It's my party

Time went on in what seemed to be slow motion. I felt like I was in a fog, able to only focus on the task before me, not really sensing anything going on outside. Another week passed, and I showed up to work one morning to find a cupcake on my desk. "What's this?" I asked Sunny, who had actually beaten me to work for a change.

"Do you really not know?" She asked, shaking her head. "Happy birthday Melanie."

I glanced at the calendar, confused. Sure enough...

"Well thank you." I said, setting down my bag and moving the cupcake off to the side of my desk.

"We're going out tonight." Sunny said, matter-of-factly. I opened my mouth to protest, but she quickly cut me off. "Don't even bother. This has been in the works as a surprise for awhile, you can't say no. I'm worried about you and if you don't want me to be, you'll come out with us tonight."

I hesitated for a moment, but then thought of my alternative evening - going home to play candy crush on facebook and watching more reality television, while getting harassed by Sunny via text.

"Fine. What time?"

"We'll leave from here to go to your place to get ready. And dont ask me what we're doing, it's a surprise."

Sunny helped me get ready, but this time I didn't let her pick my outfit. I took her guidance since I didn't know where we were going, but I settled on my cowboy boots, a pair of dark jeans, a pink sparkly tank top with a black sweater overtop. Sunny nodded her approval and before left, ran back to her room to and returned with her cowboy hat. She plopped it on my head. I rolled my eyes but kept the hat on as we headed out. We drove out of our small town toward the city, and I knew we had to be going to a bar, that was really the only reason to leave our town. Sure enough, about a half hour later we pulled into a parking garage.

"Can you tell me where we're going now?" I asked, but Sunny just shook her head.

"Five minute walk and we'll be there." She said.

We walked down an alley and stopped in front of a door. The sign above the bar said 'Howling at the moon.' We were at a piano bar.

"Don't give me that look. It's not karaoke. There will be singers, you can sing along, dance, get drunk. Blow off some steam Mellie. It's your birthday."

"You're buying the drinks." I said, and in we went.

A small group of people were already there - Matt had showed, which surprised me, and of course Noah was there. Nina, who was a new hire at the pizza shop was there. Lindsay and Laura, two girls we went to high school with were also there. I didn't mind the smaller crowd, but it did make me a little depressed. I did have a lot of friends, but most of those people had left town and I was now only facebook friends with them. Maybe it was a part of growing up, I don't know, but it made me sad to realize that had I thrown my own party, I wouldnt have even thought to invite Nina, Lindsay or Laura.

Despite being bummed, the music started going and who can't resist singing along to Friends In Low Places? Pretty soon I was really into it, dancing with the girls and even with Matt a little. It helped that I was about four drinks in at this point. I was starting to be glad I did come out, and that's when I saw Sunny's face had turned white and her mouth had dropped open. I turned to follow her gaze and felt my own mouth fall open.

"I invited him when I planned this - when you two were together, I didn't think he'd..." She trailed off.

"Hi." John said, standing in front of me. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks." I said back. We stood, looking at each other awkwardly for a moment.

"Can I buy you a birthday drink?" He asked, leaning close so he could be heard over the loud music.

I nodded - I wasn't sure what else to do, and I knew John would walk away to the bar. When he did, I walked back up the stairs and outside. My ears were ringing from the sudden lack of noise, and I was wearing no coat which got some strange looks from the people who were outside smoking. I expected a few minutes of peace before Sunny followed me, so I was again surprised when two seconds later, it was John who came out.

"I saw you run. I shouldn't have come." He said, leaning against the wall next to me.

"I'm just confused as to why you did?" I said, rubbing my forehead to ease the tension that was starting to form behind my eyes.

"I missed you." He said simply. "I've been wanting to call, but I didn't know what to say. I remembered Sunny mentioning this and I just thought... Well I guess I figured you couldn't hang up on me if I ambushed you."

"I missed you too." I admitted to the ground.

"Really?" He said, moving closer to me.

"Well yeah. Ending things wasn't exactly my idea." I said, looking up at him.

He took my face in his hands. "Is it OK if I...?" He asked. I couldn't answer, so I just nodded, and he kissed me.

I felt my heart explode - this was what I had hoped would happen, and while it took some time and a little bit of pain to get there, I was there. We could go to Sunny's wedding together! I would no longer have to dread my best friends wedding anymore! I wrapped my arms around John's neck and deepened the kiss. Best birthday ever!

"Lanie..." John said as he broke the kiss, his breath ragged. "Are you sure you're OK with this?"

"OK? This is what I wanted! I'm so happy right now." I said, laughing. "Why wouldn't I be OK?"

"Because I'm still seeing Hailey?" John said.

My heart exploded again, but this time it didn't feel good.

"Seriously John? What the fuck?" I asked, pushing him away.

"I was honest with you Melanie."

"And I was honest with you. My position hasn't changed. You shouldn't have come." I said, turning my back on him to walk back inside. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.

"Don't walk away! Can't we discuss this?" His eyes were soft, his voice pleading. I almost broke.

"What is there to discuss? You want what you want, and it's not what I want. If you want to be with me so badly, then be with me and JUST me, and if you can't do that..." I trailed off.

He was quiet for a moment, and I almost got hopeful, but I checked my feelings - I had been let down so many times before.

"Can we at least be friends?" He asked quietly.

I shook my head. "Not right now. Maybe after some time, but. I love you John. I can't be around you and not be with you." It was the first time I had admitted that I loved him. I wasn't sure I should have said it, but I also knew that if I didn't, I'd always wonder if it would have changed anything.

John just nodded, and without saying anything else, turned to walk away. I should have gone inside as well, I was cold and I knew my friends were waiting to see what happened, but I just couldn't face the noise and the good times right now. I wanted to go home.

As if on cue, Matt exited the building just then, and seeing me, he instantly shrugged off his jacket and put it around my shoulders. It swamped me, but it was so warm, so I tucked myself into it.

"John leave?" He asked.

I nodded.

"You OK?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"I'm leaving, I have an early start tomorrow. Do you want a lift home?"

I nodded again, and then cleared my throat. "Can you text Sunny and let her know? I don't want to go back in there right now.

Matt nodded and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. He shot off the text, stuck the phone in his back pocket, and to my surprise, wrapped an arm around me. I leaned into his side, not realizing how much I needed the support, and it was then that I finally let myself cry.

"Oh Melanie, don't do that." Matt said, wrapping another arm around me.

"It's my party Matt. I'll cry if I want too."

We stood like that for a long moment, me crying into Matt's shirt, him hugging me, me being too sad to be embarassed like I should have been. Then I pulled myself together, pulled back, and wiped my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I just don't understand. I mean I knew it was going to happen, everyone told me it would, and I knew it would end like this, but I just don't get why it has to end like this."

Matt nodded and started walking, and I followed him quietly to his car. We got inside and he started the car, and then sat for a moment. Finally he turned to me.

"Nobody can tell you why things happen. Don't spend too much time on wondering why, because you'll never really know. Some people will tell you that everything happens for a reason. I don't know if I believe that or not. What I do know is that everything happens the way it happens, and you can't change it after the fact, so it's not worth worrying about. Be sad if you need to be sad, but don't beat yourself up, and don't dwell over the past because it won't do any good. You'll be alright. Take it one day at a time."

He then put the car in reverse, paid the garage attendent, and drove me home.