Have you ever been low

I didn’t bother waking Steph the next morning to see if she wanted to come with me. I knew she’d show up later, and I began daydreaming about cancelling the class. The only thing that stopped me was knowing how disappointed the kids would be.

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I walked in and saw the look on Mona’s face.

“What happened?” I asked, shrugging off my jacket.

“Mono. Half the high school is down with it. I’ve had parents calling all morning to let me know their kids are too sick to talk, let alone work.”

“And Sunny’s gone for the rest of the week.”

I said. “And we have that catering job today.”

“I want to feel sorry for myself, but I don’t think I have the time. Alright. Can you and Mo handle breakfast? I’m going to go see who I can wrangle up.” I asked.

“Steph’s in town. You could call her to come in.” Mona said. “She’s been working here since she could walk.”

“Yeah. Right. Let me see if we get that desperate first.” I said, pushing my way into my office.

“She’s family, Melanie. Be nice. I left the list of call offs on your desk!” She called after me.

Did you ever notice that when you’re fighting with family, everyone always says something like ‘it’s family, be nice’? My Mom always said it to me when I was fighting with my sister, and Sunny’s Mom always said it to me when I was fighting with my Mom. I didn’t understand – was I just supposed to give someone a pass to walk on me just because they were family? And who was over there telling them to be nice to me, because we were family? Why are we so willing to give our family more chances to screw up than other people? If anything, your family should be MORE supportive and therefore you should have less issues with them.

I begged, pleaded, bribed, and basically guaranteed that I’d have no life for the rest of the month with the amount of vacation days I promised, but I did manage to cover our shifts. Some of the shifts were scarily understaffed and if we got any more catering jobs I’d have to turn them down, but at least we’d be able to stay open. I still didn’t have time to waste because I needed to jump in and help out so we wouldn’t be totally screwed for this lunch job. I didn’t sit down until I flipped the closed sign on the door. Matt and the group would be here any second, but I went to my office, sat in my chair, and opened the top drawer on my desk. There sat a bottle of bright pink nail polish. I took it out and began painting my nails. I was finishing up when Matt walked in, and leaned against the doorway, smiling at me.

“Gotta look pretty for our class? I don’t think the kids care about the state of your nails. But that color totally brings out the flour on your nose.”

I carefully wiped my nose with the back of my hand, and then blew on my nails. “I had a bad day.” I said.

“I’m sorry?” Matt said, looking confused.

I laughed. “Sorry, my brain is a little fried. My Mom and I aren’t very close. We aren’t not close, but most of my life she was working a lot and didn’t have a lot of time for us. I don’t resent it, she was doing what she had to do to make ends meet, and I’m sure she would have rather been at home with us…” I shrugged. “But when she had a bad day, or my sister and I did… She’d paint our nails. Something pretty and bright because she said sometimes you needed color at your fingertips to make you feel better. I guess it sounds kind of dumb now but…” I trailed off and looked down at my fingertips. I did feel better.

I looked back up at Matt and saw him studying me carefully.

“So…” I said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. “You and my cousin, huh?”

“What about us?” He asked, looking confused.

“She seems pretty smitten? I think she’ll probably show up here soon.”

“Huh.” He said. Then he poked his head out of his office. “You guys! Remember any mess you make you have to clean up! Hurry up and finish making your pizza’s because we’re going to start soon.” He turned back to me. “Speaking of dating… I think there’s someone I want you to meet.”

I shook my head. “Uh uh. Not doing that.”

“You don’t have to fall in love with the guy. We’re meeting up for drinks tonight. I haven’t told him anything about you. Just come out and hang out. What else are you doing to do? Watch Teen Mom all night and talk to your tv?”

meet I blushed because it was true – I had planned on watching Teen Mom and I did often give the Mom’s advice I knew they couldn’t hear. “I don’t know if I’m ready Matt. I still miss John, and I don’t know. Part of me wonders if maybe I do need to meet someone new to help me get over him. But then part of me worries that I’ll meet someone nice, but I’ll still be obsessing over John and I’ll just hurt him.”

“Look. Just come hang out. If you’re not interested, you aren’t. But you can’t hold yourself back for something that hasn’t even happened yet.”

“If you want to hang out with Steph, Matt you don’t need me there to do it.” I said before I could stop myself. My filter needed changing.

He shook his head. “I don’t date Lanie. Steph is a nice person, she and I could be friends, but I still don’t date. And I don’t know where she got the impression that I do but when I get the chance I’ll clear it up for you.” The front door bell rang, and I knew without even looking it was.

“Speak of the devil.” I said, smiling.

Class went smoothly, and of course as soon as soon as Steph heard about the drinks idea, she was all about it. I was afraid she was going to try to invite herself along to go drop the kids off, but instead she bowed out and opted to go home and change first. We met up back at the bar – a quiet little dive around the corner from Matt’s apartment. His friend was already there. His name was Chris, and he was younger than I had assumed. His skin was tan, his teeth white and straight, short black hair, brown eyes. He looked latino, and all around, he was pretty average, but seemed nice. We sat down, and ordered drinks. We made small talk, and I was grateful that Matt had really seemed to not have mentioned me at all to him. There is nothing more awkward than knowing someone is trying to fix you up.

Steph came in, and I was relieved to see while she had changed, it hadn’t been into some crazy outfit. If anything, she looked more low key than what she had been wearing. However, when she sat down, I couldn’t help but feel a shift in the dynamic, and suddenly once again I was feeling awkward and left out. I don’t think anyone was intentionally leaving me out, and that it had to do with more how I felt towards Steph, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach much more. Finally when there was a break in the conversation, I let out a huge yawn.

“I’m sorry guys, it was a really long day today and it’s going to be another one tomorrow. I should go.” I said.

“But I just got here!” Steph protested. “Don’t be a bummer, hang out for a little while longer.”

I felt my annoyance go up another notch. “I know Steph but there was a mono outbreak and the shop is shorthanded. I’ve been running around all day and will be doing it all week.”

“You should have told me you needed help! I could totally come in. I do know my way around after all.” She said, smiling and looking at Matt.

Again, I felt my annoyance level go up. I now was at a dangerous level. “I did ask you this morning if you wanted to come in. You said it’d be too hard.” I tried to keep my tone even, but knew from the flash across Steph’s face that she had picked up on my sarcasm.

“Well, it IS hard to see my Dad’s shop and know he’s no longer here. But if you need me, I’m willing to help out.” She said, managing to keep her voice much more cheerful than I had been. Still, I could tell from Matt’s slow gulp on his beer and his glancing from me to Steph that he knew trouble was in the air and wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Fine. If you could come in tomorrow morning, that would be amazing. Mo can show you how to make the breakfast pizzas. I’m going to need you there by eight so don’t stay out too late.” I said, standing to go.

“Breakfast pizzas? Dad never made breakfast pizzas.” Steph said. There was a scoff in her voice.

“Your Dad doesn’t own the shop anymore.” I said, unable to stop myself.

“You think I don’t know that?” Steph said, her voice rising higher in octave, telling me she was pissed. “You act like a martyr, swooping in and saving the business like some sort of superhero. Nobody asked you to do that, Lanie, and I’m not going to kiss your ass for the rest of my life because you did it.”

“Your right. Nobody asked me to save it. In fact you made it as hard as you possible could for me to save it. And then you come riding back into town whenever you feel like it, wanting people to feel sorry for you, talking about how I’ve changed your Dad’s business. Newsflash: if you had sold it, people would have changed it a hell of a lot more than table tops or making breakfast pizzas. You don’t have to kiss my ass and you don’t even have to thank me, but what you do need to do is stop acting like you are the only one who grieves him.”

Now Steph stood. “He was my father, Melanie. NOT yours. Doesn’t matter how badly you wish differently, he was my father and I’m the one who lost him. You can make it seem like you loved him more by sacrificing your life to save the thing that killed him, but that’s just pathetic on your part.”

“Hey now…” Matt started. I raised my hand and stopped him.

“You’re right. He was your father. He wasn’t mine. But I loved him like he was, and as much as you may want to deny it now, we both know he treated me like he was. You’re forgetting that I’ve lost a father too, and when he did, yours stepped in. And I’m grateful for that, and grateful that up until he died, you never seemed to resent him for doing so, or resented me. You used to be like a sister to me, and now… Now I don’t know you at all. And I think that’s sad, but I’ve tried to change it and you’ve always kept me an arms length away. I don’t know if you feel guilty, I don’t know if it hurts too much, I just don’t know. What I do know is I’m not going to get into some stupid pissing match about who loved him more or who he loved more or who hurts the most. I’m not going to try to trade blows with you to see which one of us can say the most hurtful things. And I’m done trying to fix things with you. I’ll stay somewhere else tonight, but when I come home tomorrow, I expect you to be gone. Stay away from me, stay away from my life, and stay away from MY pizza shop.” I held her gaze for a moment to let her know I was serious, and then turned to Matt and Chris. “Sorry to drag you guys into this. Beers are on me.” I said, laying some cash on the table. Then I turned and left.

I was kicking myself for saying I’d stay somewhere else, but as mad as I was at Steph I couldn’t kick her out at night with nowhere else to go. Plus, I didn’t need to give her an excuse to crash at Matt’s house. But, I had nowhere to go really, except to my Mother’s, who would ask me what was wrong and then launch into a lecture about how Steph was family and how I should go home and apologize to her. Then I remembered I had a spare key to Sunny and Noah’s house. I wasn’t going to interrupt their honeymoon to ask if I could spend the night there, but I knew they wouldn’t care. I could borrow a set of Sunny’s clothes and not have to worry about changing before work tomorrow.

I was surprised to see a light on in the house when I pulled up, but figured whoever was collecting their mail left a light on to make it seem like someone was home. I parked in the driveway and sat for a moment – the emotion had finally caught up to me, the hurtful things Steph had said to me. I had always felt like I didn’t deserve to miss my Uncle as much because he wasn’t really my Father, and the fact that Steph felt the same way… I laid my head on the steering wheel and let the emotion pour out of me in huge, ugly, gut wrenching sobs. Today sucked, and pink nails weren’t enough to fix that.

I jumped a mile in the air when I heard a knock at my window. I couldn’t see who it was, but assumed it was Matt, come to check on me. I opened my door, and that’s when I saw it wasn’t Matt at all.

“Of COURSE you’d be here too.”