Living it Right

John threw up his heads – almost in a defense like pose. “Of COURSE I’m here – I’m housesitting while Noah and Sunny are on their honeymoon.”

My anger turned to embarrassment. I was ready to chew him out – maybe even acuse him of stalking me just to taunt me. But I now remember asking Sunny if she needed me to swing by the house to pick up their mail or anything, and she had said no. I had for some reason assumed that a neighbor had volunteered.

“They’re painting my apartment. So I offered to stay. If you’re pissed about them not asking you, I’m sure they would have had I not offered.”

“No. I don’t care. I just… Wanted to swing by and check on the house. It’s fine, obviously, so I’ll just go.”

“Lanie…”

“What?” I snapped.

“C’mon. It’s clear that’s not the only reason you came here. You’re obviously upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

“To you?” I asked, incredulously.

“Oh. It’s about me, huh? I guess that might be weird.”

“You are a real piece of work John. Believe it or not my life was fine before you, and it’ll be fine after you. All you did was break my heart, you didn’t break me. Not everything is about you.” I went to shut my door but John grabbed it quickly.

“You’re right, Lanie. I shouldn’t have assumed, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for assuming, and I’m sorry for treating you the way I did. You deserve far better than me, and I think I knew that and instead of trying my best to keep you, I pushed you away. It’s not an excuse, you don’t have to forgive me, but it’s a reason and an apology. And if you want to talk about whatever is upsetting you, I am here for you. If you want to just stay here, I can go away. You tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

I looked up at him, trying to read his face. John had been a lot of things, but he had never been so raw in front of me before. I hated him a little for it – for making me feel sorry for him when he was the one who hurt me. But I had nowhere else to go, and no one else to talk too. I got out of the car and walked to the porch, running my hand over the porch railing.

“I was here when Sunny first saw this house. Noah found it. I don’t know if you ever saw it before Noah did all the work on it….” I turned to look at John, who was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands in his pocket, looking unsure. He shook his head. “Well. This house was a piece of crap.” I said, laughing slightly. “Sunny hated it, I could tell. But, we could both tell how much Noah loved it, so she tried to hide it. He thought he had such a find – I mean the neighborhood is great. Quiet. But the house… Some older lady refused to leave it after her husband died and she just couldn’t care for it. It needed painting, the front yard was OK because neighbors helped her care for it, but the back yard was a jungle, there was wood rotting and it seemed like everything needed replaced… But Noah loved it.” I paused, to look out over the street, enjoying the cool night air. “The first thing he fixed up was this porch. Sunny was pissed – so many other rooms he could have worked on, but he picked the porch, which really wasn’t important. But he said it was. He wanted to be able to sit out here and enjoy the night with a beer after he had finished working on the house. I helped him paint these rails.” I said, running my hand over them again. “I was here when he hung up that swing.” I walked over to it, and sat. John continued to eye me carefully. “You can sit next to me John. I’m mad, but I’m not violent.”

He quietly climbed the steps sitting down next to me. It was painfully obvious that he was making it a point to leave space between us. I knew he was doing it to be respectful, but it did sting a little bit.

“So. Are we talking about what that driveway episode was about?” He asked. I cringed.

“That wasn’t pretty, was it?” I sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t want to say life’s a mess because that sounds so dramatic, and I don’t think it is that dramatic of a situation. It’s more like… I don’t know where to go from here. I feel stuck.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know… I mean I’m happy for Sunny and Noah – don’t get me wrong, but I’m jealous. Even though Noah’s pretty much always been around, it’s been me and Sunny, and now it’s not anymore. Them getting married took away my partner, and it made me realize that I don’t have anything like that. And a lot of people can say that, I’m still young… But then I wonder, what do I have?”

“What are you talking about? You have a business that’s doing pretty well. There’s a lot of people who would kill for that, Lanie.” John interjected.

I nodded. “I do. But I didn’t choose it – this wasn’t what my life was supposed to be. I never planned on being stuck in the town I grew up in, in a business that isn’t really mine, surrounded by family I never really talk too. I had some good friends, yes – like Sunny and Noah, but even they’re moving on with their lives. And here I am. Stuck. And then you know, my cousin sweeps into town and even though she hasn’t been here for who knows how long, she claims everything. The shop is HER Pop’s – even though she didn’t give up anything to help save it. She criticizes everything I do, and she claims all the memories and acts like it’s only hard for her. Like I didn’t know him, like I didn’t love him, like he didn’t hurt me too.” I was speaking faster now, my voice rising, and I could feel the hot tears building all over again. I took a shaky breath to calm myself down. “She accused me of being a martyr.” I laughed. “Maybe I am. I gave up my whole life for something that meant a lot to someone who meant a lot to me. Maybe she’s jealous that I could do that for him when she couldn’t? I don’t know. I don’t blame her for walking away. But if I’m a martyr, I must be the crappiest martyr ever. She’s never once given me an ounce of gratitude for saving that shop. She’s never said thank you, or acted the least bit appreciative, or even acknowledged that it was my shop and not hers. I’m not looking for her to kiss my ass, and I could even do without the thank you, or the credit. She doesn’t even have to call it my shop. But she doesn’t need to swoop into town once in a blue moon and tear apart everything I’ve done.”

John was quiet. We sat side by side, and I slowly started to rock the swing.

“Have you looked at it from her point of view though, Lanie? I mean, it was her Dad. He hurt her pretty severely.” I opened my mouth to cut him off, but he raised his hand to stop me. “I’m not saying that means he didn’t hurt you as well. But that’s the thing about grief – two people can experience the loss of the same person and have two totally different reactions to it. It doesn’t mean one person is hurting more or less. I don’t think you can measure grief like that – it just means both people are coping with the pain differently. Your cousin’s reaction was to run away, and yours seems to be to embrace it. I do think you’re judging her for her reaction. You say that you’re not, but I think you are a little. You’re wondering how she could leave this – and him – behind. She might be sensing that and trying to hold it over you that he was her ‘real’ Dad and therefore she feels more pain. It’s not right for either of you. I also wonder if maybe you are playing the martyr a little. You loved your Uncle very much, and wanting to honor him by taking care of something that meant so much to him is such a nice thing. But Lanie, don’t do it if it doesn’t make you happy. I mean he didn’t stick around to take care of it, so why should you? Not to mention, I highly doubt he’d want this for you if you feel stuck and unhappy.”

I sighed. “That’s a really nice theory – to take off and do what I want. But I have people who invested in me and this business – Sunny for example. I can’t just screw her out of that money – and the chances of us being able to sell and get back everything… Besides, I’m not even sure what I’d do if I was ‘free’ so to speak. It’s not like I hate my life, or anything. I just… I guess I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m sure everyone reaches this point eventually, right? Questioning if they’re living it right or not?”

John shrugged. “I never have, really. But that doesn’t mean I won’t, or that nobody else has gone through it.” He cleared his throat. “You’re allowed to feel bad about your Uncle, Lanie. You’re allowed to be angry with him, and miss him, and love him, but you don’t have to become him.”

I nodded. “I know.” I said quietly. “I just… He wasn’t my Dad. But he’s the only man who ever showed the least bit of interest in me. My Dad, he left me. And it hurt, and I always wondered about him, but… I never felt abandoned because I had this other great guy step in and CHOOSE to be my Dad when he had really no obligation to do so. I chalked it up to being a fault with my Dad. Something was wrong with my Dad because he wanted me – there wasn’t anything wrong with me because if there was then nobody would want to be with me. And then my Uncle did what he did and it got me to wondering… Why am I not enough? I can admit that my Dad probably had issues that pushed him to leave, but why wasn’t I enough to make him stay? And my Uncle was sad, depressed, sick. But why wasn’t I enough of a reason for him to fight? And then you John…” I turned away as I said this. “I wasn’t enough for you either.”

“Lanie…” John said, turning toward me. He reached for my hand, but just as he opened his mout to say something, headlights swept over us.

I stood to see who it was, dropping John’s hand, and saw Matt step out of his car.

“I thought I’d find you here. Are you….” He trailed off as his eyes landed on John. “Oh. You’re good. I just wanted to make sure. I’ll leave you two alone.”

“Matt!” I called, jogging down the stairs after him. I reached him after he had gotten in his car. “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad? John? I don’t think it’s the smartest decision you could make, but it’s not my choice to make.”

“I’m not… We’re not… I mean John was just…. He was here when I got here. I didn’t know he was here I just came here because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Lanie, I just wanted to check on you. You’re fine, I can see that. Now if you’ll excuse me, your cousin was pretty upset so I should probably go check on her.”

“That’s not your responsibility Matt. She’ll be OK.” I said, feeling the jealousy creep up.

“Are you going to check on her? Because you were pretty mean to her Lanie.”

“She wasn’t exactly sunshine and buttercups to me, Matt.” I said defensively.

“Yeah well. You seem to have found someone to make you feel better, so if you don’t mind I’m going to go see if I can do the same for her.”

There was nothing else to do except watch him drive away.

I climbed the stairs back to the porch feeling even more defeated. I slumped down in the swing.

“He seemed upset. Are you two….” John trailed off.

“Are we what?” I asked.

“Seeing each other? I mean you seemed chummy at the wedding. He seemed pissed off.”

“We aren’t… I mean he doesn’t… Matt doesn’t date. So we aren’t together or anything.”

“Well… He seemed jealous that you were here with me…” John trailed off.

“He wasn’t.” I said. “I’m just gonna go. Thanks for…. Anyway, goodnight.”

I didn’t wait for John to protest. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go either. I just knew that staying there with him wasn’t a good idea, and so I left.