Good thoughts, please.

I'm trying to make this quick, because it's 3 am and I'd like to go to bed, but I was wondering if you all could send out some positive thoughts for Cayden tomorrow morning? I can't remember if I talked about it here or not, but a few months ago we took Cayden in for an ear infection and the doctor noticed that one of his pupils seemed to be bigger than the other. I had noticed it too before, but didn't ever thing to ask about it(I just figured one was bigger than the other and it was just how he was made.) She said that she thought it was no big deal but sent us to the eye doctor to get checked out just to be on the safe side. At first the doctor thought exactly what I thought - that one pupil just happened to be bigger for no reason (they had a name for it, I dunno what it is now, a big fancy medical name.)

Anyway, long story short, they dilated his eye and it turns out one whole eye is bigger than the other. Turns out, again, this sometimes just happens and it's not a big deal, but there are a couple things that cause her to be concerned. One, the vision on the bigger eye is a lot weaker than the one in the "normal" eye. Two, there are breaks in his cornea, which is associated with trauma to the eye (which he's never had), a forceps assisted birth (again, didn't happen), or high pressure in the eye (basically, glaucoma.) His pressure that day was fine, and she said he could have just had high pressure at one time and his body fixed it BUT that wasn't likely - she's concerned that his eye is having issues regulating pressure and we just happened to catch him on a low pressure day.



She told us he has to wear an eye patch for a few hours a day (pictured here, isn't he the cutest pirate ever? Funny story though, I was trying to be nice and wear a patch in solidarity to make him feel better. While on, it itched and itched and I was like 'man, poor kid, these suck! How can he be sitting there and not messing with his constantly?' Then I go and take mine off - turns out I'm allergic to the adhesive and end up with this awesome looking rash around my eye. So much for solidarity!)

The eye patch goes over the good eye, causing him to rely on the weak eye to hopefully make it stronger. However, we go back tomorrow to re-check his pressure and his vision. SO basically, my whole point of writing this super long 3am post is to ask that you keep him in your thoughts. I know at some point he'll be in glasses, and if that's the outcome of all this, I'm good, but I really hope he doesn't have glaucoma. I don't know a ton about it, but from what I've read it's treatable but may require surgery and I really don't want him to have to go through that.

It's over.

Nothing good comes from 'we need to talk.' Ever. I knew that, John knew that, and so instead of leading him to my bedroom as I had planned when I opened the door, I walked into the kitchen. I busied myself in the fridge so I wouldn't have to look at him, trying to postpone the inevitable.

"You hungry? Thirsty? I have water and beer, I might have soda I don't know if Sunny drank it all..." I was chattering, filling the air with words so that John couldn't drop a bomb on me. And I knew it would be a bomb.

"Melanie... I'm fine. Can you please sit down?" He asked, gesturing to the bar stool next to him.

"I'd rather stand, I think." I said, pulling out a water for myself.

"Well can you at least come over here and look at me?" He asked.

I paused for a moment. I didn't want too, but could I really say no? I trudged over there and leaned against the counter. I forced myself to look at him.

"I really like you Melanie." He said, taking his hand in mine.

"I really like you too..." I said, softening. Maybe I had the wrong idea, maybe he had decided we should be together... Wouldn't it be funny if we got married and I could tell this story at our wedding?

"But I told you I'd be honest with you."

....Or not.

"Oh-kay." I said, resisting the urge to pull my hand back.

"I went out with someone tonight. I thought it was just as friends but then..." He trailed off, and I did pull back my hand.

"So this is it?" I said, turning away from him. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I didn't want him to see.

"It doesn't have to be."

"What do you mean?" I asked, composing myself enough to turn back around to look at him. Would he tell me it was a mistake? Could I forgive him for something like that?

"I mean, we can still continue what we're doing. I just told you I'd tell you if there was anyone else."

"...Are you serious right now?" I asked, feeling the anger starting to overtake the sadness.

"Yes. She knows my situation. I just need time to figure out what I want."

"You are such a dick." I blurted out. "Seriously John?"

"Why are you angry? I didn't do anything wrong."

I was quiet for a moment, trying to get my thoughts in order before I spoke. "You know, I guess you're right. You didn't do anything wrong. We weren't together, I knew that this was a possibility. But I am angry because you hurt me John. I guess in the end it is my fault, I knew this might happen and I decided to take the chance, but I guess I just hoped you cared enough about me that it wouldn't happen. I took a gamble and I lost."

"I DO care about you Lanie, that's why I'm here. I want to be with you." "No you don't. If you wanted to be with me John then you'd be with me. Just me. You wouldn't just be with me until someone else came along, or be with me and some other girl."

"I just need some time, Melanie."

"You've had time John. I've been very patient, maybe too patient, and I think I'm pretty much out of patience. I was dumb enough to wait this long, but if you think I'm dumb enough to sit at home while you go out with another girl in hopes that one day you might wake up and see that I am all you need... Well, you don't know me at all. You take all the time you need, sweetheart, but you will not be biding that time in my bed, or with me."

"I'm sorry." He said, standing.

"So am I." I said.

I don't know if he expected me to hug him, or to yell more, or to ask questions, because he stood there for a moment, watching me. I had nothing left to say. I didn't want to know who the girl was. I didn't feel like yelling. I didn't want to touch him. I just wanted him to leave and I wanted to go to bed so this whole night would be over.

"I'll see you." He said, heading for the door.

And I just let him go.



Now my life was down to work, the class, and the wedding. I didn't say anything to Sunny about what happened with John, but about a week after he left, we were working on wedding things when she cleared her throat.

"I haven't seen John around lately." She said. She didn't look at me, instead kept her gaze on the seating chart she was trying to arrange.

"Yeah. Well..." I trailed off. "Guess he's been busy."

She looked up at me, studying me. "He asked me if he could bring a date to the wedding, Melanie." Her words were harsh, but her tone was careful. She knew I needed to know, but I could tell she didn't want to be the one to tell me. "What should I tell him?"

I shrugged. "Tell him what you want. It's not a big deal to me."

"I don't believe you. And honestly Lanie, I can't believe I had to hear it from him. Why didn't you tell me?" Now her voice sounded angrier.

I was quiet, and all I could think of to do was shrug again.

"You've gotten so weird lately, it's like I don't even know you. First the whole situation with John, which is so unlike you to let someone treat you like that. Then it ends and you don't bother to tell me?"

"I feel fucking stupid Sunny, OK? I'm falling in love with the guy and he's... Using me. And everyone knew he was using me. I knew he was using me, and I let him. What was I supposed to say? 'Oh hey Sunny, what you said was going to happen totally happened. You win!'"

"Do you really think this is about winning or losing? Do you think this is the outcome I wanted for you?" Sunny asked. Her voice was getting shrill - which is what happened when she was close to crying.

"No, Sunny. Of course not, I know it's not what you wanted." I said, lowering my tone. "It's just what you warned me about. It's what everyone warned me about, and it's what I was warning myself about. It's not like I didn't know it was a possibility. I just... I wanted it to work." I threw up my hands, feeling the tears start to build in my eyes.

I hadn't cried yet. I had wanted too, especially at night. I had become accustomed to John's warm body next to mine, the sound of his breathing, and now all I could think about was how cold my bed was, how silent my house was - especially now that Sunny was pretty much living at Noah's. I wondered if he missed me, or if his body was lying next to someone else. I felt like I shouldn't be allowed to be sad. It's like when you're little, and your Mom warns you not to run, and you do anyway and she yells 'well don't come crying to me when you fall!' I played with fire. I got burned. I couldn't complain about it now.

"You're allowed to be sad." Sunny said, as if she could read my mind.

I shrugged again. "It's done. Just tell him his date is fine. No big deal." I said.

Sunny looked at me, and then shook her head. "OK, Lanie. If you're OK with it."

I nodded. I didn't trust myself to say anything else. I turned back toward the scrapbook guestbook project I was working on when Sunny cleared her throat.

"I wanted to ask you something else. I... I realize this isn't the best time for this, but... My brother. He's coming to the wedding."

I turned sharply to look at her, and opened my mouth, but then shut it again, unsure of what to say. Sunny had dropped the bomb that she had been talking with her brother when we were drunk, but honestly I had wondered if I had hallucinated it all in my drunken stupor. She had made no mention of it since. In case you forgot, Sunny's brother had disappeared in the middle of the night when Sunny was five, saying goodbye only to Sunny.

"Well. I... I mean..." I faltered. "How did you find him?"

"He found me, on facebook. I was really angry with him at first... I mean he left me, and I grew up watching Mom worry about him. But he told me what happened, and then I got angry with Mom, thinking about what she did to him, how hard it was for him... And that was awkward because I couldn't really tell her why I was being so cold to her..."

"What'd she do?" I asked, confused. Sunny's Mom was the nicest person, I couldn't imagine her pushing anyone away, let alone her own son.

Sunny swallowed. "He's gay. I mean back then he was just 'confused' and he admits to rebelling a little, but I mean he was what, fifteen? Sixteen. That's what they do. Mom found him messing around with some guy and I guess she flipped and Dad flipped - they had never really gotten along and so... He left."

"That's a lot." I said, unsure of what else to say.

"I know. I want him at the wedding. And he wants to come but..."

"You have to tell your Mom. Seriously Sunny, you can't just drop that on her at your wedding."

"I know. I know." She said, biting her lip. "Can you come with me to tell her?"

"Me?" I said, surprised. "Sunny I think this is maybe a family thing..."

"You are my family Melanie. I just... I need you there."

I felt uncomfortable saying yes. I really did think this was more of a private matter, but Sunny looked so lost sitting there, and I remembered when she was there when my Uncle died.

"Name the time and place." I answered.

There will be a new post up tonight - sorry about the wait. I actually started it early (over the weekend) and had a huge chunk of it done and thought "I'll actually get it up early and maybe even have a chance for a double post!"

Ha. Ha ha ha.

Jeremy started his new job, which is GREAT. He's only in training right now, but he seems to be doing really well and he really likes it. The only thing that sucks is his schedule. I'm used to him being home by one o'clock in the afternoon at the latest. Occasionally he'd have some later days, but they were rare. Now he's not off until 6:30 and it's a drive, so he's not usually home until 7. I'm not complaining, it's just an adjustment because I'm used to him handling dinner and stuff (I honestly cannot tell you how many times these past few weeks Cayden has come up to me and said "Mommy, I'm hungry what's for dinner?" and I realized, oh shit, it's 5:30 and I have no clue!)

I also started watching my neighbor's kids for her, and she's in training right now, so her schedule sucks as well. Basically from 9-6 I have either three or four kids to take care of. Two of them go to school, but they go at different times, so I have to take three kids with me to pick her son up from pre-k, only to turn around to drop my son off a couple hours later and then pick them back up. We've been skipping a lot of school because putting four kids in a car in this cold weather is stupid.

Next week it's going to get so much easier, because Jeremy will start his normal schedule and so will my neighbor. Jer will be off three days a week and the rest of the time won't go in until 1:30, and she won't be dropping her kids off until 12:00, and I'll only have to take the gang out to pick up my son from school, instead of taking them to pick up her son from school, drop off my son from school, and pick him back up (It doesn't sound like much, but to pick her son up from school, I have to load three kids in the car, unload three kids when we get to school, then load four kids in the car, and unload four kids when we get home, and then repeat that two more times. I am SO happy about the fact that I don't have to pick up her son or drop my son off anymore. SO happy.)

Anyway, all in all, I'm stoked about Jeremy's new job, because it seems like we might FINALLY be on solid ground again, and watching my neighbors kids is giving me my own income of sorts (so I stop feeling so guilty asking Jeremy for money in order to buy him birthday gifts or Christmas gifts) but it's been an adjustment and def. is taking more time management skills which is not my strong suit, lol.

Long story short, forgive me, it really is almost done, I just need a couple more paragraphs to wrap it up and we're good.

Before I forget, I think someone asked for the link to the old blog. It's www.nothingmorethanapathy.blogspot.com and I think this should take you to the first post: http://www.nothingmorethanapathy.blogspot.com/2009_07_01_archive.html

Can't tell you no

John stayed glued to my side the rest of the night, and I did get my first real New Years kiss. I thought maybe I'd have more to say about it all, except it just... Wasn't that great. The whole episode with Hailey spoiled things for me. John was being exceptionally nice, but there was this nagging voice in the back of my head that said he was being nice not because he wanted too, but because he felt guilty.

I wanted to say something to him, but what could I say? I hadn't actually caught him doing anything with Hailey, and he wasn't my boyfriend so even if I did, it's not like he cheated. I just didn't like the uneasy feeling I had in the pit of my stomach.

So I did what any other girl would do in this situation: I drank until I didn't care anymore. I vaguley remember John and I having a sloppy make out session on Sunny's couch, and then the next thing I knew I woke up in Sunny's guest bed, John's warm arm thrown over me, and a pounding behind my eyes.

I slowly slipped out from under John's arm and threw on one of Noah's sweatshirts that had been thrown over a chair (Noah doesn't believe in putting his laundry away, so there were piles of it all over the guest bedroom.) I padded out to the kitchen, desperate for water and praying I didn't run in to Sunny. I wasn't sure if she'd have questions but I did know I wasn't in the right frame of mind to answer anything right now.

I was in the fridge searching through all the leftover beer for a bottle of water when I heard a throat clear behind me and I jumped, whacking my head on the top of the fridge.

"Ow." I said, pulling my head out of the fridge and rubbing it. I was grateful when I turned to see Noah and Matt standing behind me instead of Sunny.

"How are you feeling?" Noah said, smirking at me.

"Water." I croaked.

Noah reached into the fridge and magically pulled out a bottle that had eluded me only moments before.

"Thanks." I said, taking a long pull on it. "Where's Sunshine?"

"She's not feeling so Sunshine-y. She banished me from my room and there are terrible noises coming from the bathroom in there. I'm not sure if she's hungover or performing an exercisom but she doesn't want me near her and for that I am grateful." Noah said, sitting down at the little kitchen table they had.

Good. If she drank that much she was unlikely to remember anything that I might have done.

"I'm going to go pick up some food. You guys want anything?" Matt said.

"I'll go with you." I said. I wanted to ask him about last night and I didn't want to do it around Noah.

Noah wrote a list of what he wanted, and what he thought Sunny might eat, and off we went.

"So..." I said as soon as I shut the door behind me.

"Have fun last night?" Matt asked, pulling away from Noah's house.

"Kind of... Thanks, for you know, with Hailey..."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said. I studied his face for a hint that he was joking or lying, but I saw none.

"You know, coming to get Hailey when she was talking to John?"

"The girls wanted to do shots, I told them I'd get her. No big deal."

"I guess, I just... You didn't think she and John looked a little too close?"

I saw his jaw clench at this, but then he shook his head. "Melanie, you and John and what you're doing is none of my business."

"Okay." I said. "I just... You told her that I was his girlfriend."

"I know."

"You also know I'm not." I said.

He ran a hand through his hair. "I just didn't think it was the time to delve into 'oh this isn't his girlfriend, it's just the girl he sleeps with on a regular basis.' Girlfriend just seemed a lot easier, and I figured if either of you wanted to dispute it, you would. Which you didn't."

"I just..."

"Don't, Lanie. You know how I feel and nothing good can come of this conversation, so it's probably best to just drop it. It was a good night, right?" He asked, glancing over at me.

"Sure." I lied. "I didn't realize you were staying over."

"I didn't realize it either. One of those girls you saw me talking to last night was trying hard to get me to drive her home. So I fake passed out on the sofa and before I knew it, I had for real passed out."

I laughed. "You know why she wanted you to take her home, right?"

"Yes. That's why I didn't want to take her home."

"You're so weird." I said. "I thought single guys were all about getting laid."

He shook his head. "Not all of us. I learned my lesson."

I wanted to question him more, but we pulled in to the drive-thru and Matt started to order. I told him what I wanted and what I thought John would want and then we headed back home.

We drove back to Noah's in silence. Matt seemed preoccupied, and I didn't feel comfortable bothering him. I felt pretty alone. I knew with the way Sunny felt about John that I couldn't talk to her about it, and Matt didn't seem to want to hear it. I couldn't really blame him, I think I knew like I always knew that this wasn't working, that I needed more.

I had never really had a boyfriend before, but I was one of those people who couldn't understand why girls would let guys treat them badly. I'd never stand for it, or so I thought. I realized that though John treated me well in some aspects, the fact that he couldn't official commit should have been a deal breaker for me. He was basically telling me I wasn't good enough, and I was letting him. The worst part about it all was that I knew I'd continue to let him - I cared about him, I wanted him around, and I was willing to keep him around on his own terms, no matter how it made me feel.

I was feeling pretty low when we got back to Noah's, and I was planning on eating and then asking Noah to run me home, but when I got to the kitchen, John pulled me on to his lap.

"I missed you." He said, dropping a kiss behind my ear.

I smiled, I couldn't help myself. "I was gone for like, ten minutes and you were sleeping."

"I hate it when you're gone." He said, snuggling against my back.

I sighed and settled back against him. I was in big, big trouble.

Life resumed to normal. My life was consumed by work, the class with Matt, John, and Sunny's wedding. John had seemed to kick our non-relationship into full gear, spending pretty much every night at my place, even when I was working late or was busy with helping Sunny with wedding stuff. So, when he told me he had plans one night and that he didn't know if he'd be over, I was sort of relieved.

I loved spending time with him, and after the Hailey fiasco it made me feel better about our situation, but there are things a girl needs to do on her own. Like listen to the backstreet boys while plucking her eyebrows and wearing her ugliest (yet most comfortable) pajamas.

Which is why I was not prepared at all for the knock on my door at eleven o'clock at night. I considered not answering (I was on the couch watching Catfish and eating ice cream straigh from the carton) but when they knocked again, more loudly and urgently, I worried something was wrong.

I opened the door to John, and smiled. "I thought you broke your habit of busting in on me when I look like crap. I didn't think I'd get to see you tonight." I said, going in for a hug.

He hugged me quickly and then stepped back. "I need to talk to you. Can I come inside?"

New post below

Thank you all for the well wishes towards my Mom - she's fine. Three days spent in the hospital and all they could tell her is that she's fine. I mean I'd rather her go in and be checked out (she was having chest pains, and she had an issue within the past year where she had to get a stent placed, so better safe than sorry.) It was just a stressful day because I had to take my brother to his appointment for his heart thing and they told us they thought he was in afib or whatever, and I had the kids and had promised them we could go to COSI which I had been promising them forever, so basically it was a day of running everyone everywhere and lots of parking garages with two small kids, lol.

Everything's good now, so far, but I am pretty busy. Jeremy started his new job which is good, but he's currently working a second job as well and is pretty much gone from 9am-2am (he comes home for an hour between jobs) So I'm on with the kids all the time, and I've started watching my neighbors kids as well, so it's been busy. I'm happy, because it's money which we need, but it's just hectic.

Mum - to answer your question about the other post, no there is nothing missing. I was trying to jump to a whole "later on", but probably should have just said "Later on" and I'm not sure why I didn't, lol. I know you weren't complaining, but I really don't edit my stuff at all, so if you guys ever see anything, that's probably why it happened. I know I SHOULD edit, buuuuut I pretty much hate doing it, and I've had people volunteer to edit for me before but I barely get posts done on time now, let alone in time for people to edit and then to post, so, just give me a shout out when you see something major :-)

How's everyone else doing?

Dropping the ball

My Christmas was pretty decent. My Mom actually took off work for a change, but then just flew around the house in a whirlwind – she was there, but she was so busy with other things that I’m not sure she sat down and really talked to any of us. That’s just how she was though.

My sister and her husband were there, and they had the best present of all – she’s pregnant! I’m excited, I know it’s something she’s been wanting and to be honest, it’s something I’ve been wanting (for her, not for me.)

Other than that, it was the same old Christmas most people do – too much delicious food, lots of gifts, and I was exhausted when it was over. I also missed John. We hadn’t talked much because I was trying to let him spend time with his family, but I wanted him home and in my bed.

I realized I had gotten a bit snippy with Sunny over her opinion of John and I, so after Christmas I agreed to let her take me and my new giftcards to pick out an outfit for New Years Eve. I knew the second we walked into the first dark-music way too loud-too much cologne sprayed store that I had made a big mistake.

“Do they want to dull every sense but touch so you just buy the first thing you grab?” I said to Sunny as we groped our way around the store.

“What?” She shouted back. I just shook my head.

We left that store and I got nothing but a pounding headache. The next store we walked into had light, and for a second I considered dropping to my knees and thanking God for the light, but then I realized this meant you could actually SEE the clothes – I tried to spin on my heel and walk out, but Sunny grabbed my arm.

“It’s not that bad, stop being so dramatic.” She said before going through the racks.

She sent me to the dressing room with an armful of dresses. None of them were great, but I settled on the least offensive one – a black sparkly dress with a skirt shorter than I liked but at least it had long sleeves. It did have a cut out in the back to show a good part of my lower back, but better my back than my stomach or cleavage.

“Crap.” I said as we walked out of the store, bags in hand (Sunny had bought an outrageous neon orange scrap of fabric that she called a dress. How come the less fabric they use, the more a garment costs?)

“Second thoughts already?” Sunny asked, smirking at me.

“I just realized I used the visa gift card my Aunt sent me to buy that.”

“So?” She asked.

“My Aunt Annie. The nun. I can’t tell her I bought a dress with it, she’ll ask to see a picture, and then she’ll spend the rest of her life saying hail Mary’s or whatever to save my soul. I can’t ruin her like that.”

“Tell her you bought a book. Books are safe.” Sunny said as she stopped to peek inside Victoria’s Secret.

“What book?” I asked.

“The bible, of course.” Sunny said giggling. “C’mon, let’s get you something to wear under that.”

Sunny and I had such a good time that day that when she asked if we could get ready for the party together, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. I forgot, however, that when Sunny says “get ready together” it means she ambushes you with a makeover. I was plucked, polished, buffed, shined, and glossed. I hadn’t yet seen my face, but the way Sunny was smiling at me, I already felt uneasy.

“You look so great.” She said, pulling me to a mirror. “Look.”

My mouth dropped open and I touched my face only to watch the person in the mirror touch her face too. And that’s when it hit me – that person was me. It wasn’t that I didn’t look good, I did. I just didn’t look anything like me.

Sunny had curled my normally slightly wavy hair into tight ringlets, my eyes were dark and smoky, my lips were red, my skin bronzed. My dress was a lot more form fitting than I remembered, the bra I had bought at Victoria’s Secret made me look stacked, and my heels made my legs look about ten miles long and toned. I know I should have been stoked – I looked on sex on heels, but I just didn’t see any me.

Still, Sunny and I had been getting along, and she had put hours into making me over. I didn’t want to make her feel bad or cause a fight, especially right before the party.

“I look amazing. Thank you Sunny.” I said, smiling at her. “You also look really good.”

And that wasn’t a lie. I had been extremely skeptical when I saw the bright orange washcloth Sunny had bought, but despite it being skimpy, Sunny made it work – she always did.

Sunny drove us back to Noah’s – the boys were there “setting up” (which basically meant going on a liquor run and carrying it all in the house, as well as popping in the appetizers Sunny and I had made earlier.) We walked in the house, and John walked right by me without saying anything.

“Uh, hello?” I said, and watched him whip around.

“Oh!” He said. “I didn’t recognize you. You look…”

“I know. I’m a Sunny original.” I said.

He hugged me. “It looks good on you, just… Not what I’m used too.”

“Well don’t get used to it, it’ll be back to jeans and sneakers tomorrow.”

“Good.” He said, kissing my forehead. “Want a drink?”

“Of course.” I said, and went to settle on the couch (the only way I was going to survive the night in these heels was going to be to sit as much as possible with my legs glued shut so I wouldn’t show my hello no-no kitty.)

People started showing up, people we knew from highschool, some of Noah’s work friends, people Noah and John knew in school, and soon Noah’s small house was filled with people. John had brought me my drink, but then had disappeared, I assumed to mingle with people he hadn’t seen in a while. I didn’t care, I had plenty of people to keep me entertained, but the closer it got to midnight, the more I wanted to be near him. I finally gave up my position on the sofa to go find him and some more booze.

Instead I found Matt, standing in the kitchen drinking a soda and walking to a group of girls. He glanced at me when I walked it and then did a double take.

He let out a low whistle. “Why Miss Melanie, you clean up nice.”

A couple of the girls shot me a dirty look, and I was feeling loose enough from the drinks I had already had to egg them on by giving Matt a hug. In my heels, I still only came up to his nipples. I would have ruffled his blonde hair if I had been able to reach it.

“Why thank you, this is brought to you by the fabulous Miss Sunny. Don’t get used to it. How was your Christmas?”

“Good. And yours?”

“Excellent.” I said, turning to pour myself another drink. “Have you see Mr. John? Do you know why I’m calling everyone Mister and Miss?”

I thought Matt would laugh at that last part, but instead he looked a little uncomfortable. He took a long sip on his soda.

“I think I saw him out back.” One of the girls said. “You’re talking about John Hutchinson, right?”

I nodded.

“Yeah, I think he went out back with Hailey.”

Was it me or did this girl look a little smug? “Thanks.” I said, smiling at her. And then because I couldn’t resist goading the smug little bitch, I poked Matt in his hard belly. “I’ll see you later.”

I gave up my heels before I even hit the back door. They hurt and I knew there was no way I was managing the stairs in heels that high while this tipsy. Peeking my head out the back door, I could see there were a few small groups of smokers, but no John that I could see from the door. I stepped out. The deck was cold and my feet made no sound on it, which is how I was able to stand and watch John talk to this girl – Hailey – without being noticed.

I watched him tilt his head back and laugh. I watched her touch his arm and toss her hair. I saw him bump her shoulder with his. The knot that had started forming when that girl had mentioned Hailey’s name in the kitchen was now huge, and I touched my stomach sure that it must be showing through my skin tight dress. All I touched was my own pudge, and my legs were started to freeze, so I decided to walk away and see if John found me at midnight or not.

I turned and ran smack dab into Matt. I bounced off his chest and fell backwards on to the deck.

“Melanie! I’m so sorry! I was looking for Hailey and I didn’t see you out here in the dark.” He said, loudly, bending down to help me up. At this point, John and Hailey were both at my side, John looking concerned and slightly guilty.

“Hailey, there you are! The girls wanted you, something about body shots. Melanie, this is a friend of mine and John from college – Hailey. Hailey, this is John’s girlfriend and my co-worker, Melanie.”

I’m sure I looked attractive – my mouth hanging open in utter surprise. I had just about gathered my wits to point out I wasn’t John’s girlfriend (which Matt knew) When Matt took Hailey by the arm.

“C’mon Hail’s, those shots are calling me.” He said, pulling her into the house, leaving me alone on the deck with John.

“We were just talking.” John said before I could even say anything.

I held up my hands in front of me, not sure of what else to say.

“You look cold. Let’s get you back inside.” He said, slinging his arm around me.

Best Christmas Ever

Christmas snuck up on me this year. I know that’s probably how most people feel about it every year, but I’m a pretty good planner – I respect the turkey and all, but I usually have my shopping done before December, and am usually able to really enjoy the season. This year I felt pressure – I was spending most of my time with John or at the shop, helping Sunny with her wedding, the class with Matt… I was staying up too late, cooking, rushing out on lunch breaks to find gifts for people, none of them were wrapped, and I still had nothing for John who was leaving on the 22nd to go home for Christmas – that was three days away.

Tonight, however, was our last class before the kids went out on break. I was lying if I said I wasn’t worried about them – hoping they’d get something for Christmas, and also that they would eat over the break. I had told them all that they were welcome to stop by the shop over break to grab a slice, help out, or even just hang out, and Matt had told them to call and he’d give them a ride, but I didn’t know if any of them would take me up on the offer. I was also giving Matt the coat tonight, and to be honest I was nervous about doing so.

I set up Matt with making the pizza’s with the kids and then told him I was going to be holding mock interviews in my office – really I was having the kids come in and sign the card I had gotten for him. When all the kids had signed, I slipped out the front and left the present with the card on the seat of the van.

When it was time to go, Matt didn’t ask me to ride home with him again – which was fine, I actually didn’t want to see him open the present, and I needed to take advantage of the fact that John was working late and go out and find his gift. I was sitting in my car, waiting for it to warm up and returning a text to John when someone tapped on my window (and I jumped about a mile out of my seat) I rolled down my window.

“Thanks.” He said, crouching down to be able to peer into my window.

“For?” I asked, playing dumb.

He nodded. “Well. I love it. Do you, uh, want to ride home with us?”

I glanced at the clock on my dash. “Sure, but then you have to do something for me.”



“You seem pretty good at gifts, you nailed it with me, why do you need my help?” Matt asked. We were back at the mall, this time in Sharper Image.

“I will not confirm nor deny that I had anything to do with that gift. Some people are just easier to shop for, I’ve known my Mom my whole life and I still struggle to pick out a gift for her. I don’t know, nothing I pick up seems good enough for him.”

“That’s an interesting choice of words.” Matt said.

“Huh?” I said, checking out a massager.

“I was a little confused on why you went back to him, Melanie. A little upset, actually. I know it’s not my place, I don’t know you very well, but I think you deserve better.”

“So that’s why you weren’t talking to me?” I asked.

“It’s complex, Lanie and I don’t really feel like delving into it, but I feel like you’re going to get hurt and I didn’t want to watch it happen.”

“I mean if you don’t want to be here…” I said, trailing off, my feelings hurt.

“Hey, no. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be here. But if we’re friends, I had to be honest with you, OK?”

“I’m not going to stop with John.” I said.

“I know. Now let’s find him a gift.”

I settled on a soda stream for John. Was it romantic? No. But, he had said once that he thought it was awesome, and really what is a romantic gift for a man? Matt and I hung out a little while long, and we had a good time – I had forgotten how easy he was to get along with. “John!” I giggled. “I thought we were going to dinner, and here you’ve got me in some sort of fifty shades scenario.”

It was the night before John was leaving to go home, and he had come to take me out to dinner, but before I got in the car, he had presented me with a blindfold.

“Maybe a little fifty shades later. Right now I have a surprise for you.”

“I don’t like surprises.” I said, laughing again.

“Everyone likes surprises.” He said.

I was quiet on the drive, trying in vain to figure out where we were going based on the twists and turns in the road. Finally, about twenty minutes later we stopped.

“Sit tight.” He said. I heard him open and shut the door, and the come around to my side to take me out.

“Can I take this off yet?” I said, still giggling, as I trip over what felt like gravel. There was an odd noise in the background – chains jangling maybe?

“Not yet, almost.” He said. Then he stopped. “OK, now.”

I slipped off my blindfold and was surprised to see that we were out at the start of a country road. In front of a horse and carriage.

“What?” I asked, looking at John confused.

“My friend owns this farm – he decorates every year with lights and things. I asked him if we could tour it tonight. Since I won’t be here for Christmas...” He trailed off. “Is this OK?”

“It’s perfect.” I said, turning to hug him. I breathed in his smell on his neck, and wondered how it was that I had gotten so lucky.

We climbed into the carriage, where I hadn’t realized a man was sitting on a bench up front. He turned and nodded his head to me, and handed a blanket to John. We cuddled up on the seat, Johns arm around me, as we slowly watched lights displays as the carriage went up the road.

We reached the end, where there was a big red barn. John jumped down and offered his hand up to me, and then he led me inside the barn, where there was a picnic set out on the blanket in a pile of hay.

“Is this my gift? Because seriously, best present ever.” I said, taking a sip from the bottle of water John handed to me.

“This? Is nothing. And no it’s not your gift, everything was pretty much free except the food, and you know I like to cook.”

“The cost of a gift doesn’t matter, the thought put into it does, and this took a lot of thought. I appreciate it.” I said, suddenly feeling shy, and also stupid. I mean a soda stream compared to this?

“I like seeing you smile.” John said, as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

John served up the food, some sort of chicken and cheese and rice dish, still nice and warm, which was good after the chilly ride we had just had. As we ate, we made small talk, about his trip, my Christmas plans, and then the topic landed on New Years.

“Will you be back for New Years?” I asked, putting my finished plate down on the blanket we sat on.

“Yes, I’ll be home on the 29th.” He said, putting his plate down too.

“Do we have plans, or….” I trailed off. It sounded super dorky, but I really wanted to finally have someone to kiss at midnight, but with John and I not being serious, I didn’t want to assume we had plans.

“I hope you don’t mind…” He said, and I felt my heart crash to the ground. He wasn’t going to be with me. “But I already told Noah we’d go to his party. I shouldn’t have assumed…”

I didn’t let him finish, I flung myself on him and hugged him hard. “I thought you were going to say you made other plans without me!”

He laughed. “No. I want to start the new year off right, and being with you feels right.”

I felt like I might melt into him.

“You ready for your gift?” He asked.

“I didn’t bring yours!” I said.

“Give it to me later, no big deal.” He said, reaching into the picnic basket and handing me a small box wrapped in shiny green paper with a gold bow. “Just a heads up – they wrapped it for me, so any other gifts you might get will probably be in a gift bag because I suck at it.” He said laughing.

He handed it to me, and I hesitated for a moment – I always felt shy opening gifts in front of people – but then I carefully pulled on the bow and ripped the paper. I lifted the lid, and on a cushion of soft white fabric laid a necklace with a star charm on it. In the center of the star was a diamond that twinkled when it caught the light.

John took it from the box and motioned for me to turn around. I held up my hair as he slipped it around my neck, dropping a kiss on the back of my neck after he fastened it.

“I saw this and it reminded me of that night we went and looked at the stars together.”

“It’s beautiful.” I said, turning around to look at him. “So are you.”

And then he wrapped his arms around me, and silently we swayed to music only we could hear. I know it sounds corny, but I promise you it didn't feel that way at the time.

The post is almost done (another paragraph and we are good) i had planned on finishing and posting it tonight but my mom was admitted to the hospital,so i was out much later than i expected. It will be up tomorrow as all i have planned is cleaning my house and visitng mom for a short while. I think instead of mondays ill just start posting at the end of the week.