Sickness

I woke up the next morning with a stiff neck. Well, kind of. I wasn't even sure if I could say I woke up, because I'm not sure I slept for more than an hour. After leaving Sunny and Noah's house, I drove around aimlessly for awhile, trying to talk myself in to going to my Mom's house. I just couldn't make myself do it. I knew she'd ask why I wasn't staying at my house and I just didn't have it in me to lie, nor did I have it in me to listen to the lecture on family. I could have gone to the Mo's house and I'm sure they would have welcomed me, but it was late and I would have still been opening myself up to a lecture.

So. I slept in my office chair. It hadn't been comfortable, and I wasn't used to the noises of the place late at night. My brain also hadn't shut down and I alternated between wanting to call Matt and picturing him with Steph and getting extremely angry.

"Oh!" Mona woke me up by yelling. I opened my eyes to see her hand clutched to her chest. "You nearly gave me a heart attack. I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah." I said, rubbing the knot in my neck that I feared was permanent. "I crashed here last night."

"I see." She said, raising an eyebrow. "Any particular reason why?"

"No." I said in voice sharper than I meant. A look of hurt briefly flashed across Mona's face, and I softened. "I'm sorry. I just didn't sleep well last night. We've got another long day ahead of us so let's get this show on the road, huh?"

Mona pursed her lips and I could tell she wanted to say something. She shook her head as if she thought better, but turned back after she started to exit. "You and your cousin fighting would have broken your Uncle's heart." She stood, clearly expecting a response.

I knew what she said was meant to make me feel bad, or at least make me think, but my first reaction was a white hot anger. "Then maybe he shouldn't have left." I responded.

I didn't bother to look at Mona, I just turned to my computer to start checking my emails.

I purposefully left my phone in my desk for the day. I was convinced that I'd return to a blinking light of missed calls or texts from Matt, or John or mabe even Steph, but at the end of a long day there was nothing. No one called, no one texted, no non-business related emails. I didn't even have any alerts from facebook. I didn't think my mood could have gotten any worse, but it had.

I went home to an empty apartment. No note from Steph, just my extra key lying on the kitchen counter. I had plans to make myself dinner, but was so tired and fed up with how the day went, I just crawled into bed.

The week didn't get any better. I realized at some point that it was a me problem, and I needed to find some way to pull myself out of the funk I was in, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I'd never speak to Steph again, but I did realize that I was still angry and that any sort of conversation was just going to end up in an argument. I wasn't going to contact John. That was a situation I wasn't going to involve myself in. I wasn't dumb enough to convince myself we could just be friends again, and I also knew that I'd never be able to trust any sort of relationship after what he did to me. Matt... Well I wanted to contact Matt. And that hellacious week, I picked up my phone to do so at least a hundred times. But... What was I supposed to say? I really didn't think I had done anything wrong with Steph, and I didn't know why he had reacted the way that he had to me being with John - it's not as if I had called him, I hadn't even known he would be at Sunny's. I also wasn't sure where our friendship was going to go. He made it clear he didn't want a relationship and I knew I was developing feelings for him. I didn't know whether those feelings were real, or if I was just searching for a replacement for John, but I did know I wasn't eager to fall for someone who could't make a commitment to me. Again.

I was eager for Sunny to come home. I knew things needed to change, I just didn't know how or what. I wanted her home so I could talk through it with her. But I had one last meeting with Matt to get through before she was due to come back. One I was both dreading and was oddly excited for. Then Matt texted me.

My heart flipped when my phone beeped and I looked down to see his name. Was he going to ask to talk after? Maybe grab a drink again?

Matt: Can't make it tonight. Class is cancelled.

I got the text first thing in the morning. I spent all day writing - and deleting - responses to him. None of them seemed right. I left it alone, but I could feel my aggrivation building, and even though I had plans to go right home after work (because let's be honest, where else was I going to go?) I found myself pulling up in front of Matt's house. And then I found myself knocking on his door. And when he opened the door, I found myself going off.

"You want to be angry with me, fine Matt. That's fine. But those kids don't deserve to be punished because you're not talking to me. I gave up my time in order to be there for them, as a favor to you, and now I'm committed to them and I would have thought you would be too." I turned to go, but he grabbed my arm.

"Whoa there sparky. Who said I wasn't talking to you?" He asked.

"The fact that I haven't heard from you in a week?" I said, turning back to face him.

"The phone works in two ways you know." He said. Then he started coughing.

I looked at him and noticed his red nose, pale face, and the bags under his eyes.

"You're sick." I said, reaching up to him to touch his forehead. "You have a fever."

"I know. It's why I cancelled today." Despite his sickness, he smiled a half smile.

"I'm so sorry. Can I get you anything?"

"I'm fine." He said. Then he sneezed. "Excuse me." He said, pulling out a piece of paper towel from his pocket and turning to blow his nose.

"If you use those for your nose, you're going to rub it raw. Have you taken any medicine?" I asked. He shook his head no, and I clicked my tongue. "Go lay down. I'll be back." I said, turning to leave.

I went to the store and grabbed some esstentials and headed back to Matt's. He let me in, and shuffled back to the couch.

"You don't have to do this, you know." He said, plopping down on the couch.

"I know. I want too." I said. I tossed him a gatoraide and a box of kleenex, and then poured him a dose of Nyquil. "Here. Take this." I said, walking it over to him.

"Yes Mother." He mocked, but he drank it down.

"You hungry? I got soup. I also got cough drops. I mean I can go, but if you want me to stay in case you need anything..." I trailed off.

"There is one thing I need, but it might sound weird." He said. His voice already sounded drowsy and almost child like.

"Sure. What can I do?"

"Cuddle me? I'm so cold."

I froze for a moment, but then Matt pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over him, patting a spot beside him. I hesitated for a moment, and then gave in. I slipped off my shoes, crawled in next to him, and snuggled in to his chest.