You numb me

I had been exhausted, but the second I laid down on Matt’s bed, I became wired. It didn’t help, of course, that I was surrounded by Matt. His clothes, his smell, his things… It made the feelings that I had had all morning rush at me full speed, and as soon as I laid down, I popped right back up.

Still, I didn’t want to go back downstairs. I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like socializing – not that I was any good at it. I had never really had to be. I grew up in the same small town my whole life, with built in friends, and then when I got older, Sunny was always there to help me. The only time I had been alone was college, and I had had a social butterfly as a roommate, and then had been called home. I could often do OK at faking it, if I had too, but I just wasn’t in the mood now to try, and I didn’t want to be the party’s Debbie Downer.

I started poking around Matt’s room. I told myself I wasn’t snooping, because I wouldn’t open any drawers, but I guess I kind of was. I looked in his open closet at his clothes, the pictures he had on his desk, and then sat down on his bed and glanced over at his night stand.

Next to a pair of folded up reading glasses was a book. I picked it up and laughed out loud. Matt was seriously reading The Hunger Games? And from the look of his bookmark, he was pretty far in. Wasn’t this a book for teenaged girls? What was Matt doing reading it? Since I had nothing better to do, I settled back into his pillows, and started at the beginning.

I don’t know why Matt started reading the book. But I know why he was so far into it – I got sucked in and completely lost track of time.

“You were supposed to be sleeping.” A voice said, and I jumped a mile in the air.

“I couldn’t fall asleep. And I stumbled across your dirty little secret. Care to explain this?” I asked, smirking, holding up the book.

To my surprise, Matt turned red. “We, uh, started a book club with the teens. I have to read along with them so I know what’s going on. We’re doing books based on movies and their reward for finishing is that we see the movie. I have to do it. For work.” He said.

“Oh really? You’re pretty far ahead according to the syllabus I found.” I said, fanning through the pages. I had found a syllabus outlining their reading assignments stuck in the middle of the first chapter. I had then figured out why he was reading it – but he was almost finished with the book, while the assignment said they only needed to be within the first three chapters.

“I just want to be ahead in case something comes up and I can’t read for awhile.” He was still read. “Now can I please have my book back?”

“I dunno.” I said, looking at it. “Since you’re so far ahead maybe I’ll just borrow your copy. I’m pretty into it myself. You won’t need it back for a while.”

“Lanie…” Matt said, walking towards me slowly. “I want my book.”

“Here.” I said, holding it out to him. As he reached for it, I pulled it back. “Just kidding.” I said, smiling up at him.

“Oh it’s going to be like that, huh?” He asked, his redness fading into a smile. “OK, you wanna play rough…” He trailed off and turned to go, and I figured he was giving up when all of a sudden he turned back, ran towards me, and fell on top of me trying to lunge for the book. Even though he surprised me, I managed to hold it up and away from him.

“Just admit that you like the book Matt, and you can have it.” I said, trying to wrestle to keep the book away from him. “Say ‘I like this book that is geared towards thirteen year old girls.’ And it’s yours.”

“I told you I’m reading it for work!” He said, trying to grab my arms to pin me. I wiggled away from him.

“Uh huh, you started it for work, but you love it now, don’t lie.” I said. We were full on wrestling now, Matt on top of me, trying to both pin me and grab for the book, me wiggling underneath him, trying to keep the book away from him and not allow myself to be pinned.

Then it happened. He did some sort of ninja warrior move and managed to somehow snare both of my wrists with one hand. With his other hand, he plucked the book from me.

“Aha! Now you must be punished. Tell me I’m the best.” He said, holding me down.

“I’m not saying that! You’re reading teen chick lit for Christs’ sake.” I said, laughing.

“Oh, you want to disobey me? Fine. Punishment time.” And then he tickled me.

I, like most females I know, am insanely ticklish. The second the thought entered my head that he might tickle me, I started laughing – that’s how ticklish I am. And when his fingers actually touched me, I went insane.

“OK! OK! You’re the best!” I yelled inbetween giggles.

“What? I can’t hear you. Try, Matt you are insanely smart, incredibly talented, cute, and I am your humble servant.”

“Matt, you are insane.” I said, and then was punished with more tickles. “OK! OK! You’re insanely smart, incredibly talented, cute, and I am your humble servant.” I yelled out.

He stopped, and I gasped for air. Still smiling, I looked up at him. And suddenly it became very unfunny, and very serious. He was watching me, and I felt the same pull I had felt the other night when he dropped me off. Only this time, I really couldn’t break eye contact. I was both hopeful and incredibly scared for what was about to happen next.

He tilted his head to one side, and wet his lips. And then…

“Is she out? She used to be so hard to wake up.” Steph said, bursting into the room. Matt quickly rolled off to the side. “Oh, I’m sorry, was I interrupting something?” She asked, looking from me to Matt.

“No. I was just making fun of Matt for his choice in books.” I said, trying to get my breathing under control. “How was the game?”

“Good. Matt was just offering to take me out for a drink and show me all the new stuff that’s popped up since I left. You wanna come with us?” Steph asked.

I couldn’t even look at Matt. “Um, no. I’m still really tired so if it’s OK…”

“It’s fine.” Steph said quickly. “I mean, Matt, you can drop me back off at Lanie’s place, right?”

Matt nodded. “Yeah. No problem.”

I left Matt’s place shortly thereafter and decided what I really needed was some comfort food. I ordered some fried chicken from a little Mom and Pop shop and decided to go home, stuff my ace, and pass out. I did not want to know what time Steph came home. I did not want to hear about what she and Matt did. I did not want to talk about Matt or think about Matt. I was pretty sure I was just replacing all the angst from John with Matt, and I was worried that I would do something to ruin our friendship – which I felt was really good at this point.

My plan, however, did not work. After eating, I laid in bed. Unable to fall asleep, I decided to download the hunger games onto my Kindle and finish reading. I figured if Steph did come home, I could pretend to be asleep, but I was so absorbed in my book, I didn’t hear her come in until she poked her head in my door.

“Oh good, you’re still up.” She said, coming in and sitting on the edge of my bed.

“Yeah. I was getting ready to hit the hay.” I said, putting my kindle down. “How was everything?” I asked, because I knew I had too.

“Fun. Matt’s cute. Are you into him?” She asked. “Because earlier you all looked…”

“We’re just friends. Matt doesn’t date.” I said. I wasn’t quite sure why I added that last part in, but I did.

“We’ll see.” She said, with a smile that I didn’t like.

“You like him?” I asked, unable to help myself. “I mean that’s cool, but you’ll be leaving soon…”

She shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t really have a reason to stay where I’m at anymore. Coming home I thought might be painful. But Matt gave me the tour and it seemed like the town’s changed enough that I wouldn’t be running into memories every other step. Matt said he wanted to show me his work – maybe there would be something for me there. Anyway. I don’t know.” She shrugged. “He is really cute though, isn’t he?”

Now it was my turn to shrug. I desperately wanted to change the subject. “I wanted to show him Dad’s place, but the spare key wasn’t where it usually is.” She said.

…For someone who didn’t want to run into memories, going to the place you grew up with your dead Father seemed like jumping into the sea of memories. I raised an eyebrow. “We rent it now. Sunny thought it’d be a good idea instead of just letting it sit empty.” “Oh.” Steph said, pursing her lips. “Of course she did.”

“Anyway.” I said, avoiding the subject. Steph and my relationship was strained. Sunny and Steph’s relationship was explosive. “I better hit the hay. Bright and early tomorrow at the shop. Are you coming with me?”

“I don’t know. Being in the shop earlier was really painful. You’ve changed so much…”

“I haven’t really changed anything, Steph.” I refrained from adding in that had we sold the shop like she had wanted too, everything probably would have changed, or asking her why it wasn’t painful to visit a place where you grew up with your father with a guy you just met, but going to his shop with a person who used to be your best fried was. “The tables are different.”

“Same tables. I refinished the chairs because they were ripping.”

“I don’t know.” She said, looking away. “It’s just hard.”

“Well. It’s up to you. But tomorrow is the class I teach with Matt, so I’m going to be late and you’ll be on your own.”

She looked at me. “Oh. Maybe I’ll stop by then. He spoke so highly of those kids. I would love to meet them.”

I literally bit my tongue to keep from saying anything. “Goodnight Steph.”

Whatever Wednesday: I'm grumpy

This week finds me in a bad mood I can't seem to shake. I'm also absolutely exhausted and I have no idea why. We went out of town Sunday and I didn't get a lot of sleep the night before, and it was a lot of driving/activities in one day, so I don't know if that just set me up for a bad week, or if it's possibly the weather and how it still looks/feels like January when it's almost April.

I've got nothing done this week. My house is a wreck, I haven't touched Cayden's homework, the laundry is backed up and the only reason the dishes are done is because Jeremy did them. I have only one real reason to be bummed,and it's not that serious. I want to get back on the health kick again, and so I decided to sign up for this glo run (it's a run/walk at night with glow in the dark shirts and sticks, ect.) Jeremy was supposed to take the evening off work to watch the boys while I did it with some friends, but because he had to take work off for his Dad, he now can't. My Mom won't give me a straight answer on whether she can or can't. My sister says she'll try to get the day off, but it is short notice (the walk is next week) and it's hard for her to get time off work. I don't feel comfortable just hiring a random sitter or even asking a random friend because the walk is at night and whoever has the boys would have to put them to bed, and so... It looks like I might have to cancel. Not the end of the world, but I am sad about it. Here's hoping my Mom can come through.



Here's some pictures from St. Patty's day. We were supposed to go to the parade but it was REALLY cold, so we stayed home, except for our trip to see the Easter bunny: (they look thrilled, don't they?)



We DID get some sunshine on Saturday though, so I let the boys run around in the back yard because they are definately experiencing cabing fever:



And then Sunday we went to Cleveland on Sunday to visit Cayden's best friend who moved up there:



Those pictures were mostly taken at the childrens museum in Cleveland. Funny story: In the sand pictures, Eli is up on the crate because he refused to touch the sand with his body (see the picture where I put him in the sand and he's crying? He refused to move, just stood there and cried.) He would also FLIP if anyone put sand on him - he'd fling it off with his hand yelling "all wet! Is all wet!" (it was't wet.) Then there's another picture where they're painting and he has paint on his eye - Eli has become obsessed with my makeup. If he's being quiet I can safely assume he's snuck into my room and is applying makeup. He saw the paint and I guess thought it looked like makeup and decided to "do" his eyes.

Alright. There will be a post up. Hopefully by Friday - I'm having people over for Easter on Sunday and I have* to get my house in order. This was probably the worst week to lose my motivation. If you guys find it anywhere could you let me know?

That's what I'm afraid of

(My bad! I went to run errands and completely forgot to post this until just now. Sorry!) I was standing in the middle of Slice of Life when there was a huge bang! The building shook and I heard some of the pans in the back rattle and clang to the ground. There was another bang and one of the walls started to break. I was frozen in the spot, confused. I couldn’t figure out what was happening or what to do. I heard someone – Matt maybe? Calling my name. There was one more bang and…

I woke up with a start. I was at home, on the couch – not at the shop. The banging was coming from the front door. I rubbed my eyes and slowly sat up. My body was sore – a combination of sleeping on the sofa and dancing the night before. My mouth was dry, my hair was a mess, and I was so groggy. I shuffled over to the door and opened it up, planning on giving the person on the other side a piece of my mind. I hadn’t been able to fall asleep until about five am – every noise in the apartment caused my eyes to open and my body to freak out. It was the first time I had been scared in this place – and I really had had no reason to be.

“Oh wow.” Matt said, hiding a smirk. “Rough night? I didn’t think you drank that much.”

“Shut up.” I mumbled. “What are you doing here?”

“I said I’d take you to pick up Sunny’s car, remember? I tried to call but your phone was off.”

“It must have died.” I mumbled. It was cold, and I pulled Matt’s jacket tighter around me.

…Matt’s jacket. Fuck. I had put in on last night right before I had fallen asleep. I had been cold and a little lonely and now… How was I supposed to explain why I was wearing it? Should I just try to take it off before he noticed? “Like my jacket, huh?” He said with a smirk.

Too late.

“I put it back on when I answered the door.” I lied. It didn’t make much sense, but oh well. “Come inside. It’s freezing. Have you eaten?” I said. I shrugged off his jacket and handed it back to him.

“I actually brought you breakfast.” He said, handing me a bag. “There’s a place around the corner that makes the best bagels.”

“Thanks.” I said, and got to work slicing and toasting. Matt sat at the counter, watching me. It reminded me of when I sat watching John make me dinner. I shook my head, hard.

“You alright?” Matt asked, looking at me with his head cocked.

“I’m good.” I said, setting a plate down in front of him and turning to get some orange juice. “I just… Long night.”

“Why’s that? I mean just the John stuff?”

“Yeah. And I’m not really used to being here alone. It creeped me out a little.”

Matt nodded. “After Ella left for that job, I was living in the house alone. It wasn’t that I was scared, but being alone in the house at night, when everything was quiet, made me feel so… Lonely. And small. I don’t know. It sounds stupid to say now.”

“No. I get it. That was it. Anyway, I thought about maybe getting another roommate, but.. I don’t know. I feel a little too old for a roomie. It doesn’t matter. My cousin is actually randomly coming into town so she’s staying with me for a bit. Maybe it’ll help me ease into living alone again. I used to like living alone.” I looked away, feeling tears start to crawl up the back of my throat and make their way to my eyes. I swallowed hard. “Hey, speaking about my cousin, you care if she comes later?”

“No. More the merrier. It’ll make it less of a sausage fest.”

“Well.” I said, standing and brushing the crumbs off the front of my shirt. “I’ll get dressed and we’ll go. Cool?”

“Yeah.” Matt said. Our eyes met, and for a moment I don’t think it was physically possible to move. A beat passed, then another, and finally one of us, I’m not sure who, blinked, and the moment was gone.

“Clothes.” I said, awkwardly. “I’ll be right back.”



I was back at home, Sunny’s car safe in our parking lot, with no more awkward moments from Matt. I was waiting on Stephanie to show, but honestly I was half hoping that she wouldn’t want to go to Matt’s. I wasn’t sure what was going on with him and I, but I knew it wasn’t good. He didn’t date, and I wasn’t sure if I had real feelings for him or if I was just looking for a replacement for John. I didn’t want to use him like that.

When she knocked on the door, I found myself more nervous than I expected to be. I opened the door and I couldn’t help it, my mouth dropped open.

Steph had always been cute. But it was in a little girl type of way. It’s not like her Dad made her dress in a way, or was strict, it’s just that Steph looked like a little girl. She was short, and small, and had young features. However, she didn’t look so young anymore. She was in boots that had at least a four inch heel on them that made her legs look longer than they actually were, jeans that were tight and hugged curves I hadn’t realized she had had, and I couldn’t see what was on under her coat, but it was form fitting, and again, showed off curves. She had her hair curly – which was the same as usual, except instead of it being a puff ball of frizz, it was controlled. And her makeup – she had never worn make up before, but now her eyes were outlined, making them look bigger and… Well, sexy.

“Wow!” I said, unable to help myself. “You look great!”

“You don’t look so bad either. Can I come in? It’s kind of cold out here.”

“Oh sure. I’m sorry.” I said, moving aside to allow her to get by. She tugged a huge suitcase after her, which make my eyebrows jump. It looked like more than a few days worth of stuff. “Go ahead and set your stuff in Sunny’s room. You know where it is.” I said.

“The place looks great, Melanie.” She said, coming back from Sunny’s old room and sitting on the sofa. “Thanks so much for letting me stay here.”

“No problem. But I’m not sure what’s going on?”

She waved her hand. “Boy troubles. You know. We broke up, I wanted to get away, had some vacation time, thought I’d swing by and check things out. No biggie.”

“Oh.” I said, unsure of what else to say. I hadn't even known she had been seeing anyone. We sat in silence for a few moments, the clock making the only sound between us. I suddenly as rethinking my position on Matt’s party – anything to have more people around us. “What do you want to do? You feel like going out?”

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”



That’s how we ended up at Matt’s. Call me fickle, but the second we knocked on the door, I wanted to turn around and leave. Steph had changed into what she called more “sporty” gear, and I had decided to follow suit, pulling out my old Ohio State jersey (even though I wasn’t sure what game we were watching, exactly, I figured I’d rock the one sports team we had.) However Steph made sporty look sexy, where as I made sporty look like your 12 year old little sister who was still in her tom-boy phase. Matt hadn’t said to bring anything, but I had swung by the shop and threw a few pizzas together and picked up some beer. I was holding the pizzas awkwardly, while Steph only carried the beer. It figured, she looked like a hot chick from a beer commercial.

Matt threw open the door. “Hey! You made it.” He took the pizza from me. “And you brought food, awesome. Is this the cousin?” He asked, looking at Steph. I watched his eyes take her in, and tried not to crawl out of my skin.

“I’m the cousin!” She said. “We come bearing pizza and beer!”

“Awesome. Come on in and meet everyone.”

Matt threw a lot of names at me quickly, and I didn’t take any of them in. They were all men, all around Matt’s age, but a few older. The TV was on and too loud, and though I usually did enjoy basketball when I watched it before, I couldn’t stop watching Stephanie.

She worked the party easily. Mingling. She did not stick to my side, and instead floated around, introducing herself, talking, and laughing. This stuff was always so easy for her – she was always able to make new friends easily and fit in quickly. I would be a liar if I said this never made me jealous – it did – but more so, it left me in awe. I remember growing up, watching her, hoping to pick up on some of her tricks. Now I just watched her in amazement. I could feel my skin prickle when she talked to Matt – lightly touching his arm and tossing her hair. It was classic signs of flirting, but she had done it with several other party goers, I couldn’t be sure if maybe that’s just how she was.

After a while, she left Matt and moved on to someone else, and Matt came over and sat down next to me.

“You look tired. You didn’t have to come if you were tired.” He said, popping a chip in his mouth.

“I’m not tired.” I snapped. Then I corrected myself. “Sorry. I’m just… I guess I am tired. But Steph came and I didn’t want her stuck at the house while I slept.”

“She looks like she’s doing OK on her own.” Matt said, and I followed his gaze to where she know had a group of guys entertained.

“Yeah…” I said, trailing off.

“Anyway, why don’t you go crash on my bed for a little bit? Take a nap. I’ll come wake you when the game is over.”

“Yeah.” I said, suddenly feeling insanely tired. “Thanks. Tell Steph if she needs me.”

He nodded and waved me off. “She’ll be OK. I’ll watch out for her.”

I meant to have a post up yesterday, but there were some complications (my brother went back to the hospital, he's fine, but basically it really does never end)

Good news, George had both of his surgeries (they had to go in and fix his pacemaker) and he's doing OK.

Better news, I'm finishing the post and it will be up tonight at the latest.

However, in the meantime, I wanted to share this story I came across: http://www.parenting.com/blogs/show-and-tell/caroline-hallemann/girl-scouts?src=SOC&dom=fb

Basically, girl scouts were selling cookies to go to camp. They were told (as a "joke") that they landed this huge deal which allowed them to pay for camp AND make a donation to a homeless shelter. After they ordered the cookies, they were then told "Just kidding!" (apparently whoever pulled this joke missed the memo that jokes are supposed to be funny and not mean and hurtful, especially when dealing with CHILDREN.) And now the troop is stuck with all these cookies and unable to go to camp.

We can help them though. If you're in the Portland area, you can go buy their cookies (I mean win-win, you help them out AND have an excuse to buy more girl scout cookies. Mmm frozen thin mints) Even if you aren't in the area, you can buy a box (or ten) online and the will donate them to a homeless shelter (which is a win-win-win - you don't eat the cookies which saves your diet, you help these girls out, AND you make a homeless person smile when they get girl scout cookies.)

Drama, drama, drama

Do you guys ever feel like you're dealing with one issue after another all the time? I feel like we're constantly dealing with something. And you know, maybe it's just life, getting over every obstacle, but I'd sure like it if stuff took a break for a minute.

Let's take recent events. Last week I found out my cousin died. He was older than me and on my dad's side of the family, so we were not close. Even when I was close to my Dad's side of the family, he was older than me, so not a cousin I played with a lot (unlike a cousin I lost last year, who I remember when she was born and died in a very sudden and sad manner, leaving behind a 6 month old daughter.)

I wasn't sad per say. I mean I was sad for his family - my Uncle lost a son and my other cousins lost their brothers. But it's not like it personally affected me, per say. Only any time something like this happens with my Dad's family, I get sad for a whole other reason. We aren't close, for a variety of reasons: One, a lot of them have... Issues... that I choose not to be around. And secondly, when my grandma died, it's like they cut us out completely. They didn't really try to stay in touch, and I didn't really see them anymore. I was so young, so I felt like trying to stay in touch should have fallen on my Aunt and Uncle's shoulders, but they just didn't seem to care. I don't really think it was malicious, per say, because as I've gotten older and made the effort to reach out to them, they've always been nice but... Now it's just awkward. Too much time has passed and I just don't think we can make it up. When my Uncle died a few years ago, my heart was broken because I lost a chance and a connection to my Dad. He died when I was so young and I don't know much about him, but they do. And I'm losing it slowly and I continue to lose it every time I lose another member of that family.

Anyway. Anymore it's not soley their fault. I'm old enough to reach out to them now and I don't. It's weird and awkward and hard, but I could grow up and bite the bullet, and I just don't. But a death in the family means I go see them because I feel obligated - but I also feel hopeful that maybe this time... It'll work, and I'll feel like family. And so far, every time it's just been a reminder that nope. You still don't belong here.

The day after we found out my cousin had died, my brother ended up back in the hospital. Which is eerie, because he had his heart attack last year shortly after we found out that my younger cousin had been killed. It stressed me out, brought back memories of how we almost lost him, and it was a wreck. Luckily, he's OK - they just needed to play with his heart medication a little and he's good to go. His legal troubles, for the record, are also over. It didn't end in the best case scenario, but there's no jail time, so I guess it's not the worst case scenario either.

Then the boys got sick. They haven't really been sick all winter, so I suppose we had it coming. And they had it bad - no throwing up or anything like that, but they were both running high fevers and very lathargic. I'm probably a horrible Mom for saying this, but I kind of liked it. Don't get me wrong, I hated that they were sick, and fevers make me nervous, but they were so calm. It was nice to be able to have a day where we literally laid around and watched movies and cuddled all day.

So then things seem to die down, and I think, awesome. We're going to visit a friend in Cleveland on Sunday, and Easter is next Sunday and I'm having my family over so I have a lot to do - so calm is good. Except yesterday morning we wake up to a call from my Mother in law.

My father in law was at work. He works at home depot. He climbed a ladder to get some light bulbs down. He ended up falling. Details are still hazy - he broke his shoulder (first we were told it was broken in three places, and then last night I guess they looked at the x-rays and said it was broken in more than three.) He's lucky that's all he broke - especially considering the height he fell from, his age, his weight, his heart condition, ect. But, he's obviously in a lot of pain. He was supposed to have surgery today so Jeremy called off work to go be there annnnd now his pacemaker is acting up and they can't do the surgery.

All in all it's a frustrating situation. Jeremy's parents only have him to rely on, so we had to run up there yesterday to go pick up George's car at work and take it home, and we thought we were going to have to go to the hospital to drop off his CPAP machine, and today Jeremy took the day off work to go sit for his surgery only to find out it's not happening. It's not George's fault, or anything - I'm sure he would rather be at home himself - there is no one to blame. It's just a crappy situation. But Mary Anne doesn't drive, she says she can't find anyone to take her to the hospital or pick her up (I honestly don't know if she's tried) and she seems to think that Jeremy is available to her whenever - which just isn't the case. I'm willing to give him up when he's off, but he has to go to work and I think tomorrow she's likely to be very upset about this. (I'm also kind of laughing at the fact that we can't get her to just show up at fun functions like birthday parties, buuuuut we're expected to drop everything and schlep our two young kids to do her bidding when she needs it. I'm trying hard not to be bitter. It's not working.)

Anyway, if you guys could keep George in your thoughts, I'd appreciate it. I'm working on this weeks post and hope to finish it up after I get my crazy monsters to bed. (It's an hour and a half before their bedtime. Is it too early to put them to bed early?)

Surprise

I’d like to say I went back into the wedding and had an awesome time. I tried. I danced, drank more with Sunny, and I laughed. But, I was always aware where John was – even though I didn’t want to be, it’s as if I had some sort of radar. My body was just aware at all times, and every time it got within a certain radius of me, I felt myself tense up, wondering if he was going to try to say anything.

When he left, it also wasn’t a relief. I felt strangely disappointed when he didn’t try anything.

Shortly after John left, the party started to wind down, and Sunny and Noah went to leave. I hugged Sunny goodbye, feeling myself tear up unexpectedly.

“It’s not goodbye forever. I’m just going on my honeymoon. I’ll be back next week!” She jokingly chastised me, even though her own eyes were filling with tears.

“I know. But it’ll be different. I’m so happy for you, but it’ll still be different.”

She nodded, hugged me one last time, and then waved to the small crowd of people who were left, and got into the waiting car to take them to the hotel before they left for their honeymoon the next afternoon. Everyone else went back inside or headed to their cars, but I stood on the curb, watching them drive away.

“You alright?” Matt asked, once again dropping his jacket around my shoulders. I smiled.

“I hate to sound dramatic, but I’m a little sad.”

“Because of John? That’s understandable.”

“Not just because of John. I mean that’s certainly part of it. But… To sound really selfish, this wedding is changing my life. I mean it’s always been ‘Lanie and Sunny.’ Sometimes it was ‘Lanie and Sunny, and Sunny’s boyfriend.’ I left her for college for such a short period of time, but I’ve known her since birth practically and now… Now it’s Sunny and Noah.” I shrugged. “It sounds stupid saying it out loud. I know Sunny and I will still be friends, I love Noah just as much and I know they aren’t going to make me feel like a third wheel or anything. But it’s different now.”

He nodded. “That’s understandable too.”

We stood there for a moment, and then I yawned unintentionally.

“Sorry – it’s been a really long day. I suppose I should go inside and call a taxi and head home.”

“Don’t wait for a taxi. I’ll give you a lift.”

“Oh well. Thanks. I have to come back over here tomorrow to get Sunny’s car. I was supposed to drive it back to the apartment tonight but I think I’ve had too much to drink.”

“I’ll give you a lift if you want. Just give me a ring in the morning.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

He shrugged. “I know. But I have nothing better to do. Some buddies are coming over to watch the game. It might not be your thing but…” He shrugged again, and then cleared his throat. “I know after Ella I really needed to fill my time. I figured you might need to do the same, especially with Sunny being gone too.”

“Well thanks. Again.”

Suddenly things felt weird and formal and I wasn’t sure what to do. We stood there for a minute and then Matt cleared his throat again.

“Well. You ready now?”

“Sure.” I said, and I followed him to his car.

The ride home was a little awkward. Matt fiddled with the radio and we drove in mostly silence. When we arrived back at my place, he parked.

“I’ll walk you up.”

“You don’t have too, I’ll be OK.”

“It’s no problem.” He said, getting out of the car. “It’s late, I want to make sure you make it in OK.”

We stood awkwardly outside my door. “I just… Thanks. I know I keep saying it, but you’ve been really great. I’m not sure I would have made it through tonight without you...” I reached up and hugged him quickly. I could tell I caught him off guard, it took him a second to hug back – so I quickly pulled away, unlocked the door, and went inside. I slumped down on the couch, exhausted, but also strangely wired. I noticed then that I still had Matt’s coat on. Before I could stop myself, I lifted the sleeve to my arm and smelled.

“What are you doing?” I asked myself out loud. “Weirdo.”

I took off his jacket and hung it on the chair by the door, and then went to change into my PJs. The house was quiet – too quiet. It made me feel nervous and on edge. I didn’t like being alone anymore, and I knew I wouldn’t be getting any sleep. I grabbed a blanket and sat on the sofa, opening up my email. I hadn’t checked it all day, nor did I bother to carry my phone with me. Anyone who needed me would have been at the wedding.

I was surprised to see an email from my cousin. We didn’t talk much, and I hadn’t heard from her in a while. We tended to send each other emails to catch up every now and then. Not often enough to be close but… Honesty I would like to be closer to her, but it was as if she kept me just close enough so that she wasn’t completely cutting me out.

Hey, Is it OK if I maybe come see you for a couple of days? I just need a place to crash for a while and I’d like to see how Pop’s shop is doing. If the answer is no, I understand. If not… Well, I could be there tomorrow.

….Well. I had been wanting a distraction.

Instead of emailing her, I decided to text her,

Perfect timing. Sunny’s on honeymoon, have a spare bed. Feel free to stop by.

To have or not to have?

Someone asked me to continue doing Whatever Wednesdays, and I'd like too - I like mindlessly rambling and catching you up on random things and posting pictures of my insanely gorgeous (insanely crazy) boys.

Lately I've been thinking about a third child. Originally, when I was growing up, I always thought I'd have four kids. You know, back when you planned down to the tee what your grown up life would be, and you thought it would just magically turn out like that? (I'd get married, work for a few years, enjoy my husband, get pregnant, quit my job, have two boys and two girls - two sets of twins, naturally. We'd have a pretty nice house where the neighborhood kids would always hang out but were never annoying. Despite my house being the hang out spot, it was always clean, and I got a full nights sleep every night.)

Then I grew up, and you know, life happened. Babies are cute, sure. They're also loud, dirty, smelly, needy, expensive, germy, time consuming little things who don't even speak your language. Raising kids is hard - you're basically a slave only everyone wants to tell you that you should be happy about it because children are such a blessing.

Wait, this was a post about me wanting a third baby, right? Right. I'm sort of kidding about all of the above. I say sort of, because what I said is true - I don't think anyone realizes how hard having kids is until they have them (I know, I know, childless people HATE it when people say that. Sorry, but it's another being that is totally dependent on you for EVERYTHING and is also hell-bent on killing itself most of the time it's awake.) I guess my point is, after I had Cayden, it was hard, but I knew I still wanted a second. After having Elijah, though, things became a little murky - all I knew is that there most certainly would not be four. I told myself I didn't have to decide now, and that even if I DID decide, until I actually got pregnant I could always change my mind. I had time. Now I feel like that time is running out.

OK, I know people roll their eyes when I say time is running out. I don't mean that I'm getting old - because I'm not (Well, I am getting there, but I'm not there yet). I still probably have many baby making years left (I say probably because you never know, but I think it would be safe to make that assumption based on my age alone.)And technically, since Jeremy is a man, he has plenty of time left. But, he is older (36 this year) and he doesn't want to be almost 60 when his kid graduates high school.

There's also the fact that I already have kids, and I want them close-ish in age for a couple reasons: I was close in age with my brother and sister, and while we had some of the worst fights ever, we also had some of the best times ever. I also try not to judge other peoples parenting decisions, but one thing I just don't understand is why people choose to have a HUGE age gap in children. It's their lives of course (and I know sometimes it's not always planned) but I don't have any desire to get my children to a place where they are more independent and I have more free time, only to start all over again. Cayden is getting to a place where he is more independent. He's in school part time, and he might be starting school full time this fall (that's a decision we're still mulling over) He can go to the potty by himself, wipe his own butt (I mention this because this milestone is bigger than potty training, I think), get himself dressed. We're working on potty training Eli.

So basically, I feel like if we are going to have a third, we should have it soon. So, what's stopping me?

Money, for one. We can afford another - but it would mean making cuts. Not huge ones, but little things - things to some that might not matter (maybe taking less vacations, or less fancy vacations, things of that nature.)

Time. My family is just starting to be comfortable watching two kids at once. If we have a third, we'll probably never get any time alone together. And there is the fact that we are heading into independence land for the kids - we aren't quite there yet, but we're getting there. I'd be starting all over.

I'd be a liar if I said the sex of the baby didn't matter. It does. I love my boys, and it's not that I'd mind another boy, but I think it might kill me to have three boys. I'm not trying to make this into a "which sex is more difficult" debate - children are difficult no matter what. But my boys are your typical rough and tumble, high energy, get into all kinds of trouble boys. Two of them are a handful with Jeremy and I both with them. Three of them and we're outnumbered. (Though I could get a girl and she could totally end up being just as rough and tumble as my boys)

Basically, I have a long list of why I shouldn't have third baby. And only one reason to have one: I want one. I don't feel like we're done yet, and I can't imagine never being pregnant again, never holding my newborn baby for the first time... Ect.

This isn't a pregnancy announcement or anything - it's not even a "I'm tyring to have a baby!" announcement. It's just wondering... For those of you who have kids, what was your decision process like?

Some boys don't know how to love

***If you haven't been in a few days there's another new post below this one***


I froze, eyeing Sunny nervously. She looked at me, and I knew her eyes were asking me what I wanted her to do – if I wanted her to intercept or make an excuse on my behalf. But, I couldn’t do that to Sunny. This was her day and I wasn’t going to risk ruining it in any way.

I didn’t answer, I just nodded and took his outstretched hand as he led me to the dance floor. The song on was upbeat – which was good. I kept a safe distance and avoided looking at him or touching him. But of course, just like in the movies, it lasted all of thirty seconds before it faded out and was replaced with a slower beat. He hesitated for a moment, and I was just about to turn away from him when he pulled me to him.

Give me a second I need to get my story straight

He laughed. “Well, this is fitting.”

“What?” I asked, forcing myself to look up at him.

He nodded his head towards the speakers. “This song. Reminds me of you.” And then leaning down, his lips close to my ear, he softly sang, “My lover she is waiting for me just across the bar, my seats been taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar. I know I gave it to you months ago, I know you’re trying to forget. But between the drinks and subtle things, the holes in my apologies, I’m trying hard to take it back…”

I looked up, trying to process it – wondering exactly what he was trying to say, wondering how I should respond, when it hit me.

“You’re drunk John.” I waited a moment, for him to deny it, and when he just blinked at me, I continued. “You don’t get drunk.”

“Oh Mel, there are always exception to the rules.”

“Yeah, there are.” I said. My brain was overloaded, and my heart. My poor heart. “I better go.” I said pulling back from him.

“Lanie, don’t…” He started.

“No. Your girlfriend is here. She doesn’t know anyone else, you’re being rude. I’ll talk to you later, I’m sure.” I said. I turned and walked away.

Even though I wanted to go to Sunny, a glance in her direction told me she had seen nothing. Her head was buried in Noah’s shoulder, he was holding her close, rocking back and forth with his eyes closed, lost in the moment. I knew if I went over there, Sunny would understand. She wouldn’t mind the interruption – or at least she wouldn’t act or tell me she did. But I couldn’t interrupt that. Even though it hurt like hell now, I knew that eventually I would get over this and move on. But a wedding, that’s something Sunny was only going to get once, and I didn’t want to talk about her wedding in the future and reminisce about how John broke my heart and I cried on her shoulder. So I kept walking past Noah and Sunny and headed out the door. Fresh air would calm me down, and then I could reboot and continue on with my performance of a lifetime.

I got outside and leaned my head against the cool cement of the balcony, gulping in the fresh air. I will only cry happy tears today, I will only cry happy tears today…. I kept repeating it over and over in my head, hoping it would hold back the tears threatening to fall.

I heard footsteps approach behind me, and I tensed, fully expecting John to have followed me.

“You’ve done a really good job tonight. Better than I would have done.”

“What?” I asked, looking up at Matt.

“When I met you, you told me you had a thing. I know what that means. I had a thing too. My thing broke my heart, and I guess because of that I just assumed you would be the heartbreaker too. However, when you started to say it wasn’t like that – I knew. I knew you were going to fall in love. I knew you were the one who was probably going to get your heart broken.” “Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked, angry.

“Because I barely knew you, and you wouldn’t have listened anyway. Falling in love isn’t hard. It’s when you stop falling and hit the ground that it hurts. You were falling, you felt good, you would have ignored what anyone said just to keep that feeling going.”

It got quiet. The wind picked up, and Matt shrugged off his suit jacket and laid it around my shoulders.

“You said he was a good guy.”

“He is. He’s also a douchebag.”

“How can someone be both?” I asked.

“He’s always been fine to me. But the way he treated you…”

“Tell me about her.” I said. “Your thing.”

Matt was quiet, and I was worried I had offended him, but before I could tell him to forget about it, he spoke.

“Her name was Ella. I met her at work. The first time I saw her, I literally felt the hair on my arms stand up. That sounds so dumb, but being so close to her was just… Electric. I had a girlfriend, so I thought I just needed to stay away from her, but fate has a funny way of working out and I actually got slotted to stay with her while I was working there. Anyway, for a while it was one of those things where one of us was always attached. But then… Then she wasn’t and I wasn’t and…”

“It became a thing.”

He nodded. “She was honest with me. She told me she was still wrapped up in her ex. In fact she told me she would be in a relationship with me but if her ex came back she would leave me.”

“What a bitch.” I interrupted.

“Yes and no. I mean it sucked to hear, and it made me angry but she could have lied. At least she told me the truth. Anyway, then she took a job out of state, to clear her mind. I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, but I had hoped she’d come back and realize that she missed me.” He laughed a little at this last part.

“And she didn’t?”

“Maybe she would have. But, I bumped into her ex and told him he was being stupid.”

“Why?” I asked, surprised.

“I wanted to be with her. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life in limbo, waiting to see if he decided to come back, waiting for her to change her mind. So I figured he’d come back and either they’d work it out or they wouldn’t and then I could try.”

“They worked it out?” I asked.

“I just got the invite to their wedding.” He said flatly.

“Ouch.” I said, not knowing what else to say.

He nodded. “It is what it is, and all those clichés. But mainly it just sucks.”

“I guess I’m lucky, I don’t have to go to their wedding yet but… I keep wondering why her? What was so different? What did she say, or do, or not do? I mean… He just left me. The leaving is just… It’s what gets me. Things were good, and then they were over, he moved on so quickly and I’m just… Left. And what am I supposed to do? Get over it? I want too, but I don’t know how. Everyone says to give it time and it’ll get easier and it should but it hasn’t at all. Every time I get into bed I wish he was there, and when I wake up the first thing I notice is that he’s not, and I just feel like I’m going through the motions waiting for it to become the norm again.”

Matt nodded. “I still have days like that.”

“Oh great, and how long has it been for you?”

He laughed. “Awhile. But I’m not saying it’s every day… It does get easier. I’m just not going to lie to you and tell you I’m over it, because I’m not. I have my moments. The wedding is going to be a big one, I think.”

“I can go with you.” I said, and then I realized what I said. “I mean. If you’re going, and you don’t have anyone else to go with. I mean just as friends of course. You did throw me a pity party so the least I could do is…” I was babbling. I suddenly felt very nervous and uncomfortable.

“It’s fine. I’m not sure if I’m going yet, but if I do, I’d appreciate the support if you’d come along.”

“Yeah. Well. I appreciate your support too. So, just let me know. I owe you anyway.”

We stood there, an awkward beat of silence passing between us. Matt opened his mouth to say something else when the door burst open.

“Melly! There you are. Come inside and dance with me!” Sunny called.

“Well. Duty calls.” I said smiling up at Matt. I shrugged off his jacket and handed it back to him, and we walked back inside.

Whew. Sorry that took so long! (new post below, in case you didn't notice.) I, of course, got sick with whatever the kids had only I got it worse (because isn't that always how it goes?)

The post below was technically last weeks post and I have this weeks post almost finished, so it'll be up tomorrow or Friday. I also had someone ask about doing whatever wednesdays again, and I'll probably start that next week (though there may not be one every Wednesday. Things get crazy around here.)

Now I'm going to go back to de-cluttering our house.

Carry on

The pity party Matt threw me helped a lot. It may sound weird, but it was very freeing to give myself permission to feel bad. I didn’t want to give John that kind of control over me, but I was feeling badly about it, and faking it was just making me feel worse.

Life went on. I still missed John (and even though I had given myself permission to feel bad, I missed him more that I would admit to anyone.) When you break up with someone, it’s never the bad times you recall. Logically, I know it wasn’t perfect (I mean, he wouldn’t even commit to me, after all.) But I can’t remember the non-perfect times. When I closed my eyes, all I could remember was how it felt when he kissed me. How he’d reach for me and pull me closer to him even in his sleep. How warm he kept my bed and how he came over and cooked for me that night when I didn’t return his texts…

Still, I tried to keep myself distracted. Sunny’s wedding was both a blessing and a curse. It kept me busy now, but I knew there would be no avoiding John during it. I also knew that after the wedding, Sunny would leave our apartment, and I would be left alone. Alone was something I used to be OK with being, but after my brief stint of NOT being alone…. Well, alone felt so lonely.

The day before the wedding came sooner than I expected it too. We had the rehearsal and I was practically hyperventilating knowing that I’d have to see John. We arrived at the church and Sunny’s Mom called for us all to line up to practice walking down the aisle. I took a deep breath, knowing that I’d not only have to see John, but I’d have to touch him, when Sunny interrupted.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it means more if John stands next to Noah instead of walking down the aisle.”

“Then who is going to escort Mel?” Her Mom fretted.

“I’m sure she can figure out how to find her way to the front by herself. I just think it’s more meaningful is John is standing next to Noah, you know, standing by his best friend? Let’s just try it this way.”

I had to force myself not to look at John to see his reaction. I wondered if he asked her to do this, or if it had been Sunny’s idea. I hadn’t said anything to her about it.

After the rehearsal, we all headed back to Sunny’s parents house to have dinner. It was easy to avoid John in a house full of people, and my mood was lifted knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with him until tomorrow.

I had tried to talk Sunny into a bachelorette party, but she had been against it. She had decided instead that she just wanted me, junk food, bad movies, and a slumber party at our apartment. So after the dinner, Sunny and I left together, and went to spend our last night alone in our apartment. It was still weird – all her things boxed up, some of them had already made the trip over to Noah’s house. But, we made the best of it, and both fell asleep together in my bed while watching Pretty Woman.

I woke up in the morning and was immediately hit with both joy and dread. I wanted so desperately to watch my best friend get married to my other best friend. I wanted so badly to not have to see John.

I wanted to tell someone about this dread – to unload. But to who? I couldn’t complain to either Noah or Sunny without worrying about ruining their day. And the fact of the matter is, their happiness was much more important than my unhappiness today. I would one day get over John. Hopefully. Their wedding a day that’d be in their memory forever. So I’d suck it up, and even though I had never been much of an actress, I’d put on the performance of a lifetime.

And you know what? It really wasn’t too hard at first. Yes, John was best man and I was maid of honor, but we really hadn’t needed to interact much with each other. He spent the morning with Noah, doing whatever it is men do to get the groom ready. I spent the morning with Sunny, getting hair and make-up done, gushing over her, and being legitimately happy. She looked like a princess with her poofy skirt glittering and her blond hair falling in loose curls down her back. I didn’t look half bad myself, my hair pulled back with curls left tumbling down around my face. I felt pretty, and that made me more confident. I could do this, I would be OK.

Then came the hard part – walking down the aisle. I was grateful to Sunny for asking that he stand by Noah, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to avoid eye contact with him when I walked. Sure enough, my turn to go came, and my eyes were drawn to his. He looked good in his suit, and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I made it to my spot and turned to watch Sunny. I thought I wouldn’t cry, but watching Noah cry once he saw her set me off. Despite John being here too, I was so glad to be able to witness this, and was so happy for the both of them. I was also happy that the hard part with John was over. We still had the reception, but his girlfriend was there and I knew he wouldn’t be focused on me. After we were introduced at the reception, we made our way to opposite sides of the table, him sitting next to Noah and I took my seat beside Sunny. I realized most maids of honor were worried over the speech – but not me. John was my worry, and now my required interaction was done I finally felt free to really enjoy myself – and I only felt a pang of resentment when I watched him stand to deliver his speech to Noah and Sunny.


“I realize this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you all of these embarrassing stories about Noah – bring up his crazy ex-girlfriends and the things he did to break other girls hearts, and then tell you how much he’s changed since he met Sunny. However, I can’t do that – not because I don’t want too. Trust me, I’d love to spill all those juicy secrets about Noah and embarrass the hell out of him,” he laughed here, to show he was joking. “But, because there’s never been anyone else. It’s always been Sunny. I didn’t know pre-Sunny Noah, I’m not sure many people do, so I can’t say if he’s changed or not. All I can say is, I like think I know Noah pretty well. He’s an amazing man, one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and he would do anything for anyone. I think Sunny is perfect for him. I would wish you both happiness in the future, but I know you won’t need it, so this speech has been pretty much pointless except to say thank you, for allowing me to witness what true love looks like. I couldn’t be happier for the both of you.”

John then leaned over to hug Noah, and it caught me off guard that they both looked a little choked up, but I didn’t have much time to dwell on it before the microphone was thrust in my face.

“I did know pre-Noah Sunny, and I knew pre-Sunny Noah too. I can say that they both have changed – but considering how long I’ve known them, it’d be a little strange if they hadn’t changed at all. I’m incredibly blessed today to have been able to watch my best friend marry my other best friend, and I’ve been incredibly blessed throughout the years not only to have watched you two fall in love and make each other insanely happy, but also simply for knowing you. I know as the female friend, I’m supposed to be jealous of losing my friend, but I’m not. Like John, I’m not going to wish you luck or happiness, because he’s right – you don’t need it. You have something far more rare, and I’m lucky to have been a witness to it. I’m excited to see what the future holds for both of you, and hoping that I will continue to be a part of your lives. I love you both.”

We drank to that, and then watched Noah and Sunny glide on the dance floor to dance their first dance as a married couple. It was now when I started to cry, but not the unhappy tears I was afraid of spilling this morning. As corny as it sounds, I knew what Noah and Sunny had WAS rare, and I was overwhelmed with the loveliness of it all.

After this we abandoned the table. John disappeared from view – I assumed to find his girlfriend – and I hit the dance floor with Noah and Sunny. Matt joined us a little while later, as did a few other friends, and we danced and drank and laughed. A little while later, Sunny pulled me to the bathroom in order to help her with her dress while she peed.

“I’m proud of you.” She made eye contact with me in the mirror as she stood washing her hands.

“For helping you with your dress? I thought that was a maid of honor’s job.” I said, laughing. We were both a little more than tipsy at this point, and everything was hilarious to me.

“No, Mel. I know how hard it was to see him. I know you’d never admit it, but I know you and I know it was. Thank you for doing it for me.” Her eyes were wet with unshed tears.

“Oh Sun.” I said, reaching up to hug her, my chest to her back, my own eyes filling. “I really am so happy for you and Noah. Nothing could have kept me from coming today. Not even a thousand Johns.”

We stood like that for a moment, hugging, and then we laughed again, slightly embarrassed at the raw display of emotions. We wiped our eyes and headed back to the dance floor.

Only I never made it there, at least not with Sunny, because John was waiting for me outside the door.

“Can I have this dance?” He asked.

Still haven't updated. Part of it is jeremy still hasn't looked to see what's wrong with my computer rejecting word, part of it is that the kids have been sick (nothing major, colds from the neighnor kids. Not big enough to slow them down, but big enough to make them whiney and clingy.) But the biggest thing is that you may remember me talking aboutmy brother and how he has an issue with the courts. He got offered a plea, which on one hand is good because there's no jail time, but there's a stipulation that comes with it that I've been dealing with. I know that's very vague and I'm sorry, but I don't want to more into it. I've gotten judged about it fr some close friends so I don't want to open myself up to critism from internet strangers (and I realize most of you wouldn't, and I don't consider most of you strangers even, but there's always someone who has to say something mwan, and this topic is especially sensitive.) I've never censored anyone's comments here (well, unless they were spam) and I don't want too, but I kmowI couldn't handle negative comments about this and so I think its best to keep it to myself. Anyway. It is again jeremys day off and though we have a busy morning I'm hoping that the 80th time is the charm and he looks into fixing whatever the issue is. Excuse any typos. Its 3am amd I'm on my pHone