It was only just a dream?

I hadn't expected to fall asleep. I had felt wired before I laid down, so I had planned on making sure Matt was asleep and then extracting myself and heading home.

However, the next thing I realized, I was waking up. Matt was still asleep, an arm firmly around me. I studied his face for a minute - the flush of his cheeks, the way his eyelashes rested on his cheek, the slight bump in his nose, the fullness of his lips... I reached up and touched his face - I was telling myself I was checking for a fever, but I knew differently - and then I ran my hand through his hair. His eyes fluttered, and I snatched my hand back.

"Hello there." He said, his words full of sleep.

"Hey. I was getting ready to go. You feeling any better."

"Yeah." He said. And then he seemed to notice our closeness and pulled back a little. I took this as my cue to sit up. "You don't have to go. I mean it's late. You can just stay in my bed. I'll crash on the couch."

"No, I really should go. Work and such in the morning and it's Sunny's first day back and I don't want to be late." Was it me or was there a hint of disappointment on his face?

"OK. Well... I wanted to apologize for how I reacted to you and John. If you two are going to hook up or whatever, it's none of my business. I just don't want to see you get hurt. But you can make your own choices." Matt said. He wouldn't look at me, staring off instead at the TV.

I laughed - I couldn't help myself. "That's what that was about? Trust me, we aren't hooking up. After I left the bar I realized I had no place to stay. I figured I could use the spare key and stay at Sunny and Noah's for the night. I hadn't realized they had asked John to watch the place. I didn't call him, and if I knew he had been there, I would have gone some place else. We talked and then I left."

"You didn't stay with John?" He asked, looking confused.

"No. That would have been the last thing I needed that night. More drama. I went and slept in my office."

He laughed, and then started couging. I reached over and rubbed his back lightly. "Do you need some water?" I asked.

He shook his head. His coughing fit finished. "That must have sucked."

"It did. That whole night was a mess. How about you? Spend the night with Steph?"

Matt turned a little red.

"Ooooh." I teased, trying to hide my hurt feelings. "Someone did spend the night with someone."

"Not like that." Matt said. "I don't do that. She was upset. I was just... I jumped to conclusions with you and John, got angry with you, and left you for someone I had just met a few days prior. It's embarassing."

I shrugged. "That night was pretty... Intense. I was mad, but things happen. How was Steph?"

"It's obvious she cares a lot about you. She's just hurt by the whole situation. She feels like you think you loved her Dad more because you took over."

"I've never said anything of the sort." I said, feeling my defenses rise.

"I know. I think she knows that too. I think sometimes when people are in painful situations they look for someone to blame. Her Dad isn't here to blame anymore and so..."

"I don't think we'll ever get over it."

"Maybe." Matt said. "Anyway..." He trailed off.

"You should lay back down. You're looking pale again." I said.

"Nobody's ever taken care of me like this." Matt said as I covered him with a blanket.

"It's not a big deal." I said, going into the kitchen to grab him a cold gatorade. "I'll swing by after work and check on you. See how you're doing. Call me if you want me to bring anything."

Matt didn't answer, and as I walked back into the living room, I saw the reason - he was already passed out. I set the gatorade on the table next to him and studied his face for a minute. He looked so young, so peaceful, and I couldn't help myself, I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

Matt's eyes fluttered open, and my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, worried about what his reaction might be. He smiled, and his eyes closed again.

I left, hoping in the morning he wouldn't remember.

To be honest

There's a new post below.

I wasn't going to do a whatever post for this week, just because I'm so far behind on things (the blog and real life things.) But then I decided to take a second and be honest so you guys are aware of what's going on.

The blog is not and will not be a top priority to me. It kind of kills me to say that, because I remember when the blog was a huge priority to me, and I had posts written way ahead of time and everything was on schedule. I feel guilty saying that because I know a lot of people like to read it (and I really do appreciate it!) but the fact is, there's just not enough time in the day for it to be a priority, and when I do get some me time... Well I don't usually feel like writing.

I think I've mentioned before that I watch my neighbors two kids during the day. It's been far harder than I imagined it would be. I knew going from two kids to four would be harder, obviously, but I've watched more before (my friend has six kids, and I have baby-sat five of hers with two of mine.) I don't want to talk badly about anyone, but one of her children is a handful to say the least, and nothing she or I do seems to help the behavior. He is young, I get it, but it's very trying. I also think his behavior affects my kids behavior. My kids are NO perfect, and certainly have their own moments of terror, but it seems to get worse when he is around. Eli is also becoming a bit of a terror and I can't say it's not just his personality (and his age, as we're heading into three territory, and I hate the threes), but part of me does wonder if he wouldn't be so bad if the other child wasn't around.

I don't know if it's the weather, or if it's the fact that they're tired of being inside after a long winter (we'll get a day of awesome weather followed by flurries and cold rain.) But it seems like they've been especially on the rampage lately. I've decided I need to sit down with Jeremy and we really need to hammer our a concrete list of punishments and rewards and then follow through with them.

Anyway, on top of being sick last week, I feel like I've been running non-stop, putting out fires and dealing with trying to catch up on all the stuff that didn't get done when I was sick. You guys have been nothing but understanding and I really appreciate that, but I just wanted to let you know that I am trying to keep up - but it is hard. I was hoping to get the second post up this weekend to catch up from what I missed, but I just found out I'll have both kids this weekend again. So please, just bear with me.

Sickness

I woke up the next morning with a stiff neck. Well, kind of. I wasn't even sure if I could say I woke up, because I'm not sure I slept for more than an hour. After leaving Sunny and Noah's house, I drove around aimlessly for awhile, trying to talk myself in to going to my Mom's house. I just couldn't make myself do it. I knew she'd ask why I wasn't staying at my house and I just didn't have it in me to lie, nor did I have it in me to listen to the lecture on family. I could have gone to the Mo's house and I'm sure they would have welcomed me, but it was late and I would have still been opening myself up to a lecture.

So. I slept in my office chair. It hadn't been comfortable, and I wasn't used to the noises of the place late at night. My brain also hadn't shut down and I alternated between wanting to call Matt and picturing him with Steph and getting extremely angry.

"Oh!" Mona woke me up by yelling. I opened my eyes to see her hand clutched to her chest. "You nearly gave me a heart attack. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah." I said, rubbing the knot in my neck that I feared was permanent. "I crashed here last night."

"I see." She said, raising an eyebrow. "Any particular reason why?"

"No." I said in voice sharper than I meant. A look of hurt briefly flashed across Mona's face, and I softened. "I'm sorry. I just didn't sleep well last night. We've got another long day ahead of us so let's get this show on the road, huh?"

Mona pursed her lips and I could tell she wanted to say something. She shook her head as if she thought better, but turned back after she started to exit. "You and your cousin fighting would have broken your Uncle's heart." She stood, clearly expecting a response.

I knew what she said was meant to make me feel bad, or at least make me think, but my first reaction was a white hot anger. "Then maybe he shouldn't have left." I responded.

I didn't bother to look at Mona, I just turned to my computer to start checking my emails.

I purposefully left my phone in my desk for the day. I was convinced that I'd return to a blinking light of missed calls or texts from Matt, or John or mabe even Steph, but at the end of a long day there was nothing. No one called, no one texted, no non-business related emails. I didn't even have any alerts from facebook. I didn't think my mood could have gotten any worse, but it had.

I went home to an empty apartment. No note from Steph, just my extra key lying on the kitchen counter. I had plans to make myself dinner, but was so tired and fed up with how the day went, I just crawled into bed.

The week didn't get any better. I realized at some point that it was a me problem, and I needed to find some way to pull myself out of the funk I was in, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I'd never speak to Steph again, but I did realize that I was still angry and that any sort of conversation was just going to end up in an argument. I wasn't going to contact John. That was a situation I wasn't going to involve myself in. I wasn't dumb enough to convince myself we could just be friends again, and I also knew that I'd never be able to trust any sort of relationship after what he did to me. Matt... Well I wanted to contact Matt. And that hellacious week, I picked up my phone to do so at least a hundred times. But... What was I supposed to say? I really didn't think I had done anything wrong with Steph, and I didn't know why he had reacted the way that he had to me being with John - it's not as if I had called him, I hadn't even known he would be at Sunny's. I also wasn't sure where our friendship was going to go. He made it clear he didn't want a relationship and I knew I was developing feelings for him. I didn't know whether those feelings were real, or if I was just searching for a replacement for John, but I did know I wasn't eager to fall for someone who could't make a commitment to me. Again.

I was eager for Sunny to come home. I knew things needed to change, I just didn't know how or what. I wanted her home so I could talk through it with her. But I had one last meeting with Matt to get through before she was due to come back. One I was both dreading and was oddly excited for. Then Matt texted me.

My heart flipped when my phone beeped and I looked down to see his name. Was he going to ask to talk after? Maybe grab a drink again?

Matt: Can't make it tonight. Class is cancelled.

I got the text first thing in the morning. I spent all day writing - and deleting - responses to him. None of them seemed right. I left it alone, but I could feel my aggrivation building, and even though I had plans to go right home after work (because let's be honest, where else was I going to go?) I found myself pulling up in front of Matt's house. And then I found myself knocking on his door. And when he opened the door, I found myself going off.

"You want to be angry with me, fine Matt. That's fine. But those kids don't deserve to be punished because you're not talking to me. I gave up my time in order to be there for them, as a favor to you, and now I'm committed to them and I would have thought you would be too." I turned to go, but he grabbed my arm.

"Whoa there sparky. Who said I wasn't talking to you?" He asked.

"The fact that I haven't heard from you in a week?" I said, turning back to face him.

"The phone works in two ways you know." He said. Then he started coughing.

I looked at him and noticed his red nose, pale face, and the bags under his eyes.

"You're sick." I said, reaching up to him to touch his forehead. "You have a fever."

"I know. It's why I cancelled today." Despite his sickness, he smiled a half smile.

"I'm so sorry. Can I get you anything?"

"I'm fine." He said. Then he sneezed. "Excuse me." He said, pulling out a piece of paper towel from his pocket and turning to blow his nose.

"If you use those for your nose, you're going to rub it raw. Have you taken any medicine?" I asked. He shook his head no, and I clicked my tongue. "Go lay down. I'll be back." I said, turning to leave.

I went to the store and grabbed some esstentials and headed back to Matt's. He let me in, and shuffled back to the couch.

"You don't have to do this, you know." He said, plopping down on the couch.

"I know. I want too." I said. I tossed him a gatoraide and a box of kleenex, and then poured him a dose of Nyquil. "Here. Take this." I said, walking it over to him.

"Yes Mother." He mocked, but he drank it down.

"You hungry? I got soup. I also got cough drops. I mean I can go, but if you want me to stay in case you need anything..." I trailed off.

"There is one thing I need, but it might sound weird." He said. His voice already sounded drowsy and almost child like.

"Sure. What can I do?"

"Cuddle me? I'm so cold."

I froze for a moment, but then Matt pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over him, patting a spot beside him. I hesitated for a moment, and then gave in. I slipped off my shoes, crawled in next to him, and snuggled in to his chest.

I skipped a week. I've been hit woth some sort of out of the blue stomach thi g (which jer thinks os food poisoning since outside of one throw up incident from cayden nobody else is sick) I sat up for ten minutes today and had to then go take a four hour nap. I'm hoping I wake up better tomorrow as this has already dragged on too long but I promise when it does go away ill make up whatever posts I missed. Sorry guys I didn't even see this ome cpmi ng.

Kindergarten

Apparently Sunday's are just going to turn into my days to write.

OK, let's talk about Cayden, and how he's going to Kindergarten in the fall. I don't really understand when this happened. I specifically remember looking at baby clothes while Cayden was a newborn and glancing at the 2t and 3t things and thinking "my itty bitty baby will never ever be that big." Yeah, well. Last month I looked up and realize my itty bitty baby 5t shirts were too short for him - we're out of the baby section and into the big boys stuff. (On to the pictures. You KNEW there was going to be pictures, right?)



That's Cayden ranging in newborn to, well that picture of him and Eli on the motorcycle was taken today - 4.5 years old. When you think about it, four and a half years isn't that long of a time. But it seems like forever because I really can't really remember what life was like before knowing Cayden - just like I can't really remember what life was like as a Mother to just one child, even though Eli's been here for a little less than two and a half years. There's so much I can't remember, actually. Cayden when he was a baby. Cayden before he could walk. Cayden before he could talk. Oh, I know it happened, and I do have pictures and videos to look back on, but it's still fuzzy in my memory. Still, I also think about the future and I can't imagine him being any different than what it is now. I see kids playing on the playground - unsupervised because they're old enough - and I can't imagine leaving Cayden on the playground alone. The other day we stopped for gas and when Jeremy went in to pay, I watched kids walking home from school - all by themselves again - and I couldn't imagine letting Cayden doing that. And it's not because I'm paranoid or worried. It's just because I can't picture him old enough to be able to do those things. I also watched him stand next to an older boy on the playground today, and the boy was at least a foot taller than him, if not more. I realized some day (and sooner rather than later) Cayden too will be that tall.

He starts kindergarten in the fall. Kindergarten. When the hell did that happen? Kindergarten is when most of my memories started (I mean I can remember some things from before kindergarten, but the details are fuzzy. I very clearly remember things that happened to me in kindergarten.)

We went back and forth with our decision to place Cayden in kindergarten. He won't even be five when school starts, he'll be the youngest kid in his grade, and that makes me very very nervous. He's a boy, and I do believe that most (I did not say all) boys mature more slowly than girls. So. Am I setting him up for something by making him the youngest in his grade?

I'm not worried about him academically at all. There are some areas he could improve in (his pencil grip sucks. Really really sucks.) But he catches on quickly and more importantly, he really loves to learn. I am VERY concerned about his emotional readiness. He still doesn't like to be away from me. He complains about going to school now - and he only goes four days a week for not even four hours. And now you want me to send him five days a week all day?

I was on the fence because of this - I didn't want to send him and have him not be ready. I didn't want to hold him back and have him get bored. Well. Turns out, we don't have a choice. Cayden's school originally told us they thought that since he was so young, we might have the option of having him repeat the grade. As it turns out, we do not. Our choices are to enroll him in Kindergarten or home school him.

I don't want to home school. I'm not against homeschooling or homeschoolers, but have to be a certain kind of person to be a teacher - whether it's in a "regular" school or a home school. I am not that kind of person. Part of it IS selfish. I just don't want to do it. But more than that, I don't think I would do a good job, and I don't want to fail Cayden. STILL, doing it for a year would not kill me and I could and would manage. Except... One of my main concerns is Cayden doesn't like to be away from me, even if it's with Jeremy - if he has to pick between his Dad and I, 9 times out of 10 he will pick me. And I get it. We spend a LOT of time together. I'm with him every day, we even co-sleep with the boys. Being homeschooled by me is not going to help that - if anything it's only going to make things worse.

So. My itty bitty baby who I couldn't imagine wearing 2t clothing is now going to Kindergarten in the fall. I'm incredibly nervous, and constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I keep trying to remind myself that we always have the option of pulling him out of school if things don't go well, and that eventually I'm going to have to let him grow up and I'll probably never think he's really ready. So. Here we go, I guess.

Living it Right

John threw up his heads – almost in a defense like pose. “Of COURSE I’m here – I’m housesitting while Noah and Sunny are on their honeymoon.”

My anger turned to embarrassment. I was ready to chew him out – maybe even acuse him of stalking me just to taunt me. But I now remember asking Sunny if she needed me to swing by the house to pick up their mail or anything, and she had said no. I had for some reason assumed that a neighbor had volunteered.

“They’re painting my apartment. So I offered to stay. If you’re pissed about them not asking you, I’m sure they would have had I not offered.”

“No. I don’t care. I just… Wanted to swing by and check on the house. It’s fine, obviously, so I’ll just go.”

“Lanie…”

“What?” I snapped.

“C’mon. It’s clear that’s not the only reason you came here. You’re obviously upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

“To you?” I asked, incredulously.

“Oh. It’s about me, huh? I guess that might be weird.”

“You are a real piece of work John. Believe it or not my life was fine before you, and it’ll be fine after you. All you did was break my heart, you didn’t break me. Not everything is about you.” I went to shut my door but John grabbed it quickly.

“You’re right, Lanie. I shouldn’t have assumed, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for assuming, and I’m sorry for treating you the way I did. You deserve far better than me, and I think I knew that and instead of trying my best to keep you, I pushed you away. It’s not an excuse, you don’t have to forgive me, but it’s a reason and an apology. And if you want to talk about whatever is upsetting you, I am here for you. If you want to just stay here, I can go away. You tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

I looked up at him, trying to read his face. John had been a lot of things, but he had never been so raw in front of me before. I hated him a little for it – for making me feel sorry for him when he was the one who hurt me. But I had nowhere else to go, and no one else to talk too. I got out of the car and walked to the porch, running my hand over the porch railing.

“I was here when Sunny first saw this house. Noah found it. I don’t know if you ever saw it before Noah did all the work on it….” I turned to look at John, who was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands in his pocket, looking unsure. He shook his head. “Well. This house was a piece of crap.” I said, laughing slightly. “Sunny hated it, I could tell. But, we could both tell how much Noah loved it, so she tried to hide it. He thought he had such a find – I mean the neighborhood is great. Quiet. But the house… Some older lady refused to leave it after her husband died and she just couldn’t care for it. It needed painting, the front yard was OK because neighbors helped her care for it, but the back yard was a jungle, there was wood rotting and it seemed like everything needed replaced… But Noah loved it.” I paused, to look out over the street, enjoying the cool night air. “The first thing he fixed up was this porch. Sunny was pissed – so many other rooms he could have worked on, but he picked the porch, which really wasn’t important. But he said it was. He wanted to be able to sit out here and enjoy the night with a beer after he had finished working on the house. I helped him paint these rails.” I said, running my hand over them again. “I was here when he hung up that swing.” I walked over to it, and sat. John continued to eye me carefully. “You can sit next to me John. I’m mad, but I’m not violent.”

He quietly climbed the steps sitting down next to me. It was painfully obvious that he was making it a point to leave space between us. I knew he was doing it to be respectful, but it did sting a little bit.

“So. Are we talking about what that driveway episode was about?” He asked. I cringed.

“That wasn’t pretty, was it?” I sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t want to say life’s a mess because that sounds so dramatic, and I don’t think it is that dramatic of a situation. It’s more like… I don’t know where to go from here. I feel stuck.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know… I mean I’m happy for Sunny and Noah – don’t get me wrong, but I’m jealous. Even though Noah’s pretty much always been around, it’s been me and Sunny, and now it’s not anymore. Them getting married took away my partner, and it made me realize that I don’t have anything like that. And a lot of people can say that, I’m still young… But then I wonder, what do I have?”

“What are you talking about? You have a business that’s doing pretty well. There’s a lot of people who would kill for that, Lanie.” John interjected.

I nodded. “I do. But I didn’t choose it – this wasn’t what my life was supposed to be. I never planned on being stuck in the town I grew up in, in a business that isn’t really mine, surrounded by family I never really talk too. I had some good friends, yes – like Sunny and Noah, but even they’re moving on with their lives. And here I am. Stuck. And then you know, my cousin sweeps into town and even though she hasn’t been here for who knows how long, she claims everything. The shop is HER Pop’s – even though she didn’t give up anything to help save it. She criticizes everything I do, and she claims all the memories and acts like it’s only hard for her. Like I didn’t know him, like I didn’t love him, like he didn’t hurt me too.” I was speaking faster now, my voice rising, and I could feel the hot tears building all over again. I took a shaky breath to calm myself down. “She accused me of being a martyr.” I laughed. “Maybe I am. I gave up my whole life for something that meant a lot to someone who meant a lot to me. Maybe she’s jealous that I could do that for him when she couldn’t? I don’t know. I don’t blame her for walking away. But if I’m a martyr, I must be the crappiest martyr ever. She’s never once given me an ounce of gratitude for saving that shop. She’s never said thank you, or acted the least bit appreciative, or even acknowledged that it was my shop and not hers. I’m not looking for her to kiss my ass, and I could even do without the thank you, or the credit. She doesn’t even have to call it my shop. But she doesn’t need to swoop into town once in a blue moon and tear apart everything I’ve done.”

John was quiet. We sat side by side, and I slowly started to rock the swing.

“Have you looked at it from her point of view though, Lanie? I mean, it was her Dad. He hurt her pretty severely.” I opened my mouth to cut him off, but he raised his hand to stop me. “I’m not saying that means he didn’t hurt you as well. But that’s the thing about grief – two people can experience the loss of the same person and have two totally different reactions to it. It doesn’t mean one person is hurting more or less. I don’t think you can measure grief like that – it just means both people are coping with the pain differently. Your cousin’s reaction was to run away, and yours seems to be to embrace it. I do think you’re judging her for her reaction. You say that you’re not, but I think you are a little. You’re wondering how she could leave this – and him – behind. She might be sensing that and trying to hold it over you that he was her ‘real’ Dad and therefore she feels more pain. It’s not right for either of you. I also wonder if maybe you are playing the martyr a little. You loved your Uncle very much, and wanting to honor him by taking care of something that meant so much to him is such a nice thing. But Lanie, don’t do it if it doesn’t make you happy. I mean he didn’t stick around to take care of it, so why should you? Not to mention, I highly doubt he’d want this for you if you feel stuck and unhappy.”

I sighed. “That’s a really nice theory – to take off and do what I want. But I have people who invested in me and this business – Sunny for example. I can’t just screw her out of that money – and the chances of us being able to sell and get back everything… Besides, I’m not even sure what I’d do if I was ‘free’ so to speak. It’s not like I hate my life, or anything. I just… I guess I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m sure everyone reaches this point eventually, right? Questioning if they’re living it right or not?”

John shrugged. “I never have, really. But that doesn’t mean I won’t, or that nobody else has gone through it.” He cleared his throat. “You’re allowed to feel bad about your Uncle, Lanie. You’re allowed to be angry with him, and miss him, and love him, but you don’t have to become him.”

I nodded. “I know.” I said quietly. “I just… He wasn’t my Dad. But he’s the only man who ever showed the least bit of interest in me. My Dad, he left me. And it hurt, and I always wondered about him, but… I never felt abandoned because I had this other great guy step in and CHOOSE to be my Dad when he had really no obligation to do so. I chalked it up to being a fault with my Dad. Something was wrong with my Dad because he wanted me – there wasn’t anything wrong with me because if there was then nobody would want to be with me. And then my Uncle did what he did and it got me to wondering… Why am I not enough? I can admit that my Dad probably had issues that pushed him to leave, but why wasn’t I enough to make him stay? And my Uncle was sad, depressed, sick. But why wasn’t I enough of a reason for him to fight? And then you John…” I turned away as I said this. “I wasn’t enough for you either.”

“Lanie…” John said, turning toward me. He reached for my hand, but just as he opened his mout to say something, headlights swept over us.

I stood to see who it was, dropping John’s hand, and saw Matt step out of his car.

“I thought I’d find you here. Are you….” He trailed off as his eyes landed on John. “Oh. You’re good. I just wanted to make sure. I’ll leave you two alone.”

“Matt!” I called, jogging down the stairs after him. I reached him after he had gotten in his car. “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad? John? I don’t think it’s the smartest decision you could make, but it’s not my choice to make.”

“I’m not… We’re not… I mean John was just…. He was here when I got here. I didn’t know he was here I just came here because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Lanie, I just wanted to check on you. You’re fine, I can see that. Now if you’ll excuse me, your cousin was pretty upset so I should probably go check on her.”

“That’s not your responsibility Matt. She’ll be OK.” I said, feeling the jealousy creep up.

“Are you going to check on her? Because you were pretty mean to her Lanie.”

“She wasn’t exactly sunshine and buttercups to me, Matt.” I said defensively.

“Yeah well. You seem to have found someone to make you feel better, so if you don’t mind I’m going to go see if I can do the same for her.”

There was nothing else to do except watch him drive away.

I climbed the stairs back to the porch feeling even more defeated. I slumped down in the swing.

“He seemed upset. Are you two….” John trailed off.

“Are we what?” I asked.

“Seeing each other? I mean you seemed chummy at the wedding. He seemed pissed off.”

“We aren’t… I mean he doesn’t… Matt doesn’t date. So we aren’t together or anything.”

“Well… He seemed jealous that you were here with me…” John trailed off.

“He wasn’t.” I said. “I’m just gonna go. Thanks for…. Anyway, goodnight.”

I didn’t wait for John to protest. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go either. I just knew that staying there with him wasn’t a good idea, and so I left.

Haven't forgotten - new post will be up tonight. We've had such nice weather FINALLY that we've been spending a lot of time outside. Also, since we were told Cayden can't go to the same preschool next year and therefore his only options are homeschool or kindergarten, I've been spending the rest of the time working on kindergarten readiness with him.

Anyway, post is almost done and I'll finish it and get it up as soon as the kiddos are in bed.

Whatever.... Sunday?

First off - I just wanted to make a comment about typos and such. I don't have an editor (and I suck and hate editing my stuff, soooo I usually don't do it. Sometimes I'll go back and re-read stuff but I don't actually search for errors.) Sometimes I also get interrupting right smack dab in the middle of writing and mess up or lose my train of thought... Basically, if you see a big error, feel free to (nicely please!) point it out. If it's something minor (spelling error, maybe wrong punctuation.) we'll skip it, but if I call someone by someone elses name, ect. Point it out in the comments and I'll usually go back and fix it :-)

I was going to write about Easter this week, and then realized it was totally boring. I mean I had fun - but it was the normal "eat, find eggs, family" deal.



Today I "ran" my first 5k. I say "ran" because I didn't run any of it. BUT I did finish, and I didn't finish last. It was a glow run at night, and it was pretty fun, but I'm very tired now and have the feeling I'll be very sore tomorrow (I had planned on suggesting a family hike. Don't think that's going to happen.)

I have nothing else to write about, so I thought I'd leave it with a question for you all to answer and possibly start a discussion in the comments: What's one thing you've always wanted to do?

Have you ever been low

I didn’t bother waking Steph the next morning to see if she wanted to come with me. I knew she’d show up later, and I began daydreaming about cancelling the class. The only thing that stopped me was knowing how disappointed the kids would be.

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I walked in and saw the look on Mona’s face.

“What happened?” I asked, shrugging off my jacket.

“Mono. Half the high school is down with it. I’ve had parents calling all morning to let me know their kids are too sick to talk, let alone work.”

“And Sunny’s gone for the rest of the week.”

I said. “And we have that catering job today.”

“I want to feel sorry for myself, but I don’t think I have the time. Alright. Can you and Mo handle breakfast? I’m going to go see who I can wrangle up.” I asked.

“Steph’s in town. You could call her to come in.” Mona said. “She’s been working here since she could walk.”

“Yeah. Right. Let me see if we get that desperate first.” I said, pushing my way into my office.

“She’s family, Melanie. Be nice. I left the list of call offs on your desk!” She called after me.

Did you ever notice that when you’re fighting with family, everyone always says something like ‘it’s family, be nice’? My Mom always said it to me when I was fighting with my sister, and Sunny’s Mom always said it to me when I was fighting with my Mom. I didn’t understand – was I just supposed to give someone a pass to walk on me just because they were family? And who was over there telling them to be nice to me, because we were family? Why are we so willing to give our family more chances to screw up than other people? If anything, your family should be MORE supportive and therefore you should have less issues with them.

I begged, pleaded, bribed, and basically guaranteed that I’d have no life for the rest of the month with the amount of vacation days I promised, but I did manage to cover our shifts. Some of the shifts were scarily understaffed and if we got any more catering jobs I’d have to turn them down, but at least we’d be able to stay open. I still didn’t have time to waste because I needed to jump in and help out so we wouldn’t be totally screwed for this lunch job. I didn’t sit down until I flipped the closed sign on the door. Matt and the group would be here any second, but I went to my office, sat in my chair, and opened the top drawer on my desk. There sat a bottle of bright pink nail polish. I took it out and began painting my nails. I was finishing up when Matt walked in, and leaned against the doorway, smiling at me.

“Gotta look pretty for our class? I don’t think the kids care about the state of your nails. But that color totally brings out the flour on your nose.”

I carefully wiped my nose with the back of my hand, and then blew on my nails. “I had a bad day.” I said.

“I’m sorry?” Matt said, looking confused.

I laughed. “Sorry, my brain is a little fried. My Mom and I aren’t very close. We aren’t not close, but most of my life she was working a lot and didn’t have a lot of time for us. I don’t resent it, she was doing what she had to do to make ends meet, and I’m sure she would have rather been at home with us…” I shrugged. “But when she had a bad day, or my sister and I did… She’d paint our nails. Something pretty and bright because she said sometimes you needed color at your fingertips to make you feel better. I guess it sounds kind of dumb now but…” I trailed off and looked down at my fingertips. I did feel better.

I looked back up at Matt and saw him studying me carefully.

“So…” I said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. “You and my cousin, huh?”

“What about us?” He asked, looking confused.

“She seems pretty smitten? I think she’ll probably show up here soon.”

“Huh.” He said. Then he poked his head out of his office. “You guys! Remember any mess you make you have to clean up! Hurry up and finish making your pizza’s because we’re going to start soon.” He turned back to me. “Speaking of dating… I think there’s someone I want you to meet.”

I shook my head. “Uh uh. Not doing that.”

“You don’t have to fall in love with the guy. We’re meeting up for drinks tonight. I haven’t told him anything about you. Just come out and hang out. What else are you doing to do? Watch Teen Mom all night and talk to your tv?”

meet I blushed because it was true – I had planned on watching Teen Mom and I did often give the Mom’s advice I knew they couldn’t hear. “I don’t know if I’m ready Matt. I still miss John, and I don’t know. Part of me wonders if maybe I do need to meet someone new to help me get over him. But then part of me worries that I’ll meet someone nice, but I’ll still be obsessing over John and I’ll just hurt him.”

“Look. Just come hang out. If you’re not interested, you aren’t. But you can’t hold yourself back for something that hasn’t even happened yet.”

“If you want to hang out with Steph, Matt you don’t need me there to do it.” I said before I could stop myself. My filter needed changing.

He shook his head. “I don’t date Lanie. Steph is a nice person, she and I could be friends, but I still don’t date. And I don’t know where she got the impression that I do but when I get the chance I’ll clear it up for you.” The front door bell rang, and I knew without even looking it was.

“Speak of the devil.” I said, smiling.

Class went smoothly, and of course as soon as soon as Steph heard about the drinks idea, she was all about it. I was afraid she was going to try to invite herself along to go drop the kids off, but instead she bowed out and opted to go home and change first. We met up back at the bar – a quiet little dive around the corner from Matt’s apartment. His friend was already there. His name was Chris, and he was younger than I had assumed. His skin was tan, his teeth white and straight, short black hair, brown eyes. He looked latino, and all around, he was pretty average, but seemed nice. We sat down, and ordered drinks. We made small talk, and I was grateful that Matt had really seemed to not have mentioned me at all to him. There is nothing more awkward than knowing someone is trying to fix you up.

Steph came in, and I was relieved to see while she had changed, it hadn’t been into some crazy outfit. If anything, she looked more low key than what she had been wearing. However, when she sat down, I couldn’t help but feel a shift in the dynamic, and suddenly once again I was feeling awkward and left out. I don’t think anyone was intentionally leaving me out, and that it had to do with more how I felt towards Steph, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach much more. Finally when there was a break in the conversation, I let out a huge yawn.

“I’m sorry guys, it was a really long day today and it’s going to be another one tomorrow. I should go.” I said.

“But I just got here!” Steph protested. “Don’t be a bummer, hang out for a little while longer.”

I felt my annoyance go up another notch. “I know Steph but there was a mono outbreak and the shop is shorthanded. I’ve been running around all day and will be doing it all week.”

“You should have told me you needed help! I could totally come in. I do know my way around after all.” She said, smiling and looking at Matt.

Again, I felt my annoyance level go up. I now was at a dangerous level. “I did ask you this morning if you wanted to come in. You said it’d be too hard.” I tried to keep my tone even, but knew from the flash across Steph’s face that she had picked up on my sarcasm.

“Well, it IS hard to see my Dad’s shop and know he’s no longer here. But if you need me, I’m willing to help out.” She said, managing to keep her voice much more cheerful than I had been. Still, I could tell from Matt’s slow gulp on his beer and his glancing from me to Steph that he knew trouble was in the air and wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Fine. If you could come in tomorrow morning, that would be amazing. Mo can show you how to make the breakfast pizzas. I’m going to need you there by eight so don’t stay out too late.” I said, standing to go.

“Breakfast pizzas? Dad never made breakfast pizzas.” Steph said. There was a scoff in her voice.

“Your Dad doesn’t own the shop anymore.” I said, unable to stop myself.

“You think I don’t know that?” Steph said, her voice rising higher in octave, telling me she was pissed. “You act like a martyr, swooping in and saving the business like some sort of superhero. Nobody asked you to do that, Lanie, and I’m not going to kiss your ass for the rest of my life because you did it.”

“Your right. Nobody asked me to save it. In fact you made it as hard as you possible could for me to save it. And then you come riding back into town whenever you feel like it, wanting people to feel sorry for you, talking about how I’ve changed your Dad’s business. Newsflash: if you had sold it, people would have changed it a hell of a lot more than table tops or making breakfast pizzas. You don’t have to kiss my ass and you don’t even have to thank me, but what you do need to do is stop acting like you are the only one who grieves him.”

Now Steph stood. “He was my father, Melanie. NOT yours. Doesn’t matter how badly you wish differently, he was my father and I’m the one who lost him. You can make it seem like you loved him more by sacrificing your life to save the thing that killed him, but that’s just pathetic on your part.”

“Hey now…” Matt started. I raised my hand and stopped him.

“You’re right. He was your father. He wasn’t mine. But I loved him like he was, and as much as you may want to deny it now, we both know he treated me like he was. You’re forgetting that I’ve lost a father too, and when he did, yours stepped in. And I’m grateful for that, and grateful that up until he died, you never seemed to resent him for doing so, or resented me. You used to be like a sister to me, and now… Now I don’t know you at all. And I think that’s sad, but I’ve tried to change it and you’ve always kept me an arms length away. I don’t know if you feel guilty, I don’t know if it hurts too much, I just don’t know. What I do know is I’m not going to get into some stupid pissing match about who loved him more or who he loved more or who hurts the most. I’m not going to try to trade blows with you to see which one of us can say the most hurtful things. And I’m done trying to fix things with you. I’ll stay somewhere else tonight, but when I come home tomorrow, I expect you to be gone. Stay away from me, stay away from my life, and stay away from MY pizza shop.” I held her gaze for a moment to let her know I was serious, and then turned to Matt and Chris. “Sorry to drag you guys into this. Beers are on me.” I said, laying some cash on the table. Then I turned and left.

I was kicking myself for saying I’d stay somewhere else, but as mad as I was at Steph I couldn’t kick her out at night with nowhere else to go. Plus, I didn’t need to give her an excuse to crash at Matt’s house. But, I had nowhere to go really, except to my Mother’s, who would ask me what was wrong and then launch into a lecture about how Steph was family and how I should go home and apologize to her. Then I remembered I had a spare key to Sunny and Noah’s house. I wasn’t going to interrupt their honeymoon to ask if I could spend the night there, but I knew they wouldn’t care. I could borrow a set of Sunny’s clothes and not have to worry about changing before work tomorrow.

I was surprised to see a light on in the house when I pulled up, but figured whoever was collecting their mail left a light on to make it seem like someone was home. I parked in the driveway and sat for a moment – the emotion had finally caught up to me, the hurtful things Steph had said to me. I had always felt like I didn’t deserve to miss my Uncle as much because he wasn’t really my Father, and the fact that Steph felt the same way… I laid my head on the steering wheel and let the emotion pour out of me in huge, ugly, gut wrenching sobs. Today sucked, and pink nails weren’t enough to fix that.

I jumped a mile in the air when I heard a knock at my window. I couldn’t see who it was, but assumed it was Matt, come to check on me. I opened my door, and that’s when I saw it wasn’t Matt at all.

“Of COURSE you’d be here too.”