I may be done. I have half a post written and then I got sick and have been on the couch the past few days. I don't know why in my right mind I thought I'd have more time once Cayden was out of school because while it means no pick up or drop off, it means all day with four kids. Quite frankly, I just don't have the drive any more to do it. I realize I'm letting people down, but frankly it's just not getting done.

Part of me wants to take another break until this winter, when I should have more time once Cayden is in kindergarten and Eli starts preschool. But I've taken breaks before and to be honest even after the break things haven't gotten better.

So basically all I can say is keep checking back but I'm not making any promises.

I am planning on coming back. Last week Cayden was home from school all week. He'd seem fine and then he'd randomly spike a really high fever and get all lethargic and grumpy. He had cold symptoms, including a nasty sounding cough so we took him in to make sure it wasn't bronchitus or anything. They said it was just a virus going around.

Friday he finally seemed to be feeling better. I regretted not sending him to school, in fact. Then right before bedtime he starts crying that his ear hurt. I kind of figured he just wanted to prolong bedtime, but still with all he had been going through, I did give him some medicine. I knew when he cried himself to sleep that he wasn't faking - but I figured we'd just get into the pedi the next morning.

He went to sleep, I finally got Eli to sleep. Then Cayden woke up crying again. Then I'd get Cayden to sleep and Eli would wake up crying. They switched off a couple of times and finally I decided that since we weren't going to sleep anyway, we might as well head to the ER (and honestly, Cayde was crying so hard and so loud at this point I was afraid his ear drum was going to burst or something - I didn't know if it could come on that quickly. His ears had been checked Monday at the doctor and he hadn't complained at all about them hurting until right before bed that night, but basically I didn't want to find out.) Jeremy was at work so I had to lug both boys down to children's hospital at midnight by myself.

The boys are fine now (though they both did have ear infections.) However, I'm pretty wiped (we got there at midnight, didn't get home till four am, and both boys were up at nine.)

I know you guys are understanding, I just didn't want you to worry. I'm hoping to get at least one if not two posts up this week, but Cayden's graduation is Friday and we also have friends coming in from out of town, so worst case scenario posting will resume next week and I'm hoping with the better weather, none of us will be sick for awhile.

Not really sure how to feel about it

"I kissed Matt." I blurted out to Sunny.

She had come into work that morning, back from her honeymoon, looking tan and in love. I had listened to her gush about how great the trip was, and then she dived into work, while I pretended to work and really freaked out over the fact that I knew I had to tell her everything that went on when she was gone and that she'd most likely be upset about most of it.

"You what?" She said, turning to me slowly in her office chair.

"I mean it wasn't a real kiss. It was just on his forehead. I...." I was speaking too quickly. I took a deep breath. "Let me start at the beginning."

I talked about how Steph had come into town, how we had fought. I told her about running into John at her house - which she cringed at - and then how Matt and I had fought and then how he skipped class and I busted in on him at his house.

"He was just laying there and he looked so cute and so..." I trailed off. "I mean I like him Sunny."

"Oh Lanie. This is not good at all. First of all, you should have called me!"

"You were on your honeymoon! I wasn't going to bust in all 'hey I have a problem!'"

"That's what friends are for, and it's not like you were dealing with a minor crises. You got hit pretty hard. Look, about Steph... I don't like her. You know this, and I'm not going to bad mouth her because she is still your family. But, I think she's jealous and that she wants to claim all the pain for herself and have people feel sorry for her. I'm not saying you should give up on her, but... I'm going to say this and you can't get mad, alright?" She looked at me seriously. I nodded.

"I think you chase relationships you know are unattainable. I mean you keep trying wit Steph, even though ever since your Uncle died she's always kept you at a distance. You fell for John even though the whole time he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship, and now you're moving on to Matt, who at the very least isn't going to hook up with you and then dump you, but he's been very clear on where he stands."

"I don't know. Maybe you're right. But there's also the fact that it's not like this place is booming with choices. Maybe I'm just falling for what's available."

"Have you talked at Matt at all since? I mean did you freak him out or how did he respond?" Sunny asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"He was sleeping, or so I thought. He woke up and smiled at me when I did it. But no, I haven't talked to him. Maybe he won't even remember? I don't know. I guess I should check on him. I told him I would. Should I call him or...."

"Text him. Keep it simple." Sunny said.

I picked up my phone. 'Hey. How ya feeling?' I typed. I hit send before I could change my mind, and then I threw my phone in my drawer.

"You always do that." Sunny said, laughing. "You know you'll get a text whether or not it's hidden, right?"

"I know, but this way I don't obsess over it."

"Hey... I am sorry, about not telling you John was watching the house. I didn't think you'd have a reason to go over there... I just felt sort of weird about it. I mean he screwed you over and I have the guy watching my place." Sunny examined an end piece of her hair, avoiding eye contact with me.

"It's fine." I said, waving her off. "Seriously. We're not in third grade and nobody has to pick sides. John was Noah's friend. I understand."

With that, we went back to work, and I didn't allow myself to check my phone until lunch. I finally caved at lunch and was relieved to see that I did have a blinking light.

Matt: I live! Going out for drinks tonight wanna come?

"He wants to meet for drinks!" I said, showing Sunny my phone. She frowned at it.

"Don't get too excited. That just means he either doesn't remember what happened, or he wasn't freaked out by it."

I shot her a look. "Thanks, Debbie Downer."

"I'm not trying to down you, I'm trying to ground you. I don't want you to get your hopes up and have them dashed to floor."

Matt and I made plans to meet up later, after work, and I used the rest of my lunch break to run home to make myself actually look presentable. Sunny rolled her eyes at me when I told her where I was going, but honestly even if I hadn't been crushing on Matt, I still probably would have made the mad dash home.

We arranged to meet at the same bar I had fought with Steph in. I arrived a few minutes before our scheduled meeting time and knew I'd be the first one to arrive. Normally I hated being the first and probably would have hung back in the car for a few more minutes, but I decided a drink to calm my nerves was exactly what I needed.

The place was more lively than the last time I had been, but not exactly crowded either. I scanned the bar for Matt - he's pretty hard to miss - and not seeing him, I sat down at a table. The waitress came by and took my order, and a few minutes later a guy approached my table.

"Hey... Are you waiting for Matt too?" I looked up, and it was his friend from the last time. My heart sank a little - this wasn't a single thing. But Matt did say he was going out for drinks so...

"Yeah, you too?" I said. "Sit down. Chris, right?"

He sat. "Yeah, Lanie?"

I nodded. "I owe you an apology - about last time. It's pretty embarassing. Normally I don't act like that."

He waved me off. "I have cousins too. And siblings. Family is complicated. You're supposed to love them all the time but sometimes you just want to shoot them."

I laughed. "Yeah. That's right."

The waitress came back at this point, bringing my drink and taking Chris' order. Just as she walked away, my phone buzzed.

Matt: Sorry, not feeling well again. Can't make it. I frowned.

"That was Matt. He cancelled."

"Oh well... Do you have anywhere to be? I mean, at least finish your drink wit me?" He asked, pointing to my full bottle.

I felt weird about it - I wasn't great with new people. But even though things with Chris had been weird the first time, he put me at ease. He took control of the conversation, which I appreciated, and he made me laugh. I also noticed what a nice smile he had, and soon one beer turned into two, and then three, and then I was sipping on some water and we were still talking.

"I better go." I said, glancing at my cell phone. "Mornings come early."

He nodded, and waved the waitress over. Despite my protests, he paid, and then he stood. "Let me walk you to your car."

We stood at y car, a little awkwardly.

"I have a confession to make." He said, looking down. "I asked Matt to set this up. I wanted to talk to you more and last time didn't end so well."

"Oh..." I said trailing off. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was flattering that someone would do something like that to talk to me, but I couldn't shake the disappointment I felt that Matt was trying to set me up with someone else.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked.

Again, I felt put on the spot. I'm sure some girls would have considered it romantic to ask for permission, but I just felt like I had to say yes. So I nodded, and he reached up to touch my face and lowered his lips to mine. I was surprised with how soft and warm his lips were.

He pulled away slowly. "I'll let you go. I'll call you, OK?"

I just nodded and then got into my car. I sat, watching him walk away, realizing that I never gave him my number. I was about to call him back to tell him that but then realized that he'd probably just get it from Matt.

I wondered if he'd tell Matt about the kiss.

It was only just a dream?

I hadn't expected to fall asleep. I had felt wired before I laid down, so I had planned on making sure Matt was asleep and then extracting myself and heading home.

However, the next thing I realized, I was waking up. Matt was still asleep, an arm firmly around me. I studied his face for a minute - the flush of his cheeks, the way his eyelashes rested on his cheek, the slight bump in his nose, the fullness of his lips... I reached up and touched his face - I was telling myself I was checking for a fever, but I knew differently - and then I ran my hand through his hair. His eyes fluttered, and I snatched my hand back.

"Hello there." He said, his words full of sleep.

"Hey. I was getting ready to go. You feeling any better."

"Yeah." He said. And then he seemed to notice our closeness and pulled back a little. I took this as my cue to sit up. "You don't have to go. I mean it's late. You can just stay in my bed. I'll crash on the couch."

"No, I really should go. Work and such in the morning and it's Sunny's first day back and I don't want to be late." Was it me or was there a hint of disappointment on his face?

"OK. Well... I wanted to apologize for how I reacted to you and John. If you two are going to hook up or whatever, it's none of my business. I just don't want to see you get hurt. But you can make your own choices." Matt said. He wouldn't look at me, staring off instead at the TV.

I laughed - I couldn't help myself. "That's what that was about? Trust me, we aren't hooking up. After I left the bar I realized I had no place to stay. I figured I could use the spare key and stay at Sunny and Noah's for the night. I hadn't realized they had asked John to watch the place. I didn't call him, and if I knew he had been there, I would have gone some place else. We talked and then I left."

"You didn't stay with John?" He asked, looking confused.

"No. That would have been the last thing I needed that night. More drama. I went and slept in my office."

He laughed, and then started couging. I reached over and rubbed his back lightly. "Do you need some water?" I asked.

He shook his head. His coughing fit finished. "That must have sucked."

"It did. That whole night was a mess. How about you? Spend the night with Steph?"

Matt turned a little red.

"Ooooh." I teased, trying to hide my hurt feelings. "Someone did spend the night with someone."

"Not like that." Matt said. "I don't do that. She was upset. I was just... I jumped to conclusions with you and John, got angry with you, and left you for someone I had just met a few days prior. It's embarassing."

I shrugged. "That night was pretty... Intense. I was mad, but things happen. How was Steph?"

"It's obvious she cares a lot about you. She's just hurt by the whole situation. She feels like you think you loved her Dad more because you took over."

"I've never said anything of the sort." I said, feeling my defenses rise.

"I know. I think she knows that too. I think sometimes when people are in painful situations they look for someone to blame. Her Dad isn't here to blame anymore and so..."

"I don't think we'll ever get over it."

"Maybe." Matt said. "Anyway..." He trailed off.

"You should lay back down. You're looking pale again." I said.

"Nobody's ever taken care of me like this." Matt said as I covered him with a blanket.

"It's not a big deal." I said, going into the kitchen to grab him a cold gatorade. "I'll swing by after work and check on you. See how you're doing. Call me if you want me to bring anything."

Matt didn't answer, and as I walked back into the living room, I saw the reason - he was already passed out. I set the gatorade on the table next to him and studied his face for a minute. He looked so young, so peaceful, and I couldn't help myself, I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

Matt's eyes fluttered open, and my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, worried about what his reaction might be. He smiled, and his eyes closed again.

I left, hoping in the morning he wouldn't remember.

To be honest

There's a new post below.

I wasn't going to do a whatever post for this week, just because I'm so far behind on things (the blog and real life things.) But then I decided to take a second and be honest so you guys are aware of what's going on.

The blog is not and will not be a top priority to me. It kind of kills me to say that, because I remember when the blog was a huge priority to me, and I had posts written way ahead of time and everything was on schedule. I feel guilty saying that because I know a lot of people like to read it (and I really do appreciate it!) but the fact is, there's just not enough time in the day for it to be a priority, and when I do get some me time... Well I don't usually feel like writing.

I think I've mentioned before that I watch my neighbors two kids during the day. It's been far harder than I imagined it would be. I knew going from two kids to four would be harder, obviously, but I've watched more before (my friend has six kids, and I have baby-sat five of hers with two of mine.) I don't want to talk badly about anyone, but one of her children is a handful to say the least, and nothing she or I do seems to help the behavior. He is young, I get it, but it's very trying. I also think his behavior affects my kids behavior. My kids are NO perfect, and certainly have their own moments of terror, but it seems to get worse when he is around. Eli is also becoming a bit of a terror and I can't say it's not just his personality (and his age, as we're heading into three territory, and I hate the threes), but part of me does wonder if he wouldn't be so bad if the other child wasn't around.

I don't know if it's the weather, or if it's the fact that they're tired of being inside after a long winter (we'll get a day of awesome weather followed by flurries and cold rain.) But it seems like they've been especially on the rampage lately. I've decided I need to sit down with Jeremy and we really need to hammer our a concrete list of punishments and rewards and then follow through with them.

Anyway, on top of being sick last week, I feel like I've been running non-stop, putting out fires and dealing with trying to catch up on all the stuff that didn't get done when I was sick. You guys have been nothing but understanding and I really appreciate that, but I just wanted to let you know that I am trying to keep up - but it is hard. I was hoping to get the second post up this weekend to catch up from what I missed, but I just found out I'll have both kids this weekend again. So please, just bear with me.

Sickness

I woke up the next morning with a stiff neck. Well, kind of. I wasn't even sure if I could say I woke up, because I'm not sure I slept for more than an hour. After leaving Sunny and Noah's house, I drove around aimlessly for awhile, trying to talk myself in to going to my Mom's house. I just couldn't make myself do it. I knew she'd ask why I wasn't staying at my house and I just didn't have it in me to lie, nor did I have it in me to listen to the lecture on family. I could have gone to the Mo's house and I'm sure they would have welcomed me, but it was late and I would have still been opening myself up to a lecture.

So. I slept in my office chair. It hadn't been comfortable, and I wasn't used to the noises of the place late at night. My brain also hadn't shut down and I alternated between wanting to call Matt and picturing him with Steph and getting extremely angry.

"Oh!" Mona woke me up by yelling. I opened my eyes to see her hand clutched to her chest. "You nearly gave me a heart attack. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah." I said, rubbing the knot in my neck that I feared was permanent. "I crashed here last night."

"I see." She said, raising an eyebrow. "Any particular reason why?"

"No." I said in voice sharper than I meant. A look of hurt briefly flashed across Mona's face, and I softened. "I'm sorry. I just didn't sleep well last night. We've got another long day ahead of us so let's get this show on the road, huh?"

Mona pursed her lips and I could tell she wanted to say something. She shook her head as if she thought better, but turned back after she started to exit. "You and your cousin fighting would have broken your Uncle's heart." She stood, clearly expecting a response.

I knew what she said was meant to make me feel bad, or at least make me think, but my first reaction was a white hot anger. "Then maybe he shouldn't have left." I responded.

I didn't bother to look at Mona, I just turned to my computer to start checking my emails.

I purposefully left my phone in my desk for the day. I was convinced that I'd return to a blinking light of missed calls or texts from Matt, or John or mabe even Steph, but at the end of a long day there was nothing. No one called, no one texted, no non-business related emails. I didn't even have any alerts from facebook. I didn't think my mood could have gotten any worse, but it had.

I went home to an empty apartment. No note from Steph, just my extra key lying on the kitchen counter. I had plans to make myself dinner, but was so tired and fed up with how the day went, I just crawled into bed.

The week didn't get any better. I realized at some point that it was a me problem, and I needed to find some way to pull myself out of the funk I was in, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I'd never speak to Steph again, but I did realize that I was still angry and that any sort of conversation was just going to end up in an argument. I wasn't going to contact John. That was a situation I wasn't going to involve myself in. I wasn't dumb enough to convince myself we could just be friends again, and I also knew that I'd never be able to trust any sort of relationship after what he did to me. Matt... Well I wanted to contact Matt. And that hellacious week, I picked up my phone to do so at least a hundred times. But... What was I supposed to say? I really didn't think I had done anything wrong with Steph, and I didn't know why he had reacted the way that he had to me being with John - it's not as if I had called him, I hadn't even known he would be at Sunny's. I also wasn't sure where our friendship was going to go. He made it clear he didn't want a relationship and I knew I was developing feelings for him. I didn't know whether those feelings were real, or if I was just searching for a replacement for John, but I did know I wasn't eager to fall for someone who could't make a commitment to me. Again.

I was eager for Sunny to come home. I knew things needed to change, I just didn't know how or what. I wanted her home so I could talk through it with her. But I had one last meeting with Matt to get through before she was due to come back. One I was both dreading and was oddly excited for. Then Matt texted me.

My heart flipped when my phone beeped and I looked down to see his name. Was he going to ask to talk after? Maybe grab a drink again?

Matt: Can't make it tonight. Class is cancelled.

I got the text first thing in the morning. I spent all day writing - and deleting - responses to him. None of them seemed right. I left it alone, but I could feel my aggrivation building, and even though I had plans to go right home after work (because let's be honest, where else was I going to go?) I found myself pulling up in front of Matt's house. And then I found myself knocking on his door. And when he opened the door, I found myself going off.

"You want to be angry with me, fine Matt. That's fine. But those kids don't deserve to be punished because you're not talking to me. I gave up my time in order to be there for them, as a favor to you, and now I'm committed to them and I would have thought you would be too." I turned to go, but he grabbed my arm.

"Whoa there sparky. Who said I wasn't talking to you?" He asked.

"The fact that I haven't heard from you in a week?" I said, turning back to face him.

"The phone works in two ways you know." He said. Then he started coughing.

I looked at him and noticed his red nose, pale face, and the bags under his eyes.

"You're sick." I said, reaching up to him to touch his forehead. "You have a fever."

"I know. It's why I cancelled today." Despite his sickness, he smiled a half smile.

"I'm so sorry. Can I get you anything?"

"I'm fine." He said. Then he sneezed. "Excuse me." He said, pulling out a piece of paper towel from his pocket and turning to blow his nose.

"If you use those for your nose, you're going to rub it raw. Have you taken any medicine?" I asked. He shook his head no, and I clicked my tongue. "Go lay down. I'll be back." I said, turning to leave.

I went to the store and grabbed some esstentials and headed back to Matt's. He let me in, and shuffled back to the couch.

"You don't have to do this, you know." He said, plopping down on the couch.

"I know. I want too." I said. I tossed him a gatoraide and a box of kleenex, and then poured him a dose of Nyquil. "Here. Take this." I said, walking it over to him.

"Yes Mother." He mocked, but he drank it down.

"You hungry? I got soup. I also got cough drops. I mean I can go, but if you want me to stay in case you need anything..." I trailed off.

"There is one thing I need, but it might sound weird." He said. His voice already sounded drowsy and almost child like.

"Sure. What can I do?"

"Cuddle me? I'm so cold."

I froze for a moment, but then Matt pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over him, patting a spot beside him. I hesitated for a moment, and then gave in. I slipped off my shoes, crawled in next to him, and snuggled in to his chest.

I skipped a week. I've been hit woth some sort of out of the blue stomach thi g (which jer thinks os food poisoning since outside of one throw up incident from cayden nobody else is sick) I sat up for ten minutes today and had to then go take a four hour nap. I'm hoping I wake up better tomorrow as this has already dragged on too long but I promise when it does go away ill make up whatever posts I missed. Sorry guys I didn't even see this ome cpmi ng.