I may be done. I have half a post written and then I got sick and have been on the couch the past few days. I don't know why in my right mind I thought I'd have more time once Cayden was out of school because while it means no pick up or drop off, it means all day with four kids. Quite frankly, I just don't have the drive any more to do it. I realize I'm letting people down, but frankly it's just not getting done.

Part of me wants to take another break until this winter, when I should have more time once Cayden is in kindergarten and Eli starts preschool. But I've taken breaks before and to be honest even after the break things haven't gotten better.

So basically all I can say is keep checking back but I'm not making any promises.

I am planning on coming back. Last week Cayden was home from school all week. He'd seem fine and then he'd randomly spike a really high fever and get all lethargic and grumpy. He had cold symptoms, including a nasty sounding cough so we took him in to make sure it wasn't bronchitus or anything. They said it was just a virus going around.

Friday he finally seemed to be feeling better. I regretted not sending him to school, in fact. Then right before bedtime he starts crying that his ear hurt. I kind of figured he just wanted to prolong bedtime, but still with all he had been going through, I did give him some medicine. I knew when he cried himself to sleep that he wasn't faking - but I figured we'd just get into the pedi the next morning.

He went to sleep, I finally got Eli to sleep. Then Cayden woke up crying again. Then I'd get Cayden to sleep and Eli would wake up crying. They switched off a couple of times and finally I decided that since we weren't going to sleep anyway, we might as well head to the ER (and honestly, Cayde was crying so hard and so loud at this point I was afraid his ear drum was going to burst or something - I didn't know if it could come on that quickly. His ears had been checked Monday at the doctor and he hadn't complained at all about them hurting until right before bed that night, but basically I didn't want to find out.) Jeremy was at work so I had to lug both boys down to children's hospital at midnight by myself.

The boys are fine now (though they both did have ear infections.) However, I'm pretty wiped (we got there at midnight, didn't get home till four am, and both boys were up at nine.)

I know you guys are understanding, I just didn't want you to worry. I'm hoping to get at least one if not two posts up this week, but Cayden's graduation is Friday and we also have friends coming in from out of town, so worst case scenario posting will resume next week and I'm hoping with the better weather, none of us will be sick for awhile.

Not really sure how to feel about it

"I kissed Matt." I blurted out to Sunny.

She had come into work that morning, back from her honeymoon, looking tan and in love. I had listened to her gush about how great the trip was, and then she dived into work, while I pretended to work and really freaked out over the fact that I knew I had to tell her everything that went on when she was gone and that she'd most likely be upset about most of it.

"You what?" She said, turning to me slowly in her office chair.

"I mean it wasn't a real kiss. It was just on his forehead. I...." I was speaking too quickly. I took a deep breath. "Let me start at the beginning."

I talked about how Steph had come into town, how we had fought. I told her about running into John at her house - which she cringed at - and then how Matt and I had fought and then how he skipped class and I busted in on him at his house.

"He was just laying there and he looked so cute and so..." I trailed off. "I mean I like him Sunny."

"Oh Lanie. This is not good at all. First of all, you should have called me!"

"You were on your honeymoon! I wasn't going to bust in all 'hey I have a problem!'"

"That's what friends are for, and it's not like you were dealing with a minor crises. You got hit pretty hard. Look, about Steph... I don't like her. You know this, and I'm not going to bad mouth her because she is still your family. But, I think she's jealous and that she wants to claim all the pain for herself and have people feel sorry for her. I'm not saying you should give up on her, but... I'm going to say this and you can't get mad, alright?" She looked at me seriously. I nodded.

"I think you chase relationships you know are unattainable. I mean you keep trying wit Steph, even though ever since your Uncle died she's always kept you at a distance. You fell for John even though the whole time he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship, and now you're moving on to Matt, who at the very least isn't going to hook up with you and then dump you, but he's been very clear on where he stands."

"I don't know. Maybe you're right. But there's also the fact that it's not like this place is booming with choices. Maybe I'm just falling for what's available."

"Have you talked at Matt at all since? I mean did you freak him out or how did he respond?" Sunny asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"He was sleeping, or so I thought. He woke up and smiled at me when I did it. But no, I haven't talked to him. Maybe he won't even remember? I don't know. I guess I should check on him. I told him I would. Should I call him or...."

"Text him. Keep it simple." Sunny said.

I picked up my phone. 'Hey. How ya feeling?' I typed. I hit send before I could change my mind, and then I threw my phone in my drawer.

"You always do that." Sunny said, laughing. "You know you'll get a text whether or not it's hidden, right?"

"I know, but this way I don't obsess over it."

"Hey... I am sorry, about not telling you John was watching the house. I didn't think you'd have a reason to go over there... I just felt sort of weird about it. I mean he screwed you over and I have the guy watching my place." Sunny examined an end piece of her hair, avoiding eye contact with me.

"It's fine." I said, waving her off. "Seriously. We're not in third grade and nobody has to pick sides. John was Noah's friend. I understand."

With that, we went back to work, and I didn't allow myself to check my phone until lunch. I finally caved at lunch and was relieved to see that I did have a blinking light.

Matt: I live! Going out for drinks tonight wanna come?

"He wants to meet for drinks!" I said, showing Sunny my phone. She frowned at it.

"Don't get too excited. That just means he either doesn't remember what happened, or he wasn't freaked out by it."

I shot her a look. "Thanks, Debbie Downer."

"I'm not trying to down you, I'm trying to ground you. I don't want you to get your hopes up and have them dashed to floor."

Matt and I made plans to meet up later, after work, and I used the rest of my lunch break to run home to make myself actually look presentable. Sunny rolled her eyes at me when I told her where I was going, but honestly even if I hadn't been crushing on Matt, I still probably would have made the mad dash home.

We arranged to meet at the same bar I had fought with Steph in. I arrived a few minutes before our scheduled meeting time and knew I'd be the first one to arrive. Normally I hated being the first and probably would have hung back in the car for a few more minutes, but I decided a drink to calm my nerves was exactly what I needed.

The place was more lively than the last time I had been, but not exactly crowded either. I scanned the bar for Matt - he's pretty hard to miss - and not seeing him, I sat down at a table. The waitress came by and took my order, and a few minutes later a guy approached my table.

"Hey... Are you waiting for Matt too?" I looked up, and it was his friend from the last time. My heart sank a little - this wasn't a single thing. But Matt did say he was going out for drinks so...

"Yeah, you too?" I said. "Sit down. Chris, right?"

He sat. "Yeah, Lanie?"

I nodded. "I owe you an apology - about last time. It's pretty embarassing. Normally I don't act like that."

He waved me off. "I have cousins too. And siblings. Family is complicated. You're supposed to love them all the time but sometimes you just want to shoot them."

I laughed. "Yeah. That's right."

The waitress came back at this point, bringing my drink and taking Chris' order. Just as she walked away, my phone buzzed.

Matt: Sorry, not feeling well again. Can't make it. I frowned.

"That was Matt. He cancelled."

"Oh well... Do you have anywhere to be? I mean, at least finish your drink wit me?" He asked, pointing to my full bottle.

I felt weird about it - I wasn't great with new people. But even though things with Chris had been weird the first time, he put me at ease. He took control of the conversation, which I appreciated, and he made me laugh. I also noticed what a nice smile he had, and soon one beer turned into two, and then three, and then I was sipping on some water and we were still talking.

"I better go." I said, glancing at my cell phone. "Mornings come early."

He nodded, and waved the waitress over. Despite my protests, he paid, and then he stood. "Let me walk you to your car."

We stood at y car, a little awkwardly.

"I have a confession to make." He said, looking down. "I asked Matt to set this up. I wanted to talk to you more and last time didn't end so well."

"Oh..." I said trailing off. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was flattering that someone would do something like that to talk to me, but I couldn't shake the disappointment I felt that Matt was trying to set me up with someone else.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked.

Again, I felt put on the spot. I'm sure some girls would have considered it romantic to ask for permission, but I just felt like I had to say yes. So I nodded, and he reached up to touch my face and lowered his lips to mine. I was surprised with how soft and warm his lips were.

He pulled away slowly. "I'll let you go. I'll call you, OK?"

I just nodded and then got into my car. I sat, watching him walk away, realizing that I never gave him my number. I was about to call him back to tell him that but then realized that he'd probably just get it from Matt.

I wondered if he'd tell Matt about the kiss.