No?

I kept trying to shoot Sunny looks, to let her know that this conversation was not over, but she got in the car and leaned her head against Noah’s arm, refusing to look back at me.
“You girls have a good time?” Noah chuckled, kissing the top of Sunny’s head.
“Uh huh. Lots of pretty boys buying us lots of pretty drinks.” She said, her words slightly slurred.
“Well it’s a good thing I put a ring on it then, huh?” Noah said, laughing and pulling away from the curb.
“I didn’t know I’d see you tonight.” I said, deciding to set my focus on John instead.
“I didn’t want to interrupt girl time, but I was with Noah when we got the call.”
“Are you coming back to my place?” I asked, placing my hand on his knee.
“I planned on it. I mean if you wanted me too.” He said, placing his hand on top of mine.

I nodded, and suddenly I knew – tonight was the night. I had been afraid to have sex with John. I wasn’t a prude, and I didn’t have a problem giving it up, but I also didn’t have much experience – I was more afraid of letting him down and embarrassing myself than anything else. But, here I was, drunk, and liquid courage was what I needed to get what I wanted.

Noah dropped us off while Sunny pretended to have fallen asleep on his arm. I rolled my eyes, but in the dark parking lot, nobody could see. It was just like her to drop a bomb and then run away. No use dwelling over it – I’d make sure I got my answers tomorrow.

“Are you OK to walk?” John asked as I stumbled up the curb.
I laughed at this. “What are you going to do if I’m not? Carry me?” I asked.
“You don’t think I can?” He asked, and even without seeing his face, I knew he had one eyebrow arched and that he was smiling that half smile that gave him only one dimple.
“No. I don’t think you can. Not up a flight of stairs and I’m not sure I want you to…” Before I could finish my sentence, he had wrapped his arms around me, hoisting me up, almost carrying me on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes but I wasn’t leaning far enough over for it to be considered that kind of carry.
“John!” I squealed, forgetting to keep my voice down. “Put me down!” I laughed. “Uh uh.” He said, already slightly out of breath, “you don’t think I can, so now I have to prove it to you.”

Up the stairs he went – and I was certain he was going to drop me or fall, but I still couldn’t stop laughing. He wouldn’t even set me down so I could unlock the door, he made me fish the keys out of my bag and hand them to him. He didn’t set me down until he tossed me on my bed – throwing himself beside me. We were both out of breath, me from laughing and him from the exertion of carrying my tubby butt up a flight of stairs.

I was going to say something, make a stupid joke, but the look in his eyes caught me off guard, and I had to lean over and kiss him. It was soft at first – tentative – but slowly deepened, and when we finally broke apart I moved to straddle him.

He ran his hands up the outsides of my thighs, pushing up my dress, as I slowly almost unconsciously started to grind my hips against his. He groaned. And then to my shock, he gently pushed me off of him.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused. Every time before this, I had stopped John, and while he had been understanding it had been clear that if I hadn’t of stopped him, he wouldn’t have. So why now?
“I can’t do this while you’re drunk.” He said, eyes closed, running a hand through his hair, causing it to muss in the front.
I sat up. “Are you serious right now John?”
“Yes.” He said, opening his eyes to look at me.
“Why not? We’ve gotten to this point a hundred times before – why stop now?” I said, my voice rising. I pushed myself off the bed and went to the closet to find clothes to change into.
“Don’t be mad at me, I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”
“Right thing HOW?” I said. Suddenly I felt very stupid – I put the moves on a guy and he turned me down.
“You’re drunk, Lanie. You also haven’t had a lot of experience, I just don’t want you to wake up in the morning and regret this.”
“I won’t regret it John. I like you. I like you a lot, and I want to do this with you.” I said, unable to keep the emotion out of my voice. I rolled my eyes up, hoping that would keep the tears in.
“Lanie…” He said, sighing and sitting up himself. “I was afraid it would come to this. I just… You know I’m not sure what I want and I don’t want anyone getting hurt… Maybe I should just go.”
I nodded. “Maybe you should. I know what you said in the beginning, but… I like you. A lot. And I feel a connection with you – and I feel like you feel it too. Perhaps I’m way off base here, but if you don’t know by now if you want to be with me, then either you just don’t want to be with me, or you’re an idiot who is going to miss out on a damn good thing because he’s scared. Either way, I deserve more than this.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“You’re blaming me for being up front and honest with you, and also for trying to protect you?” John said. His voice was still steady and calm, but I knew he was irritated.
“No!” I shouted. “How are you trying to protect me at all? You can’t even give me a firm decision on what you want!”
“Don’t yell Lanie, there’s no reason for it. I’m not yelling at you. And I am trying to protect you. If all I cared about were my needs, I wouldn’t be pushing you away right now. Don’t you think I want to have sex with you? I just don’t want our first time to be some drunken night you don’t remember. I tried to break it off with you the first time, I told you I wasn’t ready and YOU suggested this arrangement. If you’re not OK with it anymore, that’s fine – but be a grown up and tell me. Don’t pick a fight and accuse me.”

I sat there, studying him for a moment, not really sure what to say or do. I did suggest this arrangement. And I should appreciate the fact that he wanted our first time to be special but… What did that mean? If this was just a fuck buddy situation, why would he care? And since he does care, what does it mean?
“I’m just… Confused. I don’t know where I stand with you. What we are. People ask and I just don’t know.”
“Why does it matter what other people think we are? If you’re happy with this situation, that’s all that matters. If you’re not, well then we can talk about it. But other people shouldn’t factor in to something that is between you and I.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m just… I’m drunk. I’m sorry.” I said, moving over to hug him.
“Lanie if you’re not OK with this…. You need to tell me. I don’t want to ruin a friendship or hurt you.”
“Are we ever going to be together?” I asked, looking up at him.
“We’re together right now.”
“You know what I mean.” I said, rolling my eyes and pulling back from him a little. “You know. Facebook official or whatever.”
He laughed. “I don’t even have a facebook, so no. We’ll never be facebook official. But, if you mean like in a relationship… I can’t answer that. I like you, a lot. Right now I can see it going somewhere, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. We’ll just have to see. Can you handle that?”
I nodded. “Will you let me know when you’re ready?”
“Yeah. I can do that.” He said, kissing the top of my head.

We then got undressed and climbed in to bed together. There was no fooling around. John rolled over and fell right to sleep, and I should have too, but I didn’t. The room was spinning and my thoughts were swirling around with it. I felt unsettled, uneasy. But I just wasn’t sure why.