....Still no update. I know. I'm sorry. I still cannot install word for some reason and despite asking my husband Monday and today, he still has not done it (and he didn't work and we weren't really doing anything, so I'm not really happy about it.) He is putting the boys to bed now and when he comes out I'm going to ask him again. I apologize.

Sorry, I meant to update and it's been a crazy week (Jer's and my anniversary was today, and we've been fighting because his idea of celebrating was to go and walk around the outdoor mall.) I got a new laptop (I was renting the old one until we got our taxes back and I could buy a new one, which I did.) It does not have word on it at all. I tried to download it and it keeps giving me errors. Jer is off tomorrow so he's going to work on it to see what's wrong. To be honest, it might be more user error than anything because I'm kind of downloading stupid. Good news is the post is done (I emailed it to myself from the laptop before we returned it) so as soon as he can download and install it, we should be good to go.

For me it isn't over

I didn't tell Sunny what happened. I just told her that I told John it'd be best if he left and he did, and I asked Matt not to say anything to her. Perhaps it was mean to keep her in the dark, but John was going to be in her wedding, he was Noah's best friend, and I knew how pissed off she would be at him. I didn't want to create any problems, especially since we had this dinner with her Mother tonight where she dropped the bomb about her brother.

I also didn't want to hear anything about how John was a jerk, which I knew would be the first thing out of Sunny's mouth. It tended to be most peoples go to response. "What an asshole." Well, yeah. But I cared about that asshole, and now I just feel even stupider than I'm hurting over some asshole who doesn't matter. I just needed time and space to get over it - telling me I shouldn't feel sad because he was a jerk was not going to stop me from feeling sad.

John's also my first "breakup", I guess, and I was finding that even though I knew how he acted was pretty low, when I was in bed by myself, my mind never went to his jerky moments. Instead it went straight to the good times - him holding me while I cried about my Uncle, tickle fights on the couch, him giving me that stupid star necklace. I was constantly telling myself that he didn't want me, no matter how nice he had been to me at times - it was like my brain was a two year old toddler who had to have directions repeated to it every five seconds.

Sunny got ready at our place. Noah was a little butt-hurt that he wasn't also being brought along (which I could understand. Sunny said she didn't want her Mom to feel ganged up on, so I once again offered to sit it out so Noah could go, and she refused.) Sunny said he was sulking and had run to my place. To be honest, this made me nervous as well. I was happy to be there for Sunny, but she was marrying Noah and I thought it was a little weird she was choosing me to be present over him. But again, not a conversation I really wanted to delve into right now.

"Does she have any idea why we're meeting her tonight?" I asked as I drove to the restaurant.

"Nope. I told her wedding stuff." Sunny fiddled with the radio.

"Is your Dad coming?"

She shook her head. "I asked girls only."

"You know she's totally going to feel ambushed right? I mean you are prepared for the fact that she might be pissed off?" I said, stopping at a red light and turning to look at her.

"I didn't do anything wrong." She said, a defensive edge in her tone.

"No, you didn't. But, this is a big deal Sunny, and she could react and be totally happy about it. But, she could get pissed off. I mean have you talked to your brother at all about why he left?"

Her jaw clenched at this, and I could tell she was now angry. "Scotty's gay. Did I tell you that? Mom and Dad didn't like that so they tried to change him. He couldn't handle it and left."

"Your Mom didn't like Scotty because he's gay?" I said, unable to keep the disbelief out of my voice. Sunny's Mom was pretty liberal - it just didn't add up.

"I know. But, you know, Mom can say she supports same sex marriage all she wants, it's a different ball game when it's your child. That's why I didn't invite Dad. Scotty said Dad was pretty hard on him. I just didn't want him to put ideas into Mom's head before I talked to her."

"Huh. Well. I mean. I just... Try to keep calm, OK?" I said as we pulled up to the restaurant.

I had suggested something more private - asking her Mom over for dinner at our house - but Sunny had nixed it, saying there was less of a chance for a spectacle if we were out in public. I personally thought there was MORE of a risk of a spectacle, since if Sunny's Mom DID get upset, there would be more witnesses. But once again, I can't tell Sunny anything, so I let it slide. She was already there, seated at a table in the back, a number indicating that she had already ordered. Sunny waved, and we walked up to the counter to place our own orders and get our own numbers before making our way back to her.

"How are you girls?" She said, hugging us both. "The big day is so close! Are you ready?"

We sat, and Sunny nervously rubbed her hands together. "We're doing good on most parts. But there's something I wanted to talk to you about..."

"Uh oh. Need more money? Honey you should have asked your father if that was the case." She said, laughing. Her laugh quickly faded when she realized Sunny wasn't laughing with her. "What's wrong? Nothing happened did it?"

"No Mom, I mean the wedding is still on..."

"Are you pregnant?"

"No. I just..." Sunny looked to me for help, but I wasn't going to step in and do this for her. I nodded my head in encouragement, and she blew out a frustrated sigh.

"It's the guest list." I offered.

"What's wrong with the guest list?" She asked, looking from me back to Sunny.

"Mom... I had someone contact me and I'm going to invite them and I thought I should give you a heads up."

"Okay..." Sunny's Mom looked confused and nervous, and I didn't blame her. Sunny could not be handling this any worse. "I got a facebook message awhile back from Scotty. We've been talking."

"Scotty?" Her mother asked, and it was clear she was searching her brain trying to remember who Scotty was. I don't think she forgot about her son, I think it just didn't occur to her that Sunny might actually be in contact with her brother.

"Mom... You know... Scotty." Sunny said. She was now starting to squirm, clearly nervous for her mothers reaction.

And it became clear when Sunny's mother realized who she was talking about. Her eyes went still and her face went white. She opened her mouth, and then pursed her lips shut. She sat there for what must have been the most uncomfortable and longest minute of my life before the server interrupted by dropping our food on the table. While I'm sure we were all grateful for the interruption, I don't think any of us were quite hungry anymore.

"When... How..." She started. Then she stopped, shut her eyes for a long moment, and when she opened them again, there were tears in her eyes. "Is he OK?" She finally settled on.

"He's great. Living in Colorado with his boyfriend. He turned out really well, despite not getting any help from his parents." Sunny countered back, her eyes level and cold.

"Maybe I should let you guys work this out on your own..." I said, starting to stand.

"No. Stay. Eat. It's fine." Sunny said, stabbing at her salad.

"Sunny, I'm not sure where all this anger is coming from. Your brother made the choice to leave - nobody made him go." "But you guys most certainly didn't make it enjoyable for him to stick around, did you?" Sunny sneered.

I loved Sunny to death, but her middle name should have been Dramatic.

"Sunshine..." Her mother warned.

"Don't Mom. How could you guys? Dad especially. How could you be so hard on him?"

Sunny's Mom sighed and put down her fork. "Sunny. I can't say I did everything right. That's the thing when it comes to being a Mom. I did the best I could. I can't say I always made the right decisions, but I can tell you that when I made those choices, I always did what I thought was best at the time, and I always had the best of intentions. It was not easy to hear that my son is gay, and I won't lie and say that it was. But it wasn't because I thought being gay was wrong. I was sad because every parent wants the best and easiest life possible for their child, and I knew that while I was open minded and accepting, many people in this world are not. I knew it was impossible to save you guys from every hurt you might experience, but I still wanted too. Would I have chosen for him to be gay? No. I would have never chosen for you to have glasses either when you were younger, or braces, because I knew the braces hurt you and someone might make fun of you for both things. I didn't love you any less because you had them, and I don't love your brother any less for being gay."

"Then why were you guys so mean to him?"

"Your brother must have left out a big chunk of the story, Sunny. He was going through what I can now see was a very confusing time in his life. It must have been very scary for him, and I wish... I wish I would have taken a step back and understood that at the time. But I was frustrated, angry, and scared. He was hanging out with the wrong crowd - kids who drank and smoked and stole. Your Dad came down pretty hard on him, probably too hard, but we were scared Sunny. We didn't want to lose him to that, and we also didn't want it to influence you."

"Scotty did say he acted up..." Sunny said. She was now looking a little lost herself. "Is it OK I invited him to the wedding?" She asked, now looking concerned for her mothers feelings.

"Sunny it's your wedding. Invite whoever you want. Honestly I'm just so freaking relieved to hear he's OK. How did you find him?"

"I think I really should go. You guys can catch up on all the details. Sunny I love you and I'll see you at home." I said, making my exit from the table.

I walked outside into the cold wind. I had been so uncomfortable eavesdropping on that conversation that I had just wanted to escape, but now I realized that I was going to spend the night alone again.

Spending every night at home by myself meant that I was completely caught up on all my shows, so I decided to head over to the nearest redbox and rent a movie. I was standing at the machine trying to avoid all the romantic comedies when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"I swear I'm almost done..." I said turning to look at who tapped me.

John. Fucking awesome.

"Take your time. I've been standing here for a moment trying to decide if I should tap you, pretend I didn't see you and hope you didn't see me, or turn and run."

"And you chose tapping because?" I asked, trying and failing to keep the attitude out of my tone.

"Because I figured we're adults, but now I'm rethinking my decision."

"I'm sorry." I said. "It's been a long day. How are you?" I asked.

I was set on playing nice, thinking things couldn't get worse, but of course, Newton's law - things will always get worse. "Hon, I got the snacks, what movie did you pick?"

Haylie. Of course she'd be here too. He used to spend every night with me. Now he probably spends it with her.

"I was just..." John got red in the face, but he recovered quickly. "Haylie, do you know Melanie? Melanie, this is my girlfriend, Haylie."

Girlfriend.
He really just said girlfriend.
He never ever once introduced me as his girlfriend. Never. The biggest thrill I got was when Matt introduced me at the party as his girlfriend, and John didn't bother correcting him.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?

"There's nothing good in here anyway. Your turn, have fun." I said, quickly turning on my heel and walking out of the store. I got in my car and turned it on, fighting the urge to cry. I saw John come out the door, looking for me, but I quickly backed up and sped away. Girlfriend. He called her his girlfriend. I had just asked him to be exclusive with me, and he couldn't do it, but he did with her? It wasn't John after all. It was me - I wasn't good enough.

I picked up my phone and found the number without thinking.

"I know this is weird, but can I please come over?" I sobbed.

I was still crying when I knocked on his door. There was a point where I wouldn't let myself cry, and now I felt like I might never stop crying. He swung the door open, and took one look at me and opened his arms.

"What the hell happened?" Matt said. "Did someone run over your puppy?"

"No..." I said, before another sob escaped. "I'm so sorry.. For bothering... you." I was crying so hard I could barely speak. "Sunny... Is with her... Mom... Noah... Is upset... With Sunny. I don't have... Anyone else..."

"Shhh. Calm down. It's OK. You're not bothering me, I was just catching up on laundry, no big deal... Just come in and tell me what happened."

I took a couple of deep breaths as we walked to the couch. He sat me down and then sat on the ottoman in front of me.

I sniffed. "I feel so dumb. After I left Sunny to have dinner with her Mom, I didn't know what to do with myself. So I went to go rent a movie. I'm standing there and someone taps me on the shoulder and it's him..."

"By him, I assume you mean John?" He asked.

I nodded, tears welling back in my eyes at the sound of his name. Jesus, I was such a baby. "She came up beside him..."

"She being Haylie?"

Again, I just nodded. "And he told me she was his..."

"Girlfriend." Matt finished.

"I was with him for how long? When we were at the bar for my birthday, I asked him to just be with me, and he said he wasn't ready, and that was like, two weeks ago! It wasn't that he wasn't ready, I just wasn't good enough." I broke into a fresh round of sobs. "LISTEN to me. I am so pathetic Matt. I'm so sorry."

He hugged me again. "You are not pathetic. You are sad. You're allowed to be sad. In fact... Hang on one second."

He left the room. I sat there, trying to compose myself, getting almost there before a fresh wave of sadness would hit me and the tears started again. I was beginning to think I had scared Matt off for good when he came back.

"Here." He said, throwing me a bundled of sweats. "My friend left these when he stayed, they'll be a little big on you, but will fit you better than anything I have for you. I ordered a pizza and I think I have brownie mix in the kitchen. Now." He said, walking over to a dvd rack. "I do have some chick flicks - don't make fun of me, I'm a man in touch with my emotions - or if you feel like watching people blow some shit up, I do have movies to suit those needs too. If I don't have anything you want to see, we can pull up netflix. "

"What are you doing?" I asked, confused.

"I'm throwing you a pity party, Lanie. Don't worry about feeling stupid about being sad, just be sad. We'll eat junk, we'll watch crappy movies, you can cry... We'll just get it out of your system, OK?"

"I don't know what to say Matt." I said.

"Don't say anything. Just go change."

Have the post done however we have no internet. We switched to dish network and during the install they cut the internet line (my husbands fault) sorry guys. The earliest they could come out to fix it was wednesday

It's my party

Time went on in what seemed to be slow motion. I felt like I was in a fog, able to only focus on the task before me, not really sensing anything going on outside. Another week passed, and I showed up to work one morning to find a cupcake on my desk. "What's this?" I asked Sunny, who had actually beaten me to work for a change.

"Do you really not know?" She asked, shaking her head. "Happy birthday Melanie."

I glanced at the calendar, confused. Sure enough...

"Well thank you." I said, setting down my bag and moving the cupcake off to the side of my desk.

"We're going out tonight." Sunny said, matter-of-factly. I opened my mouth to protest, but she quickly cut me off. "Don't even bother. This has been in the works as a surprise for awhile, you can't say no. I'm worried about you and if you don't want me to be, you'll come out with us tonight."

I hesitated for a moment, but then thought of my alternative evening - going home to play candy crush on facebook and watching more reality television, while getting harassed by Sunny via text.

"Fine. What time?"

"We'll leave from here to go to your place to get ready. And dont ask me what we're doing, it's a surprise."

Sunny helped me get ready, but this time I didn't let her pick my outfit. I took her guidance since I didn't know where we were going, but I settled on my cowboy boots, a pair of dark jeans, a pink sparkly tank top with a black sweater overtop. Sunny nodded her approval and before left, ran back to her room to and returned with her cowboy hat. She plopped it on my head. I rolled my eyes but kept the hat on as we headed out. We drove out of our small town toward the city, and I knew we had to be going to a bar, that was really the only reason to leave our town. Sure enough, about a half hour later we pulled into a parking garage.

"Can you tell me where we're going now?" I asked, but Sunny just shook her head.

"Five minute walk and we'll be there." She said.

We walked down an alley and stopped in front of a door. The sign above the bar said 'Howling at the moon.' We were at a piano bar.

"Don't give me that look. It's not karaoke. There will be singers, you can sing along, dance, get drunk. Blow off some steam Mellie. It's your birthday."

"You're buying the drinks." I said, and in we went.

A small group of people were already there - Matt had showed, which surprised me, and of course Noah was there. Nina, who was a new hire at the pizza shop was there. Lindsay and Laura, two girls we went to high school with were also there. I didn't mind the smaller crowd, but it did make me a little depressed. I did have a lot of friends, but most of those people had left town and I was now only facebook friends with them. Maybe it was a part of growing up, I don't know, but it made me sad to realize that had I thrown my own party, I wouldnt have even thought to invite Nina, Lindsay or Laura.

Despite being bummed, the music started going and who can't resist singing along to Friends In Low Places? Pretty soon I was really into it, dancing with the girls and even with Matt a little. It helped that I was about four drinks in at this point. I was starting to be glad I did come out, and that's when I saw Sunny's face had turned white and her mouth had dropped open. I turned to follow her gaze and felt my own mouth fall open.

"I invited him when I planned this - when you two were together, I didn't think he'd..." She trailed off.

"Hi." John said, standing in front of me. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks." I said back. We stood, looking at each other awkwardly for a moment.

"Can I buy you a birthday drink?" He asked, leaning close so he could be heard over the loud music.

I nodded - I wasn't sure what else to do, and I knew John would walk away to the bar. When he did, I walked back up the stairs and outside. My ears were ringing from the sudden lack of noise, and I was wearing no coat which got some strange looks from the people who were outside smoking. I expected a few minutes of peace before Sunny followed me, so I was again surprised when two seconds later, it was John who came out.

"I saw you run. I shouldn't have come." He said, leaning against the wall next to me.

"I'm just confused as to why you did?" I said, rubbing my forehead to ease the tension that was starting to form behind my eyes.

"I missed you." He said simply. "I've been wanting to call, but I didn't know what to say. I remembered Sunny mentioning this and I just thought... Well I guess I figured you couldn't hang up on me if I ambushed you."

"I missed you too." I admitted to the ground.

"Really?" He said, moving closer to me.

"Well yeah. Ending things wasn't exactly my idea." I said, looking up at him.

He took my face in his hands. "Is it OK if I...?" He asked. I couldn't answer, so I just nodded, and he kissed me.

I felt my heart explode - this was what I had hoped would happen, and while it took some time and a little bit of pain to get there, I was there. We could go to Sunny's wedding together! I would no longer have to dread my best friends wedding anymore! I wrapped my arms around John's neck and deepened the kiss. Best birthday ever!

"Lanie..." John said as he broke the kiss, his breath ragged. "Are you sure you're OK with this?"

"OK? This is what I wanted! I'm so happy right now." I said, laughing. "Why wouldn't I be OK?"

"Because I'm still seeing Hailey?" John said.

My heart exploded again, but this time it didn't feel good.

"Seriously John? What the fuck?" I asked, pushing him away.

"I was honest with you Melanie."

"And I was honest with you. My position hasn't changed. You shouldn't have come." I said, turning my back on him to walk back inside. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.

"Don't walk away! Can't we discuss this?" His eyes were soft, his voice pleading. I almost broke.

"What is there to discuss? You want what you want, and it's not what I want. If you want to be with me so badly, then be with me and JUST me, and if you can't do that..." I trailed off.

He was quiet for a moment, and I almost got hopeful, but I checked my feelings - I had been let down so many times before.

"Can we at least be friends?" He asked quietly.

I shook my head. "Not right now. Maybe after some time, but. I love you John. I can't be around you and not be with you." It was the first time I had admitted that I loved him. I wasn't sure I should have said it, but I also knew that if I didn't, I'd always wonder if it would have changed anything.

John just nodded, and without saying anything else, turned to walk away. I should have gone inside as well, I was cold and I knew my friends were waiting to see what happened, but I just couldn't face the noise and the good times right now. I wanted to go home.

As if on cue, Matt exited the building just then, and seeing me, he instantly shrugged off his jacket and put it around my shoulders. It swamped me, but it was so warm, so I tucked myself into it.

"John leave?" He asked.

I nodded.

"You OK?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"I'm leaving, I have an early start tomorrow. Do you want a lift home?"

I nodded again, and then cleared my throat. "Can you text Sunny and let her know? I don't want to go back in there right now.

Matt nodded and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. He shot off the text, stuck the phone in his back pocket, and to my surprise, wrapped an arm around me. I leaned into his side, not realizing how much I needed the support, and it was then that I finally let myself cry.

"Oh Melanie, don't do that." Matt said, wrapping another arm around me.

"It's my party Matt. I'll cry if I want too."

We stood like that for a long moment, me crying into Matt's shirt, him hugging me, me being too sad to be embarassed like I should have been. Then I pulled myself together, pulled back, and wiped my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I just don't understand. I mean I knew it was going to happen, everyone told me it would, and I knew it would end like this, but I just don't get why it has to end like this."

Matt nodded and started walking, and I followed him quietly to his car. We got inside and he started the car, and then sat for a moment. Finally he turned to me.

"Nobody can tell you why things happen. Don't spend too much time on wondering why, because you'll never really know. Some people will tell you that everything happens for a reason. I don't know if I believe that or not. What I do know is that everything happens the way it happens, and you can't change it after the fact, so it's not worth worrying about. Be sad if you need to be sad, but don't beat yourself up, and don't dwell over the past because it won't do any good. You'll be alright. Take it one day at a time."

He then put the car in reverse, paid the garage attendent, and drove me home.

Skipping this week - sorry. It was my birthday on Thursday and I have a friend leaving town, and then a baby shower tomorrow that I had to make a gift for, so I just didn't have time in between celebrating. (I was hoping to get some stuff done during nap time today but Eli's decided to drop naps and then the boy I baby-sit was sick and woke up super early from his nap because he had an accident so believe me, much rather would have been writing than cleaning up poop.)

Hoping to do two posts next week to make up for it (and then if everything goes the way I plan, I wrote ahead awhile ago and it should take me up to that point so we should be good for the next two weeks.

Sorry again, but hey, happy birthday to me!