For me it isn't over

I didn't tell Sunny what happened. I just told her that I told John it'd be best if he left and he did, and I asked Matt not to say anything to her. Perhaps it was mean to keep her in the dark, but John was going to be in her wedding, he was Noah's best friend, and I knew how pissed off she would be at him. I didn't want to create any problems, especially since we had this dinner with her Mother tonight where she dropped the bomb about her brother.

I also didn't want to hear anything about how John was a jerk, which I knew would be the first thing out of Sunny's mouth. It tended to be most peoples go to response. "What an asshole." Well, yeah. But I cared about that asshole, and now I just feel even stupider than I'm hurting over some asshole who doesn't matter. I just needed time and space to get over it - telling me I shouldn't feel sad because he was a jerk was not going to stop me from feeling sad.

John's also my first "breakup", I guess, and I was finding that even though I knew how he acted was pretty low, when I was in bed by myself, my mind never went to his jerky moments. Instead it went straight to the good times - him holding me while I cried about my Uncle, tickle fights on the couch, him giving me that stupid star necklace. I was constantly telling myself that he didn't want me, no matter how nice he had been to me at times - it was like my brain was a two year old toddler who had to have directions repeated to it every five seconds.

Sunny got ready at our place. Noah was a little butt-hurt that he wasn't also being brought along (which I could understand. Sunny said she didn't want her Mom to feel ganged up on, so I once again offered to sit it out so Noah could go, and she refused.) Sunny said he was sulking and had run to my place. To be honest, this made me nervous as well. I was happy to be there for Sunny, but she was marrying Noah and I thought it was a little weird she was choosing me to be present over him. But again, not a conversation I really wanted to delve into right now.

"Does she have any idea why we're meeting her tonight?" I asked as I drove to the restaurant.

"Nope. I told her wedding stuff." Sunny fiddled with the radio.

"Is your Dad coming?"

She shook her head. "I asked girls only."

"You know she's totally going to feel ambushed right? I mean you are prepared for the fact that she might be pissed off?" I said, stopping at a red light and turning to look at her.

"I didn't do anything wrong." She said, a defensive edge in her tone.

"No, you didn't. But, this is a big deal Sunny, and she could react and be totally happy about it. But, she could get pissed off. I mean have you talked to your brother at all about why he left?"

Her jaw clenched at this, and I could tell she was now angry. "Scotty's gay. Did I tell you that? Mom and Dad didn't like that so they tried to change him. He couldn't handle it and left."

"Your Mom didn't like Scotty because he's gay?" I said, unable to keep the disbelief out of my voice. Sunny's Mom was pretty liberal - it just didn't add up.

"I know. But, you know, Mom can say she supports same sex marriage all she wants, it's a different ball game when it's your child. That's why I didn't invite Dad. Scotty said Dad was pretty hard on him. I just didn't want him to put ideas into Mom's head before I talked to her."

"Huh. Well. I mean. I just... Try to keep calm, OK?" I said as we pulled up to the restaurant.

I had suggested something more private - asking her Mom over for dinner at our house - but Sunny had nixed it, saying there was less of a chance for a spectacle if we were out in public. I personally thought there was MORE of a risk of a spectacle, since if Sunny's Mom DID get upset, there would be more witnesses. But once again, I can't tell Sunny anything, so I let it slide. She was already there, seated at a table in the back, a number indicating that she had already ordered. Sunny waved, and we walked up to the counter to place our own orders and get our own numbers before making our way back to her.

"How are you girls?" She said, hugging us both. "The big day is so close! Are you ready?"

We sat, and Sunny nervously rubbed her hands together. "We're doing good on most parts. But there's something I wanted to talk to you about..."

"Uh oh. Need more money? Honey you should have asked your father if that was the case." She said, laughing. Her laugh quickly faded when she realized Sunny wasn't laughing with her. "What's wrong? Nothing happened did it?"

"No Mom, I mean the wedding is still on..."

"Are you pregnant?"

"No. I just..." Sunny looked to me for help, but I wasn't going to step in and do this for her. I nodded my head in encouragement, and she blew out a frustrated sigh.

"It's the guest list." I offered.

"What's wrong with the guest list?" She asked, looking from me back to Sunny.

"Mom... I had someone contact me and I'm going to invite them and I thought I should give you a heads up."

"Okay..." Sunny's Mom looked confused and nervous, and I didn't blame her. Sunny could not be handling this any worse. "I got a facebook message awhile back from Scotty. We've been talking."

"Scotty?" Her mother asked, and it was clear she was searching her brain trying to remember who Scotty was. I don't think she forgot about her son, I think it just didn't occur to her that Sunny might actually be in contact with her brother.

"Mom... You know... Scotty." Sunny said. She was now starting to squirm, clearly nervous for her mothers reaction.

And it became clear when Sunny's mother realized who she was talking about. Her eyes went still and her face went white. She opened her mouth, and then pursed her lips shut. She sat there for what must have been the most uncomfortable and longest minute of my life before the server interrupted by dropping our food on the table. While I'm sure we were all grateful for the interruption, I don't think any of us were quite hungry anymore.

"When... How..." She started. Then she stopped, shut her eyes for a long moment, and when she opened them again, there were tears in her eyes. "Is he OK?" She finally settled on.

"He's great. Living in Colorado with his boyfriend. He turned out really well, despite not getting any help from his parents." Sunny countered back, her eyes level and cold.

"Maybe I should let you guys work this out on your own..." I said, starting to stand.

"No. Stay. Eat. It's fine." Sunny said, stabbing at her salad.

"Sunny, I'm not sure where all this anger is coming from. Your brother made the choice to leave - nobody made him go." "But you guys most certainly didn't make it enjoyable for him to stick around, did you?" Sunny sneered.

I loved Sunny to death, but her middle name should have been Dramatic.

"Sunshine..." Her mother warned.

"Don't Mom. How could you guys? Dad especially. How could you be so hard on him?"

Sunny's Mom sighed and put down her fork. "Sunny. I can't say I did everything right. That's the thing when it comes to being a Mom. I did the best I could. I can't say I always made the right decisions, but I can tell you that when I made those choices, I always did what I thought was best at the time, and I always had the best of intentions. It was not easy to hear that my son is gay, and I won't lie and say that it was. But it wasn't because I thought being gay was wrong. I was sad because every parent wants the best and easiest life possible for their child, and I knew that while I was open minded and accepting, many people in this world are not. I knew it was impossible to save you guys from every hurt you might experience, but I still wanted too. Would I have chosen for him to be gay? No. I would have never chosen for you to have glasses either when you were younger, or braces, because I knew the braces hurt you and someone might make fun of you for both things. I didn't love you any less because you had them, and I don't love your brother any less for being gay."

"Then why were you guys so mean to him?"

"Your brother must have left out a big chunk of the story, Sunny. He was going through what I can now see was a very confusing time in his life. It must have been very scary for him, and I wish... I wish I would have taken a step back and understood that at the time. But I was frustrated, angry, and scared. He was hanging out with the wrong crowd - kids who drank and smoked and stole. Your Dad came down pretty hard on him, probably too hard, but we were scared Sunny. We didn't want to lose him to that, and we also didn't want it to influence you."

"Scotty did say he acted up..." Sunny said. She was now looking a little lost herself. "Is it OK I invited him to the wedding?" She asked, now looking concerned for her mothers feelings.

"Sunny it's your wedding. Invite whoever you want. Honestly I'm just so freaking relieved to hear he's OK. How did you find him?"

"I think I really should go. You guys can catch up on all the details. Sunny I love you and I'll see you at home." I said, making my exit from the table.

I walked outside into the cold wind. I had been so uncomfortable eavesdropping on that conversation that I had just wanted to escape, but now I realized that I was going to spend the night alone again.

Spending every night at home by myself meant that I was completely caught up on all my shows, so I decided to head over to the nearest redbox and rent a movie. I was standing at the machine trying to avoid all the romantic comedies when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"I swear I'm almost done..." I said turning to look at who tapped me.

John. Fucking awesome.

"Take your time. I've been standing here for a moment trying to decide if I should tap you, pretend I didn't see you and hope you didn't see me, or turn and run."

"And you chose tapping because?" I asked, trying and failing to keep the attitude out of my tone.

"Because I figured we're adults, but now I'm rethinking my decision."

"I'm sorry." I said. "It's been a long day. How are you?" I asked.

I was set on playing nice, thinking things couldn't get worse, but of course, Newton's law - things will always get worse. "Hon, I got the snacks, what movie did you pick?"

Haylie. Of course she'd be here too. He used to spend every night with me. Now he probably spends it with her.

"I was just..." John got red in the face, but he recovered quickly. "Haylie, do you know Melanie? Melanie, this is my girlfriend, Haylie."

Girlfriend.
He really just said girlfriend.
He never ever once introduced me as his girlfriend. Never. The biggest thrill I got was when Matt introduced me at the party as his girlfriend, and John didn't bother correcting him.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?

"There's nothing good in here anyway. Your turn, have fun." I said, quickly turning on my heel and walking out of the store. I got in my car and turned it on, fighting the urge to cry. I saw John come out the door, looking for me, but I quickly backed up and sped away. Girlfriend. He called her his girlfriend. I had just asked him to be exclusive with me, and he couldn't do it, but he did with her? It wasn't John after all. It was me - I wasn't good enough.

I picked up my phone and found the number without thinking.

"I know this is weird, but can I please come over?" I sobbed.

I was still crying when I knocked on his door. There was a point where I wouldn't let myself cry, and now I felt like I might never stop crying. He swung the door open, and took one look at me and opened his arms.

"What the hell happened?" Matt said. "Did someone run over your puppy?"

"No..." I said, before another sob escaped. "I'm so sorry.. For bothering... you." I was crying so hard I could barely speak. "Sunny... Is with her... Mom... Noah... Is upset... With Sunny. I don't have... Anyone else..."

"Shhh. Calm down. It's OK. You're not bothering me, I was just catching up on laundry, no big deal... Just come in and tell me what happened."

I took a couple of deep breaths as we walked to the couch. He sat me down and then sat on the ottoman in front of me.

I sniffed. "I feel so dumb. After I left Sunny to have dinner with her Mom, I didn't know what to do with myself. So I went to go rent a movie. I'm standing there and someone taps me on the shoulder and it's him..."

"By him, I assume you mean John?" He asked.

I nodded, tears welling back in my eyes at the sound of his name. Jesus, I was such a baby. "She came up beside him..."

"She being Haylie?"

Again, I just nodded. "And he told me she was his..."

"Girlfriend." Matt finished.

"I was with him for how long? When we were at the bar for my birthday, I asked him to just be with me, and he said he wasn't ready, and that was like, two weeks ago! It wasn't that he wasn't ready, I just wasn't good enough." I broke into a fresh round of sobs. "LISTEN to me. I am so pathetic Matt. I'm so sorry."

He hugged me again. "You are not pathetic. You are sad. You're allowed to be sad. In fact... Hang on one second."

He left the room. I sat there, trying to compose myself, getting almost there before a fresh wave of sadness would hit me and the tears started again. I was beginning to think I had scared Matt off for good when he came back.

"Here." He said, throwing me a bundled of sweats. "My friend left these when he stayed, they'll be a little big on you, but will fit you better than anything I have for you. I ordered a pizza and I think I have brownie mix in the kitchen. Now." He said, walking over to a dvd rack. "I do have some chick flicks - don't make fun of me, I'm a man in touch with my emotions - or if you feel like watching people blow some shit up, I do have movies to suit those needs too. If I don't have anything you want to see, we can pull up netflix. "

"What are you doing?" I asked, confused.

"I'm throwing you a pity party, Lanie. Don't worry about feeling stupid about being sad, just be sad. We'll eat junk, we'll watch crappy movies, you can cry... We'll just get it out of your system, OK?"

"I don't know what to say Matt." I said.

"Don't say anything. Just go change."