for a while, until finally his name was called.
“You don’t have to stick around, if you have someplace to be…” He said as he stood.
“No, I mean… How else are you going to get back?” I said, and I stood and followed him back to his room.
Where we waited even longer for a doctor to come back, look at his wound, and say what I already knew – Matt needed stitches. The doctor then left the room for another hour (apparently he was making the needle and thread himself) All in all, the actual stitching took about ten minutes, but we had spent about four hours in the ER.
After we left, we got back just in time to help start serving. The line seemed to be endless, and it felt both good and bad – I was happy to be there, happy that people had a place to go, but it is really hard seeing such little kids and knowing that this is it for them.
When we were done, Matt and I both tried to stay to help clean up, but the woman who insisted I take Matt to the hospital shooed us both away.
“You cannot get that finger all gunky. Sweetheart, take him home.”
As we walked out to our cars, I turned to Matt.
“We’re having dinner at the restaurant. You’re welcome to come… I mean unless you have something to do.”
“No, I’ve got nothing – my family postpones our dinner until the weekend. But, I don’t want to interrupt anything.”
“You won’t. It’s a whole bunch of people, so, the more the merrier. If you want to ride with me, I can run you home later.”
I wasn’t sure why I had invited Matt – I hadn’t really thought it through. I did still feel guilty about his finger, and I had sort of assumed he’d say no that he had family things to do.
When I walked into Slice, everyone was already there, setting up and cooking. I said hello to my Mom and siblings, and introduced Matt around to everyone. We were just sitting down to dinner when the door open – and in walked John, with the same woman who had given him a ride home the day he stood me up.
We decided to do Thanksgiving at the Slice. Noah’s family would be there, along with Sunny’s, the Mo’s, and mine. It was the only space big enough to hold it in, and I was looking forward to seeing everyone. Until I found out what time I would be volunteering with Matt.
I thought I’d be doing a good thing, and he told me that they have their dinner early so that the volunteers still had time to spend with their families, which worked out for my early afternoon plans with my own family. What Matt neglected to tell me though, was that I had to be there at five AM to start to help prepping everything.
Once I agreed, I couldn’t really back off and say no, right? ‘Sorry, I can’t help feed people who have no place else to go, because I’d rather stay in my nice warm bed, thanks.’ But I still dreaded having to get up that early. I was not a morning person, and I knew if I didn’t get home in time to take a nap before my family’s dinner, I was going to be a bear.
I had also sort of assumed that was something John and I could do together. He couldn’t go home to Utah, so I naturally assumed we would be together. Even though I assumed, I still figured I better ask, so I turned to him one night while he was over watching some TV.
“I’m volunteering with Matt on Thanksgiving. Do you want to come with me? It’s crazy early but then I figured but then afterwards we could take a nap before we head to Slice to meet up with everyone.”
“I didn’t realize we were hanging out that day.” He said, not even bothering to look at me.
“Uh…” I faltered, caught off guard. “I just sort of assumed… I mean you aren’t going home…”
“I know, but my boss invited me to his house and I told him I’d go. You had your family so…”
“I know, but I mean…. Sunny will be there too, along with Noah so… The more the merrier.”
“Well I can try to swing by after, maybe.”
“No. I mean it’s fine. Whatever you can do.” I said, and turned my focus back to the TV.
My problem was that I looked at John like he was my boyfriend, and just assumed we’d be together. John viewed me as a friend – a friend he hooked up with, but just a friend. I couldn’t be mad, this was the arrangement I had agreed too, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore that voice in the back of my head that said I wanted more than this.
Needless to say, I woke up the morning of thanksgiving already grumpy. It was early, and I laid in bed trying to talk myself in to getting out of bed. John rolled over and pulled me closer.
“Don’t go yet.” He said, planting light kisses on the back of my neck.
“I have too…” I said, gasping when he gently bit down on my shoulder.
“I want to show you what I’m thankful for first…” he said, sliding his hand up under my shirt.
I rolled over, facing him, and he kissed me deeply.
“You….” He said, planting kissing down my jawline. “Are so beautiful first think in the morning.” He pulled back in order to pull my shirt over my head. “So very beautiful.” He said, his eyes running up my torso, his hands following after.
I felt my face turn red – I still wasn’t used to the compliments, nor was I used to being naked in front of a man. We still hadn’t gone all the way – I had backed off after my last embarrassing attempt, and John had taken the hint and hadn’t pushed too much.
“Let me…” He said, slipping his hand down between my legs.
“Please…” I whispered, embarrassed.
“Please what? Do you want me to stop?” He asked, pulling back.
“No… Please.” I said more urgently, pulling him to me. I hoped he got the message – I didn’t want to have to ask.
He did get the hint, and as he hovered over me, he looked me in the eye and asked “are you sure?”
I just nodded.
Needless to say, I was late, and Matt was not happy when I arrived.
“I said five Lanie!” Was how he greeted me when I found him in the kitchen. “I’m sorry Matt, I overslept.” I lied. What I really wanted to say is that he could stop barking at me when I was doing him a favor and helping him out, but I bit my tongue.
He rolled his eyes in response. “How are you at cutting vegetables?”
“I run a pizza restaurant Matt. I can cut some veggies.”
But it turns out, I couldn’t cut them to Matt’s specifications. He was being totally manic – running all over the place and barking out orders to everyone. He left me alone in peace with my celery for all of ten minutes before he was back.
“Not like that Lanie!” He said, exasperated. He stood behind me and put his arms around me, holding my hand over the knife. “Like this.” He said, as he began to chop.
The feeling of his body against mine reminded me of how John’s felt against me this morning, and I closed my eyes for a moment, suddenly woozy.
And that was the moment I sliced down and Matt yelled out in pain. I opened my eyes and spun around to see Matt holding a finger that was gushing blood.
“Oh crap! I’m so sorry!” I yelled, and then I sprang into action.
Working in a kitchen meant I had dealt with my fair share of injuries, and I could handle cuts and burns. I grabbed a towel off the workstation and wrapped it around his finger. It quickly filled up with blood.
“Don’t remove the towel, we want to try to clot it.” I said, applying pressure. A few of the other volunteers had stopped what they were doing and moved in closer to try to help, one of them handing me another towel to wrap over the one that was now soaked in blood..
“Don’t. I’m fine, everyone go back to work.” Matt said. “We need to have dinner ready.”
“Matt, I think you’re going to have to go to the hospital.” I said calmly.
“I can’t leave Lanie, dinner….”
“You’re going to be of no use to us here, bleeding all over the place. Go on and get fixed up, we can manage.” An older lady said. Matt opened his mouth to argue, but before he could get a word out, she turned to me. “Can you take him?”
I nodded and took his arm. “C’mon, let’s go.”
I figured the emergency room would be empty, it being so early, but no – it was apparently the place to be on Thanksgiving. People with burns, or who were holding what I assumed was a ‘vomit bucket’, as well as people who looked fine but probably just wanted somewhere to be. I thought Matt’s injury was serious enough to get us called back right away, but by the time the triage nurse called us back, the bleeding had slowed and Matt’s vitals were fine, so we were sent back out into the waiting room.
“I’m sorry, for cutting your finger.” I said, as we sat back down.
“It was my fault, if I hadn’t of been so anal… This dinner is just my thing, you know? When I first arrived here, they served a dinner, but it was so bad that they couldn’t even get homeless people to show up. I mean we had literally four people show up, and I don’t even know if they ate of if they just sat around for the company. So, the next year I took over, and I changed our menu around, and we’ve been steadily getting more and more people. But, I get so wrapped up in it, because it’s sort of MY thing, and now it looks like I’m going to miss the whole deal.” He said, looking down at his hand.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think Matt was trying to make me feel bad, but I did feel even worse. We sat in silence for a while, until finally his name was called.
“You don’t have to stick around, if you have someplace to be…” He said as he stood.
“No, I mean… How else are you going to get back?” I said, and I stood and followed him back to his room.
Where we waited even longer for a doctor to come back, look at his wound, and say what I already knew – Matt needed stitches. The doctor then left the room for another hour (apparently he was making the needle and thread himself) All in all, the actual stitching took about ten minutes, but we had spent about four hours in the ER.
After we left, we got back just in time to help start serving. The line seemed to be endless, and it felt both good and bad – I was happy to be there, happy that people had a place to go, but it is really hard seeing such little kids and knowing that this is it for them.
When we were done, Matt and I both tried to stay to help clean up, but the woman who insisted I take Matt to the hospital shooed us both away.
“You cannot get that finger all gunky. Sweetheart, take him home.”
As we walked out to our cars, I turned to Matt.
“We’re having dinner at the restaurant. You’re welcome to come… I mean unless you have something to do.”
“No, I’ve got nothing – my family postpones our dinner until the weekend. But, I don’t want to interrupt anything.”
“You won’t. It’s a whole bunch of people, so, the more the merrier. If you want to ride with me, I can run you home later.”
I wasn’t sure why I had invited Matt – I hadn’t really thought it through. I did still feel guilty about his finger, and I had sort of assumed he’d say no that he had family things to do.
When I walked into Slice, everyone was already there, setting up and cooking. I said hello to my Mom and siblings, and introduced Matt around to everyone. We were just sitting down to dinner when the door open – and in walked John, with the same woman who had given him a ride home the day he stood me up.
Alright, the post is done (and actually has been done since around Tuesday) but I just... I don't like it. It's all over the place and not very good - and that's why I haven't posted it. I kept hoping I could re-write it, but either it was crazy OR I didn't know HOW to fix it. BUT, I had an idea come to me last night, so I think I'm going to re-write it.
So, it'll be up by Monday (I'm actually hoping tomorrow, but my kids are on too much birthday meltdown, and Jer had three days off of work - he took Thursday and Saturday are his normal days off and he took a vacation day Friday for Eli's birthday - and tomorrow is his first day back so I'm not sure how they'll handle that) and then since I missed last week, I plan to post a second post by Friday.
I'd like to pick up the paces of writing, I feel like the story is moving super slowly, but I just need to get a schedule down that works for us.
So, it'll be up by Monday (I'm actually hoping tomorrow, but my kids are on too much birthday meltdown, and Jer had three days off of work - he took Thursday and Saturday are his normal days off and he took a vacation day Friday for Eli's birthday - and tomorrow is his first day back so I'm not sure how they'll handle that) and then since I missed last week, I plan to post a second post by Friday.
I'd like to pick up the paces of writing, I feel like the story is moving super slowly, but I just need to get a schedule down that works for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)