New post below. It sucks - and no, that's not a hint for compliments to tell me it's awesome. I wrote it on nyquil, so I can only hope that it makes sense. The Nyquil isn't totally to blame, I'm just at a point where I know where I want it to go, I just don't know how to get it there.
Post next week - I'm hoping Monday, but this cold just keeps getting worse, so we shall see.
Oh yeah, and someone asked about Cayden's eye appointment... He was referred to the eye doctor because the pedi noticed his pupils are two different sizes - which I've noticed before but I dunno, I just thought sometimes body parts are different sizes sometimes (it wasn't a HUGE difference.) I guess it's a sign of glaucoma, and she said she doubted it was it, but she wanted to have it looked at to be safe. He went in and at first they said that yes, they were two different sizes, but that it didn't mean anything (there's a big long name for it, but basically it's "they're two different sizes, it doesn't affect anything, and we don't know why it happens.) Then they dilated his eyes. She said his whole right eye is actually bigger than his left, and there are breaks in the cornea, which is usually due to trauma to the eye, or high pressure in the eye. The trauma can be a hit to the eye, or delivery by forceps, neither of which has happened to Cayden. However, they checked his eye pressure and it was fine. She said it was unlikely, but he could have had high pressure and it just fixed itself. She says it's more likely that he has issues regulating his eye pressure and they just caught him on a day where it's regulated. She's also worried that the vision in his right eye is a lot worse than in his left. The good news is that there's no damage to his optic nerve, the bad news is he has to wear eye patches for a couple of hours every day for four weeks over his left eye - they're trying to get him to rely on his right eye more to see if it strengthens his vision. We go back in four weeks to get retested and to also test his pressure again. I'm thinking she's worried it is glaucoma, which isn't great but at least it's better than I originally thought (I know nothing about glaucoma except old people get it, so I assumed he'd go blind.) I do need to send the pedi a thank you card though because I guess with glaucoma, 80% of cases in children are diagnosed by the time they're a year old, and it also said that older kids are usually not diagnosed until later stages because there are no real symptoms.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Christmas Stress
I was a little scared to tell Sunny that I was back with John – so I planned on ignoring it. Of course, Sunny and John both left the house at the same time the next morning. I didn’t realize this until I dragged my butt into work and Sunny was sitting at her desk.
“So. John stayed over?” She asked, not turning away from her computer screen to look at me.
“Uh huh.” I said, deciding less was more and to let her ask the questions.
But she only nodded, and said nothing more about it. I knew she wasn’t happy, but I also think she realized anything she said to me wouldn’t do any good – she was trying to avoid a fight, and I appreciated it.
Life went on. I was making connections with Matt’s kids, and I found myself actually looking forward to class night. Matt, however, had distanced himself from me a little. It was one of those weird situations where I didn’t feel like I could ask him about it – he wasn’t treating me meanly, it’s just we used to talk a lot more, and I used to ride with him to drop the kids off at night and then he stopped asking me and stopped talking to me so much.
It was pretty much a routine of hanging out with John, working, and getting ready for Christmas, which is what I was out currently doing. Shopping with Sunny, in one of our rare moments of time spent together outside of work. She had been with Noah a lot, planning the wedding that was only a couple months away, while I was spending all of my free time with John.
“What are you getting Noah for Christmas?” I asked, as we browsed the jewelry counter at Macy’s.
“A watch he’s been hinting at. I was also thinking… I don’t know, it’s kind of dumb.”
“What?” I asked, looking up from the watches I had been looking at.
“OK, don’t laugh, but I was thinking about getting some dirty-ish pictures taken for him.”
“…You don’t want me to take them, do you?” I asked.
“No! There’s a photography place that does them. It’s not like, porn, but just… Sexy pictures. I don’t know, it seems dumb, but we’re getting married and you know there will probably be kids. I want him to remember what I looked like when we first got married and I was young and hot.”
“I think that’s kind of sweet, actually. Though I’m sure Noah will always think you’re gorgeous.”
“Oh please Mel. I’m going to pop out the first kid and it’s all going to be downhill from there.”
“Whatever. Just don’t give him it in front of his parents.” I said, laughing.
“That’s what the watch is for, I’ll give him that in front of the family. Are you getting John anything?”
“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I asked, this was the first time Sunny had brought up John in awhile.
“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.” An awkward beat passed. “So, what are you getting him?”
“Dirty pictures. Think the place you’re going too will cut us a deal?” I joked.
“Ha ha.” She said, walking over to the purses. I followed, looking at a few wallets.
“I don’t know what to get him. I thought about a watch but he has a nice one that was like, his Grandpa’s or something. A tie seems lame and he never wears them. I don’t know Sun, help me out! I’m a girl whose never had a father, I have no idea what to buy for boys.”
“Well what do you buy Noah?”
“I get him a gift certificate. Same thing I get my brother – but that’s so impersonal and I want it to be special.”
“I mean, impersonal is OK. Isn’t that what you guys are?”
“What?” I asked, setting down the wallet I had been looking at for my Mom, and looking right at Sunny.
“I don’t mean that in a bad way, but I just figured this is what your situation was – impersonal. You know, no strings attached or whatever.” She said, flipping her hand as she said ‘whatever’.
“OK. I’ll ask someone else then.” I said, feeling my anger rise.
“Why? Melanie I’m not trying to be mean…”
“But you ARE being mean. I get it, you’re my friend, you love me, you’re concerned about me, and I appreciate that. But this is what I’m doing, and either you’re going to be supportive, or you and I just won’t talk about it.”
“OK then.” She said, biting her lip – a giveaway that she wanted to say more.
We left Macy’s, the wallet I was going to buy for my mother forgotten. I was irritated and Sunny wasn’t saying anything either, which meant she wasn’t happy with me either. I almost wondered if we should cut our visit short when she pulled me into a sports store to find something for her Dad.
It was in the back where I saw it – and I almost missed it. It was a Chicago Bulls leather jacket – and it was huge. The first thing that popped into my head was ‘Matt would love this, and it actually looks like it would fit him.’ I fingered the leather, wondering if it would be weird to get Matt a Christmas gift. I considered him a friend – at least I did before the weirdness – and I always get all my friends a gift. Would he think it was weird? It was kind of expensive, but I had the money (considering all I did was work, I never had the time to spend any money.)
“What’s that?” Sunny asked, glancing over from a case of autographed stuff.
“It’s a coat, I was thinking it’d be perfect for Matt.”
Sunny laughed. “You can’t figure out a gift for your boyfriend, brother, or best male friend, but Matt you can?”
“Is that weird?” I asked.
“I think it says something.” Sunny said, walking over to me to check out the coat.
“Says what?” I asked, confused.
“That maybe you know Matt better than those guys. I don’t know. It is a nice jacket, and oddly enough looks like it would fit him.”
“I know. But it’s expensive. I have the money but would it be weird to give it to him?”
“See if they have something less expensive in his size?” She asked.
“We don’t carry anything else in that size in stores. It’s actually an internet return.” A worker said, overhearing our conversation.
“It’s like it’s meant to be.” Sunny said.
“Yeah but again, would it be weird? I mean I don’t mind, he works so hard with those kids, he deserves something nice…”
“So tell him it’s from the group? I mean he’ll know they don’t have the money to pay for it, but still makes it a little less weird.”
“Good idea. I knew I kept you around for a reason.”
Sunny bought some signed something or other for her Dad, and I bought the coat for Matt. The rest of our shopping trip was weird – Sunny was trying, I could tell, suggesting gifts for John, and even asking if I wanted help picking out a cute outfit for our New Years Eve party - but I could also tell she didn’t mean it. I had asked her to be supportive, so I couldn’t get angry, but it was so fake I wished she would just shut up already.
I picked up a few more things, but eventually left the mall with nothing for John and only a few more days to find something. I was beginning to feel hopeless – like I should just give up and buy him a giftcard or something stupid. I wish I could ask Matt, maybe he would have some good ideas.
“So. John stayed over?” She asked, not turning away from her computer screen to look at me.
“Uh huh.” I said, deciding less was more and to let her ask the questions.
But she only nodded, and said nothing more about it. I knew she wasn’t happy, but I also think she realized anything she said to me wouldn’t do any good – she was trying to avoid a fight, and I appreciated it.
Life went on. I was making connections with Matt’s kids, and I found myself actually looking forward to class night. Matt, however, had distanced himself from me a little. It was one of those weird situations where I didn’t feel like I could ask him about it – he wasn’t treating me meanly, it’s just we used to talk a lot more, and I used to ride with him to drop the kids off at night and then he stopped asking me and stopped talking to me so much.
It was pretty much a routine of hanging out with John, working, and getting ready for Christmas, which is what I was out currently doing. Shopping with Sunny, in one of our rare moments of time spent together outside of work. She had been with Noah a lot, planning the wedding that was only a couple months away, while I was spending all of my free time with John.
“What are you getting Noah for Christmas?” I asked, as we browsed the jewelry counter at Macy’s.
“A watch he’s been hinting at. I was also thinking… I don’t know, it’s kind of dumb.”
“What?” I asked, looking up from the watches I had been looking at.
“OK, don’t laugh, but I was thinking about getting some dirty-ish pictures taken for him.”
“…You don’t want me to take them, do you?” I asked.
“No! There’s a photography place that does them. It’s not like, porn, but just… Sexy pictures. I don’t know, it seems dumb, but we’re getting married and you know there will probably be kids. I want him to remember what I looked like when we first got married and I was young and hot.”
“I think that’s kind of sweet, actually. Though I’m sure Noah will always think you’re gorgeous.”
“Oh please Mel. I’m going to pop out the first kid and it’s all going to be downhill from there.”
“Whatever. Just don’t give him it in front of his parents.” I said, laughing.
“That’s what the watch is for, I’ll give him that in front of the family. Are you getting John anything?”
“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I asked, this was the first time Sunny had brought up John in awhile.
“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.” An awkward beat passed. “So, what are you getting him?”
“Dirty pictures. Think the place you’re going too will cut us a deal?” I joked.
“Ha ha.” She said, walking over to the purses. I followed, looking at a few wallets.
“I don’t know what to get him. I thought about a watch but he has a nice one that was like, his Grandpa’s or something. A tie seems lame and he never wears them. I don’t know Sun, help me out! I’m a girl whose never had a father, I have no idea what to buy for boys.”
“Well what do you buy Noah?”
“I get him a gift certificate. Same thing I get my brother – but that’s so impersonal and I want it to be special.”
“I mean, impersonal is OK. Isn’t that what you guys are?”
“What?” I asked, setting down the wallet I had been looking at for my Mom, and looking right at Sunny.
“I don’t mean that in a bad way, but I just figured this is what your situation was – impersonal. You know, no strings attached or whatever.” She said, flipping her hand as she said ‘whatever’.
“OK. I’ll ask someone else then.” I said, feeling my anger rise.
“Why? Melanie I’m not trying to be mean…”
“But you ARE being mean. I get it, you’re my friend, you love me, you’re concerned about me, and I appreciate that. But this is what I’m doing, and either you’re going to be supportive, or you and I just won’t talk about it.”
“OK then.” She said, biting her lip – a giveaway that she wanted to say more.
We left Macy’s, the wallet I was going to buy for my mother forgotten. I was irritated and Sunny wasn’t saying anything either, which meant she wasn’t happy with me either. I almost wondered if we should cut our visit short when she pulled me into a sports store to find something for her Dad.
It was in the back where I saw it – and I almost missed it. It was a Chicago Bulls leather jacket – and it was huge. The first thing that popped into my head was ‘Matt would love this, and it actually looks like it would fit him.’ I fingered the leather, wondering if it would be weird to get Matt a Christmas gift. I considered him a friend – at least I did before the weirdness – and I always get all my friends a gift. Would he think it was weird? It was kind of expensive, but I had the money (considering all I did was work, I never had the time to spend any money.)
“What’s that?” Sunny asked, glancing over from a case of autographed stuff.
“It’s a coat, I was thinking it’d be perfect for Matt.”
Sunny laughed. “You can’t figure out a gift for your boyfriend, brother, or best male friend, but Matt you can?”
“Is that weird?” I asked.
“I think it says something.” Sunny said, walking over to me to check out the coat.
“Says what?” I asked, confused.
“That maybe you know Matt better than those guys. I don’t know. It is a nice jacket, and oddly enough looks like it would fit him.”
“I know. But it’s expensive. I have the money but would it be weird to give it to him?”
“See if they have something less expensive in his size?” She asked.
“We don’t carry anything else in that size in stores. It’s actually an internet return.” A worker said, overhearing our conversation.
“It’s like it’s meant to be.” Sunny said.
“Yeah but again, would it be weird? I mean I don’t mind, he works so hard with those kids, he deserves something nice…”
“So tell him it’s from the group? I mean he’ll know they don’t have the money to pay for it, but still makes it a little less weird.”
“Good idea. I knew I kept you around for a reason.”
Sunny bought some signed something or other for her Dad, and I bought the coat for Matt. The rest of our shopping trip was weird – Sunny was trying, I could tell, suggesting gifts for John, and even asking if I wanted help picking out a cute outfit for our New Years Eve party - but I could also tell she didn’t mean it. I had asked her to be supportive, so I couldn’t get angry, but it was so fake I wished she would just shut up already.
I picked up a few more things, but eventually left the mall with nothing for John and only a few more days to find something. I was beginning to feel hopeless – like I should just give up and buy him a giftcard or something stupid. I wish I could ask Matt, maybe he would have some good ideas.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Haven't forgotten about you guys. My laptop crapped out on me on Sunday or Monday. My keyboard randomly stopped working. It popped back on randomly yesterday (right after we bought a new keyboard for it to see if that would work, isn't that how it goes?) So I couldn't write until yesterday, which didn't help me much because I was in the doctors office in a snow storm with both boys who had matching ear infections. Today we spent the morning at an eye appointment for Cayden getting so not so great news, and the rest of the day with Jeremy's family celebrating Christmas with them. I know of course am developing another cold
Working on the post tomorrow (I would say tonight but I' taking my tired sick butt to bed) Hopefully it'll be up late tomorrow, at the latest Saturday. Just wanted to keep y'all updated.
How was your Christmas? Ours went pretty good - it was just really exhausting, but in a totally good way :-)
Working on the post tomorrow (I would say tonight but I' taking my tired sick butt to bed) Hopefully it'll be up late tomorrow, at the latest Saturday. Just wanted to keep y'all updated.
How was your Christmas? Ours went pretty good - it was just really exhausting, but in a totally good way :-)
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sorry it's a little late - we're in the "Oh shit it's almost Christmas" crunch here, so I had some stuff to do.
There will be a post next week, I cannot promise it will be on Monday. I have a lot to get done, and I'm volunteering at C's school on Thursday, so I'm just not sure if I'll have time to get it done before Monday - I'm hoping though :-)
There will be a post next week, I cannot promise it will be on Monday. I have a lot to get done, and I'm volunteering at C's school on Thursday, so I'm just not sure if I'll have time to get it done before Monday - I'm hoping though :-)
Shoulda said no
Matt left shortly after, telling me to call him when I felt better in order to go over plans for class. I knew he was giving me space to read the card and call John, but after he was gone, I flopped on my stomach and ignored the flowers. My head was aching, and I was a little ticked off.
Was it an apology? Did it matter if it was? Why flowers, why now? Maybe I was being irrational, but if it was an apology, it should have been done in person. Finally I sighed, got up, and took out the card.
It was a plain white card with “Get Well Soon” across the top. On the bottom was simply scrawled “John”.
“What the fuck?” I said out loud to myself, my voice cracking. I started to cough, and when I finally managed to stop, I turned it over to make sure there was nothing on the back. Nope.
Who does that? We had essentially broken up the day before, and now he sends me flowers? I appreciated the gesture, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but really isn’t a little much? I had never received flowers before in my life, and now I was getting them from a guy who didn’t want to be my boyfriend, all because I had a cough? I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I should, but finally I decided that I should say something, so I texted him.
Me: Got your flowers. Thanks.
I put my phone on the nightstand thinking it would be awhile before he answered, but almost immediately it buzzed on the nightstand.
John: You’re welcome. Feeling better?
Me: A little, but have a feeling it’s going to get worse.
John: I’m sorry. Can I stop by later and bring you anything? Soup?
Me: Sunny just had Noah drop off some soup.
John: Tylenol? Kleenex?
Me: I’ve got it all covered, but if you really want to stop by, go ahead. Be warned, I look like crap and you might get sick.
I thought that would deter him from coming, why would he want to get sick? But to my surprise he wrote:
John: I get off at five, I’ll head over.
I didn’t respond. He obviously wanted to come over, but why? Did he think I’d see him and just forget that he didn’t want to be with me, fall back into the same old pattern of things? That wasn’t going to happen.
I was starting to feel worse, so I took some more medicine, set an alarm, and snuggled back down into the covers. My alarm woke me a little while later, and I dragged my butt out of bed and in to the shower. I knew a cold shower would help bring down my fever, but I also didn’t want to look like total crap in front of John – at the very least I could smell nice. I changed back into a cute pair of pajamas, and picked up the crumpled tissues all over the bed. I had just fallen back in to bed when the knock came on the door.
“Come in!” I yelled, too tired to get out of bed. The yelling caused me to start coughing, and the lovely sight of me hacking up a lung is what John walked in on.
“You been to a doctor?” He asked, looking concerned. He was wearing a suit, and he looked good. He never wore a suit – usually a polo and jeans. He worked in an office but often had to go out to job sites and needed to be comfortable and also able to get dirty.
I shook my head. “It’s a cold John, it’s a bad one, but all the doctor is going to tell me is rest, and fluids.” And with that I took a long swing from the orange juice Sunny had left for me.
He stood there, at the door of my room, just watching me, and I began to feel shy. My head was also beginning to pound and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“Did you just come over to look at me and make sure I’m alive? Because I assure you that I am still alive.” I said, coughing again. I rubbed my head, trying to ease the pounding.
“Head hurt?” He asked. I nodded, and he crossed the room to my bed side, shrugging off his jacket and unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeves. “May I?” He asked, gesturing to the bed.
I eyed him suspiciously. “What do you want John?”
“I want to sit down right now, rub your head, and talk to you.”
I didn’t feel like I had the strength to argue with him, so again I nodded, and he slipped off his shoes and slid next to me on the bed.
“Put your head in my lap.” He said. I shot him a look, and he laughed. “Nothing sexual, just put your head in my lap.”
“What’s with the suit?” I said, looking up at him from his lap. He smiled, and that one dimple made my heart flip and then sink – he would never be mine.
“I had to interview someone at work today, the boss wanted me looking fancy. You don’t like it?”
“It’s alright.” I said, trying again to not give him too much information. The fact of the matter is, a man in a good suit is such a turn on, especially with his sleeves rolled up – something about muscular forearms just get me going. He start to work his fingers over my scalp, and instantly my eyes shut.
I felt myself start to fall asleep, and knew I couldn’t – I couldn’t just let him get off like that, not knowing why he sent the flowers, or why he was here. I opened my eyes and sat up.
“Thanks.” I said. “I feel better. So, um, the flowers… They’re nice, but…. Why?”
John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it all up in the front – the way that I loved.
“Last night when you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay and take care of you. I understand why you didn’t want me there, which is why I left, but it wasn’t easy. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, that I care about you and how you feel. I don’t know, I guess flowers were a stupid way to do it.”
“Not to sound redundant John, but if you want to show me you think about how I feel, being my boyfriend would be a good start.”
“I know Mel, and I want to do that for you, but I just… I can’t. And I know it sounds really cliché, but it’s not you. I love everything about you – you’re beautiful and you’re funny and you say things that surprise me all the time. It’s like every time we hang out I have a good time and I learn something new about you. You keep me on my toes.”
“But?” I asked, because I knew it was coming.
“I just got out of that relationship, and you haven’t even had a relationship yet. I don’t want to be a rebound for you. I don’t want your first relationship to be a rebound, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything serious again.”
“Then I guess we are where we are John.” I said, shrugging.
“Not necessarily… You told me you didn’t like you couldn’t get mad at me if I started messing around with someone else. What if I promise you that I won’t mess around with anyone else without telling you first?”
“Isn’t that basically a relationship John? Where you just break up with me when you don’t like me anymore?” I was getting annoyed, I felt we were just running in circles, and it hurt. If it was going to be done, I wanted it done so I could just get on with being alone. Which I realized sounded bitter and jaded, but in the past I could never understand how girls could just drag it on and on with a guy.
“Melanie…” He said, and then he looked away. “I’m trying, OK? I know it’s not what you deserve, and I know I’m asking a lot from you, and if you say no…. Well I’ll have to be OK with that. But I have to try, because I don’t want to lose you and I’m just trying to figure out a compromise for both of us.”
His words struck a chord with me. I know they shouldn’t have, because he was right, I did deserve more. But, the fact that he was trying…
“I can’t do this forever John.”
“I know.” He said. He pulled me to him. “Is this OK?” He asked, softly.
I laid my head on his chest, and nodded.
“I missed you.” He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head.
“It was one day!” I said, smiling up at him.
“I know. Crazy, huh?”
“Not really.” I said, snuggling closer. “I missed you too.”
Was it an apology? Did it matter if it was? Why flowers, why now? Maybe I was being irrational, but if it was an apology, it should have been done in person. Finally I sighed, got up, and took out the card.
It was a plain white card with “Get Well Soon” across the top. On the bottom was simply scrawled “John”.
“What the fuck?” I said out loud to myself, my voice cracking. I started to cough, and when I finally managed to stop, I turned it over to make sure there was nothing on the back. Nope.
Who does that? We had essentially broken up the day before, and now he sends me flowers? I appreciated the gesture, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but really isn’t a little much? I had never received flowers before in my life, and now I was getting them from a guy who didn’t want to be my boyfriend, all because I had a cough? I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I should, but finally I decided that I should say something, so I texted him.
Me: Got your flowers. Thanks.
I put my phone on the nightstand thinking it would be awhile before he answered, but almost immediately it buzzed on the nightstand.
John: You’re welcome. Feeling better?
Me: A little, but have a feeling it’s going to get worse.
John: I’m sorry. Can I stop by later and bring you anything? Soup?
Me: Sunny just had Noah drop off some soup.
John: Tylenol? Kleenex?
Me: I’ve got it all covered, but if you really want to stop by, go ahead. Be warned, I look like crap and you might get sick.
I thought that would deter him from coming, why would he want to get sick? But to my surprise he wrote:
John: I get off at five, I’ll head over.
I didn’t respond. He obviously wanted to come over, but why? Did he think I’d see him and just forget that he didn’t want to be with me, fall back into the same old pattern of things? That wasn’t going to happen.
I was starting to feel worse, so I took some more medicine, set an alarm, and snuggled back down into the covers. My alarm woke me a little while later, and I dragged my butt out of bed and in to the shower. I knew a cold shower would help bring down my fever, but I also didn’t want to look like total crap in front of John – at the very least I could smell nice. I changed back into a cute pair of pajamas, and picked up the crumpled tissues all over the bed. I had just fallen back in to bed when the knock came on the door.
“Come in!” I yelled, too tired to get out of bed. The yelling caused me to start coughing, and the lovely sight of me hacking up a lung is what John walked in on.
“You been to a doctor?” He asked, looking concerned. He was wearing a suit, and he looked good. He never wore a suit – usually a polo and jeans. He worked in an office but often had to go out to job sites and needed to be comfortable and also able to get dirty.
I shook my head. “It’s a cold John, it’s a bad one, but all the doctor is going to tell me is rest, and fluids.” And with that I took a long swing from the orange juice Sunny had left for me.
He stood there, at the door of my room, just watching me, and I began to feel shy. My head was also beginning to pound and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“Did you just come over to look at me and make sure I’m alive? Because I assure you that I am still alive.” I said, coughing again. I rubbed my head, trying to ease the pounding.
“Head hurt?” He asked. I nodded, and he crossed the room to my bed side, shrugging off his jacket and unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeves. “May I?” He asked, gesturing to the bed.
I eyed him suspiciously. “What do you want John?”
“I want to sit down right now, rub your head, and talk to you.”
I didn’t feel like I had the strength to argue with him, so again I nodded, and he slipped off his shoes and slid next to me on the bed.
“Put your head in my lap.” He said. I shot him a look, and he laughed. “Nothing sexual, just put your head in my lap.”
“What’s with the suit?” I said, looking up at him from his lap. He smiled, and that one dimple made my heart flip and then sink – he would never be mine.
“I had to interview someone at work today, the boss wanted me looking fancy. You don’t like it?”
“It’s alright.” I said, trying again to not give him too much information. The fact of the matter is, a man in a good suit is such a turn on, especially with his sleeves rolled up – something about muscular forearms just get me going. He start to work his fingers over my scalp, and instantly my eyes shut.
I felt myself start to fall asleep, and knew I couldn’t – I couldn’t just let him get off like that, not knowing why he sent the flowers, or why he was here. I opened my eyes and sat up.
“Thanks.” I said. “I feel better. So, um, the flowers… They’re nice, but…. Why?”
John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it all up in the front – the way that I loved.
“Last night when you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay and take care of you. I understand why you didn’t want me there, which is why I left, but it wasn’t easy. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, that I care about you and how you feel. I don’t know, I guess flowers were a stupid way to do it.”
“Not to sound redundant John, but if you want to show me you think about how I feel, being my boyfriend would be a good start.”
“I know Mel, and I want to do that for you, but I just… I can’t. And I know it sounds really cliché, but it’s not you. I love everything about you – you’re beautiful and you’re funny and you say things that surprise me all the time. It’s like every time we hang out I have a good time and I learn something new about you. You keep me on my toes.”
“But?” I asked, because I knew it was coming.
“I just got out of that relationship, and you haven’t even had a relationship yet. I don’t want to be a rebound for you. I don’t want your first relationship to be a rebound, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything serious again.”
“Then I guess we are where we are John.” I said, shrugging.
“Not necessarily… You told me you didn’t like you couldn’t get mad at me if I started messing around with someone else. What if I promise you that I won’t mess around with anyone else without telling you first?”
“Isn’t that basically a relationship John? Where you just break up with me when you don’t like me anymore?” I was getting annoyed, I felt we were just running in circles, and it hurt. If it was going to be done, I wanted it done so I could just get on with being alone. Which I realized sounded bitter and jaded, but in the past I could never understand how girls could just drag it on and on with a guy.
“Melanie…” He said, and then he looked away. “I’m trying, OK? I know it’s not what you deserve, and I know I’m asking a lot from you, and if you say no…. Well I’ll have to be OK with that. But I have to try, because I don’t want to lose you and I’m just trying to figure out a compromise for both of us.”
His words struck a chord with me. I know they shouldn’t have, because he was right, I did deserve more. But, the fact that he was trying…
“I can’t do this forever John.”
“I know.” He said. He pulled me to him. “Is this OK?” He asked, softly.
I laid my head on his chest, and nodded.
“I missed you.” He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head.
“It was one day!” I said, smiling up at him.
“I know. Crazy, huh?”
“Not really.” I said, snuggling closer. “I missed you too.”
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Excuse me while I word vomit
I'm sure most of you all know about Sandy Hook Elementary and what occurred there yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it - and therefore I've decided to come here, just to word vomit a little, because... I don't know, I'm hoping it might make me feel a little better.
Cayden started preschool this year, and it was hard to let him go. I know it's good for him, he's learning so very much, and he's having fun. I'm getting a little space, and that's good for me too, but I've been home with Cayden since the day he was born and the only people who have watched him have been close family - mainly my mother and my sister. I think I've left him once with a family friend. To walk in the morning of his first day and just leave him there with complete strangers was rough - I knew they had training, and I knew they were good at their job, but I am his mother, and nobody can take care of him like I can. I was worried about what would happen if he fell down and scraped his knee - I was not thinking about what would happen if someone went into his school and opened fire.
Yesterday when the details came out, I left home and went and got him. I wasn't worried about his safety - I just needed to see him, needed to hug and hold him. I couldn't stop thinking about those parents who dropped their kids off at school and would never pick them back up again. What were the last word they said to their child? Were they spoken in frustration and anger - perhaps they were running late and didn't have time for a goodbye kiss that morning? I think about all the times I'm short with my kids: Can I just go to the bathroom by myself for once?!? Can I just eat my dinner in peace?!? Can I just have five minutes to myself?!? Anyone who is a parent knows sometimes you just are frustrated and need space - and there's nothing wrong with that. But what happens when you ask for space and don't realize that something is about to happen to give you nothing but time away from your baby?
I don't want to be morbid and sad when everything is morbid and sad enough, but I just wanted to say that in that moment, I was so Goddamned grateful to have a child to argue with, a child who didn't listen to me, a child who is a shadow and follows me everywhere. For a messy house that never stays clean, for crumbs and spills, for sticky hands, for another late night followed by an early morning, for a voice that talks too much, too loud and asks way too many questions - for the tickles and the hugs and the kisses, for the cuddles, for the laughs and the smiles, the good and the bad, I was just so grateful for it all.
We didn't go home and watch the news. We went out to a park and I got on the ground and I played with my kids like I haven't played in awhile. I chased them and I kissed them, and I climbed with them and I swung them around. Then I got them ice cream and a movie and we went home again, not to watch the news, but to pile up on the sofa and be together.
I'm sorry this had to happen - and sorry doesn't really even begin to cover it, but I'm not sure what else to say except that I plan to suck up the only positive that I can out of this situation: My children are alive, and they are healthy, and I will kiss them over and over for all the parents who no longer can kiss their children. I will be more patient for them for the parents who no longer have a child to lose patience with. I will spend extra time with them, I will cuddle them longer, I will laugh with them more, I will listen to them more intently. I will remember not the gunman, but the teachers who did whatever they had to do in order to protect children that were not even "theirs". There was only one man doing evil, but so many others who stepped up and tried to stop him, protected those they could, some at the expense of their own lives and THAT should show us that while evil is in this world, the good still outweighs it. I will be kinder and more patient with people in general, because I don't know what they're going through right now, and their behavior towards me should not affect my behavior towards them. I will turn off the TV and spend more time with my kids instead, to try my damndest to raise children who will contribute to the good of this world.
I just had to word vomit a little. My heart breaks, over and over again, and I can't even imagine what it must feel like, but as selfish as it may sound, I'm so grateful that right now at least, I don't have too. I hope everyone out there is well, I hope your children and family are well.
Cayden started preschool this year, and it was hard to let him go. I know it's good for him, he's learning so very much, and he's having fun. I'm getting a little space, and that's good for me too, but I've been home with Cayden since the day he was born and the only people who have watched him have been close family - mainly my mother and my sister. I think I've left him once with a family friend. To walk in the morning of his first day and just leave him there with complete strangers was rough - I knew they had training, and I knew they were good at their job, but I am his mother, and nobody can take care of him like I can. I was worried about what would happen if he fell down and scraped his knee - I was not thinking about what would happen if someone went into his school and opened fire.
Yesterday when the details came out, I left home and went and got him. I wasn't worried about his safety - I just needed to see him, needed to hug and hold him. I couldn't stop thinking about those parents who dropped their kids off at school and would never pick them back up again. What were the last word they said to their child? Were they spoken in frustration and anger - perhaps they were running late and didn't have time for a goodbye kiss that morning? I think about all the times I'm short with my kids: Can I just go to the bathroom by myself for once?!? Can I just eat my dinner in peace?!? Can I just have five minutes to myself?!? Anyone who is a parent knows sometimes you just are frustrated and need space - and there's nothing wrong with that. But what happens when you ask for space and don't realize that something is about to happen to give you nothing but time away from your baby?
I don't want to be morbid and sad when everything is morbid and sad enough, but I just wanted to say that in that moment, I was so Goddamned grateful to have a child to argue with, a child who didn't listen to me, a child who is a shadow and follows me everywhere. For a messy house that never stays clean, for crumbs and spills, for sticky hands, for another late night followed by an early morning, for a voice that talks too much, too loud and asks way too many questions - for the tickles and the hugs and the kisses, for the cuddles, for the laughs and the smiles, the good and the bad, I was just so grateful for it all.
We didn't go home and watch the news. We went out to a park and I got on the ground and I played with my kids like I haven't played in awhile. I chased them and I kissed them, and I climbed with them and I swung them around. Then I got them ice cream and a movie and we went home again, not to watch the news, but to pile up on the sofa and be together.
I'm sorry this had to happen - and sorry doesn't really even begin to cover it, but I'm not sure what else to say except that I plan to suck up the only positive that I can out of this situation: My children are alive, and they are healthy, and I will kiss them over and over for all the parents who no longer can kiss their children. I will be more patient for them for the parents who no longer have a child to lose patience with. I will spend extra time with them, I will cuddle them longer, I will laugh with them more, I will listen to them more intently. I will remember not the gunman, but the teachers who did whatever they had to do in order to protect children that were not even "theirs". There was only one man doing evil, but so many others who stepped up and tried to stop him, protected those they could, some at the expense of their own lives and THAT should show us that while evil is in this world, the good still outweighs it. I will be kinder and more patient with people in general, because I don't know what they're going through right now, and their behavior towards me should not affect my behavior towards them. I will turn off the TV and spend more time with my kids instead, to try my damndest to raise children who will contribute to the good of this world.
I just had to word vomit a little. My heart breaks, over and over again, and I can't even imagine what it must feel like, but as selfish as it may sound, I'm so grateful that right now at least, I don't have too. I hope everyone out there is well, I hope your children and family are well.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
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