Carry on

The pity party Matt threw me helped a lot. It may sound weird, but it was very freeing to give myself permission to feel bad. I didn’t want to give John that kind of control over me, but I was feeling badly about it, and faking it was just making me feel worse.

Life went on. I still missed John (and even though I had given myself permission to feel bad, I missed him more that I would admit to anyone.) When you break up with someone, it’s never the bad times you recall. Logically, I know it wasn’t perfect (I mean, he wouldn’t even commit to me, after all.) But I can’t remember the non-perfect times. When I closed my eyes, all I could remember was how it felt when he kissed me. How he’d reach for me and pull me closer to him even in his sleep. How warm he kept my bed and how he came over and cooked for me that night when I didn’t return his texts…

Still, I tried to keep myself distracted. Sunny’s wedding was both a blessing and a curse. It kept me busy now, but I knew there would be no avoiding John during it. I also knew that after the wedding, Sunny would leave our apartment, and I would be left alone. Alone was something I used to be OK with being, but after my brief stint of NOT being alone…. Well, alone felt so lonely.

The day before the wedding came sooner than I expected it too. We had the rehearsal and I was practically hyperventilating knowing that I’d have to see John. We arrived at the church and Sunny’s Mom called for us all to line up to practice walking down the aisle. I took a deep breath, knowing that I’d not only have to see John, but I’d have to touch him, when Sunny interrupted.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it means more if John stands next to Noah instead of walking down the aisle.”

“Then who is going to escort Mel?” Her Mom fretted.

“I’m sure she can figure out how to find her way to the front by herself. I just think it’s more meaningful is John is standing next to Noah, you know, standing by his best friend? Let’s just try it this way.”

I had to force myself not to look at John to see his reaction. I wondered if he asked her to do this, or if it had been Sunny’s idea. I hadn’t said anything to her about it.

After the rehearsal, we all headed back to Sunny’s parents house to have dinner. It was easy to avoid John in a house full of people, and my mood was lifted knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with him until tomorrow.

I had tried to talk Sunny into a bachelorette party, but she had been against it. She had decided instead that she just wanted me, junk food, bad movies, and a slumber party at our apartment. So after the dinner, Sunny and I left together, and went to spend our last night alone in our apartment. It was still weird – all her things boxed up, some of them had already made the trip over to Noah’s house. But, we made the best of it, and both fell asleep together in my bed while watching Pretty Woman.

I woke up in the morning and was immediately hit with both joy and dread. I wanted so desperately to watch my best friend get married to my other best friend. I wanted so badly to not have to see John.

I wanted to tell someone about this dread – to unload. But to who? I couldn’t complain to either Noah or Sunny without worrying about ruining their day. And the fact of the matter is, their happiness was much more important than my unhappiness today. I would one day get over John. Hopefully. Their wedding a day that’d be in their memory forever. So I’d suck it up, and even though I had never been much of an actress, I’d put on the performance of a lifetime.

And you know what? It really wasn’t too hard at first. Yes, John was best man and I was maid of honor, but we really hadn’t needed to interact much with each other. He spent the morning with Noah, doing whatever it is men do to get the groom ready. I spent the morning with Sunny, getting hair and make-up done, gushing over her, and being legitimately happy. She looked like a princess with her poofy skirt glittering and her blond hair falling in loose curls down her back. I didn’t look half bad myself, my hair pulled back with curls left tumbling down around my face. I felt pretty, and that made me more confident. I could do this, I would be OK.

Then came the hard part – walking down the aisle. I was grateful to Sunny for asking that he stand by Noah, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to avoid eye contact with him when I walked. Sure enough, my turn to go came, and my eyes were drawn to his. He looked good in his suit, and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I made it to my spot and turned to watch Sunny. I thought I wouldn’t cry, but watching Noah cry once he saw her set me off. Despite John being here too, I was so glad to be able to witness this, and was so happy for the both of them. I was also happy that the hard part with John was over. We still had the reception, but his girlfriend was there and I knew he wouldn’t be focused on me. After we were introduced at the reception, we made our way to opposite sides of the table, him sitting next to Noah and I took my seat beside Sunny. I realized most maids of honor were worried over the speech – but not me. John was my worry, and now my required interaction was done I finally felt free to really enjoy myself – and I only felt a pang of resentment when I watched him stand to deliver his speech to Noah and Sunny.


“I realize this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you all of these embarrassing stories about Noah – bring up his crazy ex-girlfriends and the things he did to break other girls hearts, and then tell you how much he’s changed since he met Sunny. However, I can’t do that – not because I don’t want too. Trust me, I’d love to spill all those juicy secrets about Noah and embarrass the hell out of him,” he laughed here, to show he was joking. “But, because there’s never been anyone else. It’s always been Sunny. I didn’t know pre-Sunny Noah, I’m not sure many people do, so I can’t say if he’s changed or not. All I can say is, I like think I know Noah pretty well. He’s an amazing man, one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and he would do anything for anyone. I think Sunny is perfect for him. I would wish you both happiness in the future, but I know you won’t need it, so this speech has been pretty much pointless except to say thank you, for allowing me to witness what true love looks like. I couldn’t be happier for the both of you.”

John then leaned over to hug Noah, and it caught me off guard that they both looked a little choked up, but I didn’t have much time to dwell on it before the microphone was thrust in my face.

“I did know pre-Noah Sunny, and I knew pre-Sunny Noah too. I can say that they both have changed – but considering how long I’ve known them, it’d be a little strange if they hadn’t changed at all. I’m incredibly blessed today to have been able to watch my best friend marry my other best friend, and I’ve been incredibly blessed throughout the years not only to have watched you two fall in love and make each other insanely happy, but also simply for knowing you. I know as the female friend, I’m supposed to be jealous of losing my friend, but I’m not. Like John, I’m not going to wish you luck or happiness, because he’s right – you don’t need it. You have something far more rare, and I’m lucky to have been a witness to it. I’m excited to see what the future holds for both of you, and hoping that I will continue to be a part of your lives. I love you both.”

We drank to that, and then watched Noah and Sunny glide on the dance floor to dance their first dance as a married couple. It was now when I started to cry, but not the unhappy tears I was afraid of spilling this morning. As corny as it sounds, I knew what Noah and Sunny had WAS rare, and I was overwhelmed with the loveliness of it all.

After this we abandoned the table. John disappeared from view – I assumed to find his girlfriend – and I hit the dance floor with Noah and Sunny. Matt joined us a little while later, as did a few other friends, and we danced and drank and laughed. A little while later, Sunny pulled me to the bathroom in order to help her with her dress while she peed.

“I’m proud of you.” She made eye contact with me in the mirror as she stood washing her hands.

“For helping you with your dress? I thought that was a maid of honor’s job.” I said, laughing. We were both a little more than tipsy at this point, and everything was hilarious to me.

“No, Mel. I know how hard it was to see him. I know you’d never admit it, but I know you and I know it was. Thank you for doing it for me.” Her eyes were wet with unshed tears.

“Oh Sun.” I said, reaching up to hug her, my chest to her back, my own eyes filling. “I really am so happy for you and Noah. Nothing could have kept me from coming today. Not even a thousand Johns.”

We stood like that for a moment, hugging, and then we laughed again, slightly embarrassed at the raw display of emotions. We wiped our eyes and headed back to the dance floor.

Only I never made it there, at least not with Sunny, because John was waiting for me outside the door.

“Can I have this dance?” He asked.