One day at a time

“I just need the posters, John, and I can get going. I told Noah I’d drop them off.” I said, surprised at the cool and even tone of my voice.
“Well just give me a second and I can run and get my stuff and…”
“No.” I cut him off again. “I have stuff to do and I wasn’t expecting to wait so long. I really just need to run up and drop them off and be on my way.”
“You’re mad.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“I’m a little annoyed that I was kept waiting so long, especially with no notice, but I have nothing to be angry about.”
“You’re talking in a really clipped tone. Noah warned me about that.”
I raised an eyebrow, wondering when he and Noah had discussed me.
“I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I really am. I could have called and texted you, but honestly I forgot we were even meeting today – I forgot today was even Friday. You have every right to be angry but let me make it up to you. I’ll go get the posters and we can go out there and I’ll buy you a corn dog.”

I eyed him carefully. I didn’t really buy it. Didn’t appreciate being left waiting. Didn’t know who the girl was. But we had promised Noah we’d get those posters up there – he didn’t want to risk Sunny finding them on the drive up. I didn’t think John was going to let me have them unless I brought him along.

“You have five minutes to get the stuff and then I’m gone and you’ll have to explain to Noah on why they didn’t get there.”
“Yes m’am!” He saluted, and then turned and jogged into his house.

I had originally planned on him driving, but as soon as he slid into the seat next to me I was glad for the distraction. I was dying to question him about the girl, comment on how she was so pretty, but I knew that would give me away. It was none of my business, and while that normally wouldn’t be enough to stop me, I also didn’t want to seem like I cared.

I had expected John to try to make conversation, but he didn’t. All he did was apologize again, and then told me to excuse him while he returned some work emails on his phone. I bit back my snarky reply. Sunny was wrong, so very wrong. John and I were just friends and honestly he was barely treating me as that.

The silence was making me uncomfortable, so I decided to put on my headset and make some work calls of my own. John raised an eyebrow when I started, but said nothing. I didn’t care if he thought it was rude – he had made me miss hours of work for nothing, the least I could do was make some of it up on the way up.

Finally we arrived, and after some confusion, we were instructed to leave the posters in the control room of the log ride we would be doing.

“Wanna go for a test run?” John said nodding his head towards the log ride.
“No.” I answered quickly and firmly.
“Why not? It’s just one little ride.”
“I don’t do rides.” I answered. “You can go if you want. I’ll wait here.” I said, heading towards a bench.
“Why not?” He asked, sitting down next to me.
“Why would I want too? The whole point of rides like that is to make you feel like you’re about to die. It’s supposed to be thrilling. But I just think that life is scary enough. I like feeling safe.”
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “And you don’t feel safe on a day to day basis?”
“I…” I faltered. John had a knack for throwing me off guard by taking things in a direction I didn’t expect them to go. “I wouldn’t say I don’t feel safe. I feel…” I trailed off, searching for a word. “Unstable. The business is… I just didn’t… I’m not where I expected I’d be and sometimes it’s a little unsettling.”
“Where did you expect to be? I mean you’re what, twenty-six?” He looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. “And you own your own business? A pretty successful business too. Where else would you expect to be?”
“The business wasn’t mine, I had other plans, but things changed.”
“Your uncle?” He asked.
“You know about that, huh?”
“Not much. He died, he left you the business.”
I nodded. “I was in college. I had my own plans. Things changed.” I shrugged and looked away. “That’s what I mean – life has it’s own thrills. I have a hard enough time navigating them, I don’t need a ride.”
“But you could quit. Sell the business, right? If you aren’t happy…”
I shook my head. “We tried. No one wanted it, not whole anyway…”
“So piece it out. I mean it shouldn’t be your burden, so why are you carrying it if you don’t want it?”
“It’s not that I don’t want it. I just didn’t expect it. I mean when I was six I’m sure I said I wanted to own my own pizza place, that’s a six year olds dream. But then I grew up and got my own plans…”
“So continue on with your own plans.”
“It’s not that easy…” I said, feeling my annoyance rise.
“Yes it is. You only get one life and…”
“You think I don’t know that? My Uncle died John, I’m aware that there are no second chances.” I couldn’t keep the bite out of my voice.
“He died, but you didn’t, so why aren’t you doing what YOU want?”
“Because.” I said, not wanting to divulge so much so soon, especially to someone who had pissed me off so recently. I felt the tears building up behind my eyes, angry and hot.
“Because why?” He asked.
“Because it’s all I have left of him. Because I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. Because I miss him. Because sometimes life changes and all you can do is roll with the punches. Take your pick John. There’s lots of reasons.”
“Hey now.” He said, gently as the first tear slid down my face slowly, like a traitor. “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
“Well you’ve been pretty good at doing it all day long. Can we just go? I really didn’t expect to be here so late.”
He studied my face for a moment, then nodded slowly. “Do you have time for me to take you somewhere? If you don’t, I understand, but I’d like too. I’d like to make it up to you.”
I shrugged, suddenly not caring any more. I wanted to go home, but I also wanted to save face and not give the impression that I was so upset.

When we got to the parking lot, he took my keys from me, and started to drive home, or at least I thought was home. But he passed our exit, and drove for another twenty minutes, not talking, and turned off onto a bumpy dirt road. Finally he stopped – we were out in the country somewhere. Without saying a word, he parked the car, got out, and sat on the hood. I waited a minute, and then followed his lead. The stars were out in full force, and he was looking up at them when he started talking.

“When I was growing up, I had a best friend named Chad. We did everything together, until we turned thirteen and entered high school. I can’t tell you when, exactly it had changed, or what changed between us but… I was making new friends and trying new things and Chad was just… Stuck. I got busy, and Chad. Well, I guess Chad was just alone a lot. We didn’t have a major falling out or anything, no fights, we were still friends. I just didn’t spend every weekend with him like before because I had football or basketball or homework. I guess there must have been signs, but I didn’t notice because at thirteen you can’t see past your own face in the mirror. Practice ended early one Saturday and I decided to swing by Chad’s because… Well I don’t even remember anymore. His Mom wasn’t home, but I knew they left their side door open, so I went in and went on down to the basement where I knew he hung out.” He stopped for a moment, no longer looking at the sky but out into the distance. “He was just… Hanging there. I remember it felt like I had been standing there for an hour, just trying to process what was going on – his feet weren’t touching the floor and his face was puffy and…” He trailed off, running a hand through his hair, mussing it. “I just left him there. I ran home and I didn’t tell anyone I had been there. His Mom called my Mom later that day after she found him and I pretended like I didn’t know. And maybe I didn’t really know – I had spent the whole day telling myself that it was just some weird prank Chad was playing…” He trailed off again, and I was wondering what to say, when he picked back up.
“Anyway. I had a rough go of it. I wondered if I had been around more… I felt guilty about not telling anyone, because how horrible was it for his Mom to find him like that? I spent a lot of time in my room, by myself. Scared the hell out of my Mom. She called my Granny, and my Granny picked me up one night and took me out to a place where we could see the stars, and she told me that there’s an Eskimo saying that goes “perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines upon us to let us know they are happy.” She told me Chad was very unhappy on earth, but now he was happy, except for me being so sad. Let it go she said. It wasn’t easy to do. It didn’t happen that day, or even that year. But slowly, I did let him go. I miss him. I love him, but I don’t feel guilty any more.” He looked at me, expectantly, and I knew I was supposed to tell him about my Uncle.

“I just think about him, and how sad he must have been, and what was I doing? Partying? Worrying about some boy who didn’t matter? I didn’t call home nearly as often as I should and when I did, I never asked about him or how it was going for him. I was selfish. I can forgive myself for that – I was young, but what I can’t get over is that he was my whole world and he obviously had no idea because if he did, he never would have left me. I just think about how sad he must have been and I just…” My voice cracked here, and I can’t continue. When I think about how sad my Uncle was I get overwhelmed – I feel his sadness crushing me.
“Shhh Mel. Don’t cry. Don’t – it’s not your fault…” John has my face in his hands, brushing away tears with his thumb. “Oh, you’re so beautiful, even when you’re sad…” He mummers, and the next thing I know, his lips are on mine, and my arms are holding on to him for dear life.

Far too soon, he broke away with a small growl.
“I’m sorry Melanie. I shouldn’t have done that. It was an emotional moment and I took advantage of it.”
“You didn’t want to kiss me?” I asked, confused.
“No, I did… It’s just…” He sighed.
“Do you have someone else? The girl from earlier?” I asked.
“Who?” He said, looking confused. “Oh, her? No. I told you, she’s a co-worker. I’m single, I just…” He trailed off again.
“You don’t like me.” I said, hoping I didn’t sound as sad as I felt. “It’s OK… Maybe we should just…”

He turned and kissed me again, less urgently this time, but I still felt the same the same heat as I had moments before. Then he leaned his forehead up against mine.

“I like you. And I really like doing that.”
“Then what is it?” I asked, confused.
“I just got out of something, and I’m not sure I’m ready for anything… And I’m a little nervous about being anyone’s first boyfriend… I just don’t know if the timing is right.”
“Look, I’m not expert in stuff like this, but… Why do we have to decide now? Can’t we just see how it goes, get to know each other a little better? Friends… With maybe some benefits? If things get more serious we can reevaluate then. Right now we don’t have to commit to getting married.”
He studied me for a minute and then smiled slowly. “You always take me by surprise, Lanie.”
I returned his smile, and then leaned back on the hood of the car, looking up at the stars, and a few minutes later, John joined me. He didn’t say a word, just took my hand in his, as we laid side by side watching the stars.