Can't tell you no

John stayed glued to my side the rest of the night, and I did get my first real New Years kiss. I thought maybe I'd have more to say about it all, except it just... Wasn't that great. The whole episode with Hailey spoiled things for me. John was being exceptionally nice, but there was this nagging voice in the back of my head that said he was being nice not because he wanted too, but because he felt guilty.

I wanted to say something to him, but what could I say? I hadn't actually caught him doing anything with Hailey, and he wasn't my boyfriend so even if I did, it's not like he cheated. I just didn't like the uneasy feeling I had in the pit of my stomach.

So I did what any other girl would do in this situation: I drank until I didn't care anymore. I vaguley remember John and I having a sloppy make out session on Sunny's couch, and then the next thing I knew I woke up in Sunny's guest bed, John's warm arm thrown over me, and a pounding behind my eyes.

I slowly slipped out from under John's arm and threw on one of Noah's sweatshirts that had been thrown over a chair (Noah doesn't believe in putting his laundry away, so there were piles of it all over the guest bedroom.) I padded out to the kitchen, desperate for water and praying I didn't run in to Sunny. I wasn't sure if she'd have questions but I did know I wasn't in the right frame of mind to answer anything right now.

I was in the fridge searching through all the leftover beer for a bottle of water when I heard a throat clear behind me and I jumped, whacking my head on the top of the fridge.

"Ow." I said, pulling my head out of the fridge and rubbing it. I was grateful when I turned to see Noah and Matt standing behind me instead of Sunny.

"How are you feeling?" Noah said, smirking at me.

"Water." I croaked.

Noah reached into the fridge and magically pulled out a bottle that had eluded me only moments before.

"Thanks." I said, taking a long pull on it. "Where's Sunshine?"

"She's not feeling so Sunshine-y. She banished me from my room and there are terrible noises coming from the bathroom in there. I'm not sure if she's hungover or performing an exercisom but she doesn't want me near her and for that I am grateful." Noah said, sitting down at the little kitchen table they had.

Good. If she drank that much she was unlikely to remember anything that I might have done.

"I'm going to go pick up some food. You guys want anything?" Matt said.

"I'll go with you." I said. I wanted to ask him about last night and I didn't want to do it around Noah.

Noah wrote a list of what he wanted, and what he thought Sunny might eat, and off we went.

"So..." I said as soon as I shut the door behind me.

"Have fun last night?" Matt asked, pulling away from Noah's house.

"Kind of... Thanks, for you know, with Hailey..."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said. I studied his face for a hint that he was joking or lying, but I saw none.

"You know, coming to get Hailey when she was talking to John?"

"The girls wanted to do shots, I told them I'd get her. No big deal."

"I guess, I just... You didn't think she and John looked a little too close?"

I saw his jaw clench at this, but then he shook his head. "Melanie, you and John and what you're doing is none of my business."

"Okay." I said. "I just... You told her that I was his girlfriend."

"I know."

"You also know I'm not." I said.

He ran a hand through his hair. "I just didn't think it was the time to delve into 'oh this isn't his girlfriend, it's just the girl he sleeps with on a regular basis.' Girlfriend just seemed a lot easier, and I figured if either of you wanted to dispute it, you would. Which you didn't."

"I just..."

"Don't, Lanie. You know how I feel and nothing good can come of this conversation, so it's probably best to just drop it. It was a good night, right?" He asked, glancing over at me.

"Sure." I lied. "I didn't realize you were staying over."

"I didn't realize it either. One of those girls you saw me talking to last night was trying hard to get me to drive her home. So I fake passed out on the sofa and before I knew it, I had for real passed out."

I laughed. "You know why she wanted you to take her home, right?"

"Yes. That's why I didn't want to take her home."

"You're so weird." I said. "I thought single guys were all about getting laid."

He shook his head. "Not all of us. I learned my lesson."

I wanted to question him more, but we pulled in to the drive-thru and Matt started to order. I told him what I wanted and what I thought John would want and then we headed back home.

We drove back to Noah's in silence. Matt seemed preoccupied, and I didn't feel comfortable bothering him. I felt pretty alone. I knew with the way Sunny felt about John that I couldn't talk to her about it, and Matt didn't seem to want to hear it. I couldn't really blame him, I think I knew like I always knew that this wasn't working, that I needed more.

I had never really had a boyfriend before, but I was one of those people who couldn't understand why girls would let guys treat them badly. I'd never stand for it, or so I thought. I realized that though John treated me well in some aspects, the fact that he couldn't official commit should have been a deal breaker for me. He was basically telling me I wasn't good enough, and I was letting him. The worst part about it all was that I knew I'd continue to let him - I cared about him, I wanted him around, and I was willing to keep him around on his own terms, no matter how it made me feel.

I was feeling pretty low when we got back to Noah's, and I was planning on eating and then asking Noah to run me home, but when I got to the kitchen, John pulled me on to his lap.

"I missed you." He said, dropping a kiss behind my ear.

I smiled, I couldn't help myself. "I was gone for like, ten minutes and you were sleeping."

"I hate it when you're gone." He said, snuggling against my back.

I sighed and settled back against him. I was in big, big trouble.

Life resumed to normal. My life was consumed by work, the class with Matt, John, and Sunny's wedding. John had seemed to kick our non-relationship into full gear, spending pretty much every night at my place, even when I was working late or was busy with helping Sunny with wedding stuff. So, when he told me he had plans one night and that he didn't know if he'd be over, I was sort of relieved.

I loved spending time with him, and after the Hailey fiasco it made me feel better about our situation, but there are things a girl needs to do on her own. Like listen to the backstreet boys while plucking her eyebrows and wearing her ugliest (yet most comfortable) pajamas.

Which is why I was not prepared at all for the knock on my door at eleven o'clock at night. I considered not answering (I was on the couch watching Catfish and eating ice cream straigh from the carton) but when they knocked again, more loudly and urgently, I worried something was wrong.

I opened the door to John, and smiled. "I thought you broke your habit of busting in on me when I look like crap. I didn't think I'd get to see you tonight." I said, going in for a hug.

He hugged me quickly and then stepped back. "I need to talk to you. Can I come inside?"